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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Son's wife and my grandchild

999 replies

Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 20:36

Hello
Have changed my name to protect privacy, I apologise in advance as this might be very long and rambling. Basically I want to get some views from you to help me sort this issue

The issue is that I feel pushed out of my son?s life. I get on ok with his wife but i have always found her difficult and this has been made worse since they had a child.

When she first had the baby they requested only 2 visitors at a time. I can understand that they didn?t want to be overwhelmed with guests but feel parents and siblings are different. I wanted to see the baby with my husband and other son. This meant that my other sons girlfriend needed to come as well. So there would have been 4 of us. My son stated to please stick to what was originally said. We did do this but I feel resentful that I didn?t agree to it first of all, and that I couldn?t see my boys all together. I know this may sound silly, but i wanted to take photos of my husband, and both sons holding the baby.

This has come to a head because I was trying to organise a family party so everyone could see baby. My son said it seemed a nice idea but thought his wife might find it a bit full on. Surprise surprise, she doesn?t think she?s up to it and wants to have time just the 3 of them. I suggested she might want to just come for a couple of hours and then go home to rest. But she said she?d be taking the baby home with her. She seems to forget that we are her child?s family and need to be included.

I have tried talking to my son about it and he understands. But things just stay the same and it is very frustrating.

OP posts:
TuftyFinch · 17/01/2013 00:23

10 gets 50 the dog doesn't like you.

ReneandGeorgetteMagritte · 17/01/2013 00:23

HAHAHAHA! He's even allowed in there when you visit? The dog is allowed in the house he lives in when you visit.

Shocker.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 17/01/2013 00:23

Sadly I believe it could be.

My GM treated my mum similarly for ten years.

My mum and dad then cut that whole side of the family off. Completely.

HannahsSister40 · 17/01/2013 00:23

I don't think it's real either. It can't be.
The OP needs to realise that her childish, controlling behaviour is going to prevent the very thing she says she wants: to see her grandchild.
It's a no brainer.
Keep on behaving like this OP and you are guaranteed a cool, uninvolved, rarely-there relationship with this child.

mumeeee · 17/01/2013 00:24

OP you don't need to bond with the baby, The baby is not your child and you will get to see him as he grows up if you back of now anfd let them be a family, But if you cary on as you are they may well stop you seeing him. DD1 is married but they haven't any children yt, When they do I am going to let them be a family.

Frenchspeak · 17/01/2013 00:24

Hello ceeveebee. I just want to talk to my sons so I can have support. I am not some sort of evil witch. I have texted my son and asked if he can pop round tomorrow on his lunch break.

OP posts:
wannabedomesticgoddess · 17/01/2013 00:25

You want support. Its all about you isnt it. Jesus.

HannahsSister40 · 17/01/2013 00:25

support? You mean so you can rally round a pack of people who will be 'on your side' against the DIL you feel threatened by?

ReneandGeorgetteMagritte · 17/01/2013 00:25

so you have ignored all the DILs on here telling you that is a bad idea and will make things worse then?

ceeveebee · 17/01/2013 00:25

Which son French?

ReneandGeorgetteMagritte · 17/01/2013 00:26

OP why do you feel you have the right to bond with the baby?

NorthernLurker · 17/01/2013 00:26

Grin at baby needing to bond with mil, fil, bil, bil's gf (who sews and bakes like a proper woman) and all the extended family...........

Look OP - why don't you just get one of your button men to take out the dil and then you can have your 'family' all to yourself

Grin Very funny thread. Loving the dog. Nice touch. Do you want to tell us how hard your ds works? Doubtless evil dil will be putting the baby in nursery instead of leaving them with you. Have you a view on that?

HannahsSister40 · 17/01/2013 00:26

bullying behaviour. Every episode like this causing a deeper rift.
I'd be amazed if you have any kind of relationship with this baby if your DIL has any sense she'll keep you away

LittleBearPad · 17/01/2013 00:26

Why do you need support? Confused

Frenchspeak · 17/01/2013 00:26

Hello TuftyFinch. I don't have much to do with the dog, he is probably quite aggressive.

Hello ReneandGeorgetteMagritte. Yes, they let him come in and sit on the rug or his bed. He always come up to my son and d-i-l for a stroke as well. Even when baby is there.

OP posts:
scarlettsmummy2 · 17/01/2013 00:27

You sound exactly like my completely self obsessed, selfish mil. We had an ok relationship before first baby, barely on speaking terms after number two. You honestly are heading the same way.

With my mother in law the main issue was she had desperately wanted a baby girl of her own, didn't get one, and then basically couldn't accept that my daughter was not actually hers, and that I had my own life and could not be at her beck and call when it suited her. She never offered any practical support, just wanted to play dress up with my baby.

How much help have you actually been for your daughter in law? I can't believe you haven't even cooked a meal! What about going round, ignoring the baby, and doing some ironing! Maybe if you could be a support rather than a hindrance you would get somewhere!

ReneandGeorgetteMagritte · 17/01/2013 00:27

And why is that wrong exactly?

Frenchspeak · 17/01/2013 00:27

Hello again ceeveebee. My son with the baby.

OP posts:
ReneandGeorgetteMagritte · 17/01/2013 00:28

he is probably quite aggressive is that based on fact?

LineRunner · 17/01/2013 00:28

It can't be the son she gives the money to because he buggered off to a place of safety.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 17/01/2013 00:29

You don't need to discuss this with your other son. All you need to do is respect you DIL's wishes to the letter. She's just given birth and is settling into motherhood and needs her space. She is quite happy for you to visit as long as you go alone or with one other. That is perfectly reasonable for now. The way to ensure positive bonding with your granddaughter is by having a good relationship with both her parents now and bonding more with her once she is older.

Back off or you'll alienate everyone.

Frenchspeak · 17/01/2013 00:29

Hello ReneandGeorgetteMagritte. He is a big hulk of a thing and it is not right. D-i-l fusses over him, playing with his toys etc. Even when baby is there.

OP posts:
TuftyFinch · 17/01/2013 00:29

Probably he is. I expect he growls at you. But no one else.
Dogs are odd aren't they?
Turkey sandwich.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 17/01/2013 00:29

Oh for fucks sake.

Leave him alone. Hes got a young baby and now you are monopolising his lunch time too?

Just stop. Get a fucking hobby and let your sons live their lives.

ReneandGeorgetteMagritte · 17/01/2013 00:29

So it's supposition on your part that he is aggressive then?

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