Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking that mumsnetters don't like men very much?

231 replies

examiner99 · 25/01/2013 13:57

I'm new to mumsnet and thought it would be a great place for positive mutual support, but I'm aghast at how many 'I've lost my man so let's encourage some other poor woman to ditch hers' posters there are here. People are not perfect, men or women, so why is everything the man's fault? (I am a mum by the way, in case you were wondering...)

OP posts:
pictish · 25/01/2013 15:20

Why are you leaving him if you are not unhappy?

Pagwatch · 25/01/2013 15:23

But, but..why is that good enough.

Would you say to your child 'I hope you meet someone and live a life that isn't too bad and or the most part not unhappy'

We get one shot. Why settle for enduring something that is a matter of choice?

Original poster
examiner99 · 25/01/2013 15:25

well done everyone!

OP posts:
ComposHat · 25/01/2013 15:26

For what pray tell?

Pagwatch · 25/01/2013 15:28

Oh goodness. Why well done?

I am trying to understand why settling for not too miserable is a good idea. That's all

pictish · 25/01/2013 15:31

Yes indeed...would you say to your daughter "I hope you spend 23 years surviving a difficult man by using your words when he verbally oversteps the mark"

Of course you wouldn't.

You know what this thread is? It's an appeal for like minded women to come forward and say yes, I have crappy husband too, and it's all perfectly normal. We shouldn't expect anything else.

Then you'd have the confort of safety in numbers, while you all commiserate how difficult your relationships are...but that's men for you!

Well OP, as I have already said...I like men very much, and have regard enough for them to NOT expect to have to survive my relationship. I expect men to treat me well and behave appropriately.

It is YOU who has low expectations of men, and YOU who looks down on them.

cory · 25/01/2013 15:31

Is there anything wrong in pointing out that how we live our lives affects our children and the choices they make?

I would be devastated if my son thought he was not bound to the highest standards as a future husband and father.

I would be devastated if my daughter thought she was obliged to put up with unhappiness or abuse because of any example of mine.

pictish · 25/01/2013 15:32

What is well done?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/01/2013 15:42

There was a very sad post on the Relationships board today where someone is going through a horrible marriage, enduring some really nasty treatment, kids upset etc and, when they asked their mum for help were told.... 'you have to stay with him for the sake of the kids'.

Women have had centuries of being told to 'try harder', 'make a go of it', 'stick it out', 'stay with him for the kids', 'don't split up the family', 'be a better wife', 'appeal to his better nature' ..... often from a 'I did it, why can't you?' perspective. So destructive. So many lives wasted.

Hope that's not where you're coming from OP...

Fenton · 25/01/2013 15:42

Well done what?

Have we all prove your point ?

whatever the hell that is, anyway Hmm

Narked · 25/01/2013 15:42

I would hate to say I'd 'survived' the last 16 odd years with my DH.

Both our sets of parents have had 40+ years together, and I don't think any of them would describe themselves as having 'survived' that.

Fenton · 25/01/2013 15:42

proved, soz

Original poster
examiner99 · 25/01/2013 15:43

The unhappiness came from my daughter having leukaemia - until then everything was great. Catastrophes can change you, and we changed in different ways, but we - both - survived by sticking together and not baling when one or the other was very, very down. That meant our other children still had a home even if their sister wasn't in it. So yes I am proud to be able to point out to my children that even when shit happens you can work on it and come through it. I'll be leaving him because sadly it has now run its course.

OP posts:
Narked · 25/01/2013 15:45

Children get their models of relationships from watching their parents. It's much better for them to see a healthy, functional relationship between a parent and step parent than see a disfunctional model.

thegreylady · 25/01/2013 15:46

Has anyone else begin to think that maybe...

funnymum71 · 25/01/2013 15:46

This is bizarre.

I don't even know if the OP knows what point she's trying to make.

pictish · 25/01/2013 15:47

Cogito - so true. For such a long time women have been raised to believe they must be passive, nurturing, servile, selfless, supportive and enduring in their relationships for everyone else's sakes but their own. Sad

Narked · 25/01/2013 15:49

I'm very sorry about your DD. That kind of stress can cause any relationship to breakdown. And obviously it's not about leaving at the first sign of problems. Sometimes it takes one person spelling out how serious the problems are and what will inevitably happen if things don't change for the other person to change their behaviour.

funnymum71 · 25/01/2013 15:49

Sorry to hear about your daughter OP, but that's a very specific set of circumstances there. That's why it's best not to drip feed info.

WilsonFrickett · 25/01/2013 15:50

Drip, drip.

I'm sorry for your loss OP but I think you're now drip-feeding and goading, actually.

Spero · 25/01/2013 15:51

o all is clear now. You have spent a long time in an unhappy marriage and you want validation for that choice.

pictish · 25/01/2013 15:54

I too am sorry to hear about your daughter. That's really tough. Sad

I am still going to say that not putting up with being treated like crap and encouraging other women not to either, does not make me a man hater who gets my kicks from slating perfectly good relationships for my own ends. That's nonsense.

Fenton · 25/01/2013 15:54

That's quite a unique situation though, - presumably you both knew it was over but kept the family together for some sense or normality for your children whilst in a bad situation?

That doesn't mean that other women should be encouraged to endure a bad relationship just for the sake of, erm, endurance (?) Confused

WilsonFrickett · 25/01/2013 15:59

TBH if you'd posted your last post, I think you probably would have got a lot of support of MN. If you'd posted your post at 1504, you wouldn't. Context is everything. That's why people don't like drip-feeding.

Original poster
examiner99 · 25/01/2013 16:00

Narked's last post is my point, sorry if as others have said this has come across as dripping or whatever, and I didn't think I would have to share all this just to make the point - next time some poor person posts about their unhappy relationship (leaving aside physical abuse), take the time to dig a little deeper to find out the root causes before urging them to leap overboard. Please?

OP posts: