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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Son's wife and my grandchild

999 replies

Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 20:36

Hello
Have changed my name to protect privacy, I apologise in advance as this might be very long and rambling. Basically I want to get some views from you to help me sort this issue

The issue is that I feel pushed out of my son?s life. I get on ok with his wife but i have always found her difficult and this has been made worse since they had a child.

When she first had the baby they requested only 2 visitors at a time. I can understand that they didn?t want to be overwhelmed with guests but feel parents and siblings are different. I wanted to see the baby with my husband and other son. This meant that my other sons girlfriend needed to come as well. So there would have been 4 of us. My son stated to please stick to what was originally said. We did do this but I feel resentful that I didn?t agree to it first of all, and that I couldn?t see my boys all together. I know this may sound silly, but i wanted to take photos of my husband, and both sons holding the baby.

This has come to a head because I was trying to organise a family party so everyone could see baby. My son said it seemed a nice idea but thought his wife might find it a bit full on. Surprise surprise, she doesn?t think she?s up to it and wants to have time just the 3 of them. I suggested she might want to just come for a couple of hours and then go home to rest. But she said she?d be taking the baby home with her. She seems to forget that we are her child?s family and need to be included.

I have tried talking to my son about it and he understands. But things just stay the same and it is very frustrating.

OP posts:

merrymouse · 16/01/2013 23:56

Where did you think they should have bought it?

EverybodyisdeadDave · 16/01/2013 23:56

"Also, regarding the furniture they bought for my grandchilds bedroom" you mean the furniture they bought for their child?

Anyway, we had a £35 Ikea cot that lasted years. Do you always feel the need to express an opinion on the choices your Ds and Dil make, and do you do it to the other Ds and GF, the one you really like, who is like you?

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 16/01/2013 23:56

And what exactly has their babies sleeping arrangements got to do with you not that I believe this is real anymore

flossy101 · 16/01/2013 23:57

Hello frenchspeak. It's taken me nearly an hour to read all this.

YOU ARE MOST DEFINITELY BEING UNREASONABLE.

About everything.

Original poster

Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 23:57

Hello again EverybodyisdeadDave. My other son has not bought his own house yet so the furniture is not an issue. Though we do help them out financially.

OP posts:

5madthings · 16/01/2013 23:58

Ooh 5 actually and yes do back off.

Mothercare furniture is perfectly fine bye and not cheap either, they could have spent much less at ijea for example.

joanofarchitrave · 16/01/2013 23:58

Hmmm

Oh well... Note that you talk to your son, he agrees but 'nothing changes'... you talk to your husband, he agrees but you are left to 'put your foot down'... you suggest to your other son that he visits his brother, he makes positive noises but unless you physically take him there, he doesn't.

You are the one that your 'boys' agree with to keep the peace. That's how the family you created works. Your DIL never signed up to that contract, and now she's creating a family of her own. Enjoy the privilege of having someone in your extended family who actually tells you what they are feeling.

Even if she is a really terrible parent and an awful person.... you STILL don't have any 'rights' over the baby.

Original poster

Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 23:58

Hello flossy101. I am going to take on board the comments and try to put this right.

OP posts:

wannabedomesticgoddess · 16/01/2013 23:58

NOTHING NEEDS TO BE DONE!!!!!!!!!

What the fuck do you expect your sons to do? He has married this woman. She is his life now. Get. Over. It.

thebitchdoctor · 16/01/2013 23:58

This has got to be a wind up surely!

Otherwise, OP, you're a nightmare MIL and you need to back the fuck off and then back off a little bit more.

What are you going to say to your son tomorrow then?

ReneandGeorgetteMagritte · 16/01/2013 23:58

I feel sorry for your son too- knowing that every time he and his wife decide on something he knows won't fit with you he must be dreading your reaction.

MammaTJ · 16/01/2013 23:59

Anyone else hoping that the new mum in question has joined MN and will show her husband this thread herself rather than let the MIL from hell tell him her edited version?

