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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Son's wife and my grandchild

999 replies

Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 20:36

Hello
Have changed my name to protect privacy, I apologise in advance as this might be very long and rambling. Basically I want to get some views from you to help me sort this issue

The issue is that I feel pushed out of my son?s life. I get on ok with his wife but i have always found her difficult and this has been made worse since they had a child.

When she first had the baby they requested only 2 visitors at a time. I can understand that they didn?t want to be overwhelmed with guests but feel parents and siblings are different. I wanted to see the baby with my husband and other son. This meant that my other sons girlfriend needed to come as well. So there would have been 4 of us. My son stated to please stick to what was originally said. We did do this but I feel resentful that I didn?t agree to it first of all, and that I couldn?t see my boys all together. I know this may sound silly, but i wanted to take photos of my husband, and both sons holding the baby.

This has come to a head because I was trying to organise a family party so everyone could see baby. My son said it seemed a nice idea but thought his wife might find it a bit full on. Surprise surprise, she doesn?t think she?s up to it and wants to have time just the 3 of them. I suggested she might want to just come for a couple of hours and then go home to rest. But she said she?d be taking the baby home with her. She seems to forget that we are her child?s family and need to be included.

I have tried talking to my son about it and he understands. But things just stay the same and it is very frustrating.

OP posts:
lurkedtoolong · 17/01/2013 00:29

Bless, the DIL liking - gasp - celebrity shows was the giveaway. The evil dog was shark jumping.

I bet DIL hasn't even put the child down for a decent private school yet. Evil bitch.

MammaTJ · 17/01/2013 00:29

I don't have much to do with the dog, he is probably quite aggressive.

What makes you think he is probably quite agressive, when everything else you say about him Yes, they let him come in and sit on the rug or his bed. He always come up to my son and d-i-l for a stroke as well. makes him sound totally non agressive?

Even when baby is there.,Why ever not, the dog is actually only agressive in your head!!

Frenchspeak · 17/01/2013 00:30

Hello ReneandGeorgetteMagritte. I'm not aware of him fighting, but he is very large and looks like a wolf.

OP posts:
ceeveebee · 17/01/2013 00:30

Well at least it's not your other son

If you truely want to 'fix' this, do not try to force your DH into bullying his wife to do as you say - ask him what you can do to help.

And I am off to bed

DumSpiroSpero · 17/01/2013 00:30

So you're wanting your son to side with you against his own wife (presumably the other son's support is a given due to you having him on a string with your financial 'help')?

I sincerely hope that when he comes for lunch tomorrow he tells you to fuck off to the far side of fuck and when you get there fuck off some more.

PickledApples · 17/01/2013 00:31

Holy crap. The man has a newborn and you are taking up his lunch hour to come and mop your brow and pander to your emotional, attention-seeking blackmail??!!
Shock

Bobyan · 17/01/2013 00:31

But is she planning on taking the baby swimming soon?

ReneandGeorgetteMagritte · 17/01/2013 00:31

I have a very large dog too. He is not aggressive. My friend has a very small one, he is. Is this how you make all your judgements OP?

Primrose123 · 17/01/2013 00:31

Sorry, I don't believe this at all. I think it's a wind up.

EverybodyisdeadDave · 17/01/2013 00:31

I just want to talk to my sons so I can have support

It is your DIL who needs the support.

You seem to be requiring minions!

Do not get the other son involved. Do not go round to sort this out.

Apologise, butt out and stay that way.

Unless you are intentionally trying to drive a wedge between your son and his wife. I mean, if they split up and 50/50 custody, then 50% of that child's life you will be as involved as you like, as your son is not going to stand up to you is he?

CheerfulYank · 17/01/2013 00:31

What's wrong with playing with the dog's toys when the baby is there? Confused

5madthings · 17/01/2013 00:32

Ffs get over the dog!

You dont like dogs, we get that but they do and are doing nothing wrong.

Do not moan to your son about his wife!!

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 17/01/2013 00:32

In fact, I think a family meeting is called for. I think your other son, his girlfriend, your husband and all the other family members, who after all have a vested interest in this child, should meet and discuss the situation. It's not to be taken lightly, and solidarity is everything. Perhaps you could repurpose the catering arrangements from the Meet The Grandchild party, and use them for this conference?

Once you have a firm resolution, appoint the most suitable family member to convey the message. It's important that it's clear that this is a Family Message. These upstarts need to understand that this baby belongs to the Family and as such, decisions about its exposure to social events should be made jointly. I suggest, as you say, your other son should convey the message. After all, he is modelling the correct family values in his personal life, and is financially supported by you in doing so, so he's the right role model for the job.

Good luck!

TuftyFinch · 17/01/2013 00:32

They shouldn't let the dog sit in the rug. That can lead to all sorts of trouble.
.
I knew a dog that used to sit on a rig ... but that's a whole other thread.

Frenchspeak · 17/01/2013 00:32

Hello MammaTJ. It is not safe for a dog to be with babies. He is treated like a king. Has lots of chews as well.

OP posts:
DoodlesNoodles · 17/01/2013 00:32

frenchspeak I think you are making up things worse.

BitBewildered · 17/01/2013 00:33

Good God OP.

I bet your son didn't roll his eyes and swear when he got that text, oh no. I bet he was so pleased that his whining mother wanted to bad-mouth discuss his DW who has just given birth to his DD. I expect he'll love and respect you even more now! Hmm

Bobyan · 17/01/2013 00:33

Could you video the family meeting and put it on YouTube?

TuftyFinch · 17/01/2013 00:33

Grandma?

ineedtochange · 17/01/2013 00:34

It's their dog! They can stroke him around the baby! The dog is entitled to live in its own house with its owners. You know separating a dog from a new baby is much more dangerous, right? The dog will learn that he gets attention but isn't left alone with the baby - NO BIG DEAL. I have a Labrador and two children under 5. I must be the devil.

You don't need support. There is nobody in their right mind who would support you in this endeavour unless it was to stroke your immense sense of entitlement. You are so far over the line the line doesn't exist to you anymore.

Frenchspeak · 17/01/2013 00:34

Hello TuftyFinch. Exactly, he sits on the rug in the middle of the room. Sits there like king tut.

OP posts:
Bobyan · 17/01/2013 00:35

Maybe you could practise being a Grandma on the dog until your Dil is ready?

Delayingtactic · 17/01/2013 00:35

This can't be real. I just don't believe it. Part of me hopes that DIL is on mumsnet so she can see that she's not the crazy over possessive weird assed one.

But this thread has made me want to round to my MIL and just give her a hug. Cos she's awesome and recognises personal boundaries and that I've come from my own family. She even respects my opinion on raising my DS, her only grandchild from her only child. Heaven help your DIL who must have the patience of a saint.

Alligatorpie · 17/01/2013 00:35

I can't believe I am still reading this, but its strangely fascinating.

ineedtochange · 17/01/2013 00:35

Ok. The dog thing has me believing this is a wind up now for sure. Nobody can be that short sighted when it comes to an obviously adored dog.

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