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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Son's wife and my grandchild

999 replies

Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 20:36

Hello
Have changed my name to protect privacy, I apologise in advance as this might be very long and rambling. Basically I want to get some views from you to help me sort this issue

The issue is that I feel pushed out of my son?s life. I get on ok with his wife but i have always found her difficult and this has been made worse since they had a child.

When she first had the baby they requested only 2 visitors at a time. I can understand that they didn?t want to be overwhelmed with guests but feel parents and siblings are different. I wanted to see the baby with my husband and other son. This meant that my other sons girlfriend needed to come as well. So there would have been 4 of us. My son stated to please stick to what was originally said. We did do this but I feel resentful that I didn?t agree to it first of all, and that I couldn?t see my boys all together. I know this may sound silly, but i wanted to take photos of my husband, and both sons holding the baby.

This has come to a head because I was trying to organise a family party so everyone could see baby. My son said it seemed a nice idea but thought his wife might find it a bit full on. Surprise surprise, she doesn?t think she?s up to it and wants to have time just the 3 of them. I suggested she might want to just come for a couple of hours and then go home to rest. But she said she?d be taking the baby home with her. She seems to forget that we are her child?s family and need to be included.

I have tried talking to my son about it and he understands. But things just stay the same and it is very frustrating.

OP posts:
ChristianGreyIsAJackass · 16/01/2013 22:15

I think it unlikely that a person with the character traits of the OP would feel the need to come and ask AIBU. Just saying.

^^ this

Jossysgiants · 16/01/2013 22:16

brainonastick
Quite.

LittleBearPad · 16/01/2013 22:16

OP Congratulations, you get my first Biscuit.

pollyblue · 16/01/2013 22:17

Brainsona or maybe they would - OP is so sure and certain she is absolutely right she's expected everyone to agree with her. Because she is so pigheaded the idea that she might be wrong is impossible to contemplate.

200 posts on, she's just latched onto the one person who has agreed with her. Talking to her IRL must be like talking to a brick wall.

PoppadomPreach · 16/01/2013 22:17

No way is this for real. Just no way. Unless OP is Peggy Mitchell.

lurkedtoolong · 16/01/2013 22:18

Just out of curiosity, and I know I shouldn't still be on this thread as it's making me more angry than any other AIBU ever, what does your husband think OP?

Original poster
Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 22:18

I said in my original post that the party was not happening. Neither of them wanted it to happen. I'm not pushing it anymore. I was just using it as an example of how I'm not allowed to share in the enjoyment of a new baby.

OP posts:
MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 16/01/2013 22:19

My mother was exactly like you I told her I was not an incubator for her grandchildren. She would only ever talk about her family and her rights and her grandchildren and not acknowledge that she was inflicted on me but I chose my dh and to have my children. We haven't spoken in a couple of years now and its been great. Be very careful or that could be you. Your son and DIL sound bloody great btw, good for them putting you in your place so early on instead of silently seething about it.

MumVsKids · 16/01/2013 22:19

Using the child to be in charge????

Oh FFS, B&Q have grips on special offer. Get one Hmm

OxfordBags · 16/01/2013 22:19

If she really is doing it to be in control, ask yourself why you make her feel the need to do that?

I don't think she is doing it for that reason, though. I suspect you are the full-on matriarh, the queen bee, used to be the focus of the entire family and used to always having everything your own way and controlling their lives for them (if they are typical of many men who will just go along with that stuff 'for a quiet life'). Now your DIL isn't going to play the game your way. Now there is a new queen bee. Younger, prettier, fertile, a new mother. This must be truly freaking you out, not to mention outraging and infuriating you. Well, tough titty, about time you realise you're not Queen of Fucking Everything.

I can see why your son loves a woman who is quiet, doesn't like making a big deal over stuff (like throwing a party post-partum), cares about the deeper issues and not her image to others.

Women of your generation (I am presuming you are at least mid 50s or older from the way you write) were trained to make sacrifices of their own needs and wants and put others first and do stuff as mothers to please others and 'keep face' and I suspect you unconsciously expected that of her and it feels not only insulting and confusing, but as though you have been denied your 'reward' for what was expected of you when you were a new mother (ie that you got to make selfish demands about your GC and have them met).

The sooner you realise that what you want, the way you want it, is not going to happen and the more you push and moan, the less likely it will, in fact, happen, the sooner you can actually get over yourself and try to find some way to make it up to your son and DIL for being so awful and selfish and forge new and genuine ways to have a relationship with them and your GD that benefit you all. Ways that will always be on their terms, because they are her parents and family and they get to decide things for her, not you. Your rights towards her are what they choose to give you. Tread carefully.

WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome · 16/01/2013 22:19

I wouldn't have thought that parties held under bridges were particularly suitable for newborns.

pigletmania · 16/01/2013 22:19

Op I can understand how you feel, but it is still early days yet, mum may be feeling very overwhelmed, hormonal, tired and trying to get used to life with a baby. It is fantastic that your son is supporting her as t should be. I wsh I did this when I had my first baby, visitors started flooding in soon after we got home, I was in a lot of pain as my episiotomy became infected, add to that pnd, upset at my failure to bf. my in laws were staying with us before and after the birth ( they live abroad). My dh even insisted that MIL was there when I gave birth, which she was, threw a party a few days after dd was born at our house. This added to the stress and might ave been part f my reason for failing to bf. it certainly exacerbated my PND.

So please be a little understanding towards yor daughter in law. If she is bf there is noway she can leave her baby, so dnt expect that. Cut her some slack and try to be more understanding. Offer to help and be there instead of demanding.

BumbleBee2011 · 16/01/2013 22:20

Wow YABVU - we had a party for DD when she was 2 weeks old (it was my birthday, my friends thought we were mad)...I thought it was a great way to get everybody "done" in one go. However it was on our home turf, I was able to go upstairs to breastfeed whenever I wanted to, and it was 100% people we wanted to see.

If anyone had tried to organise that party on our behalf we'd have said no.

And BTW we had 4 days of no visitors other than parents, it's called rooming in and is considered pretty normal.

wibblyjelly · 16/01/2013 22:20

French, you probably will be allowed to enjoy the baby if you back off, and let them do things at their own pace.

ThreeBeeOneGee · 16/01/2013 22:20

This thread has made me crosser than pretty much anything I have ever read on mumsnet. Frenchspeak: if you are for real, then you sound narcissistic and controlling, and I hope that your daughter-in-law finds the strength to keep you at a distance and continue setting the firm boundaries that are clearly needed here.

SugarplumMary · 16/01/2013 22:21

I think it unlikely that a person with the character traits of the OP would feel the need to come and ask AIBU. Just saying.

I don't know my ILs told everyone how they were behaving and couldn't see anything wrong what ever people said.

TBH how they mared the first few years its a wonder that we get on now. We do as they backed off - we moved away, they tried breaking us up and got no where and seemed to fianlly realise we were the parents and I was sticking around.

MIL did the big party thing to - then she wanted another one as everyone had been polite about GC and then wanted food and drink - they weren't as excited about baby as they were.

OP - you have years to do things with your GC if you don't screw it up.

Original poster
Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 22:22

Hello lurkedtoolong. My husband also wanted both our sons together so we could take photos, enjoy the occasion etc. He doesn't like what's happening either but it's usually up to me to put my foot down. He just lets things go for the most part.

OP posts:
bamboozled · 16/01/2013 22:22

Flabbergasted - OP you make my mother in law look like a saint (and she is truly terrible)... Leave the poor woman alone, leave your son alone and leave the baby alone, then see if they have space for you at the moment - or if you have behaved so appallingly that they can't be around you - I know which one I would choose - and you will have brought it all upon yourself...

Pendipidy · 16/01/2013 22:22

Yes, she is in charge of her own baby! I presume that is what you were referring to when talking about being in charge, or were you talking about being in charge of something else?

Do you really think that you should be in charge of her baby, or how and when and for how long she takes her baby out?

Do you not realise how over bearing you are coming across? If you offered to help, rather than dominate her, you might find her more forth coming.

CunningPlan · 16/01/2013 22:22

Jesus Christ OP. Your DIL is in charge of her own family. On what planet would you be in charge of her own family?

I'm out.

Jossysgiants · 16/01/2013 22:23

French - but you do not seem to want to 'share' you want to completely take over without consideration of the baby's parents feelings. The baby is not a commodity. Why can you only 'enjoy' the baby in this manner -I.e with an audience/ big party etc etc.

maddening · 16/01/2013 22:23

Ps you have not been in charge since your ds moved out as an adult.

SugarplumMary · 16/01/2013 22:24

French, you probably will be allowed to enjoy the baby if you back off, and let them do things at their own pace.
^^ This.

As soon as my IL backed off and stoped trying to undermine and 'parent' our DC and we knew they had stopped point scoring and undermining us and doing oppoiste of what we said even if dangerous just because - then we could let them do so much more with the DC as we could trust them.

Pity it took years.

lurkedtoolong · 16/01/2013 22:24

I really do think you should back off, you are behaving very badly. I can see that you want to enjoy your new grandchild but the chances are much better if you go at your son and DIL's pace rather than try to push everything. You are coming across as very pushy and hellish to be around. Calm down. A lot.

bluer · 16/01/2013 22:24

You are a nutter. You make me very glad I have a lovely mil...I would ask her advice and help precisely because she wouldn't be pushy. Another friend has a mil like you and I can tell you she's hardly seen the gc since her crazy ideas stayed. Listen and learn if you want to be a part of the Childs life