Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Son's wife and my grandchild

999 replies

Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 20:36

Hello
Have changed my name to protect privacy, I apologise in advance as this might be very long and rambling. Basically I want to get some views from you to help me sort this issue

The issue is that I feel pushed out of my son?s life. I get on ok with his wife but i have always found her difficult and this has been made worse since they had a child.

When she first had the baby they requested only 2 visitors at a time. I can understand that they didn?t want to be overwhelmed with guests but feel parents and siblings are different. I wanted to see the baby with my husband and other son. This meant that my other sons girlfriend needed to come as well. So there would have been 4 of us. My son stated to please stick to what was originally said. We did do this but I feel resentful that I didn?t agree to it first of all, and that I couldn?t see my boys all together. I know this may sound silly, but i wanted to take photos of my husband, and both sons holding the baby.

This has come to a head because I was trying to organise a family party so everyone could see baby. My son said it seemed a nice idea but thought his wife might find it a bit full on. Surprise surprise, she doesn?t think she?s up to it and wants to have time just the 3 of them. I suggested she might want to just come for a couple of hours and then go home to rest. But she said she?d be taking the baby home with her. She seems to forget that we are her child?s family and need to be included.

I have tried talking to my son about it and he understands. But things just stay the same and it is very frustrating.

OP posts:
5madthings · 16/01/2013 23:17

Seriously op it would have been perfectly reasonable for her to come to the party for a few hours and then go home with the baby. What us wrong with that?

Why would you try and separate a newborn from its mother? If she asked you to babysit that would be one thing but like many many mothers she doesn't want to be sepoerated from her baby and I wouldn't have wanted to leave an 8 week old at a party and go home!!

Step back a bit, help cook, walk the dog, be helpful and unobtrusive and maybe you can get to k ow your dil a bit better and please call her your dil that is who she is!

Lonecatwithkitten · 16/01/2013 23:17

French it strikes me that you are struggling to see that the world is very different now to when you had children. Yes, when you had children you listened to your parents in law and went along with what they requested.
However, the world has changed. DILs prevent their MILs from seeing GC and their sons if MILs continue to push.

Your son clearly loves his wife and is prepared to back her to the hilt (good on him).

To be frank your DIL holds all the cards your son adores her and she is the gatekeeper to your grandchild. You either do it her way or not all.

pixwix · 16/01/2013 23:18

I really must go to bed... am still on an early

mydogboobear · 16/01/2013 23:18

Have read half of the replies, have only posted once before but, am pulled back into my own situation many years ago. My ex partner and I had a beautiful baby whilst I was still in uni.....phrases like " only breast feeding to keep baby from her" she wanted to look after baby whilst I finished uni, when I decided to take baba with me I was accused of stealing her child! Back at uni she decided to employ PI to follow me to show her son I wasn't capable and he should break up with me and go for full custody:( Crazy, crazy time , they've never changed and unbeknown to his mum after many court cases ( we'd so broken up at this time) he signed away his rights for my now dh to adopt our child. Now, my ex and I can talk about how crazy she was(she could only have him) and he's always had a certain type of relationship with our dc but, even he admits that his mum wished me dead so she could have our baby.DON,T be that psycho grandmother:(

ChaosTrulyReigns · 16/01/2013 23:19

How do you decide which posters to respond to FrenchSpeaker?

Confused
Katisha · 16/01/2013 23:20

French- first class wind up! I feel you are slightly over egging it now though.

ledkr · 16/01/2013 23:21

No this is someone avin a larf I can tell by the replies to my posts.
Who's missing in action tonight then? Mark my words it's a windup.

Original poster
Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 23:21

Hello 5madthings. I will definitely try and help with the cooking. There is not much cleaning to be done. Her mum and cousin have helped out with that. I can't walk the dog, he is a big dog and to be honest I don't think he should be in the house with a child. But they adore him and she treats him like a king.

OP posts:
rainrainandmorerain · 16/01/2013 23:22

whoah... I am so stupid - I've only just realised that the OP meant that she throw a party for new grandchild - and suggested that the baby's mother should go home and LEAVE THE BABY THERE if she felt tired??

