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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend wants dinner and housework before I can have newborn cuddles...

263 replies

Sal77 · 20/01/2013 11:40

My close friend has recently had a baby. I went round to see her after she'd got out of hospital with a lasagne I'd cooked for them for dinner. When I arrived I was given a piece of paper with a list of chores and told to choose one (I did some hoovering whilst she sat on the sofa with the baby, her DH was at the gym she said). It was a little awkward. Only after that could I have a look/cuddle of the baby.

Now, don't get me wrong, I understand having a newborn baby is hard work and I'm happy to help out (I also bought the bump Christmas presents, birthday presents and arranged the baby shower before baby was born). I didn't mind cooking her and her DH dinner, but I feel as though being asked to do housework on arrival was a bit rude given I'd already done dinner...

My friend did mention before the baby arrived about her idea to only allow guests over if they bring dinner and do chores but I didn't think she was that serious about it... And of course I don't mind helping out with babysitting and cooking dinners... But I did think it very rude to ask me to hoover too...

AIBU?

OP posts:
Kooza · 20/01/2013 15:35

Wow, that's bonkers. I mean, nobody wants visitors that sit and expect to be waited on hand and foot when you've got a newborn but to hand over a list!?

I wouldn't be going back! Especially after you turned up with dinner for them already made! What a nerve.

kerstina · 20/01/2013 15:35

I think this is a joke thread I do not believe it. Only way it would be plausible is if OP had asked if needed any help and was presented with the list of chores. I really would not want a friend like this.

CheungFun · 20/01/2013 15:44

This is rude! I can understand getting everyone to muck in, but you generally wait for them to ask if you need anything doing!

When I have another dc, I will ask guests to help themselves to tea and biscuits instead of hobbling around myself, and if someone asks me if I need anything doing, I'll happily ask them to do the washing up. I think hoovering is something that can wait though tbh!

BadLad · 20/01/2013 15:51

What the fuck? Do you and your friend live in a sitcom? That's something I would roll my eyes at in the Peep Show.

Obviously your friend is being extremely (but hilariously) unreasonable.

Abra1d · 20/01/2013 15:59

I managed to entertain friends and family post-Caesarean without making any of them do chores for me. My mother might have offered help and I would have gratefully accepted, but apart from that, no.

Ditto when my second child was born, at which stage my son was 20 months. If we needed household help we paid for a cleaner. Our friends are not skivvies.

It's not that physically hard having a baby in the 21st century, in Britain, with washing machines and dryers and hoovers and cars, etc.

diddl · 20/01/2013 16:04

Perhaps if you do enough chores, you´re allowed to change a shitty nappy!Grin

ReluctantMother · 20/01/2013 16:05

Given that her partner was at the gym, I'd have taken the lasagne and left.

MumVsKids · 20/01/2013 16:11
Hmm

That is all.....

Meglet · 20/01/2013 16:13

I'm a bit impressed with your friend actually. I was invaded after my EMCS DC1 and in no state to do anything, not that anyone cared. Trying to entertain, bf and keep on top of the pain was miserable.

Second time round (planned CS) I told everyone to keep away unless they were going to help out a bit. Hardly any visitors and the few that did come gave me a hand Smile.

To be honest, I wouldn't dream of visiting new parents now. I keep well away when they're tiny and send chocolate.

soulresolution · 20/01/2013 16:24

YANBU, that's very rude. You sound like a lovely friend, I expect she'll get over herself soon and be grateful just for you to cuddle the baby and give her a break!

Superene · 20/01/2013 16:27

You could have said you would rather not given that you had brought dinner at the time, or said something since. But we all go a bit mad when we first have a baby. I am more shocked that her dh was at the gym.

Rosa · 20/01/2013 16:29

Friend came round ( no food) with pleasure I handed week old baby and dived into the bath and had a soak. She managed to put the kettle on, get the biscuits out put baby down make tea ....I came out of the bath and drank the tea . Nice friend ...pity she moved. I was lucky no Cs but infected stitches so dh did the hoovering after work.

cees · 20/01/2013 16:40

Your friend is being super stupid and I can't see anyone coming back for a second visit if that's the way she is going to carry on.

