Son's wife and my grandchild

[Frenchspeak]

Hello
Have changed my name to protect privacy, I apologise in advance as this might be very long and rambling. Basically I want to get some views from you to help me sort this issue

The issue is that I feel pushed out of my son?s life. I get on ok with his wife but i have always found her difficult and this has been made worse since they had a child.

When she first had the baby they requested only 2 visitors at a time. I can understand that they didn?t want to be overwhelmed with guests but feel parents and siblings are different. I wanted to see the baby with my husband and other son. This meant that my other sons girlfriend needed to come as well. So there would have been 4 of us. My son stated to please stick to what was originally said. We did do this but I feel resentful that I didn?t agree to it first of all, and that I couldn?t see my boys all together. I know this may sound silly, but i wanted to take photos of my husband, and both sons holding the baby.

This has come to a head because I was trying to organise a family party so everyone could see baby. My son said it seemed a nice idea but thought his wife might find it a bit full on. Surprise surprise, she doesn?t think she?s up to it and wants to have time just the 3 of them. I suggested she might want to just come for a couple of hours and then go home to rest. But she said she?d be taking the baby home with her. She seems to forget that we are her child?s family and need to be included.

I have tried talking to my son about it and he understands. But things just stay the same and it is very frustrating.

You have probably messed up too much already op.
My fil did in the very early days and now they hardly see their granddaughter because I can't forgive them thus don't like them.
Dh supports me because he knows how badly they behaved when she was born and also because he is my husband! Yes he's loyal to me because we are married and we are his priority and she should never have put him in the situation in the first place.
So I think the damage is done.

Haven't read the whole thread just skimmed to check it wasn't a reverse one.

OP, my first thought when I read the title was your son's wife is your daughter-in-law. The fact you don't even write it that way speaks volumes to me about how you feel about her. And I'm sure she's picked up on this.

I wouldn't have wanted any negative people around me in the early days of either of my children. Fortunately, my DP's mum isn't in the least bit negative, critical or judgemental about how I am as a partner to her son or as a mum to her GCs. Because of this I had her, her DP, my SIL and nephew and neice come for a weekend when my DC1 was just 2 weeks old. It was great!

Perhaps if you could look beyond your role as a grand-mother, and actually consider your son's wife as a member of your family and give her the consideration she is due and treat her as such, then maybe she won't find these parties you want to plan so hard to even contemplate!

I'm going to have to hide this thread. It's enraging me and making me want to phone my own selfish mil and shout at her.
If I ever have another baby I will be putting my foot down with her like your dil is doing with you.

"not one for cooking". I missed that too. How did I miss that?!

OP, I would suggest that you don't know your DIL at all.

According to my MIL, I don't cook/sew/iron/clean and am generally a useless wife to her DS and mother to her GCs. She tells other people this as if it's true, I've heard her!

She is wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. Wrong! I do all of these things. She doesn't know me at all!

"not one for cooking". She's just had a baby, FFS, they can live on ready meals if needed. Spending time with the baby is the most important thing she should be doing. Save the cooking, and the martyrdom, buy them some vouchers from "Cook" instead.

Somebody, please TELL me this is a wind up?!?!!

I'm actually finding this thread quite therapeutic, as I went through this (on DIL receiving end) and survived it! I'm definitely a stronger woman as a result. Although I'm not sure that is the intended consequence!

Complete wind up.

OP gets everyone's back up and returns very occasionally to stoke the fire with a very short post directed at answering one person's question in formulaic style.

Utter bollocks.

...and is your son 'not one for cooking' either?

Hello PoppyWearer. She has never cooked very much, it's not a recent thing from when baby was born.

French - so basically her own mum isn't interfering and demanding. Even giving you private visiting time.

When my DD gave birth (twice) she didn't want even me interfering, poking my nose in, demanding to hold parties etc.

My own MIL is in many ways a generous and helpful woman. BUT she likes to "take charge" even when she has no right to do so. It has led to a lot of resentment. Even from her own daughter.

Be warned. You will isolate yourself into a lonely old age.

Mil tell me one thing you sound like all the other dreadful mils out there - is there a special training school for you all? is there a book the nightmare critical MIL...how to be one..