Clearly her version is very much edited, she isn't answering any of the people telling her firmly she IBU and that is just on the threadm what she tells him is going to be so much worse.

How will you feel OP if she has already shown him? Then you get called out for lying and saying hirrible things about her! It will not be her disowning you then, but your own son fro you being so nasty about the woman he loves and is building a family with. You are a nasty piece of work. That poor woman can do no right in your eyes. You even say she is quiet with your family because she is outnumbered and somehow that is her fault, not yours and your family because you make her feel that way instead of welcoming her.

Grapesoda · 16/01/2013 23:59

5madthings · 16/01/2013 23:59

Btwyou don't need to talk to your sons, you simply need to make amends with your dil if indeed you are real

ReneandGeorgetteMagritte · 17/01/2013 00:00

what are you planning to do OP?

Original poster

Frenchspeak · 17/01/2013 00:00

Hello joanofarchitrave. My other son did want to visit but doesn't always get on too well with my other sons wife. So it is better if we all go. Also, he probably didn't want to disturb them.

OP posts:

DeDevilTail · 17/01/2013 00:00

MiL, is that you?

If it weren't for the fact that I know my MiL can't operate a PC, I would swear this was her. Right down to the disapproval of the big dog.

Here, OP, let me give you a leg up and maybe you can get over yourself.

EverybodyisdeadDave · 17/01/2013 00:01

" But my other son is in agreement as we have discussed this before."

You have discussed with your other son how wrong you think his brother's wife is? Is that what that means?

And my previous question was not about furniture really, it was if you state your disagreement with the other sons life decisions, and tell him he is wrong to do such and such, as you have done with the moving in, engagement and furniture choices of the other son and his chosen partner....

PickledApples · 17/01/2013 00:01

Oh you are on the wind up now.
"other girlfriend more traditional"
"takes care of son"
"at least she irons shirts"
"our views / gets outnumbered"

Puh-lease. You haven't raised a very competent son if he needs looking after and can't use an iron.

Your other son lives far away? How strange.

You are every DILs nightmare - nothing good enough, opinion on everything, delusions of grandeur and self-imposed matriarchy. Second only to those fruit loops who kit out an entire nursery at their own house and insist on over-night stays from a few weeks old.

OP, if you're real, give it a rest. This level of pernickitiness is not healthy for anyone. Your son is a grown man leading his own life - embrace it and encourage it - there is a tiny baby at the heart of all this. That it is cared for and loved is all that matters.

BitBewildered · 17/01/2013 00:01

Your son chose her though didn't he? He chose to marry and start a family with her and chooses to agree with her about dogs and furniture, visitors and parties. Presumably you're pleased he's found someone to be in love with? Why are you being so critical of her? Didn't you and your DH make the same sorts of decisions together when your children were born?

Original poster

Frenchspeak · 17/01/2013 00:02

Hello ReneandGeorgetteMagritte. I am going to talk to my other son so that he can talk to his brother. Then I will speak to my son and figure out a way of making things better.

OP posts:

ceeveebee · 17/01/2013 00:02

Why are you planning to speak to both your sons about this - your other son has got nothing to do with your DILs choices - sounds like you're planning on ganging up on her.
I feel very sorry for your poor DIL.

Nuttyfilly · 17/01/2013 00:02

Oh my days! You are poison! Leave them alone to get on with there life! What they buy, what they choose to do or the way they want to bring up baby is of no concern of yours at all! Get a grip of yourself! Your just like my ex mil.... She is now banned from seeing my ds because she caused so much trouble.

MammaTJ · 17/01/2013 00:02

My other son did want to visit but doesn't always get on too well with my other sons wife

Perhaps he should just stay away for the moment!! It is not her fault!!

merrymouse · 17/01/2013 00:03

I am not convinced by this thread. Have checked and mothercare nursery furniture packages are surprisingly expensive.

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