Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Son's wife and my grandchild

999 replies

Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 20:36

Hello
Have changed my name to protect privacy, I apologise in advance as this might be very long and rambling. Basically I want to get some views from you to help me sort this issue

The issue is that I feel pushed out of my son?s life. I get on ok with his wife but i have always found her difficult and this has been made worse since they had a child.

When she first had the baby they requested only 2 visitors at a time. I can understand that they didn?t want to be overwhelmed with guests but feel parents and siblings are different. I wanted to see the baby with my husband and other son. This meant that my other sons girlfriend needed to come as well. So there would have been 4 of us. My son stated to please stick to what was originally said. We did do this but I feel resentful that I didn?t agree to it first of all, and that I couldn?t see my boys all together. I know this may sound silly, but i wanted to take photos of my husband, and both sons holding the baby.

This has come to a head because I was trying to organise a family party so everyone could see baby. My son said it seemed a nice idea but thought his wife might find it a bit full on. Surprise surprise, she doesn?t think she?s up to it and wants to have time just the 3 of them. I suggested she might want to just come for a couple of hours and then go home to rest. But she said she?d be taking the baby home with her. She seems to forget that we are her child?s family and need to be included.

I have tried talking to my son about it and he understands. But things just stay the same and it is very frustrating.

OP posts:
Arthurfowlersallotment · 16/01/2013 23:26

Fwiw I think this is a crock of shit. But in anycase, if you were my MIL I'd make life very difficult for you. I hope your DIL does the same for you, as you are selfish and thoughtless and completely lacking in insight or emotional intelligence.

It's not your child, and never will be. You had your time, and it's long since passed. Once you've dealt with that you can accept that most new mothers wouldn't consider leaving their newborn at a party and going home.

Tough shit.

pixwix · 16/01/2013 23:26

It's not Hullygully is it? she's done some good wind-ups in the past....

MrsHuxtable · 16/01/2013 23:26

And another

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

before I'm off to bed!

I hoe this thread gets moved to Classics so I can re-read it with some popcorn should I ever need to lighten my mood!

SomethingProfound · 16/01/2013 23:26

She doesn't speak as she is outnumbered speaks volumes about how you and your family treat her.

FWIW I don't think you like her, I think you want her out the way, that you want it to just be You and your boys

I hope this is a wind up.

ledkr · 16/01/2013 23:26

Turns handle.
Come on I need to sleep who is it?

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/01/2013 23:27

ledkr "No this is someone avin a larf I can tell by the replies to my posts. Who's missing in action tonight then? Mark my words it's a windup."

Where's Hully?

5madthings · 16/01/2013 23:27

Well there you go then, they are responsible PST owners and its their choice to have a dig and not your place to interfere or judge...I am realizing now why your dil might not be keen on you, she probably feels very judged.

Original poster
Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 23:27

Can I please just repeat that I have not forced the party issue. It is not going to happen now.

OP posts:
5madthings · 16/01/2013 23:28

Pet not PST.

Teapot13 · 16/01/2013 23:28

I generally agree with the reaction and see your son's and DIL's side (yes - they are on the same side) more than yours, but I think you are getting a harder time than necessary. You've posted that you want "help to sort out this issue," though, and I think there are a lot of good ideas on here.

There are probably 30 things you could do for your DIL right now that would make her grateful. You should deliver a nice meal for them to heat up and eat, stop in at midday with a sandwich for her -- if she is like me with her first baby, she will find eating lunch a real obstacle. Find out what SHE likes to eat. Just knock on the door and say you're not coming in, you just wanted to drop this off. She might invite you in, in which case, make yourself useful. Offer to wash up, do laundry, anything. Hold the baby while DIL takes a shower (win-win!). Ask her if you can run to the shops, pick up some nappies, or if you can lend her DVD box sets to get through the long night feeds.

I don't have to post on MN about my MIL, because my MIL is lovely. We really have a good relationship, and to be honest part of the reason is that she has made a real effort to get along with me. I don't mean that I have been difficult, but she has always asked permission/for my opinion/whatever, and has always been really respectful. Now, our DD is 3, and she has a wonderful relationship with my ILs. It is such a joy to me to see how they love my child. I even go to their house (abroad) for a week or two once or twice a year (in addition to the visits we make as a family) while DH is working in London so that DD can spend time with them. This would absolutely not be the case if my MIL were not as lovely to me as she is, believe me. If this is the relationship you want with your grandchild, you have to win over your DIL.

ThedementedPenguin · 16/01/2013 23:29

cheerful that thread is mental. I hope your friend put her foot down.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 16/01/2013 23:30

And you will hold it against her for the rest of your days wont you!

pixwix · 16/01/2013 23:30

ooooh! whereyouleftit great minds and all.... Smile

ledkr · 16/01/2013 23:30

You do know I have a non sleeper don't you? I'm off to deep but I know ill check in the night to see who it was.

LibraryMum8 · 16/01/2013 23:31

YABU. I think what they have outlined is very reasonable. Not to be unkind, but she is his wife now. She doesn't sound like she is going to play second fiddle to a MIL (and good for her).

I understand about the picture but you are going to just have to wait until you are all together when the baby is older. You had a your chance to raise your children the way you saw fit, now it is their turn to do so as well.

rainrainandmorerain · 16/01/2013 23:31

on god, I can't stay away from this...

OP - when you say your dil is 'outnumbered? when she speaks, what do you mean? Does she express views you and other family members don't agree with, and get shouted down? or what? can you give an example pls?

Original poster
Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 23:31

Hello wannabedomesticgoddess. Hold what against her? I am trying to resolve this issue.

OP posts:
ledkr · 16/01/2013 23:31

hully will kill you if it's not her ha ha

Salmotrutta · 16/01/2013 23:32

Oh god.

It is a spoof isn't it.

And here was me bein' all serious like.

It's not that ghostofthewasp poster from the Sharon thread is it?

OxfordBags · 16/01/2013 23:32

God, I can't go to bed with the Op's bosom hoiked over half the globe like this...

Original poster
Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 23:33

Hello rainrainandmorerain. It is difficult to explain. She holds some strong views on subjects that are at odds with our views. My son then usually agrees with her or discusses it. Though I don't think he actually agrees deep down, just wants to help us all get along.

OP posts:
NoWayNoHow · 16/01/2013 23:33

Oxford me neither - I'm tired, but this is really winding me up!

Salmotrutta · 16/01/2013 23:33

Who is it? Eh? Eh?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 16/01/2013 23:33

The refusal to have a party.

You have been given plenty of advice on how to resolve it. But you arent listening.

Until you change it wont be resolved. DIL is NOT the problem here.

Iceaddict · 16/01/2013 23:33

wow this could actually have been my MIL almost 5 years ago. well over the last 5 years. I hope its a wind up as I know how awful a MIL like this can make life. If this is not a wind up then yes YABU. what I would love to say to my MIL and it applies to you to, please Back off you're making life stressful, for yourself and family, you have had your babies let your daughter in law enjoy her baby. There will be plenty of time when things settle down for them to come to you, but if you push them away with trying too hard now they wont