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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Son's wife and my grandchild

999 replies

Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 20:36

Hello
Have changed my name to protect privacy, I apologise in advance as this might be very long and rambling. Basically I want to get some views from you to help me sort this issue

The issue is that I feel pushed out of my son?s life. I get on ok with his wife but i have always found her difficult and this has been made worse since they had a child.

When she first had the baby they requested only 2 visitors at a time. I can understand that they didn?t want to be overwhelmed with guests but feel parents and siblings are different. I wanted to see the baby with my husband and other son. This meant that my other sons girlfriend needed to come as well. So there would have been 4 of us. My son stated to please stick to what was originally said. We did do this but I feel resentful that I didn?t agree to it first of all, and that I couldn?t see my boys all together. I know this may sound silly, but i wanted to take photos of my husband, and both sons holding the baby.

This has come to a head because I was trying to organise a family party so everyone could see baby. My son said it seemed a nice idea but thought his wife might find it a bit full on. Surprise surprise, she doesn?t think she?s up to it and wants to have time just the 3 of them. I suggested she might want to just come for a couple of hours and then go home to rest. But she said she?d be taking the baby home with her. She seems to forget that we are her child?s family and need to be included.

I have tried talking to my son about it and he understands. But things just stay the same and it is very frustrating.

OP posts:

NotSoNervous · 16/01/2013 21:51

This has to be a joke! If not I can completely understand why your DIL would want to cut you out of their lives you sound way to over baring, pushy and interfering

Yes it's your family and you want to spend as much time as possible with them but its not about what you want, new parents want to spend as much time as possible together without you getting in the way and no doubt being a huge PITA

All the things in your Op about 2 visitors at a time is perfectly reasonable. When my DD was born I kept people away for days because if just given birth and had my beautiful baby that I've carried for 9months then have birth to and I want to spend time with her not have all these different people coming in and out and taking her off me.

The party, your lucky she was going to come for a few hours and its beyond ridiculous that you would expect her to leave her child there

All of your posts are about what you want and you and your boys and he has been completely pushed out, you need to learn to back off and respect their boundaries otherwise you'll lose them all for good

Binkyridesagain · 16/01/2013 21:51

You're not getting it are you?
Your DIL was not an incubator for your play thing, she is the mother of your grandchild, she is your sons wife, they, not you, decide what they are going to do with their baby and when. If you don't like it, tough, suck it up.
You push this, you will lose your son and his child.

cory · 16/01/2013 21:51

'But she?s not the most talkative of people so it?s not like she would be entertaining everyone. She?s fairly shy around us. Also, I would be the organiser of the party. It was going to be at my house and obviously I would need to contact everyone about attending.'

Is the whole rest of your extended family as difficult to please as you then? If they have to be entertained, rather than being happy to meet your dil for her own sake and to congratulate her on her lovely baby, if they don't think two hours is long enough- they must be a pretty demanding lot. Or are you just projecting your need to control things onto the rest of your family?

Spuddybean · 16/01/2013 21:52

But you could have a photo at a later date surely. Why did it have to be when your dil was feeling overwhelmed? why did you wanting a picture trump the feelings of someone who has just been thru a major experience of having a baby? Surely on the scale of 'needs' hers wins.

I don't really know what to say about the 'entertaining everyone' comment. I'm hoping that you didn't actually mean that makes her presence a bit pointless.

It is also unusual to give gps a 'say' in what happens to the gcs. They usually just accept what the parents do and offer love and support. My parents would never have expected input from my gps on what was best for me, or them. The same as i wouldn't ask my parents about my ds. It would just be a given that the parents would do it according what they believed.

NotSoNervous · 16/01/2013 21:53

This has to be a joke! If not I can completely understand why your DIL would want to cut you out of their lives you sound way to over baring, pushy and interfering

CheeseStrawWars · 16/01/2013 21:53

"What exactly is wrong with wanting a photo of my son holding his niece? Surely that?s normal." - yeah, but you don't need to be there taking the pic, do you? Your son can visit on his own, he's a grown-up...

"They don?t have a car so couldn?t visit on their own." - bus? train? taxi?

"I would be the organiser of the party" - not your place, love.

"She?s fairly shy around us." Hmm, wonder why??

PacificDogwood · 16/01/2013 21:54

Of course she is being 'shy' around you - who wouldn't.
Your DS must have seen something in her as he married her and had a child with her.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a photo of your other DS holding his niece but its's not up to you.

Yy to offering to do something that they find useful. They. Them. Not you.

My mother has a very strained relationship with my SiL because she does not approve of her as a spouse to my brother. She sees my niece v little. She puts SiL down at every opportunity. Anything that my mother thinks is not 'right' about my niece (who is a lovely 6 year old) is my DSiL's fault. It is horrible and I have told her this repeatedly. She will not/cannot change. It is her who is losing out.

Please try and listen to everyone here.

CloudsAndTrees · 16/01/2013 21:55

Would it really be so difficult for the Dil to have allowed two extra people in their home for an hour or so? Really?

Is it really that difficult to be in a room full of family who want to congratulate you 8 weeks after having a baby?

I was PFB to the extreme when I had my first, but I don't remember wanting to push my baby's and my husbands family away as much as humanly possible. I think this DIL sounds like a selfish spoiled brat. She is allowed to be to some extent when she's just had a baby, but she's taking her mummy tiger thing too far and being spiteful for no good reason.

Maybe OP isn't going about things in exactly the right way, but she's not going out to be hurtful either. She's just a proud granny that wants to share the most important thing that has happened to her family for however long. That doesn't mean she deserves to feel threatened about having a relationship with her GS.

I wonder if the DIL is treating her family the same way.

CabbageLeaves · 16/01/2013 21:56

You sound very entitled. This baby was born to two adults.

It was not produced for you to show off as an acquisition. Taking pictures is more important to you than this little family. Have you thought about what your behaviour is doing to them? how your son must feel?

Stop being so self obsessed and think about someone other than yourself.

CloudsAndTrees · 16/01/2013 21:56

I feel very sorry for OPs son.

Signet2012 · 16/01/2013 21:56

Well now we know where all the MiL threads come from.

it is not your baby. It is your sons baby. In the pecking order it goes 1) baby 2) baby mum 3) your son 4)-20) people who are going to be useful. Then you, your bloody photos and your party.

My dd is 4 months old. The day she was born I said parents could come. I did not allow my brother or any of dp siblings there because I looked and felt like a train wreck. I was beyond exhausted, looked like shit and felt worse. I was embarrassed by my catheter (emcs) the fact I was bleeding all over and was trying hard to get bf established.

It isn't about you!

Your poor DIL is probably quiet and shy because she finds you completely overbearing and quite frankly I don't blame her.

Back off. Let them get sorted. You have had your turn its their turn now.

And as for a party. I would have ran gor the hills. I certainly wouldn't be wanting my baby being passed about like a prized bloody puppy. To even suggest she could go home sums up exactly the level of thought and respect you have for your DIL.

For the sake of future relations you need to back off now. Hth

Matildaduck · 16/01/2013 21:56

Oh dear, you need to re set your expectations. Your like my mil, she gets very little contact.

Did you hang out with your dil before? Do you love each others company? Thought not. Don't try to monopolise her time with her baby.

You had your babies, get a grip.

Greensleeves · 16/01/2013 21:57

Sirzy · 16/01/2013 21:57

Your organising a family party just to introduced the baby? Your doing this after you have specifically been asked to keep visitors to a minimum?

And you can't see your being quite overpowering?

GlaikitFizzog · 16/01/2013 21:58

Oh and at 6 weeks we were burying FIL, so I suppose I didi kind of go to a party organised by Mil. However, everyone there respected the fact I was a new mum and gave me the space and assistance I wanted/needed.

By all means offer to organise a family gathering, but do not expect the offer to be taken.

FelicityWasSanta · 16/01/2013 21:58

What exactly is wrong with wanting a photo of my son holding his niece? Surely that?s normal.

Normal? To need it at new born stage or you are in a strop? No, that's a bit weird. But if I was you I'd get your sons GF to take the picture on your camera for you, job one.

And I do remember when I had my children. I certainly did not exclude my mother in law.

Lovely

Her and my father in law always had a say.

A say in what exactly?

