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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it rude to ask people to pay for themselves?

118 replies

MamaBear17 · 19/01/2013 11:49

I have a 'big birthday' coming up, as does hubby 6 months later. Hubby has his heart set on having a big party. We can not afford to throw two parties and our birthdays are so far apart that hubby isnt keen on having a joint one. I have never had a proper birthday celebration or party (except the 'jelly and ice cream parties' when I was little) and I really want to do something to mark the occasion. I have found a lovely restaurant that does a set three course menu for 'special occasions' for £12. Alternatively I could choose a two course menu for £10 and serve birthday cake as pudding. The evening menu seems much more expensive so I thought this was a bargain, considering how lovely the restaurant is. It is family friendly so everyone could bring their kids and we would use the private room so it would just be us. However, I have a nagging doubt in the back of my mind that inviting people and asking them to pay for themselves is wrong. I dont' know why I feel like this, in the last two weeks I have paid £40 for a hen night and been invited to another friends 'birthday weekend away' at a cost of £80 (although I cant go because its too expensive). So, as I know that the ladies on here will be brutally honest, is it unreasonable for me to invite people to a birthday lunch and expect them to pay for themselves?

OP posts:

PickledInAPearTree · 19/01/2013 15:19

I would never expect anyone to pay for my meal in a restaurant for their birthday.

Never in a million years!

Always paid for myself. If anything we've chipped in for the birthday person.

Mia4 · 19/01/2013 15:21

That's not unreasonable at all, you're inviting them to join you for dinner-not having them over for dinner. To be honest, I understand buying yourself if it's a party or something but my friends and I always pay for 'the birthday person' on their night out or meal-unless we've all been doing something really expensive like a weekend away or something.

acsec · 19/01/2013 15:23

If anything, people may split your bill between them as it's your birthday - that's what my lot do.

AgentProvocateur · 19/01/2013 15:27

I'm in a minority, I see, but if I was being invited out for a meal to celebrate a special birthday, I wouldn't expect to pay. I'd also expect to pick up the tab for the whole group if it was my or DH's birthday.

It's different if it's a group of friends going out for a meal for no particular occasion where we'd all pay a share.

As others have said, I'm sure it will be fine if people know in advance that they are expected to pay

FeistyLass · 19/01/2013 15:36

YANBU and I'm sure your friends would much rather pay than miss the chance to celebrate with you. Enjoy your birthday!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/01/2013 15:53

Agree with Journey; it's a bit odd to 'invite' people as you're not actually hosting anything. The 'invitation' is the sticking word - don't use it.

The 'girls night out' analogy is a good one as is the 'my turn to be birthday girl'... make it clear that it's not an invite because it's not.

There's nothing wrong with suggesting that everybody goes to a restaurant on your birthday but not FOR your birthday. I would also be a bit concerned, from Hecate's post, that whilst you might think including a menu is clear, for some people it won't be and you could well end up with the bill. Splitting the bill will also be a nightmare-in-waiting unless you gather up all the money beforehand... but then, it's akin to a 'work do' with someone being treasurer.

Personally, I would host an invitation. There's no way that you can say 'presents not expected' in an unclumsy way either.

AThingInYourLife · 19/01/2013 15:58

Why is your husband being such a dick about this?

You can only afford one party, so he is going to make sure it's his and won't have a joint one?

And instead you get a poxy meal in a restaurant where you have to ask your guests to pay for themselves?

scottishmummy · 19/01/2013 16:06

some of you have very onerous and concrete notions of manners
imo,this seems to be about a strangled form of etiquette,who is host,who pays
she's not hosting a formal do,it's an informal birthday bash at £12per head

ifancyashandy · 19/01/2013 16:15

I did this for my 40th AND said no kids (except babes in arms) AND it was Sunday lunch AND it was about £40 per head .

But.... I put on the invite that I totally understood if the cost made people decline the invite but I was paying for all booze (& considering 'lunch' went on till 10pm, that was a hefty bar bill!). I also did champagne on arrival then 4 red & 4 white on each table of ten and then replenished as the afternoon went on. I believe there were cocktails but don't quote me in that .

Only 2 people didn't come out of thirty invites (and one because she'd just given birth). No-one complained and since they stayed till closing, I can only assume people had a good time and didn't mind the cost.

Yours sounds lovely. Go for it!

