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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it rude to ask people to pay for themselves?

118 replies

MamaBear17 · 19/01/2013 11:49

I have a 'big birthday' coming up, as does hubby 6 months later. Hubby has his heart set on having a big party. We can not afford to throw two parties and our birthdays are so far apart that hubby isnt keen on having a joint one. I have never had a proper birthday celebration or party (except the 'jelly and ice cream parties' when I was little) and I really want to do something to mark the occasion. I have found a lovely restaurant that does a set three course menu for 'special occasions' for £12. Alternatively I could choose a two course menu for £10 and serve birthday cake as pudding. The evening menu seems much more expensive so I thought this was a bargain, considering how lovely the restaurant is. It is family friendly so everyone could bring their kids and we would use the private room so it would just be us. However, I have a nagging doubt in the back of my mind that inviting people and asking them to pay for themselves is wrong. I dont' know why I feel like this, in the last two weeks I have paid £40 for a hen night and been invited to another friends 'birthday weekend away' at a cost of £80 (although I cant go because its too expensive). So, as I know that the ladies on here will be brutally honest, is it unreasonable for me to invite people to a birthday lunch and expect them to pay for themselves?

OP posts:

greenplastictrees · 19/01/2013 11:51

That sounds lovely. People don't mind paying in my opinion and in fact my circle of friends and family would expect to pay. Happy birthday!

FredFredGeorge · 19/01/2013 11:52

Depends on how you ask... your friends, how wealthy you all are etc. etc.

But no, in most groups it's completely fine to invite people to celebrate your birthday at a dinner where they have to pay themselves.

Cybbo · 19/01/2013 11:52

I don't think it's usual for the host to treat everyone! Most celebration dinners I've been to, we've paid for ourselves

Ilovesunflowers · 19/01/2013 11:53

YANBU. I would expect to pay my own way at a friend's birthday meal. It doesn't sound too expensive.

coldcupoftea · 19/01/2013 11:54

Wouldn't bother me- if it was a party, ie you hired out a hall, provided a buffet etc then I wouldn't really expect to pay, but for a meal in a restaurant I would assume everyone paid for themselves anyway.

beamme · 19/01/2013 11:54

I would always expect to pay if going to a restaurant for someones birthday. £12 is an absolute bargain aswell. Have a lovely birthday.

ChocHobNob · 19/01/2013 11:55

YANBU. We go out for a meal for most adult family member's birthdays and pay for our own meals. I wouldn't expect anyone to pay for all of those who went. It would be ridiculously expensive.

SallyStudioIsMyFriend · 19/01/2013 11:55

I am more interested in why you have not mentioned any negotiations about who gets the big party, you or your DH.

I would not mind paying btw but please then don't expect too much o a present, which means potentially, if all your mates are as tight as me, you would miss out twice - no party and maybe not nice a present.

ApocalypseThen · 19/01/2013 11:55

I wouldn't expect the birthday girl to pay. If your husband was doing invitations, there might be some confusion, but if you do it I think everyone would know what to expect. Particularly if you mention the menu you chose "on the basis that it should be affordable for everyone".

Littlemissexpecting · 19/01/2013 11:56

If its a meal rather than a party buffet I don't see why guests shouldn't pay. Maybe put on the invite that you don't expect presents if you are worried?
If you are doing cake as pudding maybe you could do a deal with restaurant by buying a few bottles of bubbly to toast with?

DeWe · 19/01/2013 11:56

As long as it's clear on the invite in case of confusion. I don't think anyone would mind at all. I'd expect to pay myself anyway.

Sweetchillie · 19/01/2013 11:56

Having to pay for hen party/ weekend away is different, I think if you are inviting people out for a meal they might assume your paying... What I would do is put a menu with prices on it In the Invite so your guests won't expect a free meal. The menu sounds v reasonable and I wouldn't mind if I had to pay for myself I'd just be happy to celebrate the birthday with you. Just make sure it's clear your not paying otherwise u could get caught with big bill!x

DuchessFanny · 19/01/2013 11:57

I would be happy to pay my own way. I've been to lots of lovely brunches/ lunches for friends birthdays, it's a great way to celebrate together and a tenner is definitely reasonable
Have a lovely time !

