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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think that having 8 DC by 3 different fathers may well have a detrimental impact on the DCs?

379 replies

StuckForAUserName · 24/01/2013 20:08

Especially as the first two fathers are not in the picture anymore so the 3rd husband is bringing up someone else's 6 DC and then a further 2 have been added to the household Hmm.

The mother is effectively a single parent anyway as the latest DH is away a lot in the military. The oldest 3 are in boarding school though so there is only 5 DC full time at home. This is a middle class family btw not a family of 'benefit scroungers'. The mother states that 'her kids have a decent dad and will all be fine'. AIBU in thinking that it's terrible?

OP posts:
BlackMaryJanes · 25/01/2013 16:26

How would she have been better off if her mother had stopped breeding?

If you can't figure that out you are naive.

finances, attention, having only half-siblings, no bio-dad but her siblings do

ledkr · 25/01/2013 16:27

Children 1 and 2 only babies and benefited greatly from me splitting from their abusive father. Lived a happy settled life with me for two years before I met dh1 who was already a friend and the children knew. Slowly spent more time together then married a d had ds3 very welcomed by 1 and 2 had a long gap then dd 1 came along. The boys were ecstatic and there at the birth. They were besotted.
After 18 yrs of being together he met someone else and left. Yes very tough on dc but no tougher than any other divorce maybe easier because I'd coped alone before so didn't fall apart.
Then after 4 yrs I met dh who had no children and is a real family man. He has been an asset to the children even the now grown boys.
I thought I couldn't have more children as I'd had chemo and was now 43 and dh married me knowing this. Happily tho dd came along two years ago and we are all delighted. Dd has a sister she adores and the boys too and they are happy for dh.

To those of you saying you would never have more children but aren't in that situation then really how can you know that?
If you meet a decent man who you love and loves you and accepts and is good to your children then why should he not have the chance for a child of his own? Why should we hide away and not have a chance to be part if a family again?

Don't judge until it happens to you.

Dahlen · 25/01/2013 16:27

Tackle DV, tackle the idea that childcare and domestic tasks are primarily a woman's responsibility and I'd hazard a guess that the divorce rate would plummet and a lot less women would leave anyway.

But it's easier to blame the women for leaving than it is to get the men to change their behaviour.

And before you jump on that, no I don't believe that all men are like that, nor do I believe that women are always victims. However, I rather suspect that the men who treat their partners with respect and pull their weight at home are the ones who remain happily married, which speaks for itself really.

HillaryClitoris · 25/01/2013 16:28

and, I don't have a 'next partner' I am too busy being a parent to be even thinking about it.

If you're looking for love stop looking, it will find you when you're doing what you love, and all that.

acceptableinthe80s · 25/01/2013 16:29

Really Hillary? Care to elaborate? Where can I find these statistics?

I think you'll find the difference in poor outcomes between 1 and 2 parent families is very small, something like 2%.
It's just put across in the media in such a way as to make you believe the statistical outcomes are wildly different.

The majority of children who grow up with issues are from 2 parent households as quite simply there are far more of them.

cory · 25/01/2013 16:30

HillaryClitoris Fri 25-Jan-13 16:22:48
"I too, Hope that one day I meet someone and for my daughter to be able to enjoy being a big sister, but, I do realise that her having a stable 'seperated' family is of far more importance.

I'm sorry but this thread stinks of disposable fatherness without question of why that may the case, impact on the children and the possible unique situations. "

I think some of us may be coming from the totally opposite (and perhaps conservative) viewpoint of the benefit of good step parents to provide support and role models.

As I said, my niece did not miss out from in effect having a father (and a whole extended family of aunts and uncles and cousins) to replace the father who had already lost interest in her: it wasn't the stepdad who took her bio dad away from her, but he did go some way to replacing him.

My brother did not suffer from being brought up by adoptive parents having been abandoned at birth, though he did arguably suffer from the abandonment.

I don't see that this amounts to disposable fatherness.

BlackMaryJanes · 25/01/2013 16:31

And how would dn have been better off if her mother had concentrated on bringing her up and not having a new relationship

Again, this is obvious.

This thread is about women who are serial daters and breeders. So for example, if we look at 3 kids to 3 different dads.

Kid 1 has to deal with not only their bio dad leaving but their next 'dad' leaving, then having to deal with a new 'dad' who may or may not leave.

Children do not thrive on instability.

BlackMaryJanes · 25/01/2013 16:34

this thread stinks of disposable fatherness

Agreed.

