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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking that mumsnetters don't like men very much?

231 replies

examiner99 · 25/01/2013 13:57

I'm new to mumsnet and thought it would be a great place for positive mutual support, but I'm aghast at how many 'I've lost my man so let's encourage some other poor woman to ditch hers' posters there are here. People are not perfect, men or women, so why is everything the man's fault? (I am a mum by the way, in case you were wondering...)

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 25/01/2013 16:04

OP- you have chosen to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children. That was your choice, I assume you think it's the right one. The idea that your children wouldn't have had a home if their parents didn't live together anymore is rather odd. They wouldn't have a home where they saw both parents everyday, but alot of married couples have situations where one party can go 24 hours without seeing their DCs due to work patterns...

Personally, I wouldn't have made the same choices as you - but then, looking back, were there any warning signs that this wasn't 'a keeper' before you had DCs? In my experience of these threads, the loudest shouts of "leave" (when there's no abuse involved) are before the woman in question doesn't have DCs yet, the view clearly being "get out while it's only you to think about". It's amazing how many woman when they start talking about it also have examples of bad behaviour that predates DCs.

As I said earlier, I tend to be shocked how many woman will give a wanker a second date, let alone marry them then stick it out for decades never being happy and being surprised that he never wakes up as their dream man. There does seem to be a view amongst some woman that any relationship is better than none, even a crap one.

fromparistoberlin · 25/01/2013 16:05

all I will say is that there does seem to be an assumption that errs towards fault in the man

Its tough, I LOVE the fact that abused woman get good support on the REL page, I really do

But the unfortunate side effect is that there are some sad and unhappy people who might err towards the harsh side when a more normal issue is presented

for this reason I would NOT post on REL, but then I am lucky, and alot of these poor women are not so lucky sadly

FairyJen · 25/01/2013 16:06

I lost my man once. He wondered off in the supermarket.

It's ok though I found him in the spirit isle!

< helpful >

thebody · 25/01/2013 16:07

Posters call it how they see it. That's the point of asking opinions.

Yes yes we are all man hating lesbians!!

What a daft post.

TrampyPants · 25/01/2013 16:10

But most people give all the information in their op. I'd still like to know which threads ylu are referring to, almost every poster disagrees with you, that suggests that you are wrong and seeking validation for your own poor decisions. I'm sorry about your dd, but I agree, you are dripfeeding and making sweeping assumptions, as well as trying to guilt posters into agreeing with you. There is nothing complicated. If you are being treated badly, leave and make yourself happy.

The end.

Fenton · 25/01/2013 16:10

Okay so you're suggesting everyone should do this...

OP :- He just constantly sulks, puts me down, - is impatient and unkind to the children, I feel like I'm just existing not really living - it's been like this for years and it's making us all miserable.

Response: - Poor you OP, but I have to ask before I can comment on what a miserable twat your husband sounds like - are you perhaps enduring this for some other reason? - are you planning on emigrating/ is there illness in the family perhaps?

Really?

People can only respond to and comment upon what they are being told by the OP.

cory · 25/01/2013 16:10

I am sorry about your daughter, OP.

But it really was a very provocative title and you could not expect us to get any idea of your unusual situation from that.

The fact is that if you start a thread on a public forum, the onus is on you to supply relevant information, it is not on on the other posters to guess things that your OP does not say.

The threads encouraging posters to leave their husbands are based on the information given by the OP and that information is the OPs responsibility. If posters are given mis-leading information, that does not make them into man-hating harpies.

If I post that dh uses abusive language but omit extenuating circumstances (e.g. Tourette's syndrome) and posters respond accordingly, then that is my reponsibility. Posters are adult and have to take responsibility for how they seek advice.

Fenton · 25/01/2013 16:11

What cory said (again)

And I'm sorry about your daughter too, - sorry that I didn't say it before.

ouryve · 25/01/2013 16:12

I like men as much as I like women.

DadOnIce · 25/01/2013 16:15

As one of the few dads on here (I've been here on and off for 6 years, mainly under another name) I think it is probably quite unfair to say that, in general, mumsnetters "hate" men. There is some hostility towards men, it's true, a lot of it over in the feminist section (but you don't post there if you value your sanity). There is a lot of support for people in difficult relationships.

By their very nature I suppose posters will tend to take the female side, but that isn't always true by any means. I was amused to read a thread the other day where someone said, "To be honest, in a lot of the Relationships threads I'd leave the woman!" I always wonder what would happen if we were to hear the other side of a lot of the stories in AIBU and Relationships. A lot of the DHs come across very badly indeed, but then we don't get to hear their point of view.

I've noticed two types which recur quite often - the woman who thinks her husband is a lot worse than he is ("he didn't put the bins out so I'm going to leave the bastard") and the woman who is obviously in denial about quite how bad her husband is ("he's only hit me twice, he is a nice guy otherwise and a good dad...").

HandbagCrab · 25/01/2013 16:15

It's quite clear mumsnet posters are randoms on the Internet and not relationship counsellors. They give advice, not counselling.

Sorry for your loss op.

thebody · 25/01/2013 16:18

Yes sorry for your loss op.

ouryve · 25/01/2013 16:27

I'm sorry for you loss, OP.

I will say this, though. Yes, even if some people do jump in and give their opinion without "digging" for more info, it's equally unfair on posters to drip feed info. How the hell would anyone even have an inkling of your particular circumstances unless you came out and explained them in the first place.

Deliberately witholding such sensitive information purely so that you have a reason to chastise other posters is a pretty unkind power game, to be honest.

pictish · 25/01/2013 16:35

I agree ouryve

EldritchCleavage · 25/01/2013 16:42

There is some hostility towards men, it's true, a lot of it over in the feminist section (but you don't post there if you value your sanity)

What a load of Boswellox.

Original poster
examiner99 · 25/01/2013 16:45

Ok, I'll avoid the AIBU and Rel sections from now on, lesson learned! And I would not DARE ever again to say that Mumnetters are anything but intelligent, caring and moderate people!

My husband will never see this thread, but for the record let me say that I said he was 'difficult'. I didn't say he was a wanker or treated me badly or any of the other things some posters have construed this as meaning. Just because he is a man, I find him difficult, we have at times been unhappy and I am ready to move on does not mean my life has been a waste or a lie, my children should be ashamed of me or my husband should be, I don't know, shot or something. Just saying.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 25/01/2013 16:47

OP, I don't think that anyone leaves their OH on the basis of what a load of Internet strangers say. Far from being unsupportive of those in difficult relationships, MN has a Support Thread for Those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships, others that support the adult survivors of such households, support for the bereaved, people TTC, sufferers of miscarriage and MH problems and many threads started by individuals having a hard time (some of which go on for months).

I wonder if you are projecting here. Your comment regarding lost men sounds bitter and by your own admission, you haven't been here very long so I'm wondering why did you make such a huge generalization when your experience of the site is so limited?

cory · 25/01/2013 16:48

Well, if you had posted in Relationships and explained all your circumstances and not included any references to suggest that your husband was physically, verbally or emotionally abusive, then it is quite likely that nobody would have suggested that you should leave him either. You will never know, because you did not choose to do that. Instead you seem to be taking out your angry feelings on people who have nothing to do with the situation. Your title was very hostile and that was before anyone had addressed a word to you.

TrampyPants · 25/01/2013 16:49

Op, there's really no reason to be so snidey and aggressive.

Again: care to link to these threads? Because at the moment you are behaving as my 7yo ds does when he doesn't get his own way. I'd like to see some proof behind your wild allegations.

YorkshireDeb · 25/01/2013 16:50

Wow - you have such a lot of anger in you examiner99. Still, after 6 pages of comments, I have no idea what you were hoping to achieve with your original post. Regardless, I hope you now have whatever it was you came for and can leave with some sense of satisfaction or happiness. No? Oh well, I guess it was worth a try. X

FunnysInLaJardin · 25/01/2013 16:50

I like the nice men that I know and I don't like the nasty men that I know. I apply the same criteria to females

ShamyFarrahCooper · 25/01/2013 16:52

a lot of it over in the feminist section (but you don't post there if you value your sanity).

I post there. I'm a feminist. I don't hate men. I hate people who are sexist and/or misogynistic.

TrampyPants · 25/01/2013 16:54

I'm ignoring the comment about the feminism board. That's a whole other thread and I would give them the satisfaction.

garlicblocks · 25/01/2013 17:02

"Just because he is a man, I find him difficult"

Ahem. That is a sexist remark, suggesting that YOU are a mumsnetter who doesn't like men very much.

I speak as one of the posters you've been criticising. I shall kindly ignore your shallow patronisation, as I imagine your own choice to put up with a dissatisfying marriage - and to uphold it to your children as an ideal - has made you afraid to consider alternative viewpoints. It would mean admitting you've been wrong for 23 years, and have set your DC for future problems.

Nethuns is that way --->

Narked · 25/01/2013 17:03

'Just because he is a man, I find him difficult'

Really? Confused

How?

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