I wouldn?t have dreamt of saying ?this is my child; you have to do it my way?. It seems like a threat, if I don?t agree then I lose out on seeing my grandchild.

I imagine your DIL isn't enjoying saying it either, think how upset this shy woman must be to be saying it.

My other son and his girlfriend live in a different part of the country so they came to stay with us so they could visit baby. They don?t have a car so couldn?t visit on their own.

Drip drip. And bollocks, if they can get to you- train/bus/taxi they can get to the babies.

And of course family would see my d-i-l. But she?s not the most talkative of people so it?s not like she would be entertaining everyone.

What a horrible and bitchy thing to say. I'm sure she does appear shy around you- the problem is you.

She?s fairly shy around us.

Im not bloody surprised.

Also, I would be the organiser of the party. It was going to be at my house and obviously I would need to contact everyone about attending.

Get this if nothing else into your head. IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU.

Binkyridesagain · 16/01/2013 21:58

Is it really that difficult to be in a room full of family who want to congratulate you 8 weeks after having a baby?

Yes for some women it is,.

HeadfirstForHalos · 16/01/2013 21:58

She's shy around you? I'm not surprised she doesn't fucking talk to you.

Greensleeves · 16/01/2013 21:58

CloudsandTrees, do you often find yourself a lone voice? Because it seems everyone else reads the OP differently from you

CheeseStrawWars · 16/01/2013 21:58

You are Peggy Mitchell and I claim my £10.

PacificDogwood · 16/01/2013 21:59

CloudsAndTrees, I take your point, but I suspect that there is a big prior history here.
I had lots of family staying with us right after I had PFB DS1. But that was my/our choice. NOT my MiL (or in fact mother) advising us of what they expected to happen.
This is more about attitudes and relationships than actual 'how many people visit at any given time' IYKWIM.

I feel sorry for French too, but maybe for other reasons than you.

difficultpickle · 16/01/2013 21:59

Your poor poor dil. You honestly expect her to come to a party when her baby is 8 weeks old and go home and leave the baby with you? Utter madness.

Why can't you wait until the baby is older and have a party when it is say 6 months? Why are you so keen to put that sort of pressure on a new mother?

SuiGeneris · 16/01/2013 21:59

Can you really not see how selfish your posts (and views) are? Also, the wording of your posts suggests you do not consider DIL part of your family either (eg "family is coming to see son and grandson"). If you speak in the same way in which you write consider yourself fortunate DIL is still talking to you.

As for the photos, party etc, others have said it better than I, but to sum up:

If they said two visitors at the time, so it should have been. I was beyond cross when PILs and BIL and BIL's GF all piled into my hospital cubicle not even one hour after I had been discharged from HDU onto the normal maternity ward. The mere thought still makes me cross... I had just had the most horrible 36 hours in my life, had very nearly died and they piled in, sitting on the bed, chatting etc as if I had just had an ingrown toenail taken out.

Parties are not good for babies, especially not in winter with all the colds, vomiting bugs, whooping cough epidemic etc.

A very new mother is likely to be shattered, feeling awful and looking worse: why make her the centre of attention now instead of waiting when she is ready?

Leaving a newborn at a party (or anywhere other than where his mother is)??? Really? I do not know of anyone who would do this. Mother and baby come as a package or not at all.

Etc, etc, etc.

WorraLiberty · 16/01/2013 21:59

I genuinely thought MILs like you were a myth OP?!?

You know, something people started threads about because they're bored

Sadly, it seems not.

Inertia · 16/01/2013 22:00

How inconvenient for you that nobody's yet invented pregnancy-replacement incubating machines, so that your grandchild could have been grown from your son's sperm and a suitable egg (donor selected by you). What a pain that this baby has an actual real life mother, with the sheer nerve to not just disappear after producing your grandson. Instead she is putting the needs of her baby first and not pandering to your dictator tendencies whims - for heaven's sake, she won't even leave her newborn, possibly breastfed baby behind at a party with a load of people she doesn't know and in the charge of a woman who refuses to accept that she doesn't have ownership rights.

You seem to think the world revolves around what you want. You need to let your son and his new family come up for air, because you risk losing contact with them completely.

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