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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think that having 8 DC by 3 different fathers may well have a detrimental impact on the DCs?

379 replies

StuckForAUserName · 24/01/2013 20:08

Especially as the first two fathers are not in the picture anymore so the 3rd husband is bringing up someone else's 6 DC and then a further 2 have been added to the household Hmm.

The mother is effectively a single parent anyway as the latest DH is away a lot in the military. The oldest 3 are in boarding school though so there is only 5 DC full time at home. This is a middle class family btw not a family of 'benefit scroungers'. The mother states that 'her kids have a decent dad and will all be fine'. AIBU in thinking that it's terrible?

OP posts:
t0lk13n · 24/01/2013 20:10

It has nothing to do with you. Stop being so judgmental!

Original poster
StuckForAUserName · 24/01/2013 20:10

There is definite favouritism as well with regards to the 2 youngest.

This is my aunt btw. I feel so sorry for her DC Sad.

OP posts:
fluffygal · 24/01/2013 20:10

If she is looking after them, what's the problem? I think it's terrible the first two days have abandoned them.

fluffygal · 24/01/2013 20:11

dads not days

Ilovesunflowers · 24/01/2013 20:11

None of your business.

MimmeeBack · 24/01/2013 20:11

Is it any of your business, really?
YABU Biscuit

McNewPants2013 · 24/01/2013 20:13

Children need good role models, DNA connection sometimes means nothing.

Original poster
StuckForAUserName · 24/01/2013 20:13

Of course it's not my business, that's why I have not said what I think to her face! That's the point of coming on an anonymous forum to get others points of view.

OP posts:
NewAndSparklyMe · 24/01/2013 20:15

YANBU.

CheCazzo · 24/01/2013 20:16

Well. The thing is - and you seem to have not quite grasped this - this IS her situation. What would you like her to do about it? Farm some of them out? Magic up the absent dads? You might not approve (although it really isn't your concern) but you'd be better of spending your energy seeing where/how you could help. She's in it, you're commenting from the sides. Do you see how that's not quite right?

t0lk13n · 24/01/2013 20:17

Why do you want an opinion? If it bothers you that much tell her!

CuttedUpPear · 24/01/2013 20:18

I don't think you have the first idea of what being a single parent is. Certainly not being married with a husband who works away.

That is NOT being a single parent, as you so blithely comment.

AngelWreakinHavoc · 24/01/2013 20:18

Nowt to do with you! Keep your nose out of other peoples business imo,

Fairylea · 24/01/2013 20:19

Why do you think it's a problem?

If it's simply because they have different dads you need to loosen the judgy pants. It is not at all unusual now and no one will bat an eyelid.

Except you that is.

NewAndSparklyMe · 24/01/2013 20:20

This is AIBU, no? Where we ask if we're being unreasonable or if others hold the same view?! Sometimes you want to see if others hold the same opinion or if you are in a minority, so is a perfectly reasonable AIBU.
"Why do you want an opinion" type answers are a bit strange.

CuttedUpPear · 24/01/2013 20:20

And if a man decides to 'effectively' bring up someone else's DC then good on him!
What on earth is your problem with that?
Would you be happier if she decided to bring up all the DCs on her own?

MammaTJ · 24/01/2013 20:20

I can top that with 5 DC, 5 different fathers, but as long as the DC are loved and cared for, it doesn't matter.

SolidGoldBrass · 24/01/2013 20:22

Depends on the dads. Chaotic, violent, abusive ones who have had to be thrown out of the family home would have a negative impact. Nice, involved ones who can be civil to her and all the DC will have a positive impact in showing DC that you can be separated parents and decent people, and that extended families are good.

t0lk13n · 24/01/2013 20:22

No I just can`t believe you are being so Shock about a relative. How someone else lives their life has absolutely nothing to do with you. So I have no opinion on it except to say thank God you are not my niece!

McNewPants2013 · 24/01/2013 20:27

What I judge is the useless fuckers that have abondoned there children, not this women who has taken on full responsibility of her children.

Isn't she entitled to find love again or have sex,yes she is and that useless fucker also left her a single mother.

She has attempted a 3rd time and I hope this man doesn't just fuck off and leave her a single mum yet again.

TandB · 24/01/2013 20:28

Well obviously the situation isn't absolutely ideal, in that it would be better for all eight of the children to have their biological fathers interested in them and having a positive effect on their lives.

But if their step-father is a good man who loves and supports them, then it may not be much of an issue.

I can't possibly imagine that this woman thought "I know - I'll have six children with these two deadbeats and then look for a nice man for another couple of kids." I would imagine she had children with someone she expected things to work out with, was left high and dry, but moved on and started a new relationship, in which she thought she could bring up her existing children and the children she wanted to have with her partner. When that didn't work out, she met someone else and wanted to have his children. And it sounds as though that's not going too badly if he is supporting all eight children and if he is actively involved in bringing them all up.

In any event, the children are here now, so there's no point wishing things had turned out differently.

HollyBerryBush · 24/01/2013 20:29

Op - do you not think sort of scenario was quite common after both world wars?

And if you care to dig back in history - most women that got through child bearing tended to carelessly lose husbands in wars and skirmishes and pick up another one who had avoided being mortally wounded!

Step families are not a modern day phenomenen

Original poster
StuckForAUserName · 24/01/2013 20:32

Actually I grew up without my real father and my stepfather was horrible, that is probably why I have taken an interest in this situation.

I cannot understand why she would have more children after the 1st husband left her with 4 DC, she then repeated it with the next 2 DC.

As a mother myself, I find it extremely selfish and MammaTJ I hope your DC agree with you when they are adults.

OP posts:
Original poster
StuckForAUserName · 24/01/2013 20:34

Isn't she entitled to find love again or have sex,yes she is and that useless fucker also left her a single mother.

Absolutely, but did she have to bring more DC into it?

OP posts:
Fairylea · 24/01/2013 20:35

I think you are missing the point a little ... everyone enters into a relationship believing it is the one, life long etc. So when she already had the first lot of children, she fell in love, thought that was "it" and had more... she obviously didn't anticipate the same thing happening again. Or again.

Or are single parents supposed to give up once they've had their one shot at it??