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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find the kids annoying when I've had them all day?

231 replies

BlackMaryJanes · 19/01/2013 14:12

I'm a SAHM. DH leaves for work at 7am and arrives back home at 6pm. Up until recently DH would take the kids to the supermarket for an hour when he got home in every evening to give me a break. An absolute lifeline for me. Now, he doesn't want to do that anymore. During our argument I said to him that after having the kids all day, I find them annoying. To which he responded, "Do you hate motherhood that much?!"

So, AIBU to find them annoying after having them all day? Does this mean I 'hate motherhood'? By the end of the day I feel touched-out, exhausted, irritable and in need of some breathing space. The kids are 2.5 and 12 months. I'm still BFing the 12 month old.

OP posts:
BooCanary · 19/01/2013 20:17

But what do you intend to DO about it OP?

Everyone agrees you have it hard. Most of us have been in the same situation, and it SUCKS! But you need to wrestle back some control, formulate a plan, and ensure you are neither a slave nor a martyr.

baremadness · 19/01/2013 20:17

Thinking things are hard and saying it is like slavery are 2 completely different things.

Being a sahm is HARD but it is a choice (in this case). She could get a job. She could get a hobby. She could learn to drive. She could take a bath while he had the kids. There are things they could do. It is a choice.

ChasedByBees · 19/01/2013 20:18

Do you have any family nearby that could help out - watch the kids while you have an hour just reading or something? I agree that getting him to help with the bedtime would be good. It shouldn't be work for him in a sense, it'll be the only time he spends with his children in the say so it could be good for all of them.

AyeOopMoose · 19/01/2013 20:20

OP I get you absolutely. I have a 2yr old and a 9mth old. It is relentless and tiring and you lose track of who you are. So on that front YANBU.

Like you, I used to think that DH should come in from work and give me a break. This caused lots of arguments and we were trapped in this cycle of saying awful things to each other and just weren't together. It was dire. Your DH sounds like he's said some awful things but is this "him" really or point scoring?

We decided to go to couple counseling as we were just going round in circles and not listening to each other. Having a 3rd party there has really helped us to listen and consider the other person's perspective. Could you try this?

I hadn't realised that DH felt huge pressure to support us all financially and then when he got home I was whining, for want of a better word, and he thought he couldn't win. He listened to how I felt about giving up my career and the resentment I felt even though I loved the DC completely. It wasn't rocket science but it helped us to view this stage as something we are in together.

FWIW we have agreed that it's not practical for DH to always be here to help everyday (leaving work earlier than 6 is frowned upon + a 45 min commute and the DC are all bathed and in bed by 7pm) but he does take over for half a day at weekends and the rest of the weekend we share things together.

DH is relieved that I'm not resentful everyday and I look forward to my half day!

I'm also going back to work pt as I need some mental stimulation. Could you consider childcare to do the same? (I'm still bf too but am hoping to cut down to just am and pm feed by the time I go back to work). Even just 2 half days a week could make a HUGE difference, if money isn't an issue do some volunteer work, anything where you can mix with adults.

BooCanary · 19/01/2013 20:20

Xpost Ling!

I don't think a job is the answer - as he will claim that his is harder

But OP, have a think what is the real issue here. Is it really about who has it the hardest? Him actually admitting you have it the hardest, doesn't actually make things any easier for you does it?

The real issue is how to make things easier for you, how to give you more personal time, and how to make you feel more in control of your destiny!

IfNotNowThenWhen · 19/01/2013 20:22

I don't think you are really listening OP, with respect.
He might complain his is harder. Tbh, if you dont have much work experience, you will have to start at a fairly low level, and his probably will be harder.
BUT, It will be a step on the path to a more balanced life for you.
One where you get to be around adults for a while, assess what you really want, and bring in some money of your own.
Now, stop focusing on the negative, and what your DH may or may not think, and think about what you want.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 19/01/2013 20:23

X post BooCanary!

MarianneM · 19/01/2013 20:24

This thread is a good reminder for me to always appreciate my DH's work at home when often I find myself complaining about untidiness etc!

Having been on maternity leave for a year with both DDs but now back at work I can say that working is MUCH easier than being a SAHP! Looking after children all day is relentless!

And OP, I think this comment from your DH is just terrible: "you've never worked a day in your life". Presumably that was his choice too that you staid at home?

mam29 - your post made me want to laugh and cry!

Gomez · 19/01/2013 20:24

Well maybe just maybe OP he is job may be harder. Or not but why assume that yours will be.

You are ignoring any reasonableness suggestion presented to you. We get it, you are pissed off.

But to describe the choices you have made as slavery is completely overstating the position, no grips needed thanks.

Also if you use the same terms with your DH then I am not surprised he asks if you hate motherhood because you sounds as you do. I hope that this attitude doesn't come through in your interaction with your children.

