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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Son's wife and my grandchild

999 replies

Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 20:36

Hello
Have changed my name to protect privacy, I apologise in advance as this might be very long and rambling. Basically I want to get some views from you to help me sort this issue

The issue is that I feel pushed out of my son?s life. I get on ok with his wife but i have always found her difficult and this has been made worse since they had a child.

When she first had the baby they requested only 2 visitors at a time. I can understand that they didn?t want to be overwhelmed with guests but feel parents and siblings are different. I wanted to see the baby with my husband and other son. This meant that my other sons girlfriend needed to come as well. So there would have been 4 of us. My son stated to please stick to what was originally said. We did do this but I feel resentful that I didn?t agree to it first of all, and that I couldn?t see my boys all together. I know this may sound silly, but i wanted to take photos of my husband, and both sons holding the baby.

This has come to a head because I was trying to organise a family party so everyone could see baby. My son said it seemed a nice idea but thought his wife might find it a bit full on. Surprise surprise, she doesn?t think she?s up to it and wants to have time just the 3 of them. I suggested she might want to just come for a couple of hours and then go home to rest. But she said she?d be taking the baby home with her. She seems to forget that we are her child?s family and need to be included.

I have tried talking to my son about it and he understands. But things just stay the same and it is very frustrating.

OP posts:
Whatsounddoesagiraffemake · 16/01/2013 23:09

You sound an awful lot like my MIL to be honest and unlike other posters I've found this thread very cathartic. I suffered from PND with DC1 and I have never been able to work out whether it was my MIL's behaviour that contributed to it or my perception of her behaviour. Was I overreacting etc. Reading this has made me realise that other people do behave like my MIL and it most certainly wasn't all in my head.
For what it's worth, everything came to a head when I was pregnant with DC2 with my DH, BIL and future SIL having to talk to MIL on my behalf. The message was 'wind your neck in or risk not seeing your grandchildren (or future ones) again'. All her efforts to 'keep her family tkgether' had completely the opposite effect as she just couldn't get past what she wanted being more important than anything else.
Now, after many tears and dramas we're almost back on an even keel but not before she nearly ruined everything for everyone, not least herself.
YABVU. This is not about you. Your behaviour now, when emotions and hormones are high, WILL have serious ramifications on any future grandchildren and ultimately could affect the health of your DIL and her relationship with her own DC. I hope you have an understanding family or you will get all that you deserve...nothing.

MrsHuxtable · 16/01/2013 23:09

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

French I can't believe you're still posting!
Love the way you address individual posters though.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Aspiemum2 · 16/01/2013 23:09

Thedementedpenguin, your mil may have raised 4 kids but she doesn't get to raise yours. Tell her to back off. Easier said than done I know, but look at the alternative.....

pixwix · 16/01/2013 23:10

ach - I have to go to bed now - am working an early shift tomorrow... Sad

Granitetopping · 16/01/2013 23:10

I miss my MIL who passed away 3 years ago. She was an absolute sweetheart who helped me with my children when all my DM could do was criticise me about everything.

I am a MIL now - and I have a very hands off approach to my lovely DIL and GC. I remembered how awful my DM was and I was determined to be part of GCs life, but on my DILs terms. Her baby, her rules.

OP, nearly everyone has condemned you - I feel sorry for you and your GC who will grow up not knowing you as I expect your DIL to cut all ties with you in the future.

Yfronts · 16/01/2013 23:11

Maybe your DIL isn't chatty with you because you are a complete nightmare?!

Does your son cook by the way? Or do you just expect the wife to cook?

halfthesize · 16/01/2013 23:11

ThedementedPenguin that is so awful that you felt so pressured to do that, I think I would have told mine to F* offWink
Good luck in the future.

I have to say after my DS1 my DH family were a little overbearing so when DS2 came along we made it very clear we would say when people could visit, it was the best decision we ever madeSmile

ledkr · 16/01/2013 23:12

Your all baking all sewing other dil may also like some peace and quiet when she gives birth. What you gonna do then eh?

Kendodd · 16/01/2013 23:13

Oh and if you do send flowers and a card make sure you don't say MY grandchild, refer to DGC as, your (DIL's) baby.

Original poster
Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 23:13

Hello ledkr. She is a lovely girl. Very much enjoys birthday meals, Christmas and New Year at our house etc. She is quite traditional so perhaps that iw why we get along better.

OP posts:
PureQuintessence · 16/01/2013 23:13

You need to look at how you can help your daughter in law. Be a friend to her.

Holding the baby is not helping. Making her a cup of tea, or a sandwich, is helping. Asking if there is any ironing you can do, is helping. Folding laundry, is helping.

In a little while (several weeks) you can say "Jennifer, why dont you have a nap, I will just sit here and mind Jane for you".

