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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it rude to ask people to pay for themselves?

118 replies

MamaBear17 · 19/01/2013 11:49

I have a 'big birthday' coming up, as does hubby 6 months later. Hubby has his heart set on having a big party. We can not afford to throw two parties and our birthdays are so far apart that hubby isnt keen on having a joint one. I have never had a proper birthday celebration or party (except the 'jelly and ice cream parties' when I was little) and I really want to do something to mark the occasion. I have found a lovely restaurant that does a set three course menu for 'special occasions' for £12. Alternatively I could choose a two course menu for £10 and serve birthday cake as pudding. The evening menu seems much more expensive so I thought this was a bargain, considering how lovely the restaurant is. It is family friendly so everyone could bring their kids and we would use the private room so it would just be us. However, I have a nagging doubt in the back of my mind that inviting people and asking them to pay for themselves is wrong. I dont' know why I feel like this, in the last two weeks I have paid £40 for a hen night and been invited to another friends 'birthday weekend away' at a cost of £80 (although I cant go because its too expensive). So, as I know that the ladies on here will be brutally honest, is it unreasonable for me to invite people to a birthday lunch and expect them to pay for themselves?

OP posts:

Greenkit · 19/01/2013 12:04

I would be happy to pay and it sounds really reasonable

So when do you want me

alwaysawake · 19/01/2013 12:04

Sorry, x-posted a bit!

EuphemiaLennox · 19/01/2013 12:06

I think it depends on how you word, or present, this to friends:

If you say, we are going out for a meal for my birthday would you like to come along and join us? Is subtly different from:

Sending outformal invites to a 'party' where some may assume you are hosting and therefore paying.

It is a subtle differnce but I think sets up different expectations.

badguider · 19/01/2013 12:07

If somebody said 'come to my birthday party' then is probably bring a present but not my wallet.
Whereas if somebody said 'We're going out for a meal at x fort birthday, would you like to come' then I would bring my wallet and expect to pay.

AmberLeaf · 19/01/2013 12:10

If you had a party you would provide food and drink for your guests [although lots of parties are on a bring a bottle basis]

Meals out seem more common than parties or 'dos' these days though, quite possibly because its something that can be out together by the host but everyone shares the expense,

As long as you are clear on the invites it should be ok.

I was invited to a christening once though that was to be followed by a meal in a restaurant that guests had to pay for, I declined.

The usual thing is that your guests attend, bring a gift and their company and in exchange you feed and water them.

AmberLeaf · 19/01/2013 12:11

agree with badguider, dont word it as a birthday party!

Iamsparklyknickers · 19/01/2013 12:12

dumspiro posted exactly what I thought when I read the op.

If it's a large booking they will probably want a deposit so I would include a copy of the set menu and a deadline for deposit money.

It's a subtleish way of letting people know they're paying. Tbh it's completely the norm to pay for your own at a meal celebration. My personal rule of thumb is if it's a buffett in a hall or room or they've hired some sort of entertainment you don't pay for food. So christenings and weddings i suppose.

DoItToJulia · 19/01/2013 12:14

I have never been to a restaurant to celebrate a friends birthday and expected them to pay!

peacefuleasyfeeling · 19/01/2013 12:17

This is exactly how it's done in my circle of friends, or "bring-a-dish" kind of parties, nice and homely and relaxed (and cheap too). As people further up have suggested, tell your friends you will be celebrating your birthday at such and such a place and time and how lovely it would be if they would join you. Do however have a think about sorting out the bill afterwards, and don't be caught out by misunderstandings at 'the other end' (there are loads of threads on here about bill splitting turned nasty). Someone might pick something other than the set menue, perhaps on account of allergies or simply preference, someone else might drink alcohol while others don't, some might account for a standard tip when making their contribution while others forget, and this can make a big difference to how the actual bill differs from the expected one. Have a lovely birthday!

DumSpiroSpero · 19/01/2013 12:22

I would probably email my friends first along the lines of:

"Hi, I'm thinking of organising a meal out for my birthday this year - looking at X restaurant which does a set menu for £12 (link) - can you let me know if you're up for it by (date) and I'll book and send you the details of time, deposit etc."

I'm sure they will let you go in early if you want to put some decorations up and personalise it a bit too.

Ragwort · 19/01/2013 12:24

Personally I would much prefer a 'pot luck' type party as peace suggests. You will need to make it very, very clear if people have to pay for themselves, and although £12 per head is good value, if you are paying for a few children, drinks etc it will all mount up. Also, make it clear you are not expecting a present at well.

I used to go to 'celebration nights out' where we all paid for ourselves when I was working & child free but. in my circle anyway, the norm would be to do something simple at home, that everyone contributes to.