Oh god I bloody love my mil!

Your dil sounds awesome, your dgc is lucky to have a mother with the balls to stand up to people like you. This thread has actually utterly disgusted me.
How about giving a new mum a break from your demands and tantrums? Stop being a petulant child and allow her time to establish a routine with HER baby.

Back off, your ds has other priorities now - you are lower down than you were. Push him and he will choose his wife and child.

Still can't believe this isn't a reverse but no it's

Aibu?

YES YES 100x YES

No I'm not

Nightmare......think I might send my lovely, not interfering mil some flowers!

French, if you don't stop being such a nightmare now, your son and DIL may never forgive you and you will find yourself completely shut out of your granddaughter's life.

I really hope your other (future) daughter-in-law is watching all this carefully...

I feel sorry for you OP as your other son does not have access to transport. Do he and his girlfriend not drive, or can they not afford a car? You must feel like such a failure.

FWIW my MIL hosted a party for her family to see DD2 at 2 weeks old. I went gladly, because she is lovely, treats me with respect and asked me nicely. She was fully prepared for me to say no. We went and it was fine. Because DPs family talked to ME aswell as looking at DD2. I was treated like royalty because they understood what a fragile time it is for new parents.

I think that your general attitude has led to the two vistors rule being imposed and the refusal to attend a party, more so than being home with a newborn.

It sounds as though you treat your DIL like shit, with no regard for her feelings. Are you really surprised your son might want to protect his wife and new baby from that?

Hello SomethingProfound. I don't dislike her but she is difficult to get along with. She is very quiet and introverted. She is a nice person but there have been a few ups and downs. I do accept this might have led to the situation being as it is now.

It's been difficult because we are a very close family and she didn't get this even in the early days of dating my son.

agree swizzles -

even the tone of the writing makes me wonder is it a writer in disguise doing this for research or boredom or an article? the tone and style seem familiar somehow - even someone perhaps who isnt married or has children but is a journo?

French!!!
Please, please, be a wind up...

With every post, you just sound more and more like a control freak.

You want to show your love for your family. Very good. Nicely put.
Now let the mother of a child do what is best for that child? With a newborn this starts with making the mother comfortable because only then can she take care of her baby?

Yes you can get a fabulous picture of your pfb precious first grandchild precious child king (ok ok I'll get it right now) newest member of the family but surely it is best when this is done at convenient time and place for the newborn and the people who get to decide what is convenient are the parents?

Try not to make it a "my wants" against "her decisions" game.

But I doubt you'll listen even if you are genuine. You are too far up your own arse to smell the coffee...

But French, don't you realise it's the way you say it that is giving us the impression that you have a very low opinion of your DIL. To say someone is 'not one for...' something sounds very dismissive! If you'd said, 'Oh, yes, good idea, I'll cook a meal for them. That will be useful as I know they don't enjoy/have time for cooking', that would be non-judgemental.

Hello elizaregina. I assure you I am not a journalist or anything or the sort.

I KNOW this is a wind-up but still keep hitting refresh

Nah, you are not a close family. Everyone you come into contact with tries to escape from you.

"She has never cooked very much."

Again, something my MIL would say about me. Because her DS, my DH, takes charge of all big family meals, he enjoys it, i don't. She never sees me cook, and therefore believes I don't ever cook.

Just like she thinks my DH hates tomatoes and loves various foods he did when he was 8yo.

Yet somehow my DCs and I survive when DH isn't there, because, oh, wait, I cook for them and I.

Please. Don't be patronising. Anyone can cook, it's just not her priority in life. Many women these days defer to their OHs in the kitchen because cooking day-in, day-out is boring beyond belief!

French, YABVVVU so much I feel tears of rage.

However, I agree with what Cathy said re your son. you should be proud as it sounds as though youve brought him up v well and he is now focusing on protecting his family. Because DIL and their baby are his family.

Op, read what shiftyshades said. How lovely. I have no Mother or MIl but reading that, I really want yours!!!

The Op will get her just deserts as her DIL, who seems to have a rod of iron running up her backbone, will eventually tell her to do one.