to find the kids annoying when I've had them all day?

[BlackMaryJanes]

I'm a SAHM. DH leaves for work at 7am and arrives back home at 6pm. Up until recently DH would take the kids to the supermarket for an hour when he got home in every evening to give me a break. An absolute lifeline for me. Now, he doesn't want to do that anymore. During our argument I said to him that after having the kids all day, I find them annoying. To which he responded, "Do you hate motherhood that much?!"

So, AIBU to find them annoying after having them all day? Does this mean I 'hate motherhood'? By the end of the day I feel touched-out, exhausted, irritable and in need of some breathing space. The kids are 2.5 and 12 months. I'm still BFing the 12 month old.

I do sympathise OP. Two pre schoolers is hard work.

However, I don't think that you are helping yourself. You seem more keen on competing with your DH about who has the hardest role. You are also being defeatist 'we're fucked, etc' rather than trying to move forward.
SAHParenting isn't necessarily harder. It depends on so many factors. Your DH doesn't appear to understand how stressful looking after two small DC is and you probably don't understand the pressures that he feels as the working parent.
I think you are being unreasonable to expect him to take over everything as soon as he walks through the door. He probably wants a break too. Why can't you share the bedtime duties, have the DC in bed by 7ish and then both have time to relax?
Assuming that he doesn't work at weekends, you should both be able to have some time to yourselves.
You need to communicate at a time when you are not exhausted and stressed and both listen to the other.

skullcandy:
'my dh works shifts, it means that every two weeks in 3 i am completely on my own all day, every day, i operate as a single parent because his contribution to the household during the weeks he works Afternoons and Nights is ZERO.'

On behalf of single parents, (I'm not a single parent), I have to take issue with this. Assuming that your DH's salary pays for the house, the bills, the food, etc and assuming that he supports you all emotionally and is a caring partner, you are not operating like a single parent and his contribution is not zero. You are looking after the DC alone because he is at work. Totally different.

Any comparisons of who's day has been tougher is pointless, as is dwelling on the amount of time he has to himself each day - that comes with going to work, simple. You are however allowed to download/vent just as much as he is about his job.
Having small children is intense, especially if you have the majority of the childcare responsibility. To some extent you do have to accept the reality of your joint choices - and it will get better. BUT that is also true of your dh. If he's home whilst DCs are up then he has to share childcare responsibilities.
Seriously you guys need to talk to each other. His comments are unreasonable but sound defensive & you sound very hurt (I'm totally understanding of that your reserves are spent, no doubt you're shattered). You need to break this cycle. Have you told him, unemotionally, what is going on for you?
Agree realistic expectations for both of you. Any chance you can get some couple time to chat about it?
Dh travels & works long hours so I'm alone a lot, I've only DD but it is tough. We share responsibility whenever he is around midweek & give each other "me" time at wkends. Dh needs it just as much as I & then neither of us feels hard done by. Plus he gets invaluable 1to1 time with DD.

Khall. Well aren't you pleasant!

amirah85. I do have bad days which is why i would never be as harsh and judgmental as you have been. You'd think that you would understand where she's coming from.

YANBU !!!

I'm glad I'm not the only one.
Mine are doing my head in lately .

I so need a break .

DH and I had a conversation a few weeks ago in which he was shocked that I couldn't find 20 spare minutes a day.

I am often at home but do work part time hours at two jobs. I'm also studying with the OU.

I really envy DH's lunch break. And the ability to poo when he wants to. Pooing when I want to is the thing I miss most.

I have often thought about writing down what I do all day. In minute detail. But finding the time to do this is impossible.

Hmm started odd agreeing with you OP but the more I read the more I see you responding to people who are backing you up and ignoring any constructive advice you are given.

YOU need to try and make changes here. Your DH is clearly lacking in understanding of the realities of being a SAHM - but then so was I before I was one! You are probably lacking in the understanding of working in a high pressure, high earning job, the pressure of financially supporting a whole family on your own and the thankless task of taking two kids out to the supermarket every evening when you get it.

Work out a more realistic way to get your you time, a bath and magazine in bed for starters was a simple easy suggestion. TBH i find DH taking over and playing with DC suffices while I sit on the sofa for a bit.

YANBU -- SAHM of two under 3 is HARD, RELENTLESS WORK.

I'll say it again: YANBU.

But:

Look for solutions. Being angry, being defensive, feeling that all is DOOM. DOOM, IT WILL NEVER CHANGE, which is the gist of all your posts, well, looking back, can you see why your DH thinks that you hate motherhood?

Full-time, full-on motherhood really is fucking hard, hard work. As going out to work in a high-pressure, results-driven job can be. I know of what I speak, I have done both in recent years. I hope that the responses on here have helped you to feel heard, to feel like other people know what it's like.

Please try to listen to the posters who have been there, bought the t-shirt and come out the other side. You can you and your DH work together to make your life better if you listen to each other and give each other some consideration. This phase will pass soon enough, but the resentments you set up now may haunt you. Don't let them. Make plans, think about studying, a career for yourself, anything to redress the balance in your life.

