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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think that having 8 DC by 3 different fathers may well have a detrimental impact on the DCs?

379 replies

StuckForAUserName · 24/01/2013 20:08

Especially as the first two fathers are not in the picture anymore so the 3rd husband is bringing up someone else's 6 DC and then a further 2 have been added to the household Hmm.

The mother is effectively a single parent anyway as the latest DH is away a lot in the military. The oldest 3 are in boarding school though so there is only 5 DC full time at home. This is a middle class family btw not a family of 'benefit scroungers'. The mother states that 'her kids have a decent dad and will all be fine'. AIBU in thinking that it's terrible?

OP posts:
PelvicFloorClenchReminder · 24/01/2013 22:04

What a bloody lovely person you are, OP Hmm

Why not congratulate yourself on your own luck rather than denigrating others who have had the opposite.

spiritedaway · 24/01/2013 22:05

Sparkly I like your post. :)

Moominsarescary · 24/01/2013 22:10

I have 5 dc with 3 fathers, ds was a contraception fail. We were very young and the relationship didn't work out. He hasn't been a fantastic father by any means. However ds1 has always had contact with him and has turned out perfectly well regardless.

Ds2 was born 8 years later. Exh is a good father, we still get on well and parent together.

Ds3 was born 8 years after ds2, a bit of a theme going on! Dp has a very good relationship with ds1&2 and doesn't treat them any different to ds3.

whois · 24/01/2013 22:13

I think it is incredible selfish of the mum (and new partner) to bring more children into a relationship like that. All they are doing it trying to create a common bond, not actually thinking "hey this family really wants and can cope with 2 more children". Having children does not fix relationships or being you closer together if there are ready cracks.

I find the act of having multiple children by multiple dads a foolish one.

Appreciate many many many other people would strongly disagree with that.

McNewPants2013 · 24/01/2013 22:16

why is it foolish.

FanFuckingTastic · 24/01/2013 22:20

Please do explain the foolish comment? I'm intrigued.

I adore my children and have pretty normal relationships with their fathers, who mostly adore their children, if are a bit annoying at times. I have always explained it to them as have an extra big family, that not only do they get to have their at home family and siblings, but they get to have a massive family outside of that too, and my son has brothers, and my daughter has sisters, and they love that. They come home and have me always, but they see love in many shapes and forms from their extended family, and I like to think it shapes them into loving people.

renaldo · 24/01/2013 22:24

I think the opinion Of the DCs is more important than the parents .most people I know brought up with step siblings did struggle with perceived favouritism and mothers with a series of different fathers of thier children need to think more of the children than their own love like frankly

DSM · 24/01/2013 22:31

Why are some of you so quick to condemn and vilify the mothers, who have possibly made mistakes, possibly made bad choices with men?

A woman who has DC and then becomes single shouldn't be allowed to find love and add to their family? And if she does find love, should that man not be entitled to father children of his own?

And if that relationship breaks down, well god forbid she ever even consider trying again. How dare she.

But let's not talk about the men - the ones who have abandoned their children, or the ones who are lovingly bringing up someone else's children. Irrelevant men.

Moominsarescary · 24/01/2013 22:32

My dc all love each other, they don't have any step siblings unless you mean half siblings?

Ds1 always wanted a sibling but I wasn't going to ask his opinion on the matter. Ds2 loves being an older brother and ds1 who is 18 loves having the littlest around, Ds3 is always so happy to see him he says it makes his day.

If anything ds2 believes ds1 is favoured, because he gets to do what he wants more. Obviously this is because ds1 is an adult and has nothing to do with favouritism or the fact they have different fathers

ledkr · 24/01/2013 22:35

Moron!
I have 3 fathers for my children who are all balanced individuals.
Ds1 and 2 from my first relationship he was very violent so I left.
Ds3 and dd1 from my 18 yr marriage. Ended with him cheating.
Dd2 from my new 6 yr marriage.
I have worked all my life and brought up my children very well thank you.

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 24/01/2013 22:55

Ledkr. Out of interest, how old were you when you had your first child and most recent?

BeanJuice · 24/01/2013 23:00

OP if you ever dare to post things about number of children/family arrangements that don't seem too good you will get flamed on MN for being too judgey Grin i wouldn't bother

rhondajean · 24/01/2013 23:12

I don't judge in situations like that but I do think how incredibly complicated life must be, especially of all the dads are involved, and what an amazing logistical job the mums must do. I also posted a thread before Christmas, prompted by a conversation with some one I know with three kids by three dads, about how you cope when one dad and his family buy more and are more involved than others.