Bloody barking that is, seriously you did enough bringing a dinner for them and she took the piss, it's not about being assertive she was just being a twat.

Let her keep her bribary cuddles and avoid til she wakes up.

BanghamTheDirtyScone · 20/01/2013 16:41

'It's not that physically hard having a baby in the 21st century, in Britain, with washing machines and dryers and hoovers and cars, etc.'

Well no but obvs if she had had a really hard time of it (and a lot of people do for various reasons) then it would be far more understandable to ask for help.

AmberLeaf · 20/01/2013 16:57

She doesn't sound particularly 'bewildered' if she managed to draw up a list of chores!

I think after seeing you had gone to the effort of cooking a meal she was being especially rude.

Some people are incredibly precious.

KindleMum · 20/01/2013 16:57

She's lost the plot and will hopefully regain her marbles in a week or so. Bringing dinner is great, making tea and maybe a sandwich is lovely and I think guests should do their own cups of tea when you're just out of hospital. But you can't demand more and you certainly can't trade it for cuddles!

If someone's had a bad time, then it's great if visitors do the practical stuff rather than flowers and chocs. I had a rubbish, life-threatening time and I certainly appreciated the friends who quickly cleared the washing-up before they left or phoned first and asked if I wanted anything from the shops or offered to take baby while I slept or had a bath. That was nice of them. But to demand ..... so wrong.

And it's acceptable IMO to ask (not demand) help if you can't cope for some reason (lots of kids or single mum or v poorly after etc) but she's demanding help while OH swans off to the gym. He should be skipping gym to do the chores in that case.

She'll learn soon enough that what goes around comes around. Her friends will soon learn to say no very fast when she demands babysitting etc.

I'd have been thrilled with a lasagne by the way - perfect gift food for a new mum, freezable, nutritious, tasty and no work to heat up. Great choice. Please don't be put off doing it for other new mums in future, they'll love it. You pitched it absolutely right, she's just being a self-absorbed mare.

Schnarkle · 20/01/2013 17:08

Callycat

Run for the hills. My (ex) friend was still demanding visitors "muck in" - i.e. do her chores whilst she relaxed - when her PFB was seven years old. She really thought we were THAT desperate to visit him.

I love this, that's hilarious.

Nordicmom · 20/01/2013 17:23

OMG

SnakePlisskensMum · 20/01/2013 17:30

Comingintomyown - me too! I would've done anything for some free hoovering time. Here, have a cuddle, I'm off with the Cif and the Domestos!

PureQuintessence · 20/01/2013 17:36

I think I would have added "Make dinner" on the list, made a tick next to it and handed friend lasagna and list and just left, tbh!

ENormaSnob · 20/01/2013 17:43

She's a nob.

makemineamalibuandpineapple · 20/01/2013 17:43

Shock I am assuming this is a PFB??!! Some women can become a bit diva like and assume they are the only one's to have ever had a baby so therefore demand all the support they can get. I would have been fuming that her DH was at the gym. Why didn't you just say no?

BinkyWinky · 20/01/2013 17:48
Shock

Bloody hell. Had anything else on the list been crossed out?!

FreePeaceSweet · 20/01/2013 17:56

You are joking right? I was told no vacuuming until two months afterwards. Birth was ventouse and two stitches so I probably needed to be more careful than the average new mum

I'm not being a martyr and competitive. This is just how it was. No frigging choice. I gave birth to an 11lb baby that got stuck, had an emergency episiotomy with no pain relief, had two sets of hands up my chuff, had over a 100 stitches that all burst one by one, then had a vaginal prolapse... two days later I was doing the school run and housework. (Folk tend to care less after your first baby and you as a mother remember that the world forgot to stop turning when your pfb came along.)

PureQuintessence · 20/01/2013 18:06

Her husband could perhaps put hoovering into his exercise regime rather than fark off to the gym?