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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you judge us as parents if your child got a crap birthday present at a party?

414 replies

M0naLisa · 18/01/2013 10:06

Me and DH are skint. Our two boys have a party invitation each for Sunday. Only handed out on Monday this week.
6yr old Is going to a day out with birthday boys parents on the morning with other kids in ds class.
4yr old is going to a local scout hut in the afternoon

We are skint. Would you judge us as parents if we gave a box of Maltesers as presents?

It's all we can afford at the moment. I just don't want the parents thinking were cheap skates :-(

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 18/01/2013 19:54

Maybe I do circulate in different groups of people than most here

I rather think you do. I tend to avoid people who have vulgar grasping, avaristic attitudes to money.

I find those who know the price of everything and the value of nothing extremely distasteful

Original poster
M0naLisa · 18/01/2013 19:58

Christmasshope thank you that's kind. But I've had a few offers from mners thank you though :-) that's really kind!

OP posts:
shewhowines · 18/01/2013 19:58

NcNc - that's exactly what I said a few pages ago. Genuinely didn't realise I might be causing a problem.

ArbitraryUsername · 18/01/2013 19:58

To be honest, I don't tend to think about cost at all when deciding on presents for the DCs' friends (or, as is usually the case, helping them to choose presents). Generally, the thought process is about buying something reasonably small that the child who will receive the present will like. Generally the spend is in the region of £10, but it may be a bit less or more. Money isn't really much of an issue for us though (not that we're swimming in it, Scrooge McDuck style or anything, alas Grin).

When receiving presents, on the other hand, I absolutely could not care what they cost, or whether there is even a present at all. It's really not the point. I wouldn't even necessarily think that the family must be struggling if the present was small (or absent). It may be that they just aren't in to the whole consumerism thing, or that they didn't have time, or they forgot to get one and the party was on a Sunday morning so they couldn't dash out and panic buy something, or all manner of other things. It really doesn't matter, does it.

The important thing when you are hosting a party is that everyone has a good time. It would be incredibly rude to make a guest feel bad because you didn't think they'd spent enough on your DC's present.

Which reminds me, DS1 is going to a birthday party tomorrow. Being the disorganised mother that I am, I haven't sorted a present or card yet. It'll be a last minute dash on the way to the party (as usual).

KindleMum · 18/01/2013 19:59

catgirl - price of everything and value of nothing was exactly the phrase in my head too!

catgirl1976 · 18/01/2013 20:01

Great minds kindle! :)

I think sadly the need to use it is becoming more and more common :(

PurpleStorm · 18/01/2013 20:34

I think that a box of maltesers would be fine as a present - after all, in most cases, a child is invited to a party because the birthday child wants them to be there, so he can have fun with his friends. Not because the birthday child's parents want an enormous pile of expensive presents.

stormforce10 · 18/01/2013 20:56

YANBU dd would love a box of chocolates or sweets of any sort.

Venus I suspect I move in similar circles to you (private schools, high incomes etc.) but thankfully the people I know would never judge on the basis of what people give as birthday presents. They are far more concerned that their children and their friends enjoy the parties however expensive they may have been to put on and have happy memories to take away with them. DD invites quite a few friends she knows from activities outside school and a lot of their families are on quite low incomes - she and we would be really upset if we thougt they weren't coming to her party because they couldnt afford a grand present (dd's favourite present was a sticker book from the pound shop)

ThePinkOcelot · 18/01/2013 20:58

I would be over the moon if my dds were given Maltesers as a present! Love them! x

theodorakisses · 19/01/2013 12:12

In the world of MN though, I can just see a thread about "someone bringing sugar to my child's party" and lots of people jumping in to compete how little sugar, salt, anything nice ever their child has ever been exposed to. I bet they would post on MN and then eat the Maltesers themselves.

TheSecondComing · 19/01/2013 12:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IAmLouisWalsh · 19/01/2013 12:38

We had a party in the summer for DS. Not a birthday and didn't expect presents. Three kids brought nothing, one brought Lego, one brought Moshis and another two brought sweets. DS was equally delighted with all of the presents.

IAmLouisWalsh · 19/01/2013 12:42

I always do homemade cards, too - they are personal and fun, and parents often say how nice they are. A bit of card, some stickers and crayons - costs next to nothing but both kids love making them and choosing what stickers to use for their pals.