I just think life must be so so complicated. I barely hold it together with one father still living with us!

SolidGoldBrass · 24/01/2013 23:19

I'm just Shock at someone having 8 children in the first place. EIGHT! As my mother used to say of a neighbour who had five DC - does her telly not work or something?

simonedeboudoir · 24/01/2013 23:24

Jesus OP. You clearly have too much time on your hands Confused

Moominsarescary · 24/01/2013 23:39

Mine have never shown any type of jealousy towards what the other gets or does with their dads, that could be due to the age gap though.

We take it in turns at Christmas with ds2, this year he was with his dad Xmas eve until 12 Christmas day, next year I'll have him Christmas eve and drop him off Christmas day. Ds1 goes to his dads family after dinner on Christmas day.

MammaTJ · 25/01/2013 06:28

As a mother myself, I find it extremely selfish and MammaTJ I hope your DC agree with you when they are adults.

I wasn't talking about myself, I actually have three DC two different fathers.

My Husband left me after ten years of marriage. He had been having an affair for 6 months.

Should I then have lived like a nun and not met my DP and had more children? Really? I was only in my mid 30s when he moved out.

LovesBeingWokenEveryNight · 25/01/2013 06:33

Are you judging her on what she has chosen to do or how things have ended up? If its the second you need to learn some empathy and understanding. Do you think this is how she planned her life , or this is how things ended up and she has learnt from it and her children are loved and well brought up?

StressDaily · 25/01/2013 06:36

How bizarre.

HecateWhoopass · 25/01/2013 06:40

So. Once a woman has had a child with a man, that's it? If the relationship breaks down she is allowed to find another person to love, but shouldn't have any more children?

Does this apply to the men too? If you have a child with a woman and leave - you can't go on to father more children with someone else?

Perhaps as a condition of divorce/separation, woman should be sterilised and men have the snip.

And no, I have no personal beef here. My children both have the same father. Who I am still married to.

In an ideal world, you would find the person who you wanted to spend the rest of your life with (if you wanted to spend your life with one person Grin ) and they would be wonderful and you would be wonderful and you'd have children and they would be wonderful...

But life has a habit of not working out how you expected it to.

I don't think many women go into a situation thinking ok, I'll have one with him and then sod off to the next bloke...

and ! even if someone DID - that is not as important as whether or not any children that they do have are raised well, loved and cared for.

children with different fathers does not in itself mean disadvantaged, neglected, bad.

If the mother is good and the fathers are good and the children are raised well and everyone is parenting cooperatively - it's not the end of the world!

ledkr · 25/01/2013 07:07

fuckadoo 17 and 43!!! It's just how my life turned out really.
Big age gaps and they all adore each other. My boys were teens when x left and they took care of their baby did after school while I worked.
We don't fit any stereotypes that people ike the op believe.
I have two professional qualifications, all my boys went through further education and all have good jobs, I own my own home.
I am great friends with my ex and his family and my new dh not only took on my dd but Is very supportive if the older ones too.
Our own baby was unexpected but an amazing addition to our family.
Most women these days have more than one sexual relationship it'd just that some produce babies.
I love it on here when people suggest that mothers become lonely unfulfilled martyrs when they are mothers.
Because yes that would be truly useful to the children wouldn't it Hmm

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 25/01/2013 07:58

I was wondering how you fitted them all in when you had an 18 year marriage in the middle! Good work Smile

Paiviaso · 25/01/2013 09:35

YANBU

I believe having a stable environment is really important for children, and having children with a man, separating, having children with another man, separating, having a children with another man...it must be incredibly tough on all the children involved, however "well cared for" they are.

I think perhaps it is a good thing they are being sent to boarding school.

boredSAHMof4 · 25/01/2013 09:43

Looking at it factually then yes, you are right- Children do best with a stable home life.
But crikey there is no need for those judgey pants! Do you think she set out thinking 'I want to have my children by 3 different fathers?'
DH and I have been married 22 years , but none of us know what is round the corner...

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 25/01/2013 09:43

Are you sure it's not 3 kids by 8 different fathers?