I think you need to be more than subtle about letting people know they are expected to pay for themselves; but as others have said, it all depends what is usual in your group of family/friends. .

BlackAffronted · 19/01/2013 12:26

Id be very happy to pay £12 for a lovely meal ut for a friends birthday :) its thingsthat are £50 I think are rude.

Original poster

MamaBear17 · 19/01/2013 12:28

It would be mainly for family and it is quite usual for us all to go out to for birthday meals and pay for ourselves. It is just that the other family members who have already had this 'big birthday' threw a party. I cant do a party at home because my house is tiny and we wouldn't fit everyone in. I thought a lunch rather than a dinner might be better because we all have under twos. I think I will send a menu out with a date regarding deposits etcs in advance as others have suggested. Thank you all for helping, hubby thinks I am overthinking it so it is nice to have some reassurances from other people.

OP posts:

Corygal · 19/01/2013 12:29

Not rude at all - as long as you warn them about the cost and don't strop if they can't afford it.

MummytoKatie · 19/01/2013 12:29

I have never been to a restaurant meal out for a birthday and not paid for the meal. Very occassionally the birthday person pays for the drink or something but generally we all pay our share.

Agree with the others - put it as "we thought we'd go out for a meal for my birthday. Would you like to join us?"

If it is going to be a lot of people sending the menu out in advance and asking for a deposit and choices will make it a lot simpler on the day.

maddening · 19/01/2013 12:29

Whenever I have gone to friends' bday meals I have paid and expected to do so.

A party in a hotel or at someone's house with a buffet for example I would expect the food to be provided.

I obviously don't travel in circles of very rich people - you pay for other people's celebrations so I would imagine they wouldn't be expecting you to pay for them either.

Thumbwitch · 19/01/2013 12:31

I agree with pretty much everyone else! So long as you word the invitation properly, it won't be a problem and you've chosen a modestly priced place anyway.

I have been to a birthday meal out where the birthday girl paid for everyone but it was a helluva shock when she did! It's not the norm, that's for sure, not in my circle of friends and acquaintance, anyway.

marriedinwhite · 19/01/2013 12:32

I thnk it's fine providing everyone knows they are paying. TBF i would be inclined to provide the table wine.

MathsCat · 19/01/2013 12:39

It would never occur to me NOT to pay for myself when going out for a meal, for someone's birthday or otherwise. Unless with my parents, but they're still youngish (under 60) and both work in professional jobs so it's not like we're stealing their pensions (they're a lot better off than us and I fully expect roles to be reversed at some point - they wouldn't let us pay at the moment anyway!)

HecateWhoopass · 19/01/2013 12:43

I think as long as you are clear about it in advance. You'd think that people would assume they were paying for themselves - but you can't assume that they will assume that

It would be awful if it came to paying the bill and people had assumed they were being paid for.

mind you, that said, my husband threw a surprise party for me for my 30th. In an indian restaurant.

Apparently everyone knew the bill was being split.

But when it came to paying, somehow, about half of them just didn't. and my husband ended up paying about £300.

So clearly something went wrong in the communication department somewhere

So perhaps it might be wise to make absolutely sure!

PureQuintessence · 19/01/2013 12:46

Why does your husband get a big party, and not you?

Why does he not want to share?

The latest BIG birthday party I went to was joint. Nothing wrong with that as long as you celebrate in the same year.

beals692 · 19/01/2013 12:56

It seems to really vary between different areas/groups of people on what the usual etiquette is for birthday meals. Among my group of friends, it is normal that everyone pays for their own meal (or just splits the bill - which I guess is another discussion point for another thread!). However, I remember my mum (who lives in a different area) talking about someone fairly new to the area inviting a group of people out for a birthday meal and there being an awkward moment where they all thought she was going to pay for the meal and I think they all thought it wasn't the 'done thing' to expect everyone to pay for their meals when she had invited them to celebrate her birthday. In terms of what is the norm among your group of friends, you can probably assess this for yourself based on what has happened for other friends' birthdays but I think as long as you are clear upfront about what the arrangement is, then there shouldn't be any problems.

NotSoNervous · 19/01/2013 13:01

If I got invited to a birthday meal I wouldn't think for a second that someone else would pay for me

cloudpuff · 19/01/2013 13:18

Every birthday meal we have been invited too we have always paid for ourselves, both with my family or dhs family. I would just assume on any such invite that wew ould be paying for our own.

scottishmummy · 19/01/2013 13:35

id expect to pay my own, and chip in to pay for birthday girl too
on no account get stressed bout own birthday
when we go out at birthdays we get own meal,and birthday person too

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