MushroomSoup · 19/01/2013 12:44

Great presents received by my DCs that have been loved but didn't cost the earth:
Small cardboard box with needles, threads, buttons and a few odd socks
Small coffee jar filled with sweets
Pretty mug or breakfast bowl with a cookie/fairy cake
Maltesers!! Any box of chocs
A bunch of flowers
Hair ribbons
Bottle of bubble bath (shop brand) decorated with a ribbon and a frilly bow (DD actually squealed with the grown-up-ness of it all!)
Photo of them and friend in a bought or homemade frame

Thumbwitch · 19/01/2013 12:51

I hope not! DS1 gets to choose the presents for his friends and they tend to be on the cheap side - a plastic animal or 2, bubbles, that kind of thing.

I was utterly horrified when he had his own party though, and people were spending WAAAY too much (IMO) on presents! Up to AU$30 (£20) in some cases - I was somewhat mortified. Blush I can't afford to spend that much on every birthday present we take to parties, especially for under 5s. I have a self-imposed maximum of AU$10 (about £6.50) for this age group.

The only present I wasn't happy for DS1 to receive for his 5th birthday was a nerf gun labelled age 8+. Just wrong. And from a parent of a 2yo, who apparently already has one. Shock

BrandyAlexander · 19/01/2013 13:02

I burst out laughing when I read the second half of TheSecondComing's post. Grin

My dcs always make their cards and enjoy doing it.

DamnBamboo · 19/01/2013 13:46

OP, YANBU.
Venus don't even know what to say to your post.

I have three boys and at every party we've ever had for them, at least one child has not brought a present. Kids never noticed, I presume parent in financial difficulty, but don't care either way.

I throw a party for my children to facilitate them celebrating and having fun with their friends, not to get gifts.

But I'm a bit Hmm at previous poster who says the more expensive gifts 'don't much use, are over the top' etc..

It is no better insulting someone for bringing an expensive gift than it is for not bringing anything at all.

Also, to those who say they might say on invitations 'just bring yourselves' it's really crap that you would deprive your child of the presents that they would get! Kids enjoy opening their presents, why would anybody do this.

Virgil · 19/01/2013 13:59

DS1 (7) won a raffle recently. Top prize was tickets to a cricket international. He had to go up to the table to choose his prize and came back with the box of maltesers. DH was not impressed but DS1 was absolutely delighted with his choice.

Maltesers are always more than acceptable here !!

DioneTheDiabolist · 19/01/2013 14:22

Venus, I have no problem with people living within their means. Indeed I am a big advocate of it.

However living within one's means doesn't mean not going to parties it means bringing a present that you can afford, for example a box of Maltesers or a whoopee cushion. I am Sad for children who grow up learning that the cost of the pressie they bring is more important than the joy they bring by just being there for their friend.

diddl · 19/01/2013 14:29

It´s hard isn´t if the children are going on an activity?

I think we feel that we need to give a present that covers the cost.

But it is the parents decision to do these things!

forgetmenots · 19/01/2013 16:01

virgil your son sounds lovely, would have paid money to see his day's face, though.

Actually glad surprised to see the lack of judging on this, it's something I've heard colleagues talking about and been shocked that people would judge parents based on party presents. Nice to see the overwhelming majority being lovely and kind of people to offer presents to OP. (I'm in a lovely baby mood today... Can't you tell? :) )

forgetmenots · 19/01/2013 16:02

Should have read 'his dad's face' :)

lljkk · 19/01/2013 16:14

I feel Venus has been bullied, her perspective isn't unusual or outrageous. Sometimes it's very hard to express a minority view on MN :(. It does no favours to OP, OP isn't getting a real picture at all of how party hosts are likely to react.

I have often heard people IRL saying their DC can't go to parties because they can't stomach sending their child with no gift or a very low value one. There is a risk, albeit a small one.

For myself, I rarely have a clue who gave what at DC party. I am surprised when folk are able to keep close track. I hate how much stuff DC get at parties anyway, to the point that it makes me dread giving a party, so less is more in my mind.

elizaregina · 19/01/2013 16:18

oh my goodness

i am ahgast Shock - at someone - actually suggesting the op doesnt go to the party....because of hte present!

For my DD's 1st proper party age 3 - with entertainer - etc etc I actually asked for no presents as I couldnt imagine even with a small party of ten where on earth I would put all these gifts.

I am truely agog that someone doesnt think someone should go without an expensive gift.

I think most parents here would be devestated if the family who were struggling didnt send thier child to come and enjoy a nice party!

Such a horrid thing to do to a child. I cant imagine how I would have felt if I wasnt allowed to go to party becayse we couldnt afford a present!

What a stigma to put on a child! What sort of lessons does that send out?

I am so shocked.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 19/01/2013 16:29

We are having a party for DD1 next sat and I am now wishing I had written on the invites not to bring a present.

I would hate to think some of the kids couldnt go due to money. We have very little money and are really stretching ourselves to put the party on. Our families are helping out too. But the whole point is for children to come and have fun. Not to get presents.