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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Son's wife and my grandchild

999 replies

Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 20:36

Hello
Have changed my name to protect privacy, I apologise in advance as this might be very long and rambling. Basically I want to get some views from you to help me sort this issue

The issue is that I feel pushed out of my son?s life. I get on ok with his wife but i have always found her difficult and this has been made worse since they had a child.

When she first had the baby they requested only 2 visitors at a time. I can understand that they didn?t want to be overwhelmed with guests but feel parents and siblings are different. I wanted to see the baby with my husband and other son. This meant that my other sons girlfriend needed to come as well. So there would have been 4 of us. My son stated to please stick to what was originally said. We did do this but I feel resentful that I didn?t agree to it first of all, and that I couldn?t see my boys all together. I know this may sound silly, but i wanted to take photos of my husband, and both sons holding the baby.

This has come to a head because I was trying to organise a family party so everyone could see baby. My son said it seemed a nice idea but thought his wife might find it a bit full on. Surprise surprise, she doesn?t think she?s up to it and wants to have time just the 3 of them. I suggested she might want to just come for a couple of hours and then go home to rest. But she said she?d be taking the baby home with her. She seems to forget that we are her child?s family and need to be included.

I have tried talking to my son about it and he understands. But things just stay the same and it is very frustrating.

OP posts:
Original poster
Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 23:02

Hello HildaOgden. My other son's girlfriend is quite chatty, enjoys sewing and baking. We have lots in common and she always makes an effort to attend family gatherings.

OP posts:
moggiek · 16/01/2013 23:03

Frenchspeak, do you think this could be a generational thing? I had my first child in 1979, and it was expected that any family members, no matter how extended, who felt like it could turn up when they wanted for a 'nurse at the baby'. Oh, how I wished that I could just say no! I was sore and weepy and struggled with my new responsibility, but it just wasn't the done thing to refuse. I think that young women now are much better at doing just that.

Salmotrutta · 16/01/2013 23:03

Actually, I should say my MIL was a helpful,woman. She's quite old now and she needs our help.

But then again, I drew a line in the sand years ago - and now we have an understanding. So we rub along because we know how to.

Best get your act together OP. seriously. Or you will regret it.

PickledApples · 16/01/2013 23:03

Son's wife (not daughter in law)
MY grandchild.
Put my foot down.
Throw a party?!
Grabbed the baby back.
Not one for cooking.

Is that you, Hyacinth?
It sounds like Sheridan has settled down to a lovely little family life. Sorry to hear you limelight has been skewed somewhat. Perhaps a candlelight supper would be more in order?

OP you come across as rather egocentric and controlling. Your son has two more females in his life who come first now, cool off - back off and stop taking everything so personally, you will only push them further away. Start choosing an outfit for yourself for the Christening in the meantime - the more understated, the better.

PoppyWearer · 16/01/2013 23:03

"We are a very close family"

To me reads:

"I have no life outside of my family and cannot bear to have an empty nest, so will go and sit in theirs."

halfthesize · 16/01/2013 23:04

I really hope OP reads out OxfordBags post, it said everything I wanted to say.Wink

Your poor DIL and DS, I really feel for them...

ledkr · 16/01/2013 23:05

Hello frenchspeak! Would you have left your eight week old with family at a party and gone home alone?

elizaregina · 16/01/2013 23:05

pickledapples Grin

This is Hyacinth!

Salmotrutta · 16/01/2013 23:05

Oh god. I just read your last post.

Are you Mrs Beeton?

WaynettaSlobsLover · 16/01/2013 23:05

I'll be honest OP. when I had my son, as nice as my mil is, I didn't want her near him or pretty much anyone. I'd had a traumatic birth and it took months for me not to squirm when other people held him. Leave them alone, let your dil know you are there for her and this will really make it known that you care enough to back off at this time. It's a massive thing that she has just gone through and her hormones plus potential baby blues will be all over the place.

dearcathyandclare · 16/01/2013 23:06

OP concede on this one! And get your finger out and support your dil. She may like you as much as you like her but at least you will be able to reflect later down the line that you supported the new family in their hour of need.

Original poster
Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 23:06

Hello again PoppyWearer. I do have hobbies. I admit I don't really have friends outside of family but this is not something that bothers me. I have always been close with family and fully admit that being the only woman in the house I was used to be the organiser and taking charge.

OP posts:
ThedementedPenguin · 16/01/2013 23:06

FrenchSpeak I really want you to read my reply and take in what I say. I'm not going to be rude but I'm going to tell you what happened when my ds came along. We live right beside each other.

So day one out of hospital I'm forced into a family gathering at my partners parents house because his mum wanted her dad and everyone to meet HER GRANDSON, I was in agony, wanted a shower my pjs and just to go home after being away for 4 days. But I sat through this horrible experience.