Wow. Leave a new baby at a party to be passed round and pawed over - I really want this to be a wind up now, that makes me me feel teary.

MrsHuxtable · 16/01/2013 23:22

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

ledkr · 16/01/2013 23:22

Come on then. We know its not chaos Grin

ScarletLady02 · 16/01/2013 23:22

I've read 12 pages and would just like to say to you OP if you get to read this post....

I was a very nervous first time Mum. I was worried about letting my DD out of my sight. I was worried I was doing it all wrong. I didn't really want to see people as I was stitched and sore and battered. I was anxious about everything for about 6 months! Not PND, just general anxiety, as is my nature. I'm also shy, and probably not that entertaining to many people apart from my close friends....

TRY and put yourself in her shoes. If you are too overbearing she will clam up and not want you around. It is HER child.....to deal with as SHE pleases. Don't push it, and don't be too hard on her. You grand-child will be around for years to come and you will have plenty of time to enjoy him or her.

ArtVandelay · 16/01/2013 23:22

Op - Are you Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond? :)

Original poster
Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 23:23

Hello yet again ledkr. No she understands that my son wants to be with his family and she very much takes care of him.

OP posts:
5madthings · 16/01/2013 23:23

Ooh I get a reply!

Great help with cooking, it can be hard to find time to cook with a new baby. Maybe ask what some of her favorite meals are and cook them :)

I shall ignore your dog issue, I am sure your dil and son will take every precaution to keep baby and doing safe so you needn't worry :)

ledkr · 16/01/2013 23:24

Fuck off now I'm actually crying. Am I the only one who can see it?

LineRunner · 16/01/2013 23:24

I know it's wind up but it's my job to amuse Lindsay123.

MrsHuxtable · 16/01/2013 23:25

And another

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

before I'm off to bed!

I hoe this thread gets moved to Classics so I can re-read it with some popcorn should I ever need to lighten my mood!

NoWayNoHow · 16/01/2013 23:25

Oh, FFS French is there ANYTHING your poor DIL can do right? Now it's about a dog? No wonder she never speaks when she's around you and only shows her true personality around people she likes others - she's probably fed up of your nasty, undermining, snide comments about everything she does in her life.

You sound like a bloody nightmare, and it won't surprise me if both her and your son (becuase, as others have said, he is making these decisions too) cut you out completely at the rate you're going.

halfthesize · 16/01/2013 23:25

ledkr I see what you mean Grin

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/01/2013 23:25

OMG this is my ex-MIL with me. She LOVED DIL1 and HATED me DIL2. DIL1 was boring liked to have babies, cook (rank over-cooked yellow veg roasts), clean, be the little wife. I didn't. Goodness, didn't I feel it? Never mind, I divorced him.

Stixswhichtwizzle · 16/01/2013 23:25

I have read the first few pages of this like others expecting it to be a reverse AIBU and am Shock that it doesn't seem to be!

I think YABVVVU to expect your daughter-in-law to leave her tiny 8wk old at a party full of lots of people whilst she goes home! There are much better ways of helping her rest. Sitting with the baby at her house (just you!) for an hour would be better although not if she doesn't want you too!

Be thankful you're not my MIL (who I adore btw) we didn't allow any visitors for the first week after we brought DD home!

Am off to read the rest, I really hope for the sake of your future relationship you realise how harmful your current attitude and approach is!

Original poster
Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 23:25

Hello again 5madthings. Oh yes I know my son would never leave baby alone with dog. But I would never have had a dog living with my children.

OP posts:
5madthings · 16/01/2013 23:26

Well maybe it would be nice if your other son and his girlfriend spent some timne with her family? Do you not think her mother maybe feels a bit left out?

As an adult your son should also be able to look after himself.

CheerfulYank · 16/01/2013 23:26

Sadly enough it may not be a windup. I started this thread a few years ago and it's completely true.

Swipe left for the next trending thread