Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think £200 is too bloody much?

247 replies

MogwaiTheGremlin · 18/01/2013 21:16

Friend has hired a country house for her birthday and has just informed us it's £200 per person. I'm really annoyed because a) it isn't even a 'special' birthday b) I didnt really want to go in the first place as it means leaving pfb overnight but i felt obliged as she is a good friend and c) I can't bloody afford it.
Im just going for one night as ds is still little so I'll be spending 6 hours on the train (by myself) to spend 24 hours there. I realise that is my own bloody fault and not hers but it adds to my annoyance!

There will be additional costs (travel, going out money etc) so whilst i have to write off the £200 should I make my excuses now and pull out before this thing escalates further?
Mostly im annoyed at myself for saying yes in the first place as i would be perfectly happy spending the weekend at home with ds and £200 could buy A LOT of nappies
She is a very good friend so feel free to flame me for being selfish.

OP posts:
SoftKittyWarmKitty · 19/01/2013 08:45

So it's £200 each for 12 people - that's a cost of £2400 for two nights. Are you sure that's correct? I'd actually go on the castle's website or ring and ask them the hire cost because that's a crazy amount just for accommodation.

Anyway the fact is you can't afford to pay £200 so you're going to have to tell her today, so she can make adjustments to the cost and let everyone else know, or just suck it up herself. Do not pay the money out of guilt or obligation - she chose to have an expensive venue and not everyone can afford that, plus the cost increased massively, making it out of your budget. Tell her you can't make it and don't let her talk/guilt/bribe/manipulate you into still coming.

A friend of mine has a birthday coming up in a few months and is doing the London weekend thing. I declined straight off the bat as I don't have £150-200 spare to waste spend on a weekend away. She was fine about it. Your friend should be too if she's a real friend. If she kicks off, she's not a good friend anyway, so there's no loss is there?

Pendipidy · 19/01/2013 09:06

What soft kitty said. Look yourself and check costs.

Def just tell her you can not afford it. There is no shame in that and if she is a good friend she Will understand.

Let up know what you do and how you get on.

shesariver · 19/01/2013 09:11

You can't quote 100, book it, then ask for 200

This. Exactly. And if its £2400 for 1 nights accommodation where in gods name is it, Buckingham Palace?!! You can get a big villa in the South of France for a fortnight for that!

Bugsylugs · 19/01/2013 09:12

Generally agree say no but it really depends when you agreed how long you have known that it was £200 and when you are due to go. If you have only just found out it is £200 then just say no if you have been stewing on this for sometime much more difficult.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 19/01/2013 09:13

What other have said. You agreed to go based on a vague estimate of £100. Don't feel guilty about pulling out, especially as it looks likes lots of other people already have.

It is not selfish of you not to go. It would be selfish of you to blow £200+ of family money on something that you don't even really want to do!

Sausagedog27 · 19/01/2013 09:15

I don't have any dc and wouldn't pay that!

I'd send a nice email saying you'd budgeted £100 and can't afford it. I bet you are not the only one of her friends that is bothered by this....

McPhee · 19/01/2013 09:21

At 6 months, he still is little. My Dd is 6 months, and I'm still not comfortable leaving her even for an evening Blush

Aside from that, she's blooming rude to expect people to cough up that sort of money for her birthday. Rather presumptuous tbh.

LemonBreeland · 19/01/2013 09:24

It really looks like others have pulled out because they can't afford it etc. She is then making the rest of you pay more. That is completely unfair. She should not have booked it until she had deposits etc. from everyone. Don't feel bad pulling out. Others have obviously aleady done it.

TandB · 19/01/2013 09:25

I think you can legitimately pull out.

She gave a costs estimate and that has now doubled.

If you pull out then she can presumably decide whether she wants to pay the extra herself. If she is cavalier enough with money to decide that all her friends can afford an extra £100 a head without notice, she should presumably be content to cough up an extra £200 herself, given that it is her birthday.

LIZS · 19/01/2013 09:31

How could the costs have risen so much - did she invite more and they say no to that amount perhaps ? Do you know any of the others to discuss it with , they may feel similarly but are holding back. If you are going out why the elaborate surroundings.

Adversecamber · 19/01/2013 09:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bunbaker · 19/01/2013 10:15

"I invited friends round for a 1970's style children's birthday tea, think cheese and pineapple hedgehogs and lots of pimms. Why are some people so obsessed with making everything in to such a big deal."

Hear hear Adversecamber I had a family tea party for my 40th. My sister did everything and even laid on fireworks at the end (My birthday is at the beginning of November). It was wonderful. I did the same for her when she was 40 - minus fireworks as her birthday is in April.

When I was 50 I invited half a dozen of my closest friends round and ordered a load of takeaways from the local Indian. I'm so glad I hadn't organised a big party as I had a thumping migraine that weekend, but the atmosphere was lovely and convivial. We tend to do things on a small scale in the Bunbaker household, but everyone always enjoys themselves.

LaCiccolina · 19/01/2013 10:24

Pull out. Do's like that need forewarning and fore planning. Not half cocked like this. She bu u are not.