Corriewatcher · 19/01/2013 16:21

I agree that it seems to be the norm for guests to pay for their meal. Maybe you could buy a round of drinks on arrival? Don't think there's any pressure to do so, but if it makes you feel better...

AThingInYourLife · 19/01/2013 16:24

I think it's really shit that there's money there to throw a party but the OP has to ask her friends to pay for their dinners.

If your DH "isn't keen" on a joint party, just tell him that he's free to arrange his own celebrations, but that you will be throwing a big party this year and it can either be for both of you, or just for you.

28Lucy28 · 19/01/2013 16:27

My husbands landmark birthday is coming up. We're going for the set meal option in a restaurant. How would you word an invite to say you're going to cover drinks?

Imnotaslimjim · 19/01/2013 16:30

I did this for my 30th, and worded the invite something along the lines of

"My lovely DH is taking me to X restaurant for my 30th. If you'd like to join us it is £y a head plus drinks. Please let me know if you can afford t ojoin us so I can book the table"

Then there was no confusion as to who was paying from the outset. I wouldn't be bothered about paying for myself at someone elses birthday dinner

scottishmummy · 19/01/2013 16:34

lucy28 I would say
dear all, can you believe it dh is a young looking Xxyears old. We will be going for dinner at x venue on x date x time. I have attached details of travel,venue and menu. There will be a set menu at £x cost per person, we will pay the wine, beverages bill. the food is delicious, it's great restaurant. look forward to seeing you please let us know if you can attend

ifancyashandy · 19/01/2013 16:35

"whilst I would love to be in a position to cover all expenses, I'm afraid I've yet to win the lottery! I have organised a set menu (with choices) which comes to £40 per head for three courses. All drinks (alcoholic and non-alcoholic) will be paid for. It would be lovely if you were able to come and celebrate with me but I will of course understand if you are unable to attend for any reason*.

And of course, given the cost of the lunch, please don't feel that a gift is required."

*the 'any reason' gave people the option of saying it wasn't convenient without mentioning costs - if that was their reason.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/01/2013 16:39

AThingInYourLife... agree totally with that and I cringed at OP's post that her 'gentlemanly DH had agreed to cover the cost of her meal'. £12... wow. Chivalry is not dead.

It's off the point of the thread a little but yes, whatever pot of money there is should be used for both partners.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/01/2013 16:42

A 'gift' isn't required though, it's a convention, tradition, etc., Ifancyashandy. I'd find that really crass, sorry. It's right up there with the grabby wedding money poems.

If I wanted people to come to a restaurant when I was going - and I wasn't intending to pay for them - I'd ring them/see them and explain. I wouldn't send out an 'invite', treating the event as something it clearly isn't.

AThingInYourLife · 19/01/2013 16:43

Yes, Lying, that made me cringe too.

KindleMum · 19/01/2013 16:44

I think you've pitched the cost at the right level, (and I like ifancyashandy's wording) but, like others, I don't get why you're not the one having the party if having a proper birthday party is something you feel you've missed out on and want.

28Lucy28 · 19/01/2013 16:45

Thank you Scottishmummy and candy!

AThingInYourLife · 19/01/2013 16:46

I agree, don't send out an invitation for a meal you are not planning to host.

It's confusing.

ifancyashandy · 19/01/2013 16:47

lying well, nobody brought gifts so it seemed to work. . My friends know me and understood my sentiment.

shrimponastick · 19/01/2013 16:52

Agree with most of the other posters - invite your family and friends, but do it so that the wording implies that they are paying for their own meals.

Most family events I have been to the host has paid for all, but they are for special birthdays/anniversaries and the hosts had put money aside for the event.

On the flip side I once went to a wedding where guests had to pay for their own meals. That seemed a bit odd.

catgirl1976 · 19/01/2013 16:58

Can you mention when you invite people "It's x per head, is that ok with you budget-wise?"

That way it's clear they are paying but its not been said in a rude way

I wouldn't mind at all. And my friends never let the birthday person pay for theirs either.

jamdonut · 19/01/2013 17:04

I don't see why it is difficult to sort out paying on the night. If fourteen 15-16 year olds can do it without any problem, a bunch of adults should be able to manage!

(I and my husband and youngest son were at the venue ,because the pub asked that an adult be on the premises for them...but we sat well away from them and left them to it and had our own meal! The manager seemed impressed with them as they were leaving)

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