to find the kids annoying when I've had them all day?

[BlackMaryJanes]

I'm a SAHM. DH leaves for work at 7am and arrives back home at 6pm. Up until recently DH would take the kids to the supermarket for an hour when he got home in every evening to give me a break. An absolute lifeline for me. Now, he doesn't want to do that anymore. During our argument I said to him that after having the kids all day, I find them annoying. To which he responded, "Do you hate motherhood that much?!"

So, AIBU to find them annoying after having them all day? Does this mean I 'hate motherhood'? By the end of the day I feel touched-out, exhausted, irritable and in need of some breathing space. The kids are 2.5 and 12 months. I'm still BFing the 12 month old.

[Pandemoniaa]

When I was a manager in the public sector there's no way I had time to take formal coffee breaks let alone an hour at lunchtime. It's fairly standard practice but at least your DH can get away by 6, OP, and doesn't have evening meetings.

I've also had experience of being married to someone who preferred to be competitive about who had had the most stressful or busy day. I wish I could offer a solution but I got divorced when our dcs were 6 and 5.

What I wish I had done, a lot earlier, was to disengage from the competition in the first place and keep repeating "We both work, it isn't a competition but don't forget that raising children is a 24 hour per day job. Which is why it has to be shared".

I can see why your dh wouldn't want to spend an hour in a supermarket every day too. But that doesn't mean he can't look after your dcs after he comes home from work. Just don't be tempted to take over at the first sign of discontent. Run a bath, read a book in it. Make yourself unavailable for an hour. That'd be a start. Although I also think evenings would be a lot more relaxing if your dcs went to bed earlier. Mine were fed, bathed and in bed by 7 at that age (as is my 2 year old dgd now).

[amirah85]

But OP does have the time to grab a drink etc?the husband is working thru all his breaks its no walk in the park is it?does the baby never naps?does the toddler never sits to watch tv,color or whatever?being home with the kids can be hard,but can't stand all the victim actitude.they go to bed at 8.30,can't OP have time alone then?disclaimers:I'm a SAHM,in a 2 bed flat. Not saying its always easy but it really isn't 24/7 like some people like to make it.

[charlottehere]

Annakin Posters ie me can joke about what they like, you may not like it or think its advisable but thats another thing. hicup

[nickelbabe]

amirah - my baby naps.

but i can't have a drink (unless it's this bottle of water that is always next to me) when she does nap, because she naps on me

in fact, right now, I'm bursting for a wee, but i can't move because if i do, the baby will wake. :(
i am absolutely desperate for a wee!!

[Lavenderhoney]

Op, I was in a similar situation than you a few years ago, mine are now 5 and 3. I also bf til 2yrs. my dh left at 9 and got back about midnight, still does. He supports us and I am a sahm.
I don't think you can ask him to take them out- what I would suggest is you might want to rethink your routine in the evening. When he gets home he could bathe them and do stories ? I assume they eat about 6? Then you can go for a walk or tidy up/ watch a bit of tv. If they make a noise its because they are having fun. If you think its too much, you could go to the cafe. Then it's bedtime at 7 giving you both some time.

The other thing is rethinking your daily routine to get out to a few toddler groups as letting them play whilst you chat and relax with a book ( keeping an eye) will be ok. A nice walk everyday about 3.30, after naps and after a snack will help get them off.

I found I had to update my routine to allow for their getting bigger and my needing to get out and about. There is also no harm in putting the tv on for 30mins for cbeebies and reading the paper.

At weekends he could take them for a walk or to feed the ducks. Staying at home is hard, but you can make it fun, and really, dc on bed and asleep by 7ish will really help you.

[LadyMetroland]

That 18 month age gap is a killer. I've been there. One positive is that it won't be this hard for much longer. Baby and toddler is v intense.

Once the toddler starts preschool it will become easier. Could you afford to pay for her to go earlier than 3? A lot of pre-schools will allow them the term before they turn 3. You'll also have to put her to bed earlier once you've got a school run to consider. Having a proper evening without kids is so valuable.

