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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Son's wife and my grandchild

999 replies

Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 20:36

Hello
Have changed my name to protect privacy, I apologise in advance as this might be very long and rambling. Basically I want to get some views from you to help me sort this issue

The issue is that I feel pushed out of my son?s life. I get on ok with his wife but i have always found her difficult and this has been made worse since they had a child.

When she first had the baby they requested only 2 visitors at a time. I can understand that they didn?t want to be overwhelmed with guests but feel parents and siblings are different. I wanted to see the baby with my husband and other son. This meant that my other sons girlfriend needed to come as well. So there would have been 4 of us. My son stated to please stick to what was originally said. We did do this but I feel resentful that I didn?t agree to it first of all, and that I couldn?t see my boys all together. I know this may sound silly, but i wanted to take photos of my husband, and both sons holding the baby.

This has come to a head because I was trying to organise a family party so everyone could see baby. My son said it seemed a nice idea but thought his wife might find it a bit full on. Surprise surprise, she doesn?t think she?s up to it and wants to have time just the 3 of them. I suggested she might want to just come for a couple of hours and then go home to rest. But she said she?d be taking the baby home with her. She seems to forget that we are her child?s family and need to be included.

I have tried talking to my son about it and he understands. But things just stay the same and it is very frustrating.

OP posts:
Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 17/01/2013 00:16

Yes, quite right OP. Best that your wishes be communicated by the other brother.

Original poster
Frenchspeak · 17/01/2013 00:16

Hello juniper904. Oh she does look after the dog properly. Treats him like a king!

OP posts:
5madthings · 17/01/2013 00:16

And yet another complaint, so fucking what if he walks the dog more?!!

Newforestpony · 17/01/2013 00:16

I've just read all of this thread - truly amazing!

My MIL is a superstar! Luckily she is nothing like the OP!!!

On the other hand my own brother was horrific to me for over 3 years before our son arrived. We now haven't spoken for at least the last 4 years. I have had to tell my parents that he is dead as far as I am concerned because of how dreadful he was - rather similar to you, dear OP. Thought he knew best, never listened to anyone else's opinion, oh and thought he was far more capable a parent to my beloved son. Well, he never got to hold him after his outrageous attitude, has only seen him maybe 5 times in 4 years and is not invited to any family functions whatsoever.

Dear OP - take this as a serious warning. Just like you, your DIL will not want to be forced into something she doesn't want to do. She is seeing you currently under protest, but continue behaving as you are and you too will NOT be included.

EverybodyisdeadDave · 17/01/2013 00:16

"Because my son needs to know it is not only me that feels like this."

oooh.....so your son needs to know his entire family thinks his wife is unreasonable...so when you go to get it sorted, he can agree with you his wife is being a daft bint and you can have your way, I get it now!

Btw, how it can be resolved, it by you apologising and then backing the heck off.

I hope this is a wind up actually.

juniper904 · 17/01/2013 00:17

But you just said that she leaves your son to walk him? Surely that's to your disapproval?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 17/01/2013 00:17

News to you op, DD2 sleeps in a second hand moses basket that cost us £20 Shock

All our baby things cost less than £500.

Talking to your other son is just another opportunity for you to hear that you are right from a son who has been conditioned to agree with his mother. I wonder if the reason he doesnt get along with his SIL is due to your poisoning him against her. You are toxic.

merrymouse · 17/01/2013 00:17

I think you jumped the shark with the brother's girlfriend having to bond with the baby.

HannahsSister40 · 17/01/2013 00:17

No, French,
you do NOT need to bond with the baby.
Only the parents do.
You have no rights over that baby whatsoever.
Can you see how selfish you are, can you?

5madthings · 17/01/2013 00:17

No you don't need to bind with the baby, that will come with time! Right now the baby needs its mum and dad, end of.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 17/01/2013 00:18

You don't need to bond with her baby, you want to, but you don't need to neither does your other son or his girlfriend or anyone else apart from your dil and her husband.

DumSpiroSpero · 17/01/2013 00:19

You sound terrifyingly like my MIL - old fashioned views re politics and royals, insisting on buying stupidly expensive household stuff that is then expected to last 200 years - if it wasn't for the fact that my DD is 8 years old, I'd be getting a bit paranoid by now.

We also had the bending over backward to include BIL 'because he is childless' by his own choice so wtf that's relevant is anyone's guess, and the 'no friends outside the family' thing.

Can I ask - did you have sisters and what was your relationship with them and your mum like?

My MIL had a poor relationship with her mum, no sisters and has reigned supreme over her DH and sons for years. As a consequence she has no clue whatsoever about what normal mother-daughter relationships look like and is royal pita with trying to control things and butt in. She has a very limited relationship with her two older grandchildren, so mine, being the youngest and nearest is now the main focus of her attention (or as she put it recently 'I know I've raised my boys, but she is my life' Shock). She is also insanely jealous of the relationship DD has with my mum, even though she keeps insisting 'it's not a competition'.

