to find the kids annoying when I've had them all day?

[BlackMaryJanes]

I'm a SAHM. DH leaves for work at 7am and arrives back home at 6pm. Up until recently DH would take the kids to the supermarket for an hour when he got home in every evening to give me a break. An absolute lifeline for me. Now, he doesn't want to do that anymore. During our argument I said to him that after having the kids all day, I find them annoying. To which he responded, "Do you hate motherhood that much?!"

So, AIBU to find them annoying after having them all day? Does this mean I 'hate motherhood'? By the end of the day I feel touched-out, exhausted, irritable and in need of some breathing space. The kids are 2.5 and 12 months. I'm still BFing the 12 month old.

I think your DH does not understand how mentally, physically and emotionally draining being at home with 2 young children actually is.

And maybe you don't understand how hard he works and the pressure that is on him.

It's not about who has it harder. But I think your DH needs to understand that being a SAHM is not a 9-5 job, it's relentless. Whereas he may have a hard day, at least it finishes at a certain time.
Your day doesn't have an end time does it? You can have the day from hell, with screaming, tantrums, mess and you can't think "oh well at least it's nearly finishing time"

If I were in your situation I would either a, bring bedtime forward. However, it seems bedtime suits you so then in that case I would agree with your DH that for 2 evenings a week he takes the DCs out for an hour. Doesn't have to be the supermarket, maybe a walk or a drive or visit friends/relatives. Then 2 evenings a week you could do the same. Go shopping, go for a walk, go to the gym.

And the final weekday evening you spend together. Do the bath/bed together etc.

Would that work?

Oh and just to add, please don't question yourself as a mother. I work full time simply because I could not be a SAHM to 3 DCs. I just couldn't do it.
I love my children with every single part of me and now they are teenagers it's less relentless monotony (but more drama) but I would have been a terrible SAHM.

Yes, it's been hard working full time and getting everything done, especially when they were small but the commute to and from work, with headphones and a book was blissfull. A full 27 minutes twice a day to just...sit.
And your DH gets this time. And you deserve it too.

Fecking iPad - excuse errors.

oh and I agree that being in the bedroom 2 meters from crying dcs is NOT a break.
(His travel to work, lunch time, coffee or tea break are all breaks though, however small they are)

Bedtime needs to be earlier. Much earlier, like 6.30.

Perfect timing for dh to do it :)

I agree with LadyBeagleEyes after rereading some of your posts, OP. What is your degree in? What's the job market in the field like? Could you freelance for a few hours from home and put the dc in nursery/with a cm a couple of mornings? Even if what you were earning only covered childcare at first?

I've been a FT WOHM with dh a SAHD, I've WOH PT while he's worked flexibly, largely from home (academic research), now he is FT in a very stressful and responsible job and I work PT, mainly from home, and freelance on the side. In my own experience, WOTH is - at least in some jobs - harder than SAH. It's not just the job itself. It's the constantly having to have your professional face on, perhaps dealing with workplace politics or working with people whose personalities you find difficult, being under pressure to achieve a certain quantity or level, the pressure of bringing in a vital income... SAH can be relentless and tough but you are, at least, on your own territory.

You sound pretty overwhelmed and I think you do need some balance in your life, in terms of getting away from the dc a bit, and (as I posted above) I don't like the sound of some of what your dh is saying, but I do feel a degree of sympathy for his position (not necess for him!) too.

Could you afford driving lessons? It would give you peace once a week. Once you passed you could use the car in the evenings or even get a 2nd/use his in the day to get out and about.

See commuting really isn't a break in my world; nor are these fictional lunch and coffee breaks referred to.

Well not any more than the 10 mins when child 1 is watching Cbeebies and Child 2 is feeding (and in my case when at home Child 3 is destroying something).

Or the 20 mins after walking home when they are both sleeping.

There are natural points in the day with small kids when things chill out; perhaps plan or schedule the day to get some peace then?

Will your DH still pitch in when home just isn't keen to take them out?

sometimes, the break of BFing is the only sane part of the day

I agree. The BF before bed is the only time I sit down.

What do you mean by that? Is he financially controlling?

He gives me an 'allowance' every month. It's quite reasonable.

This guy has no idea of what it means to look after 2 young children all day long. And because he doesn't he is just buying into the fantaisie that 'being at home with kids is easy'. 'If you don't like it, then you are have issues with motherhood/you don't love your dcs enough'.

That's exacti what's happening. So what can we do? Or are we fucked?

No, your not hating motherhood, just need a break - like others have said, he gets time when he drink hot tea, sit on the loo for 5 mins in peace, and gets a couple of different places / roles every day.