DH and I had similar competitive tiredness arguments. I think it's common when kids are so small. There isn't really a solution. Having a break is a luxury. You have both been working all day and both feel entitled to a break. I would just work at trying to get them in bed earlier with your DH helping (he do bath and pyjamas while you tidy up - at least that's kid-free time for you). Then you can enjoy an evening with no kids.

Like I've said - it will get better. I am about 8 months ahead of you. 3yr old at preschool for 4 hrs every day. 20 month old has pm nap giving me child-free time, and is also at an age where she can play by herself for short periods. Life getting a lot easie now.

[amirah85]

Am no saying there are no hard times,there may be some days when one doesn't nap,the other is in a bad mood etc...but generally?nickel,can't u normally go to toilet when babys's awake?bring him in with u or something?ukwim??

[IfNotNowThenWhen]

I agree. Get a job.Although Mr "never worked a day in your life" will probably still patronise you,
And FGS go out at the end of the day! Find a nice cafe, sit with a book for an hour, or call a friend, or go to the gym.
You should be the one leaving the house.

[charlottehere]

Annakin I wasn't suggesting mixing the baby and the wine together, that would just be odd and prehaps a bit bad for their skin.

[Dozer]

Would he be actively supportive of you getting a job? Or would it be a case of "you won't earn enough to cover childcare costs", "you will have to drop off / pick up / cover sickness as my job is essential"? Or even "the DC need you at home"?

[MarianneM]

YANBU!!!!

You DH is, massively!

I work, DH is SAHF and if I'm alone with them for 1/2 day sometimes at weekends I often find them annoying!

[gordyslovesheep]

personally I would work to get an earlier bed time routine - mine always did bath at 6pm , milk and story, bed at 7pm

we still do in the week - the eldest stay up an extra hour

as a lone parent i NEED a break in the evening

that may help you both get more of a break

[MarianneM]

And how dare he say to you "Do you hate motherhood that much?!"

I bet he couldn't cope at all with being a SAHP!

[MarianneM]

Sorry to keep posting, but the age of your children too...it's very trying to look after two little ones that age for such long days on your own!

The age gap between our DDs is the same, and when I was on maternity leave with DD2 (although my mother was around to help most days) I would often be waiting by the door for DH to come home

[BlackMaryJanes]

You see, leaving DH to be a 'SAHM' for 24 hours won't cut it. He needs to experience the relentless 24/7 slavery that we SAHMs experience every week for months on end. Which obviously, can't happen.

I feel like we're fucked :(

[PariahHairy]

What happens at the weekend? Getting a few hours alone in a chunk sometimes helps more than an hour a day. I know what you mean, it is mentally exhausting not getting a break from them. Your older one will be entitled to the free nursery place soon.

[Gomez]

OP you are not listening.

Lots of good ideas but you both need to try and find a solution.

That isn't him coming home 5days a week and taking the kids - cause that ain't fair either.

If you don't work together then you will be fucked.

[BlackMaryJanes]

Re: napping, they won't nap at the same time.

[BlackMaryJanes]

I agree. Get a job.Although Mr "never worked a day in your life" will probably still patronise you

I know. If I get a PT job, he will stay say "but you've never worked a FULL days work in your life", then if I get a FT job, he will say, "but you've never worked for 52k in your life"

I will never win :(

[BlackMaryJanes]

lol MarianneM thank you.

[LingDiLong]

You're not fucked but you both need to be a lot kinder to each other and a lot more empathetic. You are rightly angry that he doesn't 'get' how hard it is being home with young children and yet you don't seem to believe him when he says he works non stop without a break. Why should he believe how hard you work when you are unwilling to believe him?

I totally get your need to have a break but there are many, many different ways to have this AND for him to have a break too. And I don't think it's unfair of him to suggest he has a break sometimes actually. Working a long day then going straight into childcare mode sounds pretty shit actually - especially if it's night after night.

[BlackMaryJanes]

By the way folks, DH said that if he was alone with them all day, by 6pm he WOULDN'T find them annoying.