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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it rude to ask people to pay for themselves?

118 replies

MamaBear17 · 19/01/2013 11:49

I have a 'big birthday' coming up, as does hubby 6 months later. Hubby has his heart set on having a big party. We can not afford to throw two parties and our birthdays are so far apart that hubby isnt keen on having a joint one. I have never had a proper birthday celebration or party (except the 'jelly and ice cream parties' when I was little) and I really want to do something to mark the occasion. I have found a lovely restaurant that does a set three course menu for 'special occasions' for £12. Alternatively I could choose a two course menu for £10 and serve birthday cake as pudding. The evening menu seems much more expensive so I thought this was a bargain, considering how lovely the restaurant is. It is family friendly so everyone could bring their kids and we would use the private room so it would just be us. However, I have a nagging doubt in the back of my mind that inviting people and asking them to pay for themselves is wrong. I dont' know why I feel like this, in the last two weeks I have paid £40 for a hen night and been invited to another friends 'birthday weekend away' at a cost of £80 (although I cant go because its too expensive). So, as I know that the ladies on here will be brutally honest, is it unreasonable for me to invite people to a birthday lunch and expect them to pay for themselves?

OP posts:

Journey · 19/01/2013 13:37

I think it is extremely rude. It is something I would never do. If I was going to have a party I would pay for it myself. I would not expect my guests to pay for it.

However, in terms of mumsnet's responses on this topic, which has been done a lot in the past, I'm very much in the minority. I think it is a greedy thing to do.

I agree with the posts that say you need to be careful with how you word the invite.

Perhaps parents should start charging when they invite a dc to their dc's party since so many people think it is okay for adult parties!

scottishmummy · 19/01/2013 13:41

not rude at all.IMO its entitled and bitty graspy to expect or assume paid for meal
when ive gone out as group,we circulate venue,menu and it's understood pay for own
I'd never dream of expecting someone pay for my food.that would be rude

Littlemissexpecting · 19/01/2013 13:46

Journey it's not really a party though is it? It's more like a celebratory meal in a restaurant. Your group of friends must be much better off than the majority on here

ineedanewmiddlename · 19/01/2013 13:47

It's not unreasonable. Personally when it was DH and my 30th's we kept it to an affordable budget. For DH we had a house party and spent £180 on food and drinks. For me we had a close family friends children for sunday lunch out, which cost us £260. We didn't put any drinks on table.

CockyPants · 19/01/2013 13:48

YANBU to expect people to pay there own way. I wouldn't mind paying for myself.
You need to word your 'invitation' carefully to avoid misunderstandings and people walking off without paying up.

scottishmummy · 19/01/2013 13:49

on invite say you'd love to see them all.attach info about venue,menu
dear all, I'd love to invite you to my birthday meal at x venue
I've attached some info about travel,venue and menu.it's a lovely restaurant and will cost £12 per person for set menu, I do so hope you can attend.please let me know if you can attend

CockyPants · 19/01/2013 13:51

What Scottish Mummy said for the wording. Spot on.

DoItToJulia · 19/01/2013 13:51

Oh yes, we would normally chip in to make sure the birthday girl didn't pay either! Almost the exact opposite of the birthday girl paying for everyone!

Ragwort · 19/01/2013 13:54

I agree with you Journey - I think it is slightly odd; its the whole thing about taking your partner and children I think; I go out for 'girls nights' (hate that expression) and of course we all pay our own way but if someone was inviting me and my family to celebrate their birthday I would probably assume they would host the occasion. It may be a lovely restaurant but it might not be the sort that you would choose to spend £40/50 +++ for a lunch - depending on the size of your family.

I can't think of any 'birthday parties' I have been invited to like this, perhaps I mix in odd circles.

greenpostit · 19/01/2013 13:56

It's fine, but it is essential that you put the cost in the invitations, scottishmummy's suggestion is good.

Thumbwitch · 19/01/2013 14:01

I think it's a really good idea to tell people that you need a small deposit from each of them if they can come as well; that sets it in their minds that they are paying for their own meal.

Journey - as a matter of interest, do you have parties at home? Do you refuse to accept the gifts that people often bring, bottles of wine etc., sometimes food? Or do you accept these offerings? It's not really that different, is it - bringing something to the party, or paying for your own meal. I don't see the rudeness - except in someone who turns up to a party expecting everything to be laid on for them with no contribution by them. I don't have any friends who have expectations like that, fortunately.

scottishmummy · 19/01/2013 14:01

why would you assume a free dinner ragwort?why is onus upon someone else to pay for your meal
external meal restaurant I'd expect guests pay
invite to my home, we'd accommodate and provide food.no cost naturally

Delayingtactic · 19/01/2013 14:09

Id expect to pay. We often do this for friends birthdays. I'd also expect to split the cost of your meal and drinks amongst everyone so everyone would end up paying just a few quid extra. A set menu is much better because at least people know what to expect.

