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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel so upset regarding contact.

999 replies

MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 26/01/2013 13:50

Some of you may know my backstory from the nature of my post. I namechanged a while ago and have been trying to put the past behind me and move forward with 5mo DD.
Me and my ex have a rather volatile relationship. He didn't want me to keep DD. since she has been born he hasn't provided physically or emotionally. He pays half the maintainence he should.
I tried to keep him seeing DD, him coming here, me there (2.5 hour drive). Supervised by me.
I don't want or agree with any child been taken away from their father but he is so inconsistent and to put it bluntly useless it had crossed my mind that it may be better if he goes away.
He has had a new girlfriend who seems to have taken priority since when I was 5 months pregnant.
It's now 22 days since any contact with him. He's ignored my attempts to send pictures and updates and is like to know if I am BU by thinking this is not acceptable and letting it upset me.
I'm a bit of a wreck today. I know this is AIBU but please try to be gentle.

OP posts:
Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 16/02/2013 14:00

Your right, I'm letting him creep back under my skin.
Going to have a stern word with myself Grin

OP posts:
anonacfr · 16/02/2013 18:05

He sent you that message because he realised he was acting like a twat (late, not looking at you, not talking, refusing to change his daughter's nappy) and he's trying to -write history.
How can he be expected to get unsupervised access to his child if he can't provid basic care for her?

Ignore the tosser. Carry on as planned and don't give him anything.

flow4 · 16/02/2013 19:18

I know how hard those digs can feel, but they are rubbish - just designed to make you feel bad, like bunch says - or just the kind of nonsense noise I talked about in my first post.

DS's dad used to tell people I was stopping him from seeing DS - he may even have believed his own lies, I think, cos he told the solicitor and DS. :( In fact, there was one single instance when I did stop him taking DS for 4 hours - when he turned up 24hrs late, after Glastonbury festival, still drunk - and fell over onto my coffee table and broke it. Angry I refused to let him take DS (who was 3) when he was in that state, and told him to go off and sober up, and I'd decide whether I thought he was safe when he came back. He did not like it, and never forgave me, and used it against me when he could. It wasn't about truth - it was about revenge for me saying 'no'.

It's just the same with your Ex. Don't let the silly fool get to you! Grin

MrsCosmopilite · 16/02/2013 19:34

Well, Softkitty summed up what I was going to say, as did anon.

Just remain factual, concise and detached. You have the moral high-ground, whilst he is the tosser dirty rascal. Grin

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 16/02/2013 20:52

Thank you for picking me up ladies.
I think flow hit the nail on the head, I believe he is so warped he believes his own lies Shock
Still as long as DD is safe, in her own bed, not knowing any of this it's okay. We will muddle along for now, I'm becoming a bit of a master at the fake cheerful fun mum act and having a meltdown when she sleeps.
This turns into a weep when I look at her and realise how proud I am of how we are managing Smile
Don't think it helped dad returned home this weekend and I had to give a full rundown with mum.
Cue lots of nasty words from dad about twunt.
Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 17/02/2013 17:34

I've just been asked if I will go up to his parents on Wednesday?

OP posts:
bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 17/02/2013 17:53

Who has asked? Him or his parents?

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 17/02/2013 18:11

He emailed...Shock

OP posts:
GregBishopsBottomBitch · 17/02/2013 18:14

Say that depends, are you gonna speak and atleast pretend you care about DD, maybe even...... SHOCK HORROR....change her nappy.

CremeEggThief · 17/02/2013 18:22

Does it suit you to take her there? Do you feel he can be trusted to care for her properly? If the answers are 'no', then your reply should also be 'no'.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 17/02/2013 18:27

Personally, I think while your DD is small I would respectfully decline. You need to be careful of setting a precedent whereby he establishes you can travel to him for contact, and then accuses you of blocking contact where you find that commitment too much. It's up to him to make the effort, and one 2 hr meet up where he behaved like a sulky teenager isn't enough to suggest he's actually interested in your DD but more likely to get you do do more for him to see DD. I would suggest to him you'll discuss alternative arrangements re contact after the 2 mth period he shows willing to see your DD and interact with her, and also stops the abusive emails.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 17/02/2013 18:31

Well I said I would think about it and said that day didn't suit could we do a different day. Yes that was fine but my mum isn't welcome and he wants his daughter alone as he isn't some criminal that needs supervising. I also need to drop CSA and money grabbing. I am there at 1pm end of.