You don't like your current life so fecking change it - you can do that.

girliefriend · 19/01/2013 20:24

Yanbu to find the kids annoying by the end of the day but this is why most kids are in bed by 7pm!! So parents can calm their frazzled nerves and pour themselves a large Wine Grin

It sounds like you need to rethink your evening routine, get your husband to come in and do bath and bedtime while you take yourself off somewhere.

skullcandy · 19/01/2013 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KhallDrogo · 19/01/2013 20:39

Yet don't you go out when he gets home? Have toy got a bike? Are there buses? Do you have friends you could visit?

Yet don't you get a part time job to break up the monotony, which you are struggling with?

How are weekends, do you get a break then?

Your life is not harder than his...you are struggling with the drudgery

KhallDrogo · 19/01/2013 20:43

Yes, your 830pm bedtime is not working for you as a family. The kids need to be in bed earlier

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 19/01/2013 20:47

amirah85Sat 19-Jan-13 19:47:27 Wiley it was me.never said I was perfect,I make my mistakes and find my challenges in parenting like everyone.and I did say that its hard at times,but calling it a slavery!and finding your children annoying at the end of everyday day?that is something else.

Really? That sort of judgement from someone who had such a bad day that they smacked their child?! You think calling it slavery (which it can feel like sometimes) and being fed up at the end of the day is worse than that?!

TantrumsAndBalloons · 19/01/2013 20:52

I've got to say the bedtime might make a big difference.
If the DCs were in bed by 7pm you would have a few hours to yourself before bed.
Does that not sound like an acceptable compromise?

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 19/01/2013 20:55

Op. So what if he were to say that his job is harder than any part time job you can get? Would he actually say that though? Just out of the blue? What like "ah you're home, oh well you've got a piss easy job anyway"

Or do you mean who had the hardest job would come up in conversation? Because that's really weird. Is he, or you, naturally competitive? Because its strange to compare things like that. Its natural more when ones at home because the jobs are so different and its a large adjustment and often the one at work doesn't understand what the one at home does, but if you both have jobs why would you compare how hard they are?

Is he dismissive of the things you do?

I had an ex like that, if i did well at something he would say i did well because it was easy or that someone else had done it. Actually i had another ex who would sabotage me and my career. Ah the memories.

KhallDrogo · 19/01/2013 20:55

No fuckapoodle it really cant feel like slavery Hmm

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 19/01/2013 20:56

At that age i put mine to bed at 7.30 i think. Its crept up to 8 now they are a few years older.

What time do they get up in the morning?

fuckadoodlepoopoo · 19/01/2013 20:58

Really? So no one on here has ever thought "oh god i feel like a slave"?

Of course not a real actual slave with the terrible things that slaves endured, but then no one would think that was what i actually meant because that would make them thick as pig shit.

amirah85 · 19/01/2013 21:01

Are we having a my life is harder then yours competition as well?i had a hard day n smacked my dd,so?seen a problem ,came on here,looked for solutions.that what i had to do to solve my problem.good for u if u never had a bad day! op is not looking for solutions apparently just a lot of Poor you's.

TheCountessOlenska · 19/01/2013 21:02

Um - not sure what to advise but I work weekends in a shop and DH has DD. Yes we miss out on whole family days together at weekends but then again I get to earn my own money, drink coffee, go to the loo in peace, and have a lovely half hour lunch break Smile

Viviennemary · 19/01/2013 21:12

YANBU to want a break if you have been with small DC's all day. But I don't think it's reasonable to ask your DH to take them to the supermarket for an hour. Could you not just when he gets in make you both a cup of tea and then you disappear upstairs for say 45 mins. I don't think they need to leave the house.

GoldPlatedNineDoors · 19/01/2013 21:16

What does he do woth the kids on weekends?

Could be do the bath/bed routine?

KhallDrogo · 19/01/2013 21:23

Oh! Not an actual slave.....you mean the kind of slave who has a house and small children to look after, and a husband at work all day...that kind of slave. Fuck off

HollaAtMeBaby · 19/01/2013 21:33

Actually Nickelbabe I think my suggestion of dropping daytime BF for the 12mo may be helpful in this case given the OP's description of how frazzled and touched-out she feels at 6pm. It's not up to you to tell other people what advice to give Hmm but given your completely ridiculous earlier posts on this thread I can see why you'd take that attitude (not able to go for a poo? letting your child sleep on you so you can't make a cup of tea or go to the loo? really?).

Many women choose to stop BF before 2 years and don't need to be guilt-tripped by smug martyrs, particularly if they are already feeling exhausted and suffocated by the demands of mothering very young children. Everyone just does the best they can and the OP is clearly struggling with her current situation.

BlackMaryJanes, YANBU but I think you need to look for a part time job and stop trying to compete with your DH over whose life is more stressful. Never mind if he is dismissive of you working, you will have adult time out of the house and that will be the break you need.