Pandemoniaa · 19/01/2013 14:15

the thing is, only YOU know YOUR friends and family.

Agree. In my family it is quite usual to expect to pay for your own meals out and I'd also expect to pay if it was a friend's birthday. If you are invited to a "home" party, that's different - although you'd not turn up empty handed either.

Provided you word the invitation clearly and don't give the impression that you are footing the bill then I can't see a problem. Anyone who takes offence can decline the invitation but I doubt that most of your guests would.

PickledInAPearTree · 19/01/2013 14:17

Wouldn't bother me in the slightest...

theoriginalandbestrookie · 19/01/2013 14:21

I'd be happy to pay - provided it was made clear at the outset that this was the arrangement. I would also in that case expect to see the menu, including childrens menu ( as DS is a fussy little so and so) so that I could ensure there was stuff that he would eat. NB if it was paid for or in the invitees home I would not expect to see this but if I'm paying then its different

MrsKeithRichards · 19/01/2013 14:27

Sounds perfect and the set menu is definitely the way to do it, saves all the angst over who had what.

jamdonut · 19/01/2013 14:29

Journey - I think the thing here is the difference between "a party" and going out as a group to celebrate a birthday (or whatever).

If you hold a party,then it is assumed food, entertainment etc is being laid on,and you would take a gift or bottle in recognition of that .

Going out for dinner as a group you pay for yourself, or you club together and divide equally. If it is a surprise for someone, you quite often pay a bit extra to pay for their meal. That will have been sorted out beforehand, and you either go or you don't - depending on your finances etc. There is no shame in turning such an invite down.

How is it that rude?

Ragwort · 19/01/2013 14:29

scottishmummy - I don't think I would 'assume' a free meal but I would just think it a slightly unusual invitation, probably because its just not the sort of thing that is done in my social circle ie: birthday celebrations are either at someone's home or in a hall/similar venue where the meal is provided, or we are asked to bring a dish (perfectly acceptable).

I personally think it is a bit 'odd' to invite someone to a restaurant but expect them to pay themselves, but maybe that's just because its never actually happened to me IYSWIM .

theoriginalandbestrookie · 19/01/2013 14:30

Actually as an idea, why don't you cover the drink cost? I'd be happy to pay the cost of the meal, but as someone who doesn't drink much and certainly never at lunch time I'd be a bit hacked off if I ended up having to pay loads extra for someone I don't know ( if its a big gathering) to have a lovely boozy lunch

apostropheuse · 19/01/2013 14:32

YANBU

If it's a meal in a restaurant then I would say normally everyone pays their own meal. In fact often the guests share the cost of the birthday person's meal too. That's what I've experienced.

If it was a buffet style meal in a hall I wouldn't expect to pay - that would be covered by the person hosting the party.

jamdonut · 19/01/2013 14:38

All my daughter's friends got a look at the menu and we wrote down what everyone was having and I took it in to the restaurant the day before her meal. This way, they got served pretty quickly once everyone had arrived, and bought whatever drinks they wanted for themselves. This was at a Sizzling pub, on a midweek night,which was absolutely packed,with a notice saying there was a 30 minute wait for food for everyone else!

So far,since her birthday, she has been to a Chinese restaurant,a Mexican steakhouse and an Indian restaurant with her friends for their 16th birthdays. She's got another Italian,Mexican and Indian in the next few weeks!!

They are all paying for themselves!

theodorakisses · 19/01/2013 14:45

I think that sounds ok because it is affordable. I have 3 birthday brunches here this month alone at 50 quid a go and I would much rather spend my weekend morning in bed with the papers than in a 5* star hotel surrounded by drunken leather faced expats. But I digress...the fact you have put so much thought into it makes it personal and special.

Journey · 19/01/2013 14:46

If you're going to host a meal to celebrate a birthday then I think as the host you should pay for it.

Accepting gifts or a bottle of wine is not the same thing. It is manners (and tradition) to give something to the host.

I find it rather self-important of a host if they don't pay for their guests but will quite happily accept presents from them.

The only exception to this is when you have a small group of close friends who go out for a meal on each others birthday. This is because the norms have been set and agreed by the group and as such you don't really have a host as such more a "my turn to be the birthday girl" on the meal out.

Yfronts · 19/01/2013 14:53

No it's fine. Just invite people 'I'm having a birthday bash on bla bla date. Thought I'd open it up to adults and kids as it would be very reasonable for you all - 12 per head. Let me know if you can come/numbers. Cheers'

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