Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Son's wife and my grandchild

999 replies

Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 20:36

Hello
Have changed my name to protect privacy, I apologise in advance as this might be very long and rambling. Basically I want to get some views from you to help me sort this issue

The issue is that I feel pushed out of my son?s life. I get on ok with his wife but i have always found her difficult and this has been made worse since they had a child.

When she first had the baby they requested only 2 visitors at a time. I can understand that they didn?t want to be overwhelmed with guests but feel parents and siblings are different. I wanted to see the baby with my husband and other son. This meant that my other sons girlfriend needed to come as well. So there would have been 4 of us. My son stated to please stick to what was originally said. We did do this but I feel resentful that I didn?t agree to it first of all, and that I couldn?t see my boys all together. I know this may sound silly, but i wanted to take photos of my husband, and both sons holding the baby.

This has come to a head because I was trying to organise a family party so everyone could see baby. My son said it seemed a nice idea but thought his wife might find it a bit full on. Surprise surprise, she doesn?t think she?s up to it and wants to have time just the 3 of them. I suggested she might want to just come for a couple of hours and then go home to rest. But she said she?d be taking the baby home with her. She seems to forget that we are her child?s family and need to be included.

I have tried talking to my son about it and he understands. But things just stay the same and it is very frustrating.

OP posts:
BeaWheesht · 16/01/2013 23:47

OMG I didn't think there was anyone like my MiL out there but there's you OP. Wow.

My MiL interfered and visited unannounced and demanded to feed my baby even though he was breastfed (I was supposed to let her give him a bottle, BiL even called up to 'put his foot down' about it)

Well, my kids are 6 and 2 now and it's only very very recently I have let her babysit and that's only because she's backed off a lot since her favourite other son had kids (and incidentally his wife totally rules the roost, no interference allowed).

So, if that's the kind of relationship you want with your family just you go ahead.

elizaregina · 16/01/2013 23:48

"Hello Salmotrutta. Yes she does have some political views and on the royal family. To be fair she does iron my sons shirts. "

I feel this is a well known much maligned journo we all know who doesnt have children and who loves horses....

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 16/01/2013 23:48

Oh, do tell us about the furniture

Original poster
Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 23:49

Hello BeaWheesht. Believe, I am trying to put this right. I am going to speak to my sons about it tomorrow.

OP posts:
ReneandGeorgetteMagritte · 16/01/2013 23:49

Oh god, that last comment reminds me of my in-laws. They still believe DH doesn't really agree with me, and that any ideas he comes up with that they don't like are actually my ideas. It is so obvious from their reaction to things, they never hear their son's protests to the contrary. Truth is, according to DH, they don't know the real him. They see him still as he was when a boy, they forget that he might have grown up and formed his own opinions. Some of which may be at odds with those he grew up with.

I mean, which is more likely- that he still secretly holds all these opinions which match yours and not those of the person he has chosen to spend his life with, or that he really does agree with her but is cautious about that in front of you knowing you believe your ideas are always the right ones.

I know my MIL sees me as a little bit of an oddball. Fortunately they are both kind and lovely people, so although they do things very differently to us and we had to point out that we didn't want to do it that way, they have always supported us totally in that. Because of that, because I know she respects that, I am more likely to trust her with my children.

Your DIL is different to you, your son most likely is too, accept it. It does not mean they are doing it wrong.

MollyMurphy · 16/01/2013 23:49

I was ready to say the 2 visitor thing was a bit precious, but several of your comments seem like red flags to me......"your in-laws always had a say" - in what? Why would 2 other adults forming their own family need or want your opinions and "say". They are adults - you need to form a new type of relationship with them outside of mothering or you'll do them and yourself no favors.

I am much more quiet and introverted around my PILs - I bet they feel similarly about me as you do about your DIL in fact. We just don't have much in common and they annoy me by being pushy - which doesn't help their plight to be included.

The kiddo's been here 6 weeks. Calm down

CSIJanner · 16/01/2013 23:49

Just marking my spot... I've read this far - want to see how loony it gets

Grin
IneedAsockamnesty · 16/01/2013 23:50

If I was the gm and the mum was my daughter I would expect her to slap me if the mum was my dil I would expect my son tell me to back off if he didnt I would be ashamed of myself for bringing him up in such a bad way.

Original poster
Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 23:50

Hello Tortoiseonthehalfshell. It was not a major issue. I felt they should have purchased better furniture. She said it wouldn't be used for long and they would rather save the money for furniture when the child is older and needs a proper bed etc.

OP posts:
wannabedomesticgoddess · 16/01/2013 23:51

Yes, Id love to hear about the furniture too. :o

ReneandGeorgetteMagritte · 16/01/2013 23:51

gosh, that moved on rather! I meant this comment

She holds some strong views on subjects that are at odds with our views. My son then usually agrees with her or discusses it. Though I don't think he actually agrees deep down, just wants to help us all get along.

5madthings · 16/01/2013 23:51

I am sure your son was able to decide if he was ready to be engaged and move in together. And what has the furniture for the babies room got to do with you?!

Makes notes in the kind of mil NOT to be when the 4madboys get okder,.

BTW op you never answered, do you not think your other sons girlfriends family would like to spend time with them? Do you not think your son should make more of an effort with his in-laws?

merrymouse · 16/01/2013 23:52

Where did they buy their furniture and what did you recommend?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 16/01/2013 23:52

Well she sounds quite sensible.

You are jealous of her. You have that weird syndrome some women get where they envy their DILs for being with their sons.

Get a good therapist OP.

5madthings · 16/01/2013 23:52

Her reasoning re the furniture makes perfect sense. None of mine have ever even had a 'nursery' they slept in with us and then went into their own bed in their room when they were ready, no point wasting money on expensive furniture they will hardly use.

NoWayNoHow · 16/01/2013 23:53

Right, I'm giving this until midnight and then I'm reluctantly going to bed. Anyone who wants to put me out my misery before then so that I can actually sleep when I get there is more than welcome to!

Original poster
Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 23:53

Hello 5madthings. Her parents are split up and so I think she likes to spend occasions such as Christmas with us for family time. Both my sons were very much family people. This has changed with my son since he got with his now wife. Wouldn't automatically attend family events etc.

OP posts:
ArtfulAardvark · 16/01/2013 23:54

I am sorry, this isnt real, it cant be. I refuse to believe that anyone this deluded isnt getting help.

5madthings · 16/01/2013 23:54

Rather than spoeak to your sons whtpy don't you speak to your dial, apologize for getting off on the wrong foot and try and make a fresh start :)

Original poster
Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 23:54

Hello merrymouse. The furniture was from Mothercare, some sort of package.

OP posts:
BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 16/01/2013 23:55

more shameless place marking

manicbmc · 16/01/2013 23:55

It's all horribly unreasonable. Who on earth has a party for a 2 month old baby?

Leave the poor woman alone to settle into life with HER baby.

OP, I'd start backing off now and also start respecting your DIL and your son'd decisions or it will get to a point when you won't get to see this, or any other GC, because they won't want you in their lives anymore.

ReneandGeorgetteMagritte · 16/01/2013 23:56

oh the madness

Original poster
Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 23:56

Hello again 5madthings. I am going to speak with her. But feel t best to speak to my sons so we can sort out what is going to be done. Even is that means me backing off. But my other son is in agreement as we have discussed this before.

OP posts:
5madthings · 16/01/2013 23:56

Even if her parents are split up your son should still make an effort with her patents and it would be nice for them to have an Xmas etc with their daughter.

Your son does no it have to attend every family event, be is an adult with his own family now.

4 (sticks tongue out!) Grin