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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend wants dinner and housework before I can have newborn cuddles...

263 replies

Sal77 · 20/01/2013 11:40

My close friend has recently had a baby. I went round to see her after she'd got out of hospital with a lasagne I'd cooked for them for dinner. When I arrived I was given a piece of paper with a list of chores and told to choose one (I did some hoovering whilst she sat on the sofa with the baby, her DH was at the gym she said). It was a little awkward. Only after that could I have a look/cuddle of the baby.

Now, don't get me wrong, I understand having a newborn baby is hard work and I'm happy to help out (I also bought the bump Christmas presents, birthday presents and arranged the baby shower before baby was born). I didn't mind cooking her and her DH dinner, but I feel as though being asked to do housework on arrival was a bit rude given I'd already done dinner...

My friend did mention before the baby arrived about her idea to only allow guests over if they bring dinner and do chores but I didn't think she was that serious about it... And of course I don't mind helping out with babysitting and cooking dinners... But I did think it very rude to ask me to hoover too...

AIBU?

OP posts:
Maryz · 20/01/2013 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AChickenCalledKorma · 20/01/2013 14:08

I agree with Chunderella. Give the woman a break. She's just had a baby - she's knackered, hormonal, confused, bewildered and having advice thrown at her from every side. Most of us on here have been there.

Yes, she's being rude by normal standards of behaviour, but nothing's normal when you've just had a baby. And people do always advice new mums to ask for help from visitors!

Yes, she will be mortified once the child is a bit older and she realises that she's behaving like a wally. But practically everyone that ever gave birth to their first child can remember a time when they did something similarly odd, in a bid to get a grip on life.

MurderOfGoths · 20/01/2013 14:08

Handing over a list and demanding you pick one is unbelievably rude!

The only way I could see the list as ok is if she's said, "I'm struggling with these things, do you think you could help?"

But demanding you pick one? Rude as hell!

There is definite middle ground between having to run round after guests after giving birth and treating your guests as household staff!

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 20/01/2013 14:09

I can't get too mad at her because people on MN give this sort of advice ALL THE TIME "oh get people to help".

ZZZenAgain · 20/01/2013 14:09

she's going to bevery lonely. What a twit.

MurderOfGoths · 20/01/2013 14:09

"And people do always advice new mums to ask for help from visitors!"

Asking is fair enough. Demanding is nuts!!

diddl · 20/01/2013 14:18

Is this advice really given "all the time" on here??

I mean to the point of demanding that a friend cook for you (& your husband) & do some house work as well?

I thought it was more in terms of if parents/ILs are coming to stay to see the new baby-make sure that they do stuff!

MrsDeVere · 20/01/2013 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 20/01/2013 14:29

Also,if you do this, when do you wean yourself off it????

You know, in preparation for RL??Grin

DeckSwabber · 20/01/2013 14:33

I think your friend has been told to get people to help and has taken it a bit too literally.

Also it sounds as if her partner expects her to manage while he carries on as if nothing had happened. This may be upsetting her a lot more than she lets on.

I was hopeless at asking people to help and was perpetually exhausted when I had my newborns, so I also kind of admire her front!

Loquace · 20/01/2013 14:36

Also,if you do this, when do you wean yourself off it????

Possibly when all your visitors dry up, due to being miffed at list, by week three?

pleasethanks · 20/01/2013 14:36

Bloody nora. I would have been thrilled if a friend had brought me a meal when I had DD (we were first of friends to have DC!). I would have never in a million years told someone to do chores before they could hold my baby, and DD was a baby that could not be put down!

I wonder if your friend had the same NCT teacher as me - she told us to have a list of chores up on the door so visitors could see what needed done!

It is great that your friend felt able to ask for help, but I don't like the way she did it (esp when her DH was out at gym!)

MrsMangoBiscuit · 20/01/2013 14:37

OP, you should have written "Cook Dinner" on the list and crossed it off! Grin

Asking for help is fine, but demanding it is unreasonable. I hope when the dust settles for your friend, she realises that she's been pretty rude. Maybe she was just struggling with how to ask for help and her aggressive friend came up with the list idea?

gotthemoononastick · 20/01/2013 14:42

I hope this idea takes off!Just think how much angst will be avoided if mums and mil have a list to know what they are allowed to touch,move,wash,rearrange,or simply do.

difficultpickle · 20/01/2013 14:43

As the single mum of a poorly prem (when he came home after nearly 5 weeks in SCBU) all I ever asked visitors to do was to make themselves and me a cup of tea!

Seems a good way of discouraging visitors, which may be what she wants.

IneedAsockamnesty · 20/01/2013 14:48

I would never arrive at the house of a newborn without bringing food and doing a small job as soon as I arrived( dishes/ Hoover ect) but I would not bother if it was demanded in such a way.

Alisvolatpropiis · 20/01/2013 14:51

WTAF?

Cheeky bitch.

Alisvolatpropiis · 20/01/2013 14:51

Her not you!

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 20/01/2013 14:54

What were the other jobs OP?

megglevache · 20/01/2013 14:57

hahahaha, wish I'd done that. LOL

megglevache · 20/01/2013 14:58

would deffo'd put MIL off from terrorising me.

SanityClause · 20/01/2013 15:00

I was back at work with all of my DC within four or five days of their birth. I am lucky, in that I am self employed, and could do this, but it was a matter of taking them into the office everyday, where they would either lie on their backs on a rug and play, or be asleep in a sling, or I would breastfeed while answering the phone, if need be.

Now, I know for some people, the birth is not so easy, and may take more time to recover from, so I'm not saying everyone could or should do this.

But, bloody hell, some mothers don't half cosset themselves!

ChasingDogs · 20/01/2013 15:23

I'm all for bringing a meal around (preferably something that keeps well/can be bunged in the freezer for later) and helping with stuff like the dishes when somebody has a newborn. That's just being a friend. But honestly, if somebody gave me a list I'd have fallen about laughing and left. Love the "pay per view" baby comment.

Then again I'm not all that fussed about holding newborns. I prefer them able to talk and a bit less breakable Grin

Does the "reward" go up in accordance with the number of chores you do? If you do the whole list do you get to keep the baby?

cacamilis · 20/01/2013 15:26

I think I would have stuck the hoover where the sun don't shine! Could she not have done the fecking hoovering if it was that urgent while you held the baby?

Isityouorme · 20/01/2013 15:28

Stupid bitch .... What a cow! I would not be helping her again.

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