to think that having 8 DC by 3 different fathers may well have a detrimental impact on the DCs?

[StuckForAUserName]

Especially as the first two fathers are not in the picture anymore so the 3rd husband is bringing up someone else's 6 DC and then a further 2 have been added to the household .

The mother is effectively a single parent anyway as the latest DH is away a lot in the military. The oldest 3 are in boarding school though so there is only 5 DC full time at home. This is a middle class family btw not a family of 'benefit scroungers'. The mother states that 'her kids have a decent dad and will all be fine'. AIBU in thinking that it's terrible?

But would you not agree that any child of a parent with multiple children from multiple realtionships have a 'skewed' view of marriage or relationships, again, i'm not sure what your point is?

Is it Hillary? Or have you just unquestioningly swallowed a load of conservative (small c) propaganda?

Why do we have an increase in single mothers? That's the question we should be asking. The answers throw up some interesting facts.

It's easier to leave a marriage these days than at any point in history. If something becomes easier, more people do it. That doesn't necessarily mean that people take it less seriously or that society is becoming more feckless.

I think it means that women in unhappy marriages no longer have to put up with being abused, cheated on, having their career ambitions resolutely placed second, or generally treated like an unpaid domestic servant.

Did you know that the rate of DV is 3x higher among g single mothers than it is in coupled families? That to me says that DV is one of the biggest reasons women become single mothers. Today they can leave their abusive partners and protect their children (because let's be clear that witnessing abuse of a parent IS child abuse).

Did you know that contrary to what the DM would have you believe, less than 2% of single mothers are teenagers on benefits? Most are mid-30s, post divorce, and most work. They have not taken the decision to become a single parent lightly.

Did you know most single parents don't receive any child maintenance and have a 2x higher risk of being in poverty as a result of taking on sole responsibility for child care and it's costs.

Did you know that, despite these handicaps, if you take poverty out of the equation, the outcomes for the children of single mothers are no different to the outcomes of children from famlies where the parents are still together. It is deprivation that causes the increase in crime, violence and poor educational outcomes, not the single parent status of the mother.

Of course, we could say that the way to tackle poverty is to force women to stay in bad or unhappy relationships. Personally, I'd prefer to change society to ensure that when a couple split up, both parents take practical and financial responsibility for their children (this means giving the CSA some much-needed teeth and sharing residency more).

Ime most people get divorced for very serious reasons. Unless they choose to stay and tell lies, of course.

What Paiviaso said. Excellent post.

Moomin,

There is no evidence at present that my child has caused any problems for society, why would you assume such a thing?

I'm sorry abusive or not, if you are not happy in the particular relationship and feel it better to end it - why not? Sometimes that might make you a single parent but so what? It's better than staying with someone just for the children and habouring resentment.

HillaryClitoris Fri 25-Jan-13 15:52:05 "
"But would you not agree that any child of a parent with multiple children from multiple realtionships have a 'skewed' view of marriage or relationships, again, i'm not sure what your point is? "

But surely if the woman had not found her third partner, that would have meant the children growing up fatherless, seeing that the first and second father had already gone out of their lives? So what is worse if they now get a loving father? Surely any "skewedness" would result from the departure of the original parent, not from the mother finding a new one.

You seem to want it both ways: single mothers are bad, but finding a new partner is also bad: what did you want the poor woman to do then, once partner 1 had gone? Is there any other choice than either being a single mother or having a new partner?

Besides, as I have pointed out before, this situation- a parent with multiple children from multiple relationships - has been the norm for most of human history, until the lowering of mortality meant that people could actually have a choice. Doing research on my own and dh's history confirms this: step parents abound. Does that mean that everybody that grew up with a step-parent in medieval, Renaissance, Victorian times would have a skewed view, too?

Did you know that, despite these handicaps, if you take poverty out of the equation, the outcomes for the children of single mothers are no different to the outcomes of children from famlies where the parents are still together.

Highly depends what 'outcomes' you're talking about.

In response to Dahlen,

What is the conservative propaganda you mention, I'm intrigued?