I think asking him to take over every night it quite hard going, and understand why you'd like him to take the kids out, but could you go out sometimes? Arrange a hair cut, manicure, wander round a shopping park that is open late, go to the gym / swimming / exercise class some nights?

Some nights he can go to the cafe, some nights he needs a break. Its really tough going isn't it? And the men just don't understand (well, mine started to when I went away with work for a week, and he got to do EVERYTHING!)

CBeebies is your saviour to try and get 15 mins (and this from the woman who's oldest didn't watch TV til his brother arrived!)

YANBU. I have a full time nanny and they still drive me to distraction. As today is Saturday and my nanny is off, and DH is away on a business trip, I have had all three of them (3, 2 and 10 months) all day on my own and I put them to bed at 6pm! 6! Just for a MOMENT'S PEACE.

Supermarket cafe maybe not great idea - can you pop round to a friend's house or even the local cafe for a hot choc and a magazine just to decompress of an evening whilst he starts bed time?

Guys, re: coffee breaks at work, DH says that, if he wants to get away by 6pm, he has to work through all his breaks. He says that the company (a big accountancy company) give too much work. Does this sound plausable? He's on 52k

Yes, it sounds very plausible. Big firms have a long hours culture. On that kind of salary you are expected to put in the graft, and that means no working 9-5.

That was a harsh thing for DH to say. I would and do feel touched out some days by the time DH gets in. I wouldn't want to go to the SM every night, seems a bit pointless. How about going upstairs for and hour, hot bath, lie on bed and watch the tv? Or in the summer DH can take them to the park.

I often don't get a lunch break, I'm in a meeting or just working through to meet a deadline.

Lunch is sometimes eaten in the car in between meetings or during a meeting.

I need to get finished in time to pick dd up from school, so if that means missing lunch that's what happens.

We don't have tea breaks, someone might make a round of drinks every so often or you grab one when you can.

Yanbu. When mine were that age it was me that'd go to the supermarket for an hour or so whilst dh would put them to bed. I know it seems a weird place to go for a break but just that bit of time - maybe a drink in the cafe - would clear my head a little.

he might have to work through all his breaks, but i bet he still has time to grab a drink, to go to the toilet etc.

grab the breaks where you can.

he still needs to give you a break from them in the evening.
he can have his break when they're in bed.

Or - if you do bring the bedtime forward to 8pm (it's only half an hour).
then you could do things like make dinner (can be a proper break if the kids aren't there with you) while he looks after the kids, then do the bedtime routine together (or let him do it)

make a schedule that you can bot hstick to.

do it tonight.

factor in:
him looking after the kids for at least an hour at least 4 times a week.
him doing a whole half-day with them at the weekend.
both of you having at least half an hour every single day to do what you want to do.
you having a whole hour to yourself at least 4 times a week.
you and him having time together at least 4 times a week (which is why it's handy to have an earlier bedtime - because even eating a meal with wine together without the kids is good for your relationship)

Maybe start couch to 5k? Then you'll have a timetable of escapes. I think your DH can wait till after bed for his wind down time.
My DH is very good at taking over when he gets in but this is only after he has been to the toilet, changed, had a drink... and 'prepared' to take over... this takes about 15 mins so is a 'mini break' could your DH do the same?

Oh I see you live in a small flat, so upstairs isnt going to happen unless your friendly with the people upstairs and bring wine

As another SAHM who today is at breaking point with looking after DCS I know what it can be like. I have had a meltdown and shouted at my very gobby 11 year old who yes is blood annoying at times and then cried because DH was taking too long fixing the lights nd the baby was cring. This soon will pass...........

I intend to drink wine for the next 18 years for breakfast

The couch potato to 5k is a good idea.

Its really easy to get competitive when you have very young children. Who has the crappiest day. Who is the most tired. Who works the hardest.

You both need a break. You both need to work out how you can get time off for fun. You need time on your own, and time off as a couple (often easier said than done) for hobbies, relaxation and fun.

Being a Sahm is hard for lots if people. I suspect your dp might need to spend a whole 24 hours doing your job to realise this. My dh did

Once you have sorted time off for both if you, you might think about doing more outside the home. Driving lessons? Freelance? Write a book? Take up knitting?

It will get easier. Just try and make a plan.

It does sound like a lot of competitive tiredness going on there. No I don't think your fucked. You both need to find a way to have a bit of space. DH leaves at 6.45 and gets back at 7, he mostly doesn't have lunch breaks. He watchs programmes ha has downloaded on the train for a bit of a break and goes for a quick drink after work on a friday. I am currently mumsnetting in bed and know i need to make more time for myself. So hard.