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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Son's wife and my grandchild

999 replies

Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 20:36

Hello
Have changed my name to protect privacy, I apologise in advance as this might be very long and rambling. Basically I want to get some views from you to help me sort this issue

The issue is that I feel pushed out of my son?s life. I get on ok with his wife but i have always found her difficult and this has been made worse since they had a child.

When she first had the baby they requested only 2 visitors at a time. I can understand that they didn?t want to be overwhelmed with guests but feel parents and siblings are different. I wanted to see the baby with my husband and other son. This meant that my other sons girlfriend needed to come as well. So there would have been 4 of us. My son stated to please stick to what was originally said. We did do this but I feel resentful that I didn?t agree to it first of all, and that I couldn?t see my boys all together. I know this may sound silly, but i wanted to take photos of my husband, and both sons holding the baby.

This has come to a head because I was trying to organise a family party so everyone could see baby. My son said it seemed a nice idea but thought his wife might find it a bit full on. Surprise surprise, she doesn?t think she?s up to it and wants to have time just the 3 of them. I suggested she might want to just come for a couple of hours and then go home to rest. But she said she?d be taking the baby home with her. She seems to forget that we are her child?s family and need to be included.

I have tried talking to my son about it and he understands. But things just stay the same and it is very frustrating.

OP posts:
joanofarchitrave · 17/01/2013 00:09

'I am going to talk to my other son so that he can talk to his brother. Then I will speak to my son and figure out a way of making things better'

about what?

Send HER a card saying that you were thinking of her maybe? If you can leave off from writing any advice or instructions.

Blending · 17/01/2013 00:09

Fantastic wind up!

MrsBonkers · 17/01/2013 00:09

Marking place to catch up on the madness tomorrow. Night all.

5madthings · 17/01/2013 00:10

So what the dog is big, its none if your businesses why your sin wanted a dog, tho perhaps its because you would never met him have one?

Again stop judging, they want a dog and are responsible pet owners, there ius no problem then.

piprabbit · 17/01/2013 00:10

But you are the only one who feels like this.

Your DH can't be bothered getting involved and your other DSon only went to visit the baby because you dragged him round there.

PickledApples · 17/01/2013 00:10

What makes you think anyone gives a flying fuck what you or your prodigal other son think?!

Go on - go ahead - lay your cards on the table, throw your weight around, show your true colours. Then they can cut you off and run for the hills.

Under £1200?
Cheap bastards. Hmm

ZenNudist · 17/01/2013 00:10

BiscuitBiscuitBiscuitBiscuit

Just that really, you overcooked it OP

elizaregina · 17/01/2013 00:11

"We have never had a dog so I don't know why my son wanted one. "

HMMMM - maybe thats WHY he wanted one!!! Maybe your DIL wanted one and now he LOVES IT...he missed having a dog as a child!

Anyway if this is my CROSS I HAVE TO BEAR - I hope you get the message on here from 574 posters....

If this is for real your poor DIL I would love to speak to her....and offer her my deepest commiserations..

CSIJanner · 17/01/2013 00:11

Eine minutum bitte!

You help them out financially? Do you also help out your other son? Does this somehow make you feel entitled to comment on every aspect of their lives? Because that's exactly how you are coming across - entitled and acting like you've been slighted by some quite reasonable requests from new parents.

I agree with PP - people appear to agree with you because it's the easier path with less aggro. Bravo to your DIL for sticking to her guns. And if I read correctly below, your new GC is a girl and you have two boys? Sounds like my MIL who was overjoyed to have her own granddaughter. Stop it now and give yourself a slap. BTW - has anyone else mentioned that YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS over your GC. Your GC is not a doll nor yours to pass around like a trophy. Don't even talk to your son - it will get more backs up. Just gently ease into the background and offer support as and when your DIL, whose behaviour from your own words probably finds you overbearing and stifling, might allow you more than the cursory cuddle.

DoodlesNoodles · 17/01/2013 00:11

Okay, I can't bare it anymore, I am calling.......

Grin
Frenchspeak · 17/01/2013 00:11

Hello again joanofarchitrave. Discuss with my other son how I feel and how it can be resolved. Ask him to speak with his brother.

OP posts:
SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit · 17/01/2013 00:12

OP, don't speak to anyone. Have a trial of keeping your thoughts to yourself. Let your son and his wife (!) come to you when they are ready. Do not mention her to your other son and his girlfriend as you will only drop in nasty comments such as those we've seen tonight.
Can you knit or sew? Make something beautiful for the baby and practise not being nasty. Think nice thoughts while you do it about how proud you are of your son, his wife and their baby.

juniper904 · 17/01/2013 00:12

FFS

My very first Biscuit

Enjoy. I'm sure you'll find fault with it. It's not home baked, for one.

Frenchspeak · 17/01/2013 00:13

Hello CSIJanner. I help out financially with my other son, not my son with the baby.

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 17/01/2013 00:13

Speak to his brother about what?!?!

BitBewildered · 17/01/2013 00:13

You misunderstood me. I will spell it out for you:

Your DiL is bonding with her child. Do NOT intrude.
Your son agrees with her.

The rest of you are currently unnecessary clutter in their lives because you are behaving like an unpleasant, judgmental person. It's all your fault.

DoodlesNoodles · 17/01/2013 00:13

Of course I meant bear. Blush

Frenchspeak · 17/01/2013 00:14

Hello elizaregina. I don't know why he wanted a dog. She loves them so probably why. He seems to take it for a walk a lot more than here though it has to be said.

OP posts:
mumeeee · 17/01/2013 00:15

YABVU you need to nack off and let your son.DIL and thier baby be a family.

Iceaddict · 17/01/2013 00:15

Good call doodles

juniper904 · 17/01/2013 00:15

Oh god, she's not even looking after the dog properly?

Do you have a single positive thing to say about your DIL?

Frenchspeak · 17/01/2013 00:15

Hello again BitBewildered. I know she is bonding with the baby, but I need to as well. As does my husband, other son and his girlfriend. Not to mention all the other family members.

OP posts:
AndFanjoWasHisNameO · 17/01/2013 00:15

Y'know, if this is a wind up-you've upset quite a few of us by reminding us that you are like our toxic MILs Angry
However, if not....... Please back off, my MIL insists on involving my gobshite BIL in any decisions about ME. She insisted my DH collect him from the station an hour after my C Section, stopped speaking to me when I didn't want them both staying in our small flat once I came home from hospital etc. I could write a book! Essentially I think that as the mum of boys, she has different perceptions of what is acceptable to other women. But as I have said to her and will say to you-you aren't married to me/your DIL.
You don't have to be madly in love with her, accept her as your son 's choice and try and love her differences rather than see them as failings. Who gives a shit if she can't bake-that's why we have Mr Kipling.
Take some of the wonderful advice on here and you may repair your relationship enough to be a welcome addition to their lives.

mumeeee · 17/01/2013 00:15

I meant to back ogg not nack off of course.

SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit · 17/01/2013 00:15

Stop stirring. This has nothing to do with his brother. You are making problems for your son and his wife. Stop it.