You sound articulate and intelligent. Now you know it's natural to feel the way you do at the end of the day with young kids, take the initiative. Even if it feels like too much effort. your family will thank you for it.

Good luck!

PS breastfed both of mine till past 12 months, felt passionately about it, but life got a lot easier once each of them weaned. Don't stop because you feel touched out, but do consider a cost-benefit analysis. . .

Bedtime for my 17-month-old is 6.30pm, which some might find ridiculously early, but it gives my son a chance to hang out with daddy for an hour or so when he wakes at 6.30am (my husband gets home late and otherwise wouldn't see our son midweek).

It works for us (particularly me :D) as I get to relax of an evening. I also have sitter, three evenings a week, for an hour or two, to go to yoga, grab a drink with a friend or for a run. But seeing as your husband is there of an evening, you have built-in babysitting.

Yeah it's hard being a sahm of 2 kids that age.. Done it.

But it's bloody paradise compared to being a working mother of 4 kids.

Be thankful your dh has a job and can support you and just see this as a lovely time to spend with your little ones.

This goes sooooo fast. Don't compete in the 'who does more than who' that's childish and silly.

Of course kids drive you mad sometimes what did you expect? but get him to do story time, you have a nice bubble bath and chill and both put kids to bed.

Wine and chill.

The hard years are ahead I am afraid to say.. Little ones are easy.

maraiannem-sometimes have to laugh as better than crying.

tonight my younger 2darlings both in my bed keep waking up nearly every hour.

plantsitter-agree ith all you posts love the get a grip bit.

Im finding breasfeeding my 21month old son quite hard.

I have 20months between dd2 and dd3.

had 3.5years between 1 and 2.
went back work fulltime after no 1.

in some ways getting easier.

dd2 started preschool in sept just gone so she does 1half days preschool and 1full day nursery.

I envy people ho have freinds and family close.

A lot of my close freinds dont have kids they dont understand

I have freinds whos parents /mil have kids all time.

mine tries he works long hours in retail often weekends, bank hols did xmas eve and boxing day and felt bit sorry for myself then,

Think its ok to have days to wallow.

important part is not every day like that.

do you think you could be bit depressed? as and can strike any time cousins wife was diagnosed when twins were 2.

well done on feeding so long.

if hes not going help best thing is early nite set routine for them both.

dont be afraid to use tv bedtime hour whilst get younger one to sleep.

i double bath as quicker sometimes all 3.

i find just getting them be early sometimes as early as 6 although 6year lds learnt to tell time now.

Having quick tidy downstairs so its habitable

ensuring teas ready as hardly eat in day and having adult civilised convesation with husband when he comes through door helps.

I do fake an interest in his day and retail sales.
try to be as positive as can about y day sometimes hes says i whinge too much .

But on weekends /days off i expect him to pull his weight

that involves taking 1 child round his mums
helping ith school runs/food shop
babysitting ilst i go out even just for bwose round shops or out with mate shopping/drinks .

He then appreciates how hard it is.

best punishment for nasty comment send him both kids to softplay on sat by himself:).

sent mine to a toddler group once he hates it i said welcome to my life. The more you can expose him to the better.

I do 3loads laundry a day feels like never quite catch up.

You need to make time for you.

we have multiroom in bedroom so i watch trashy tv once they in bed or have bath with wine and a magazine.

if weathers good i try get out to park.
also try fit in soem family days out an 1 holiday a year
devon wasent sucess last year the kids did his head in.

Yours are both so young older one will change next 6months ages 1-2 for me with no 2 were hellish shes better now.

I do miss days of ork the quiet commute ith radio and paper on bus and train stopping by coffee shop on way in, adult conversation.

leasts with younger ones you dont have joy of school runs, comprtative parents and ferrying them roiund various clubs and playdates you in charge of your own destiny,

if They really doing my head in we go out for walk to corner shop.
nothing like fresh air.

Hmm.

You really sound like you are not enjoying being a mum OP.

I was at home with two who were 18 months apart. It was hard work. Of course it was, but that's what I expected when I made that decision.

I don't actually remember trips to the loo being a major expedition either .

Would it be fair to say you are discontented with your decision to have children?

I don't want to sound horrible but you rather sound like you don't have much patience with your kids.

hi...
i have a 2.6 yr old and a 9 month old v had a similar problem my half works 6am- 12pm and then 5pm- 10pm 5 days a week he has suns n mons off... v realised i culdnt cope n he cudnt help becoz of his timings and having a nap during the day so v have placed our elder one in nursery for 3 hrs a day 3 afternoons a week this way my younger ones asleep so i can either catch up with wat i want to or have a nap or spend tym with other haf.... shes at nursery tues thurs n fris suns n mon hubbys at home so i just have to manage on weds n sats wich il take er out them two days sumwhere where shel late were also not a morning fam they sleep beteen 8 & 9pm
this way v both gt a few hrz off n i gt sum too... it costs us about 15 quid a week but she enjoys it n always is twkin bout it n v gt our tymz off x

cant they go to theloo with you?mine used to!not for poosalthugh there wasprobably the odd timethey walked in!