HillaryClitoris · 25/01/2013 16:37

cory,

I have not supposed that your situation does amount to disposable fatherness, but I am trying to debate from a wider viewpoint.

HillaryClitoris · 25/01/2013 16:39

Dahlen,

'Tackle DV'... are you suggesting that this is a female only problem?

You are clearly projecting from your own experiences.

HillaryClitoris · 25/01/2013 16:46

accepta,

I'm sure we could swap statistics and would be more than happy to go on a fact finding mission, I have yet to come across the 2% that you quoted but are you seriously suggesting that the problems from the outcome of children from fatherless families is as nearly equal to those families that are not?

Moominsarescary · 25/01/2013 16:47

You grow the fuck up and stop contradicting yourself.

You've just said you hope one day you will meet someone and your dd will be a big sister. You then say you are too busy to even think about having a next partner

HillaryClitoris · 25/01/2013 16:50

ONE DAY!

I think that I also said that I am too busy concentrating on being a parent to my daughter primarily to one day I may meet someone.

What is your anger all about?

cory · 25/01/2013 16:52

HillaryClitoris Fri 25-Jan-13 16:37:27
"cory,

I have not supposed that your situation does amount to disposable fatherness, but I am trying to debate from a wider viewpoint. "

The problem with generalising is that it seldom takes invididual circumstances into account.

Moominsarescary · 25/01/2013 16:57

Angry? Ok then!

How do you know that other women haven't thought the same way? What is an acceptable amount of time to wait before having a new relationship and more dc in your eyes

HillaryClitoris · 25/01/2013 16:58

I entirely agree,

I would also go as far as to say that, I am hurting so badly from the way I was treated by my ex and I am full of hurt, pain and sadness. But I am trying to debate and discuss, I feel as lost as I am sure many of you do.

HillaryClitoris · 25/01/2013 17:00

Moomin,

I'm not sure that there can be a definitive answer to that, do you?

But what I am trying to do is think of my child, the fact that most second relationships with children fail and what is most important to my child.

how can you argue with that?

boodles · 25/01/2013 17:04

Why is it always the mother who is judged? What about the men who have made babies and then abandoned them. I am more pissed off that men seem to walk away from children and then when the woman, who is taking responsibility for the children, wants to have another relationship and more children, SHE is the one being judged. The man doing the abandoning in the first place is where I will judge.

HillaryClitoris · 25/01/2013 17:07

and to return to the initial point,

How can any decent parent believe that to introduce new partners so lightly, replacing one disfunctional relationship with the next, can be justified through their own selfish pursuit of happiness.

The parent that has multiple children to multiple partners must take responsibilty for their own actions and choices instead of blaming the absent parent.

HillaryClitoris · 25/01/2013 17:09

Boodles,

because it is not the man that does the walking away in as many cases.

You are basing your view on a prejudice.

acceptableinthe80s · 25/01/2013 17:10

Yes I am Hillary, what of it?
Oh and for the record not all single parents are sad/lost, personally I've never felt so in control and confident since I became a single parent.
You really need to stop generalizing so much. Plenty children from single parent families have wonderful role models/loving families.

HillaryClitoris · 25/01/2013 17:14

What of it? You are being aggressive.

I know, I am not sad or lost either so I'm glad you've got your Big Girl panties on!

I do not need nor will stop doing anything that you tell me to do, you are a bully and of course your closing statement is true.

rhondajean · 25/01/2013 17:15

Oh wow.

Bun anyone?

Look, at the end of the day, The perfect family doesn't exist.

I must say, I do know women who have put their own biological imperative before the needs of their children and been quite feckless in introducing men to the household. They are rare and usually have other issues going on in the background.

I think that you do need to think very carefully and get to know someone before introducing them to your existing children, never mind having more children with them, but provided you do that and consider the needs of your children as well as your own, which tbh you have a legal duty of care to do anyway, and most parents male or female do at least attempt to do, then you can make a blended family as successful as a biological one. Or as big a failure as a biological one.

The issue isn't who has who's blood really, it's who is equipped to be a good parent.

HillaryClitoris · 25/01/2013 17:18

Forget the buns...

If the issue was not one of blood than perhaps we should all consider our children be put up for adoption.

And who if not a parent do you consider to be a good parent.

Flippant at best.

BlackMaryJanes · 25/01/2013 17:20

Why is it always the mother who is judged?

It's not 'always' the mother though is it.

Also, women are the ones who ultimately hold the decision to breed or not, by virtue of their biology.