Montybojangles · 19/01/2013 10:30

Just tell her she has doubled the agreed original price and you can't afford to go. I'm sure she can find someone else. If she's a good friend she will understand your situation (money and child).

theoriginalandbestrookie · 19/01/2013 10:40

Another thought when you are emailing her:

  • Don't mention the fact you are only staying for 1 night. That's kind of irrelevant as she can't really find someone else for one night so I agree with the logic that you pay for both nights
  • Don't mention your child. Its not really that relevant (to her) focus on the cost aspect
  • Tell her how much you like her as a friend and that's why you were prepared to make a 6 hr round trip train journey for this thing, but had budgeted on £100 plus travel costs plus extra not £200. Say that you can't afford to pay extra because people have dropped out but you are willing to pay the original amount i.e. x/20 not 12

The only thing I'm not altogether clear about is if she actually stipulated a cost. If she never gave an amount but you assumed it would be about £100 then its a slightly different matter.

She will be out of pocket because of this and she may lash out at people as a result of it. Unfortunately you could be one of these people but you need to remember that she was incredibly rash to book something so expensive without having confirmed numbers.

For my hen do I booked a big venue - I did ask people to pay including myself but that was explained beforehand and understood. i deliberately picked a venue that only cost £50 pp ( in restrospect based on the quality of the place I should perhaps have spent a little more Grin) but this was so that if anyone dropped out I would cover the cost myself without making the others pay anymore. No one did and I think thats because it was inexpensive and centrally located to begin with.

thebody · 19/01/2013 10:40

Adverse that's hilarious and agree with bunbaker.

What's wrong with people. Why not a night at the local and a curry. It's all about her isn't it? Just say no op and don't worry about it.

She sounds a bit entitled anyway so not my cup of tea as a friend.

Sallyingforth · 19/01/2013 10:48

Just pull out. If you say that £200 is too much she may start negotiating and you will end up still spending more than you want.

LynetteScavo · 19/01/2013 10:48

I think you need to be honest and tell her you could have afforded £100, but £200 is out of the question.

I would love to have a party in a castle, but I can't afford to host it, and there is no way I would expect guests to pay. It's just not on.

If people pull out, she will just have to cancel and lose her deposit, and tbh, I think it serves her right.

And there is no way I would have left any of my DC over night at 6 months.

Binkybix · 19/01/2013 10:56

I would be annoyed. If you don't want to go, then don't go.

However, assuming she had quoted £100 and you agreed to that, then in your position I would pay the £100. Not fair in my mind to agree to going and some cost and then not pay anything after she has booked.

On her side though, I would never book something until had set out all cost to everyone and got definite agreement. Once someone gave that, I would expect them to pay up even if they cancelled.

KindleMum · 19/01/2013 11:01

I wouldn't pay £200 in your position. If you're told it will be £100 and had agreed, then your consent was to £100 not to double that. £100 extra may not be much to some people but it's a small fortune to others. Also it sounds like the extras may have increased rather and could increase further when you're there. If more people drop out - and they may as you're probably not the only one who can't afford £200 - will she increase the price further? I'd say no and I'd keep it simple, just say you were told about £100 and you can't afford £200.

I'll be declining an invite to a friend's non-wedding this weekend as I can't afford to take us all and although DH is perfectly happy for me to go alone, I don't want to lose a family weekend for long travel, a brief party and a lot of money spent.

Most sensible people I know who do birthday weekends either hire a Youth Hostel or if they want an expensive place, pay for it themselves.

theoriginalandbestrookie · 19/01/2013 11:28

Whats a non-wedding Confused ?

wowfudge · 19/01/2013 11:59

Crikey - sounds like a nightmare. I haven't spotted when this party is going to be from the other posts, but we don't know what the Ts and Cs for the booking are so if your friend has only had to pay a deposit then it may not be the end of the world if this expensive shindig does not go ahead. If the palace gets another booking for the same dates, then - depending on the Ts & Cs - it could be that only an admin fee is lost. Don't feel bad saying you can't go - just say the cost has doubled since it was first mooted and it's no longer affordable for you.

It would be lovely to stay somewhere spectacular for a party, but when it comes down to it, being with the people you love is more important than a swanky venue. Perhaps your friend should think about saving up so she can this kind of thing when it is a special birthday, without having to ask her friends to help her pay for it?

Mia4 · 19/01/2013 12:23

£200 for a birthday? That's the same price as a weekend hen do I'm going on, and we at least get all meals paid for! YANBU, but did you agree regardless of price in advance, because sadly then if no replacement person can be found you should pay because you've agreed. If she didn't let everyone know prices in advance and booked without letting folks know then i suspect you won't be the only pissed off one because that's really bad form.

You get quotes, find out numbers, get deposits then book. Otherwise you a) put more upon people then they expected and b) get drop outs who the other guests have to pay more to 'make up for.'

I would not go, too expensive and bad communication on your mate's part. Your friend may lose her deposit if she's already booked, or you may find she hasn't yet put anything down, but sadly for her it's her mistake to not get everyone in the know and deposits first.

Mia4 · 19/01/2013 12:26

Actually this whole 'entitlement' thing really annoys me. My partner's just found out his friend is having a stag do and wants them to 'do the triangle' which costs about 2K! Selfish git then gets annoyed when people can't afford, because he can, because he's made of money and runs in circles with others who do does not mean his oldest, close, school friends can afford it. Especially when we have our own coming up. Very selfish.

Sorry rant over. OP tell them no, YANBU at all

FiveGoMadInDorset · 19/01/2013 12:29

Whats 'the triangle'?