YANBU, but then your DH also has a point.

is there anyone around who could take the children for a few hours at the weekend, so you and DH can leave the flat/go for a coffee and TALK about how you both feel, without the dc around to distract you? It sounds like you are both exhausted and resentful; you need a good long honest talk together to clear the air and agree on what you both want to do (and there are heaps of good ideas on this thread already but I really think the place to start is talking)

YANBU

But YABVVU for not listening to all the excellent advice people are giving you. Competitive martyring will get you and your DH nowhere.

TBH I understand how you both feel. I work part-time so I experience both SAHM type days as well as days when I get in from work having been commuting/working for 11 hours and then take over from DH with the kids. On those days, as much as I want to see them, I'm exhausted and desperate to sit down and have a break too.

I don't think asking DH and kids to go to the supermarket every night is fair tbh. The alternative I think is that you need to go out for an hour if you want a break (coffee or a walk). I also think its only fair to do this every other night and give your DH the opportunity to do the same on the other nights

Kids are very annoying after that length of time. Fact.

It's NU of him to say he doesn't want to go to the supermarket any more - that was an odd thing to do in the first place - but it is U of him to accuse you of 'hating motherhood' on the basis that you find your kids annoying after an 11-hour day dealing with them.

i dont find my kids annoying after being with them all day and i am with them all day everyday 7 days a week,if i found them annoying then i wouldnt of gone on to have 3 and 4 and still want more.I know thats not usual(which i find sad)but i do know others who are the same as me,maybe its down to the way you do things?(im not saying they dont ever annoy me but i wouldnt say its every day!)

What exactly is it that you find hard?finding solutions to make life easier would also be helpful i think.

For example,for the amount of money your dh spends on taking them t the cafe every night you could probably afford a cleaner,would that help?
Do you take them out anywhere,do you see other mums?

I agree with other posters that the way to go would be your husband getting in and you both working as a team and getting the kids bathed and to bed for a decent time,say 8 o clock if he doesnt get in til 7,and then both having time to relax and spend time together.

Also im not sure if you would want to but at 2 and a half some kids go to nursery a few times a week,could you afford a couple of afternoons?

How about you go out? I often take the dog out for 40 minutes or so, the exercise combined with fresh air means I come home much happier

Both the OP and her h should stop feeling sorry for themselves and resenting their lives, and start feeling grateful or everything they have rather than endlessly and pointlessly comparing their daily routine .

Put the kids to bed earlier, stop being 'Over wrought SAHM ' And 'overworked tech geek manager' and become yourselves .

You're not victims in all this, grow up and stop bickering.

If you had a part time job it's irrelevant whether he thinks his job is harder - what's important is that it gives you a break from the children and some time to yourself.
You need to agree that both of you find aspects of what you do in the day difficult and find a solution for you both. Start with small things. I would suggest an earlier bedtime to give you both more time together in the evening - even just by half an hour, by 8.30, there's not much time left for yourself. I know you said you're not morning people, my dp isn't, he takes them downstairs,puts the tv on, and looks after them with one eye half shut on the sofa.whereupon they take advantage and eat all the biscuits
If you don't want to work, when does the oldest qualify for free nursery? How about putting them in with a childminder for a morning to give you a break?
You need to go out one saturday and leave him to it. Yes, it's not a full week day in day out, but trust me, with his attitude, one day will be enough.
So, small things that would help would be ;
He spends time with them while you make a cup of tea/ wash up/check emails/ go for walk, when he initially comes in.
Earlier bedtime to have more time to connect with each other in evening.
Take turns who gets up with the eldest, even if you are bf youngest one first thing.
Time out for yourself at the weekend. Step back a little from being the one who jumps up at the weekend, let him be the main 'go to' parent a bit more, if he isn't doing this already.
If you need stuff from the shops at the weekend, he takes them to give you half hour on your own, or you go on your own for some fresh air.
There are lots of good ideas in the posts on here, but unless you call a truce between you, stop trying to compete and start trying out soloutions to make you both feel better, it's not going to improve. How you do things needs to evolve constantly with children too,whilst it worked to have a later bedtime when they were smaller, now they are more active and full on in the day, you may need to change your ideas about what works.

He's much older than you isn't he OP? You desperately need a job, you cannot allow yourself to have no earning power. You will be in a very vulnerable position come five or ten years time. As for the supermarket thing, agree that is madness. How about you go for a twenty minute soak and then he brings the kids in to join you?

Sorry just realised who the op is. This thread will be like the others, op will be utterly negative about her situation, loads of good suggestions all ignored, no point suggesting nursery or a cleaner or anything really. Op will vanish, name change and post much the same in a few weeks.