Why do we have more single mothers? Please tell me the answers.

I cannot make sense of your 4th paragraph.

Do you have any supporting evidence that DV is responsible for making mothers single?

I do agree to some degree with your final paragraph, both parents take financial responsibility, CSA and shared parenting... I would be happy to debate

single mothers are bad, but finding a new partner is also bad: what did you want the poor woman to do then

Find a partner by all means, but stop breeding.

Hillary so you are a single parent then?

So how come you can bring your dc up on your own without them causing problems to society but you feel other single mothers can't?

I agree with Blackmary,

What outcomes are you referring to?

Statistically children growing up without a Father are far more susceptible to a myriad of problems.

But what if that father can't be bothered? Who's to blame then? Single mothers still?

Moomin,

I don't and have stated that I do.

I cannot say that my daughter will not cause problems to society, but, I have focused on being a parent to my daughter and not on new relationships and having more children.

I do believe, I do not blame, that many parents try to create, or re create a 'perfect family' which is ultimately a selfish choice that research does show is very difficult to achieve with results showing how difficult this can be.

AGiven,

No, absolutely not.

Absolutely FUCK a 'father' that walks away from his own children and I do not think that single mothers are to blame for that.

But, two or three times... then who is the common denominator?

I have focused on being a parent to my daughter and not on new relationships and having more children.

Good for you. Selfless responsible parenting.

But, two or three times... then who is the common denominator?

Amen.

BlackMaryJanes Fri 25-Jan-13 16:01:08
"single mothers are bad, but finding a new partner is also bad: what did you want the poor woman to do then

Find a partner by all means, but stop breeding. "

Why? My dn has hardly been disadvantaged by the fact that my brother provided her with two siblings as well as bringing her up and being a devoted father to her from the age of 3. How would she have been better off if her mother had stopped breeding?

And how would dn have been better off if her mother had concentrated on bringing her up and not having a new relationship- thus depriving her of a loving father from the age of 3, and a grandfather to her own children?

I know it's choice but 8 children - that is a lot of children, I get that boarding school might help with ensuring everyone gets enough attention.

I'm sure the OP mentioned that they are not 'benefit scroungers' to stop anyone assuming this and thinking that you shouldn't have 8 children unless you can afford them - which surely is relevant to whether it's a reasonable set-up or not. Whether the term benefit scroungers is harsh and judgemental is surely a different point.

In not saying that you can't have 8 children and give them all equal love and attention but the OP says this is not happening. On the strength of this then I think the OP is not being unreasonable in this case to question the wisdom of having more children if you can't care for then even if you have the financial resources. But this is all subjective and the OP doesn't know for sure this is the case and the children are probably better off than lots of others.

But surely you can come on AIBU and get riled and judgmental about this kind of stuff because isn't that what AIBU is for?

LynetteScavo we know the same person then ;)

I too, Hope that one day I meet someone and for my daughter to be able to enjoy being a big sister, but, I do realise that her having a stable 'seperated' family is of far more importance.

I'm sorry but this thread stinks of disposable fatherness without question of why that may the case, impact on the children and the possible unique situations.

Does anyone have some gold stars to hand out?

Hilary, as a starting point, check out the Gingerbread website. It bases most of its facts on ONS and DWP research, which can't be claimed to have an agenda (and if it does, it's certainly not a pro single mother one).

The 'conservative' (small c) propaganda I am referring to is simply an unquestioning acceptance of the status quo that all societies around the world encourage its members to adopt. It does not mean anything political. All enlightenment and destigmatising of disadvantaged groups, such as slaves, ethnic minorities, etc has resulted from people thinking a bit more critically and questioning the conservative approach.

The myriad of problems associated with the children of single mothers that you refer to apply only when the background of those children is one of deprivation. Take that out and there is no difference. There are numerous studies demonstrating this.

Please quote the paragraph you don't understand and I will rephrase.

And if your next partner leaves you will be in the same position as those mothers you are slating.

Moomin, grow the fuck up.