As you may guess she drives me mental, and if I never set eyes on her again I wouldn't lose any sleep.

That said, even my MIL was nowhere near as delusional and intrusive when I had just given birth as you seem hell-bent on being.

If you cannot listen to sense for your DIL's sake, listen to it for your own:

*If you do not back off and stop being so bloody self-obsessed and interfering you will lose not only your DIL but also your son and grandchild."

Original poster
Frenchspeak · 17/01/2013 00:19

Hello again juniper904. Yes my son walks him more. She is quite small so don't think she should have a big dog if I am honest. But she lets him have his bed in the living room. He's even allowed in there when we visit.

OP posts:
ReneandGeorgetteMagritte · 17/01/2013 00:19

We have never had a dog so I don't know why my son wanted one.

Another example of your inability to see your son may have ideas outside the life he knew with you now he is a grown up.

Do not speak to the brother you help out financially (does your other son and DIL know this?), it is none of his business. Apologise to your son and ask him to pass that on to your DIL. Then ask if there is anything you can do to help. Wait until you get a reply. If it's no, accept this and maybe offer again in a couple of weeks.

You do not need to call a family conference, you need to leave them be to live their own lives in their own family unit. You are extended family.

HannahsSister40 · 17/01/2013 00:19

3 of us posted the same thing at the same time!
but the poor deluded op will still think she's right

elizaregina · 17/01/2013 00:20

so what if he is taking it for walks - dogs are brilliant for that - mood boosters - get you into the open air - which is a natural mood enhancer - as well as the benfits of exercise - esp if he sits in an office all day.

Maybe a little pretty dog is exactly what YOU NEED. To fuss over and baby and boss around....and show off.

LittleBearPad · 17/01/2013 00:20

No you don't need to bond with the baby, not like your DIL does. I said it before, back off.

This can't be real

SneakyNuts · 17/01/2013 00:21

Take your face for a shit will you.

Original poster
Frenchspeak · 17/01/2013 00:21

Hello elizaregina. Yes my son does work in an office but he is quite active. I am not so keen on dogs.

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 17/01/2013 00:22

You truly are a bitch OP!

MNHQ, I know this will be removed and I'm sorry to make the work for you, but I have sat on my hands too much and have now got pins and needles! Grin

OP, the above was not an apology to you!

ineedtochange · 17/01/2013 00:22

I'm baffled. This really has to be a wind up. If it isn't I'm thanking my lucky stars that my MIL is not as bad as you and honestly, I thought she was bad!

Talking to your children and DH is not going to solve a thing but it will make your DS and 'his wife' think about you as a person.

You are not entitled to bond with your DS' baby nor are your husband or other DS. The only people entitled are the baby's PARENTS. You're lucky if you get to but if you don't then its not your right.

Everyone likes babies but at 6 weeks that baby needs to be with whoever the parents feel they want to include and that obviously doesn't include you, your husband, your son, his girlfriend and various family members.

Go away for a bit or they will mAke you.

ceeveebee · 17/01/2013 00:22

French please do not speak to your other son about this.

What are you trying to achieve? If you just want to stamp your foot and get your own way, then maybe talking to your boys and then all ganging up on DIL might achieve that. In the short term. She will resent you and will cause friction with her DH, and over time you may drive such a wedge between you and her that you find yourself completely shut out

If instead you want to mend your relationship with DIL, then talk to her- don't be passive aggressive - listen to her and try to support and help her - in the long term you'll be more and more involved instead of being shut out

ReneandGeorgetteMagritte · 17/01/2013 00:22

YOU DON'T NEED TO BOND WITH THE BABY.

MrsHoarder · 17/01/2013 00:22

Under £1200?? My PfB had less than £200 spent on his furniture.

You need to apologise. Offer food for the freezer cooked in meals and whenever you feel your DiL is being overly precious, remember those days when you had a tiny newborn. Specifically remember what stitches down there felt like, how pooing felt and what it was like to bleed for weeks on end.

Think about that whilst you count to 20 before letting any criticism of your DiL pass your lips, remember that she has made your GS and it was bloody hard work and she deserves understanding and TLC, not criticism. If your relationships with her survives the early baby days then you will have years of taking GC to the park, teas with all the family (even DiL) etc. If not, then don't be surprised if the first you learn of the big family Christening they held to introduce the baby is after it.

PickledApples · 17/01/2013 00:23

No, no, no. You don't need to bond at all.
That bundle was living and growing inside your daughter-in-laws tummy for 9 months. She gave birth to her. (No doubt you have many interesting views on pregnancy, childbirth and child rearing...) You can never, ever, compete with that or even attempt to put your role as family members on a par with that.

Your continued ignorance and dismissal of 100% of the opinion on this thread only paints a clearer picture of your true possibly fictional character.

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