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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Son's wife and my grandchild

999 replies

Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 20:36

Hello
Have changed my name to protect privacy, I apologise in advance as this might be very long and rambling. Basically I want to get some views from you to help me sort this issue

The issue is that I feel pushed out of my son?s life. I get on ok with his wife but i have always found her difficult and this has been made worse since they had a child.

When she first had the baby they requested only 2 visitors at a time. I can understand that they didn?t want to be overwhelmed with guests but feel parents and siblings are different. I wanted to see the baby with my husband and other son. This meant that my other sons girlfriend needed to come as well. So there would have been 4 of us. My son stated to please stick to what was originally said. We did do this but I feel resentful that I didn?t agree to it first of all, and that I couldn?t see my boys all together. I know this may sound silly, but i wanted to take photos of my husband, and both sons holding the baby.

This has come to a head because I was trying to organise a family party so everyone could see baby. My son said it seemed a nice idea but thought his wife might find it a bit full on. Surprise surprise, she doesn?t think she?s up to it and wants to have time just the 3 of them. I suggested she might want to just come for a couple of hours and then go home to rest. But she said she?d be taking the baby home with her. She seems to forget that we are her child?s family and need to be included.

I have tried talking to my son about it and he understands. But things just stay the same and it is very frustrating.

OP posts:
Original poster
Frenchspeak · 17/01/2013 00:36

Hello ineedtochange. But he is a big dog. He is regularly sat near baby.

OP posts:
elizaregina · 17/01/2013 00:36

Could you video the family meeting and put it on YouTube? Grin

halfthesize · 17/01/2013 00:36

Grin honestly tortoise you have just made me laugh out loud, DH thinks I'm a nutterWink

PickledApples · 17/01/2013 00:36

You think the dog should be ignored, shut out, excluded, turfed out of it's usual routine? Yes I am sure that is an excellent way to ensure the dog does not view new baby as a threat. Hmm
(and I prefer cats ffs!)

LittleBearPad · 17/01/2013 00:36

I think the other son's girlfriend should bring the food, she bakes, as all proper women do. Could you also have a portrait of the queen in the room? Although her maj does like dogs. Tricky...

lurkedtoolong · 17/01/2013 00:36

I can't believe I am still reading this, but its strangely fascinating.

I know. I'm going to be here all night.

Eanair · 17/01/2013 00:37

Any reason why it's one son whom you help out and not the other?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 17/01/2013 00:37

You want all your sons attention. DIL threatens that. The dog threatens that. And soon you will resent the child for threatening that.

ineedtochange · 17/01/2013 00:37

Dogs like to be close to babies. If he is supervised and a good temperament it is all the better for him to be near to gauge the scent and appropriate behaviour. You said yourself he is never alone with the baby.

Original poster
Frenchspeak · 17/01/2013 00:37

Hello again ineedtochange. Oh yes, they adore him. Always fussing over him. D-i-l was stroking dog while had baby. Not safe.

OP posts:
ReneandGeorgetteMagritte · 17/01/2013 00:37

I just feel I need to point out that when I said 'shocking' after your comments about the dog, I was being sarcastic. It isn't shocking, it's normal.

Hope that's clear? Your reactions to peoples' comments on here are consistently twisting what's said to fit your ideas or just glossed over. I would like to hear some clear answers from you.

Do both sons and DILs know you only help one out?

Why do you think you need to bond with the baby?

Do you think continuing to force the issue with your DIL, especially when she has just had her baby and they are starting a new faze in their little family, is really going to help?

Why do you still believe that anything your son does which doesn't fit with your view of life is his wife's idea? Is he a doormat?

lurkedtoolong · 17/01/2013 00:37

You think the dog should be ignored, shut out, excluded, turfed out of it's usual routine?

Dog, DIL - all the same to OP

TuftyFinch · 17/01/2013 00:37

There you go you see. King Tut indeed. Who'd a thought it.
Shakespeare kept wolves. He had 12 of them.

piprabbit · 17/01/2013 00:37

Oh -I get it.

It's your place to sit in the middle of the room and be the queen bee?

CheerfulYank · 17/01/2013 00:37

It's perfectly safe for gentle dogs to around babies.

Bobyan · 17/01/2013 00:37

What about videoing the dog swimming? Would that help?

Lollydaydream · 17/01/2013 00:38

What in goodness name do you expect an 8 week old to do at a party for more than two hours anyway? You so remember 8 week olds generally eat, poo, get wind and scream, sometimes simultaneously. They aren't exactly entertaining.

merrymouse · 17/01/2013 00:38

I think you are right to be wary of the dog.

Most people would think that a dog that comes into a room for a stroke and then goes to its bed is very placid and well trained. But, trained to do what? I'd be cautious given your rather fraught relationship with the dog's owners....

elizaregina · 17/01/2013 00:38

French

Do you think dogs are " dirty" or even " filthy" ?

madbengal · 17/01/2013 00:38

I have just wasted an hour of my life readin your crap

My own mother is the exact same as you and she has missed out on my daughter who is 11, my sisters little boy and my other sisters 4 kids due to her thinking they, our families and the world owed her and we were all unreasonable if we dared disagree with what SHE wanted fuck our rights over our own kids

I have 3 cats had 3 of them when DD was born my mother told me to get them killed

She has never seen DD since

Think and then read and reread this thread til you get it through your head your the one who needs to back the fuck off else you will end up alone and will never see your grandkid again

I also really hope your DIL reads this

5madthings · 17/01/2013 00:38

Oh ffs get over the fucking dog!!

Seriously if this is remotely true you have issues.

Wtf am.i still reading this?!!

Original poster
Frenchspeak · 17/01/2013 00:39

Hello Eanair. My son with the baby has always worked hard, they saved up a good size deposit. It took my other son a while to find a suitable job and they moved to an expensive area.

OP posts:
NorthernLurker · 17/01/2013 00:39

So dil met your son, met you and then got her very own domestic wolf...... funny that! Check the garage - she's probably got a tank in there too I would have

Bobyan · 17/01/2013 00:39

mad I don't think dil exists...

Loislane78 · 17/01/2013 00:39

I don't have time to read all the thread so no doubt this has been said many times already but OP have you read your post back to yourself?

"I want, I feel, I suggested, I didn't agree to it first of all"... etc. see where I'm going with this? The only time you say you understand, it's followed with a 'but' and how it impacts you.

Guess what - it's not about you. If they requested 2 visitors at a time you should respect that and not disagree just because you want a specific photo, totally ridiculous. You have no idea how this woman feels and it may well not be how you felt.

I'm sure you've got good intentions but carry on like this and I'd hazard you won't be spending as much time as you want with that baby. Perhaps alter you'd behaviour and she might think you are a nice, reasonable person who she doesn't mind spending time with after all.