Doing these things, will show your daughter in law that you understand that she is tired, sore, feels battered inside, etc.

If you go on like you do now, trying to have a power struggle over who is "in charge" now, you will end up like my mother in law. Another strong matriarch. A woman who has not seen her grandchildren (my sons) for 4 years!. She has not seen her own son in that time either.

LineRunner · 16/01/2013 23:13

For a bonkers thread, it's very useful if it gives some posters more confidence to hand inappropriate MILs the fuck off pills.

halfthesize · 16/01/2013 23:13

To add to previous post I am very close to my PIL and they are amazing people, it was just I needed time to bond and establish feeding etc.

ShiftyFades · 16/01/2013 23:13

Spongeypants, she's lovely, never gives advice unless asked, always helps, never takes charge and just let's me and her son get on with our parenting.

As a result I look forward to her visits, I actually get a break and she gets to bath, feed and care for her gorgeous grandson. It's a win-win.

But only because she's helpful, not interfering and not judgemental.
Oh, and I ring her to talk through what her grandson has done almost daily and I run by issues with her, over and above my own DM (who's rather like the OP with her control issues) Grin
OP, take note^

rainrainandmorerain · 16/01/2013 23:13

Whether this is a wind up or not (find it hard to believe it is real, but I guess stranger things have happened) - it is making me have very warm thoughts about my not-perfect but generally pretty ok MIL!

who while often tactless, and rather too gossipy, understands that her time with her dgc needs to be when it is convenient and welcome for BOTH of us - and that I do have a few parenting preferences she will follow because these are MY kids and I get to say (admittedly, these are things like 'no, you can't smoke around them', so not very controversial).

We are very different people and could potentially not get along too well - but as it is, MIL sees my ds regularly, gets to do 'nanny only' treats with him - he adores her, she adores him and is a key person in his life.

Wind up or not, the op is giving a masterclass in how to make sure you alienate your dil and end up being kept at arms length from your grandkids.

MarasmeAbsolu · 16/01/2013 23:14

OP, are you my MIL?

ledkr · 16/01/2013 23:14

Your dil isnt as shy as you think is she op? She's stood up to you which us more than lots of us have done to our scary mils.

dearcathyandclare · 16/01/2013 23:14

Frenchspeak your last post was poignant and I can see how you may be feeling unfulfilled. But don't push as dil will pull away.

Lindsay321 · 16/01/2013 23:14

Shy

Not one for cooking

Grabbed off me

Oh, so you think your DIL is some kind of early hominid?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

I Love you LineRunner, I always have Smile

Pilgit · 16/01/2013 23:15

Don't have the energy to read to the end (got to page 12....). Yes your DIL does need to realise her child is part of a wider family - she probably does already. But quite frankly you need to realise that your DIL is also part of that family. If you've been as welcoming as you've come across here you'll have not made her feel at all welcome in the family. Is it any surprise that, when at a very vulnerable point, she doesn't really want her or her child to be put on display? No one is stopping you from delighting in this childs' arrival.

Times have changed and just because your PIL's were involved and were allowed to have opinions/interfere does not mean you should be allowed to or have a right to be involved or have a say in how they get through this first couple of months. It speaks volumes that you've not mentioned how stressful a birth it was, how long the labour, pre-existing medical conditions that could mean she is still feeling very delicate, how the baby is sleeping (if anything like my 6 week old - badly at night great during the day), etc. This shows a complete absence of concern for you DS, DIL or DGC.

Part of the joy of having children is seeing the joy they bring to the people you care about -and that should include you. I hope this thread helps you to see how you can be that person and share in the joy that is to come. My PIL are FAB help, advise (when asked) support, love and serve up rather generous G&T's on demand. Any judging, if done, is kept firmly behind closed doors.

Greythorne · 16/01/2013 23:15

MNHQ
Please pop this into classics, it's hilarious.

HildaOgden · 16/01/2013 23:16

'There is none so blind,as those who will not see'.

Tell you what,OP.Before I leave this thread (because I really am finding you incredibly irritating),I'll give you a last piece of advice.

Ignore all the women on here who have told you that you're heading for disaster.Continue doing exactly what you're doing.And continue to watch as your family becomes more and more fractured.

You will reap what you sow.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 16/01/2013 23:16

I suspect your sons gf merely tolerates you in the spirit of an easy life.

Original poster
Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 23:17

Hello again ledkr. Perhaps not. But she definitely is when spending time with us. Every now and again she says something but usually is outnumbered. My son says she is very chatty with her family. And I have seen her with friends and she is much more outgoing.

OP posts:
ledkr · 16/01/2013 23:17

French. Dies your other dil not want to see her own family over the festive season.

Btw. I still think this is a wind up.