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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Son's wife and my grandchild

999 replies

Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 20:36

Hello
Have changed my name to protect privacy, I apologise in advance as this might be very long and rambling. Basically I want to get some views from you to help me sort this issue

The issue is that I feel pushed out of my son?s life. I get on ok with his wife but i have always found her difficult and this has been made worse since they had a child.

When she first had the baby they requested only 2 visitors at a time. I can understand that they didn?t want to be overwhelmed with guests but feel parents and siblings are different. I wanted to see the baby with my husband and other son. This meant that my other sons girlfriend needed to come as well. So there would have been 4 of us. My son stated to please stick to what was originally said. We did do this but I feel resentful that I didn?t agree to it first of all, and that I couldn?t see my boys all together. I know this may sound silly, but i wanted to take photos of my husband, and both sons holding the baby.

This has come to a head because I was trying to organise a family party so everyone could see baby. My son said it seemed a nice idea but thought his wife might find it a bit full on. Surprise surprise, she doesn?t think she?s up to it and wants to have time just the 3 of them. I suggested she might want to just come for a couple of hours and then go home to rest. But she said she?d be taking the baby home with her. She seems to forget that we are her child?s family and need to be included.

I have tried talking to my son about it and he understands. But things just stay the same and it is very frustrating.

OP posts:
brainonastick · 16/01/2013 22:06

Ok, thanks. I'm amazed, I could have sworn this was a wind up, but I guess we all have times when we can't see what's in front of our eyes Confused.

I'm just wondering if you have ever read any MIL threads in that time, and agreed with the DIL, or at least seen her pov? Because this is one of the worst I have ever seen (in 6 or 7 yrs). Can you see the truth in any of the points that posters are making about how your DIL might see this?

nilbyname · 16/01/2013 22:06

Classic op, whole thread about her being in the wrong, op finds the one post that backs her up a bit and responds to that.

Bingo!

Runs round the house in a victory lap.

op you are a classic!

CabbageLeaves · 16/01/2013 22:06

It's her child!!!!!!! before it's your grandchild.

as a means to be in charge Pot. Kettle. Black

i hope they cut you out of their lives asap because you sound utterly toxic

Binkyridesagain · 16/01/2013 22:07

I had to go back and reread that last post from you OP

Who do you think you are ? The fuckin mafia?

She is in charge, her and her husband.

DoodlesNoodles · 16/01/2013 22:07

frenchspeak have one of these Biscuit

I am still hoping this is a reverse AIBU Confused

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 16/01/2013 22:07

Yabu. Settle down or DIL will sack you off. Your relationship with your grandchild only exists if DIL decides to allow it. Best start being nice and accept that DIL calls the shots

lurkedtoolong · 16/01/2013 22:08

"It seems like she is using my grandchild as a means to be in charge."

She is in charge, it's her fucking baby. You are clearly a very unpleasant woman who needs someone in RL to sit down with you and tell you to wind your neck in and learn some fucking manners.

trofeewife · 16/01/2013 22:08

This reminds me of 'The Little House,' except that MIL at least pretended to like her DIL.

CheerfulYank · 16/01/2013 22:08

When I was first dating DH I was terrified of my future mil because she is so reserved. She isn't cold, but she does seem like it.

Now ten years on and with a DS (and another DC on the way) I farking LOVE her because she never, but never, sticks her oar in. She babysits when asked, gives advice when asked. It's bliss. :)

OP yabvu. Some people wouldn't mind what you're suggesting. I took DS to fil's birthday party when he was a week or two old. Didn't bother me a bit. People held DS and I snoozed on the couch. :o

One of my best friends is a bit shy. She just doesn't like large crowds, or having a lot of people in her space, or doing much at all when she's tired or not feeling well. What you're suggesting with the party would be a total screaming nightmare for her.

Your dil is entitled to her own feelings. You need to back off.

FernandoIsFaster · 16/01/2013 22:08

Your DIL is only quiet around you because she is constantly biting her lip to stop herself from telling you to fuck off.

You sound like an absolute nightmare. YABU. And I feel so sorry for your DIL.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 16/01/2013 22:09

This thread has got to be a troll thread, no one would be dumb enough to come on forum and expect to be agreed with. Who comes on a thread and spouts shit like that? utterly stupid people, thats who.

Sirzy · 16/01/2013 22:09

A mother wanting to be in charge of her child. What a strange concept Confused

Your son is an adult, he has his own family THEY are now his priority not pandering to you being like a sulking toddler.

Chrysanthemum5 · 16/01/2013 22:10

To start with I thought you had a point. Would it have been so awful for the new parents to have 4 guests for a short period? When i had DC 1 i had family visiting in groups, but nobody stayed very long, and it was fine.

However, your comments since then have been mean. You really sound as if you don't like your dil, and I suspect the feeling is mutual. It's not kind to ask your dil to go home because she's shy, but leave the baby with you!

PacificDogwood · 16/01/2013 22:10

"Thank you CloudsAndTrees. It seems like she is using my grandchild as a means to be in charge."

That's the whole point, she IS in charge!

CabbageLeaves · 16/01/2013 22:10

I work with someone like this. Spends her life snapping at people who don't meet her demands and looking like she's sucking a lemon.
Completely selfish individual lacking any insight

FeltOverlooked · 16/01/2013 22:10

Actually, I jolly well hope it is a troll thread for everyone's sake!

Jossysgiants · 16/01/2013 22:10

op you are giving me the heeby jeebies

KoalaTale · 16/01/2013 22:11

Yabu.mil from hell. I feel so sad that there is a poor woman, recently given birth, who is having to endure this crap.

Op, please give her a break and leave her in peace with her dd.

NotSoNervous · 16/01/2013 22:11

She IS IN CHARGE!!!! Why can't you understand that??

Whatever you think DOESN'T MATTER and you need to realise that YOU HAVE NO SAY what's so ever

You can't post on here asking for advice and then only listen to 1 you like about of almost 200

I can tell you exactly how this is going to go, your going to keep being a PITA and pushing yourself and your opinions into them and there going to cut you off and it will be your own fault

SamSmalaidh · 16/01/2013 22:12

I am really pleased that your DS and DIL are managing to stand up to you!

brainonastick · 16/01/2013 22:12

I think it unlikely that a person with the character traits of the OP would feel the need to come and ask AIBU. Just saying.

LiveItUp · 16/01/2013 22:12

Actually OP, you carry on in your selfish little world. That way, you will be cut out of their lives and that is probably the best thing for them. No one needs someone as controlling and toxic as you in their lives.

HeadfirstForHalos · 16/01/2013 22:13

It's not even like the dil has told the OP she can't visit, or that she can't have the party. she has said she will come along for 2 hours. At 8 weeks that's plenty enough time.

It sounds like she's compromising with you when i bet she just wants to tell you to feck off.

iluvsummer · 16/01/2013 22:14

You sound like my mil.......me and my beautiful son haven't seen her since July last year!! She is nuts and toxic! YABVVU!!

amistillsexy · 16/01/2013 22:14

Whether or not the DIl enjoys parties/is shy is immaterial.

OP, she doesn't want to attend your party. She has turned down your invitation, using tiredness as the excuse in the hope that you will back off and leave her and her family alone.

She was being polite, saying 'I'lll be too tired to come' instead of 'You must be Fucking Joknig, I'd rather gouge my own eyes out with blunt pencils than spend a Sunday afternoon in the company of you and yours.'

HTH