Didn't even ask how she was. And how she's been today I know he wouldn't cope at all. She's been a nightmare and has had me in tears so....

OP posts:
bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 17/02/2013 18:36

Make just tell him to fuck off and grow up. He's trying to change things to enable him to bully you and belittle you. Don't give him that. Tell him that he won't be getting your DD unsupervised until he can actually demonstrate the ability to care for get and interact with her. And like it it not, the only way he'll learn how to do that is by actually talking to you like a grown up. Angry

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 17/02/2013 18:39

They want to get me there to intimidate me I think

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littlemisssarcastic · 17/02/2013 18:42

Agree with bunch about being careful wrt setting a precedent re travelling to him for contact. I wouldn't travel all of that way.

bunchamunchycrunchycarrots · 17/02/2013 18:43

That is exactly what they want to do make, so don't agree to contact without someone else there with you so you can protect yourself from that treatment. I'd suggest you tell him either he accepts the supervision you deem necessary until he shows he's capable of looking after your DD or he arranges a contact centre. Tell him it's got nowt to do with him being a criminal but his choice to make no effort to spend time with your DD getting to know her and her needs, and for her sake he needs to know this stuff to make sure she is being properly cared for.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 17/02/2013 18:47

These men! This is not the man I met. I'm going to have a nice evening, a glass of wine to congratulate myself on not biting after a bad day and have a think about what email I shall compose Confused

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CremeEggThief · 17/02/2013 18:49

I don't think you should go now. He's trying to intimidate you already. Stick to your guns. .

anonacfr · 17/02/2013 19:12

Don't go. Tell him it's too far and not practical. He wants to threaten you about CSA.
He doesn't care about his daughter. If he did he wouldn't try so hard to get out of any financial contribution.

MrsTomHardy · 17/02/2013 19:13

Omg def do not take DD there.....and do not stop Csa either!

What a total prick he is

ratspeaker · 17/02/2013 19:20

Please dont go running yourself ragged again running after him and at his command.
Tell him it doesn't suit but offer the same type of meeting as you had on valentines day.

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 17/02/2013 19:33

Thank you all Smile

OP posts:
GregBishopsBottomBitch · 17/02/2013 19:49

Make tell him these points:

  1. You are not DD alone until I alone am satisfied, you will look after her properly.
  2. No i will not drop the CSA, you helped make her, you can contribute or dont ever see her.
  3. Once again, you made her, just because im the main carer, doesnt mean you dont have to pay, you do, and you will, get over it.
  4. I will NEVER meet you alone as i dont trust you not to bully me, get it that you wont have the chance again.
  5. If i want to bring my mum, then i will, NOT YOUR CHOICE

Say "I WILL NOT be meeting you, until you learn how to speak to me respectfully and you WILL NOT be having DD alone until you can look after her properly.

Those are my terms LIKE OR LUMP IT

CruCru · 17/02/2013 20:12

Oh good lord.

Perhaps an email along the lines of:

  • as relations between you and him / his family are so strained, you are uncomfortable with being alone with him and therefore they will have to put up with your Mum being present;
  • he should be aware that you now keep a record of all correspondence with him and that any abusive messages will therefore be kept;
  • you will only communicate with him by email;
  • until you are comfortable that he is able or willing to adequately care for DD (including nappy changing and interacting) he will not have unsupervised access;
  • while it is up to you to make DD available for access, it is not your responsibility to drive her long distances. She will be available for contact at a contact centre / public place that is no more than 30? Minutes away from where you live; and
  • the negotiations with the CSA are a separate issue. You will not discuss the CSA with him, either in person or by email. He will need to correspond with the CSA directly.

Please don't say that if he doesn't co-operate with the CSA, he won't get contact. It seems like a fair thing to say but I understand that courts think stuff like that is withholding access (if it comes to that).

Have I missed anything?

Original poster
MakeItUpAsYouGoAlong · 17/02/2013 20:33

I think you guys covered it all Wink

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