Day two she forces herself to come into my house uninvited, invited loads of her friends around as they where dying to meet Her GRANDSON. I couldn't refuse as I was made to feel the worst in the world.

Day Three, I'm exhausted, haven't slept much. She invites us down for dinner and I'm thinking finally she gets it. But no I was then forced (and I do mean forced as his whole family ganged up on me and made me to feel like such a bad person for not wanting to) to leave my 4 day old child there so I could go home and sleep. I wasn't ready for this and cried for hours. This was the worst feeling in the world.

Skip ahead to now, my son is 4 months old. We she her once a week tops. I hate going to her house. I hate her coming to mine. What could of been a lively time for us both to bond was ruined as she was overbearing. Even now if I say not to do something all I get is 'I raised 4 kids ill do what I want' after reading this I am going to be A LOT firmer with them.

Your DIL is going through a new stage in her life, be helpful. Ask her if there's anything she needs doing, like others suggested cook, clean.

Honestly just show her your there for her to help and call upon if needed. Don't and I stress don't continue with this route you will make things worse for both if you.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 16/01/2013 23:06

Oh OP you are vile.

Your sons gf is chatty so you like her more. Why cant you accept your DIL for the person she is? If you cant do that atleast hide your disappointment.

EuroShagmore · 16/01/2013 23:07

I really hope this is a wind up. If not, back off!

ledkr · 16/01/2013 23:07

My other son's girlfriend is quite chatty, enjoys sewing and baking. We have lots in common and she always makes an effort to attend family gatherings.
She sounds a bundle if laughs then. Is she in her fifties?

ShiftyFades · 16/01/2013 23:07

French, apart from "might offer to cook" I haven't seen you respond to the many questions of "What have YOU done to help your DIL"?

Please tell me you've at least done the food shopping? Confused

Yfronts · 16/01/2013 23:07

French - you are doing all the right things to get your DIL's back up and cause a family rift. You seem unable and determined not to see this from DIL's point of view. You obviously want to be in charge of your family and in charge of the new born grandchild. New born days are not about you and your demands. Early baby days are about recovering from the birth, bonding deeply with the new arrival, getting to know babies needs, learning to breast feed, desperately trying to get enough sleep and to function on a couple of hours, comforting a reflux/crying baby, having quiet small family unit time and avoiding post natal depression. Early baby days are all about the baby and mother and any midwife/health visitor worth her salt would agree.

If you want to be a supportive MIL ask your DIL what you can do to support her and help her? Maybe that will involve cooking a bit for them or cleaning or just allowing them a little space to get used to everything.

redwallday · 16/01/2013 23:07

When I had my first child I struggled to leave the house for weeks, everything felt like a mountain to climb. We went to my sisters for tea one night when my son was around 8 weeks old and I was a nervous wreck. I ended up coming home in tears. Give the poor girl a break it sounds like she is being more than reasonable and good on her for having the guts to say no. YABVU for being so intrusive on what should be a peaceful time for the new parents!

HildaOgden · 16/01/2013 23:08

'It's been difficult because we are a very close family and she didn't get this even in the early days of dating my son'

You aren't as close as you'd like to think,your own Son has repeatedly enforced this too,you know.It isn't just your DIL,your own son has told you....repeatedly....to stick to it.

NoWayNoHow · 16/01/2013 23:08

I can't help it, I've been sucked in, even though this CAN'T be for real...

French I'm going to put this in bold and massive capitals in the hopes that you will read it:

HAVE YOU READ THE NEARLY 360 POSTS THAT ARE TELLING YOU THAT YOU ARE CONTROLLING AND THAT YOU ARE PUSHING YOUR FAMILY AWAY? THAT YOU WILL LOSE YOUR GC IF YOU CARRY ON LIKE THIS? BECAUSE NOTHING OF YOUR SUBSEQUENT POSTS SUGGEST YOU'RE TAKING ONE IOTA ON BOARD

Kendodd · 16/01/2013 23:08

OP can you send your DIL some flowers and a little note to say sorry for being so pushy? You need to try to build bridges here and then let DIL cross them when she's ready.

Original poster
Frenchspeak · 16/01/2013 23:08

Hello ThedementedPenguin. I didn't want to take my grandchild away. It was just suggested as a compromise because she said she would be too tired.

OP posts:
SundaysGirl · 16/01/2013 23:08

If you are serious I'd listen to the advice of most of the posters here.

PoppyWearer · 16/01/2013 23:09

OP, your last reply to me explains a lot. A lot.

I actually feel quite sorry for you.

It's not your time anymore. I'm sorry, but it's not.