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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so upset regarding contact.

999 replies

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 26/01/2013 13:50

Some of you may know my backstory from the nature of my post. I namechanged a while ago and have been trying to put the past behind me and move forward with 5mo DD.
Me and my ex have a rather volatile relationship. He didn't want me to keep DD. since she has been born he hasn't provided physically or emotionally. He pays half the maintainence he should.
I tried to keep him seeing DD, him coming here, me there (2.5 hour drive). Supervised by me.
I don't want or agree with any child been taken away from their father but he is so inconsistent and to put it bluntly useless it had crossed my mind that it may be better if he goes away.
He has had a new girlfriend who seems to have taken priority since when I was 5 months pregnant.
It's now 22 days since any contact with him. He's ignored my attempts to send pictures and updates and is like to know if I am BU by thinking this is not acceptable and letting it upset me.
I'm a bit of a wreck today. I know this is AIBU but please try to be gentle.

OP posts:
flow4 · 17/02/2013 22:06

I know saying all those things is very tempting Make Grin BUT you must disengage/detach. If you answer him with more than a few facts and sentences, you will simply give him the opportunity to (at best) argue, and (at worst) attack you.

Keep what you say very simple, matter-of-fact and to-the-point. Something like this maybe...

"Hi. I have thought carefully and taken advice. I can't see any good reasons for changing arrangements yet. You can see DD on Xday, Yday or Zday at the same place. When you are more used to each other, of course you can have her without me around, and when we have a regular reliable arrangement, I'll be willing to travel closer to you, but it's still early days."

Don't mention your mum - she's non-negotiable and that's not really any of his business.

Don't mention the CSA - that's also non-negotiable, and an entirely separate issue from his contact.

Don't make conditions ("if/when you can change a nappy" etc.) - you can have these in your head influencing your decisions, but there is no reason to share these thoughts with him, and if you do, he will see that as manipulation, and it will give him an 'excuse' to do it back to you.

Don't share your reasons with him (e.g. "because you bully me", "because" anything) - I promise you, if you show him your vulnerabilities this way, or look like you feel you need to justify yourself, he will use that against you at some point.

Resist the temptation to insert any emotion in what you write - he'll use that too. Just stick to the cool facts.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 17/02/2013 22:18

Excellent advice flow.

flow4 · 17/02/2013 22:30

Learned through bitter experience, bunch. Hmm

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 17/02/2013 23:12

It's just so shit, he doesn't realise it doesn't have to be this way!
I just want to get on with my life. This is going to sound awful but it was alot easier when he didn't see her for six weeks!
Thank you for your excellent advice

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bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 17/02/2013 23:15

Make, he doesn't care how else it could be, he is just an immature little oik who will have his homer moment when your DD is all grown up and couldn't care less how he felt about why it should be his way or nothing. Follow flow's advice and you'll not go far wrong at all.

MrsCosmopilite · 17/02/2013 23:27

I reckon if he could get away with throwing himself on the floor, kicking his legs, and shouting"'It's NOT FAIR!" he would. Grin

Flow has an excellent strategy. Sorry that it has come about via experience, Flow.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 18/02/2013 08:15

He's like that advert isn't he where the mum throws herself down.
I've sent your exact message flow, so we will wait for a reply.
What a fool, if he had been civil I would have gone (to be fair) but no I 'step one foot out of line' so to speak and it's back to his foot stamping routine.
It's really tragic, the only one who he's going to hurt and spite in the end in himself But of course, that will be everyone else's doing except his.
I've been rather good this weekend, I actually went out twice leaving dd for 3 hours each time! Then did fun things with DD, but she was awful yesterday. Very whingey and whiney- turned out she was constipated Hmm

OP posts:
flow4 · 18/02/2013 09:00

He'll do some more foot stamping no doubt, Make... Remember it is about being clear about what DD and you want and need... and he won't like that, because he wants it all to be about him.

You're not 'stepping out of line': it's just that you're starting to make your own lines now, rather than standing in his! Grin

I think it helps to realise that although it doesn't have to be this way as far as you are concerned, it does have to be this way for him. As I said before, for him it isn't about you, it's about him. For whatever reason (dodgy childhood, personality, life experiences, whatever) he is used to having his own way about everything - he's made uncomfortable and frightened and panicky and angry when he doesn't get this. You taking control over yourself makes him feel like he's out of control.

You can't sort those feelings out for him. He has to work out that he only gets - and only needs - to control himself, not you, or anyone else around him. He has to come to terms with his feelings of loss of control... Or not.