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 19/01/2013 11:57

You will get strong opinions saying 'Yes it's fine' and 'No it's not' - the thing is, only YOU know YOUR friends and family.

Among my circle of friends it is the 'done thing' - we all just pay for ourselves no matter whose birthday it is. None of us can afford to pay for everyone and all want to go out to celebrate each others birthdays. I know it works out the same if you all go each time etc, but it varies who can make it and who can't - so it's better to do it this way.

My parents circle, however, all pay for the meal when it's their birthday - but it's the same group and they all do it - so it evens out at the end of the day.

Some will say you shouldn't if you can't afford to pay for it - but I don't see why you shouldn't still celebrate your birthday!

Do it, have fun :)

drinkyourmilk · 19/01/2013 11:57

If I go to a party at someones house then I always ask what I can.bring, and I turn up with a bottle or two. I would find it odd to make a financial contribution (though I would do it).

If I go out to celebrate at a restaurant etc then I fully expect to pay. Yanbu. Hope you have a wonderful time.

chipsandpeas · 19/01/2013 11:58

i wouldnt turn up to a birthday meal/lunch and expect for it to be paid for me

fadingblonde · 19/01/2013 11:58

YANBU. I was invited to an engagement party in a restaurant and we all paid for ourselves - well apart from those who left early before the bill arrived but that's another story!

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 19/01/2013 11:59

I don't think its unreasonable as long as you make it clear when you invite them that they have to pay for themselves, then they can decide if they can afford to come or not.

I've also got a big birthday this year and have decided to hire a castle for dinner, I've had a really horrible year and want to do something nice to thank everyone for being there for me and as a sort of ending to one year and a start to a hopefully better new year, money is tight though so I am paying for the venue and dinner for 20 of my close friends and family my mum iss contributing instead of buying a gift but there will be a cash bar as I couldn't stretch to paying for alcohol, I do feel cheeky but everyone is happy with the arrangement.

sillymillyb · 19/01/2013 11:59

I've just done something similar for my birthday, and my lovely friends not only paid for themselves, but they covered my share too.

jamdonut · 19/01/2013 12:00

My daughter had a 16th birthday dinner and all her friends paid for themselves. It seems to be the done thing in her circle of friends at the moment.

As long as everyone knows its pay for yourself,what is the problem. They either come or they don't. Seems fairly obvious to me.

Catsdontcare · 19/01/2013 12:00

I'm also interested as to why your husbands desire for a big party trumps your?

LRDtheFeministDragon · 19/01/2013 12:00

YANBU, it wouldn't occur to me that the birthday person would pay!

If you are lucky they may whip-round and cover you, too.

Original poster

MamaBear17 · 19/01/2013 12:02

Its a three course meal. I was thinking of providing a welcome drink of some sort, and colouring books for the kids to keep them entertained. Im not fussed about presents and we tend not to buy for each other anyway because we all have kids. Hubby has already said he will 'cover my meal' being the gentleman that he is! Haven't negotiated with the hubby on the party. Not sure why, he said he'd like a party, I am happy to do something smaller. As long as I get to do something I dont mind really. Thanks all.

OP posts:

DumSpiroSpero · 19/01/2013 12:02

It's fine. The wife of DH's friend organised something like this for his 40th a few years ago. She sent out invitations well in advance with the menu and cost and requesting a deposit of £5 per head by a set date.

There were about 50 people there, one of who not only paid for his own meal, but flew over from Australia (albeit not specifically for the meal, but timed it so he could come).

alwaysawake · 19/01/2013 12:02

Absolutely fine imo, probably good to forewarn people in the invites that they're expected to pay just to avoid uncertainty but if I was invited to a do in a restaurant I'd be very surprised not to have to pay, but would REALLY appreciate the info about cost beforehand (and £10-£12 is brilliant).

Am another one tho that's wondering why your DH automatically gets the big party when it sounds like you really want one too. Could you not split the budget and have a low budget but still big party for each of you? To afford two you could ask people to bring food/ a bottle for each one or ask family/ close friends who'd understand for money towards that person's party instead of presents?

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