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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it rude to ask people to pay for themselves?

118 replies

MamaBear17 · 19/01/2013 11:49

I have a 'big birthday' coming up, as does hubby 6 months later. Hubby has his heart set on having a big party. We can not afford to throw two parties and our birthdays are so far apart that hubby isnt keen on having a joint one. I have never had a proper birthday celebration or party (except the 'jelly and ice cream parties' when I was little) and I really want to do something to mark the occasion. I have found a lovely restaurant that does a set three course menu for 'special occasions' for £12. Alternatively I could choose a two course menu for £10 and serve birthday cake as pudding. The evening menu seems much more expensive so I thought this was a bargain, considering how lovely the restaurant is. It is family friendly so everyone could bring their kids and we would use the private room so it would just be us. However, I have a nagging doubt in the back of my mind that inviting people and asking them to pay for themselves is wrong. I dont' know why I feel like this, in the last two weeks I have paid £40 for a hen night and been invited to another friends 'birthday weekend away' at a cost of £80 (although I cant go because its too expensive). So, as I know that the ladies on here will be brutally honest, is it unreasonable for me to invite people to a birthday lunch and expect them to pay for themselves?

OP posts:

SPBInDisguise · 19/01/2013 17:08

It's just an excuse for a celebratory evening out isn't it? It's absolutely fine!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/01/2013 17:10

Ifancyashandy... I think you've nailed it there - your friends know you. All things run smoothly when people know you well, there are no surprises and everybody's expectations are managed.

I didn't mean to sound dismissive, it's just that in my experience, people who would buy a gift anyway would think it odd and those who wouldn't, might find it jarring.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/01/2013 17:12

jamdonut... A group of friends? Of course there wouldn't be a problem, why would there? It's not really the same is it? I think it's vastly different when you put friends, families and friends with famlies attending, into the mix.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/01/2013 17:15

I've been thinking about this and wondering why it can be a little fraught in terms of 'hosting'. The conclusion I came to is that, for the most part, if not hosting EVERYTHING, the hosts will provide the food - and guests will arrange their own alcohol.

OP's event seems to be the other way around - that's why the insruction needs to be crystal clear and the only wording I think is clear enough to avoid any doubt is Catgirl1976's.

Chewbecca · 19/01/2013 17:19

I DID pay for a meal out for about 20 friends for DH's 50th this year and no one was expecting it to be paid for, they expected to pay themselves. I agreed the menu and drinks with the restaurant beforehand so we knew roughly what the bill would be and figured it was barely more than a party would've cost so decided to go for it. He doesn't usually celebrate birthdays so figured once every 10years it would be nice.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 19/01/2013 17:45

I agree with scottishmummy, antiquated notions of etiquette seem to stop people going ahead with perfectly a sensible idea.

As a family I'd happily go along to the gathering the OP suggests and would probably prefer to going to someones home.

It is a good idea to specify no presents. I must be a social oaf as I would like that to be spelt out to me so I know where I stand.

Original poster

MamaBear17 · 19/01/2013 18:36

Firstly, thanks to all for your responses. I am not going to do an official invite since it isn't a party, so instead will probably send a text to all people id like to come with something along the lines of 'I am going out for a celebratory lunch for my 30th birthday at this restaurant on this day and at this time. It would be lovely if you could join us, the menu is priced at £12 per head plus drinks, please let me know if you would like to come and I will forward you a menu.'

I absolutely will not get snotty at anyone who declined - I just wanted to ask people on here because I would be gutted (with myself) if people didnt come because my initial request was unreasonable. I think the reason I am so worried is because I got married a few years ago at New Year. I wanted to do a cocktail master class for my hen night at £25 per person and one of my friends mentioned to me that she thought I was being a little selfish expecting people to fork out £25 plus drinks on a night out so close to Christmas. I was mortified. I hadn't thought of it in that way and instead decided to do a pyjama party at home. I bought loads of face packs and wine and had a mini pamper session at home (costing the hens just a bottle of wine) but then a couple of people said afterwards that it was a little boring for a hen party and we should have done a bar crawl instead. It was my own fault, I went from one extreme to the other because I was so worried about offending people. Hence me wanting to ask your opinions on my birthday plans because I do not want to upset anyone.

In defence of my husband; he mentioned a little while ago that he would like to have a party for his 30th (he has never had a proper 'grown up' party either). It got me thinking about doing something special for my own birthday. We briefly discussed a joint party but he didn't want to celebrate his birthday 3 months early (if we chose a central date between the two) and I didn't want to celebrate my birthday on his birthday 6 months after mine (on his birthday). I am happy to choose to do something different. A party seems to mean a little more to my hubby, but if I asked him to have a meal on his birthday and use our money to pay for a big party for me he would. The 'gentlemanly' comment was a joke; I just wanted to make it clear that I wasn't expecting other people to pay for me. Thanks again.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/01/2013 18:54

Hi OP... I'm glad you clarified about your husband's views; it came over a little bit differently in your earlier post. Enjoy your birthday, however you do it.

Thumbwitch · 20/01/2013 03:05

I still think there's room for misinterpretation in your wording, Mamabear - just because you're telling them the cost doesn't mean they'll automatically understand they're supposed to pay it themselves. It just needs a little tweak I think, along the lines of what Catgirl said, just to be absolutely clear. :)

whois · 20/01/2013 10:03

Not U at all.

Invite and say "we've arranged the lunch menu which is £12 for 3 courses" or whatever.

I would pay for some wine for the table tho. And serve birthday cake.

spudmurphy · 20/01/2013 10:09

I would find it strange to be asked to a party celebration and have to pay for it myself. No problem when a group get together to take the 'birthday girl' out for dinner though iyswim.
Perhaps if your dh or friend organised it for you it wouldn't look so 'mean'
A joint birthday party for you and dh sounds like fun.
Not very nice of him to 'bag' the big celebration- just sayin

spudmurphy · 20/01/2013 10:22

I agree with Journey, Agent Provocateur and A Thing in hour Life.
You said you had been to parties in other peoples houses but yours was too small. If you are HOSTING , you pay. If you are celebrating, everyone can pay.

hopeful92 · 20/01/2013 10:46

I don't think I've ever been to a birthday meal where everyone didn't pay for their own meal - we usually have a right cock up at the end trying to work out whose ordered what :) So to clarify, YANBU.

Also, as others have said, maybe put the menu prices on the invite so people know what to expect :) Have a lovely birthday!

scottishmummy · 20/01/2013 10:51

some of you are immersed in moribund etiquette.inviting folk to restaurant isn't hosting event
there seems to be a disconnect she's not hosting,it's not manor hall,it's local restaurant
good manners are easy to define,such as an invite to birthday meal.the etiquette and should do being recommended is fussy and over complicated

DoItToJulia · 20/01/2013 11:08

I'm with Scottishmummy. Who knew there were so many hostesses paying for all their friends to eat out?

loobyloo23 · 26/01/2013 20:47

I am faced with a similar problem for my daughters 18th birthday. Does any one have any ideas of how to word an invitation to a restaurant when they will have to pay for themslves.

hf128219 · 26/01/2013 20:48

Don't have such a party if you can't pay for it!

IloveJudgeJudy · 26/01/2013 22:05

loobyloo DS1 is 18 and his circle, there is no invitation if everyone is paying for themselves. Bday DC just texts/asks friends to come to certain restaurant at a certain time. Don't write/send an invitation from you. She should just ask her friends casually if they want to meet at the restaurant to go for a meal. If you're not paying, you don't really invite.

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