You need to focus on you - taking control of your own actions and decisions. In every situation, and especially when you're dealing with him, you need to make an effort to think about what you and DD want and need, not what he might want. You probably haven't been very used to this, since he has clearly been very controlling, so it will take some time and practice. :)

Thanks MrsC. It was all a very a long time ago, and I don't feel hurt any more. I feel stronger and wiser in fact, which is obviously a good thing. :) I'll bet that Make will grow stronger and wiser too! :) I think it frustrated the hell out of my DS's dad that the more he tried to hurt me, the stronger I became... Grin

Each time he attacks or tries to play some stupid game, Make, is another opportunity for you to work out what is actually important to you, and what you really need in that situation, and what you can do to achieve it and make things good for you and your DD. :)

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 18/02/2013 09:42

Flow- I am sorry you have been through this too, but you really do give such great advice. It's like you know him

OP posts:
flow4 · 18/02/2013 09:54

I'm glad it's useful :)
It's a bit depressing that there seems to be a 'type' of man like this... Obviously I don't know your Ex, but I spent years trying to understand mine... And I have watched several friends end relationships with men who also behaved like this. :(

Whocansay · 18/02/2013 10:05

If he wants to see his child, he should be the one doing the travelling. He has no business ordering you to do all the driving.

Let the CSA do their job. Your DD is not some sort of hobby that he is being made to pay for, she is his daughter and he has to share her expenses.

He only wants you to leave your mum at home so he can abuse you. I'd leave your mum at home next time and take your dad. I guarantee he'll like that even less!

I think the flow's email was spot on. Don't let him bully you.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 18/02/2013 10:26

I'd leave your mum at home next time and take your dad. I guarantee he'll like that even less! Grin That's an excellent suggestion. Keep that one up your sleeve Make, for when things do move on (assuming he does actually step up and show willing).

flow4 · 18/02/2013 10:56

The thing is, tempting though it is to play him at his own game, taking your dad because "he'll like that even less" is game playing - and that never, ever helps dammit.

It feels good maybe (though often only for a few minutes), but when the initial euphoria has worn off, it always ratchets up the tension, or leads to another attack, or makes you feel like a shit human being... :(

The aim is to do what's right for you and DD - taking him into account, but not letting his likely reactions drive what you do. If you do anything at all just to piss him off - or to get any kind of reaction from him - then in fact you are still, in effect, letting him control you. :(

Take your dad with you sometimes by all means, but only when it is the best thing for you to do :) - not because of the reaction it might provoke.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 18/02/2013 11:06

Makes Flow has a point, and take anyone you please, he has no right to dictate it either.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 18/02/2013 14:08

Well still no reply from him!

OP posts:
Whocansay · 18/02/2013 14:16

Let's face it, you're going to have to have a chaperone when meeting with him for the forseeable future, as if you're on your own with him he will bully and abuse you. You need a witness at all times. Clearly, at your last meeting he was DESPERATE to give you both barrels with regards to the CSA claim, but he wouldn't as he's a coward and wouldn't dare do it in front of your mum. The cunt.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 18/02/2013 14:24

Or his parents.
Plus I think he was pissed he messed up about valentines day Wink

OP posts:
flow4 · 18/02/2013 15:22

I'm not surprised you haven't had a reply. I think he'd probably leave it as late as possible, just to try to make himself feel more in control. Hmm And in any case, he probably doesn't know what to say - there's not much he can say in reply to that email, other than 'yes' or 'no', without sounding like a plonker, which he won't want to do. And I'm guessing he won't be used to you being so assertive?! :)

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 18/02/2013 15:37

No he won't be. He's used to me going 'I don't know, you decide' and then saying I'm bossy, or indesisive or lazy or spoilt or treated like a princess.
Really our relationship was all about him. I moved countries for his job, this putting mine on the backburner,(met him when we were both working ROI), lived in a house he picked, he lent me money to do all that which I've never heard the end of, to fund his move.
Angry Writing that has made me angry!

OP posts:
flow4 · 18/02/2013 16:38

Anger is probably good. :)
Anger is the right response to someone treating you badly.
Anger is part of the process of grieving for the relationship you hoped you'd have, but didn't get.
Anger is harder to express when you've got a baby or small child, because you don't want to scare them Confused ; but it's healthy if you can find a way to express it somehow (counselling, kick boxing, swimming or running very fast, drama classes...! Grin )
So long as you don't get stuck in the anger, you can express it - then let it go, and move on.

It's good it's coming out now... You're stirring things up by behaving differently, and it'll get things 'unstuck'... :)

What is it they say?
"If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got. If you want what you've never had, you must do what you've never done" :)

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 18/02/2013 16:56

Flow I'm writing that in my diary!! I normally get my anger out on my latch hooking.
I am getting out more socially which is always good, building my confidence x

OP posts:
flow4 · 18/02/2013 17:25

I had to Google 'latch hooking'... I'm surprised anyone ever dares mess with you - you must be pretty handy with one of these ! Wink Grin

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 18/02/2013 17:30

It is my secret hidden talent :-) it mermerizes DD. I'm just making a rug for her bedroom when we get our home.
must not leave in handbag when in twunts lovely company

OP posts:
Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 18/02/2013 19:32

Well just had a rather rude message: he will not be dictated to and I can basically go and fuck myself Shock

OP posts:
Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 18/02/2013 19:40

He wants to see dd but not on my terms all the time

OP posts: