Son's wife and my grandchild

[Frenchspeak]

Hello
Have changed my name to protect privacy, I apologise in advance as this might be very long and rambling. Basically I want to get some views from you to help me sort this issue

The issue is that I feel pushed out of my son?s life. I get on ok with his wife but i have always found her difficult and this has been made worse since they had a child.

When she first had the baby they requested only 2 visitors at a time. I can understand that they didn?t want to be overwhelmed with guests but feel parents and siblings are different. I wanted to see the baby with my husband and other son. This meant that my other sons girlfriend needed to come as well. So there would have been 4 of us. My son stated to please stick to what was originally said. We did do this but I feel resentful that I didn?t agree to it first of all, and that I couldn?t see my boys all together. I know this may sound silly, but i wanted to take photos of my husband, and both sons holding the baby.

This has come to a head because I was trying to organise a family party so everyone could see baby. My son said it seemed a nice idea but thought his wife might find it a bit full on. Surprise surprise, she doesn?t think she?s up to it and wants to have time just the 3 of them. I suggested she might want to just come for a couple of hours and then go home to rest. But she said she?d be taking the baby home with her. She seems to forget that we are her child?s family and need to be included.

I have tried talking to my son about it and he understands. But things just stay the same and it is very frustrating.

I think your wrong on so many levels with this and I say this as a grandmother of 10 this is your son and daughter in laws baby 1st and for most, you are only the childs grandmother and deffinatly not the most important person it doesnt matter what you want, it doesnt matter what the rest of the family want and unless you want to be left out of the childs life then you best get that in your head I have a DIL just like yours and I can honestly say she will ring for advise ask me to baby sit ect but its on her terms as it should be I stood back let her do things her way and only offered what was asked for I see my DGC as often as possible and I am very close to her.

"she's not one for cooking"

How did I miss the implications of that sentence?

Maybe she just didn't want to see you and your family within hours of giving birth - she was hardly looking and feeling her best was she? (to be blunt)
Give the girl a break - she has just given birth!

If she doesn't want uncle joe to hole her baby then guess what - he doesn't get to hold the baby. Particularly not just because you want him to. You obviously can't relate to how she is feeling so just try to accept that she is doing the very best she can, but her husband and her baby are the her priorities.

'Not one for entertaining'. 'Not one for cooking'. You are lovely, aren't you?

I think you're bloody lucky she agreed to see your other son and his partner at all. The thought of seeing my BILs and partners after birth makes me feel physically sick imagining it right now. They had no rights to see the baby then. The only rights that mattered then and now, were your Gc and DIL. End of story,

I have offered to hold the baby but was only allowed to for a few minutes and she was then grabbed off me.

I suggest you read up on Attachment Parenting, OP. It might explain where your DIL is coming from. It is of vital importance that babies are given time to bond with their primary carer, and not passed around. This was not a common idea when you had your children, but it is now. I would not allow my babies to be passed around either, and if someone else was holding them and they woke up, or wimpered, I would immediately take over, so I could meet their needs right away.

Today, I briefley saw a friend who has recently given birth. I had picked up her older child from school for her. She answered the door holding her baby, and I would have loved a cuddle. She said 'He's only just stopped crying', and I knew that was code for 'please don't touch him, I don't want him unsettling again', so I asked if she needed anything fetching before I left. She asked me to do a couple of little things and I left. No cuddle. I'm happy, because I know she's doing the best for her baby, and I was happy to give her the help she needed.

Please consider asking her what she wants, and talk to her about her ideas about parenting. You might find some common understanding!

To be honest she probably detests you.

And by the way, please don't bulldoze your son and DIL.

Be kind, be helpful when asked. Keep your loony opinions to yourself. And just be there if needed.

Quite simple really.

Wow, just wow.

My PILs came to visit us the day after we were discharged from hospital with DC1, and I was utterly dismayed when they showed up with BIL in tow as well.

Trying to bf for one of the first times ever in front of FIL was bad enough (am still not sure the blanket I used covered everything) but with BIL there too...mortifying. When I took myself off into another room, MIL walked in! Seriously, boundaries? This is not your child, this is your GRANDchild!!

My MIL called the shots when DC1 was born. Not with DC2. Not ever, with anything, ever again.

My Mum was the only person allowed anywhere near us for that first day with DC2 (fair enough as she babysat DC1). and she was tactful enough to leave after an hour, maybe less. PILs were allowed when we said and not before, and DH took them out and crucially away from me for lunch.

We now apply this rule to everything, have already discussed with DH that we will not be seeing them on Mother's Day (we did it last year as she insisted, not this year). Not Christmas. Not Easter. Our DCs and us come first now.

Please learn from this, OP!

I really hope this is a wind up.

Jeeeeeez and I though my MIL was bad!

Take one huge leap back & them your son and DIL be parents to THEIR baby,

Or wave bye bye to your grandchild

Please listen to the overwhelming majority here. It is not about you. Keep this up and you will lose them for good.

"Shes not one for cooking."

I suppose you fear that your poor son isnt being looked after properly.

I feel very sorry for your DIL. What a nightmare to have to deal with after giving birth. You will get cut out. No one could live with this long term.

Hello Salmotrutta. Her Mum was at the hospital when she gave birth. I understand that because her mum was there for her daughter, not granddaughter. Obviously there can be complications so her mum wanted to be there for her child. But her parents gave us time to ourselves when we first visited. Her Mum has been at the house a couple of times when I have but usually has a little chat then goes to read a magazine, walk the dog etc.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

OP, you are not normal!

If I where your DIL I'd be running for the hills. You sound completely and utterly Barmy and a tad scary.

I would hope your son doesn't Agree with you. I would think he is probably under the clutches of a toxic mother and doesn't dare say anything other.

Poor woman. She isn't a gift wrap for your grandchild.

How dare you treat someone like that?!

French

my mil was like you and she has shattered what was left of the relationship with her DS days after our DD was born, she pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed....she did see her GC but it was never enough, and she didnt even know about the next GC - as we couldnt BEAR to tell her, she hasnt seen her - its been bliss - everything round this whole pregnancy and birth has been BLISS - and calm and wonderful because she hasnt been involved and she wont be involved either.

I really hope you listen to the other posters. I dont have much family support and I would have loved to be able to go to hers - have a wonderful meal - have her help with baby - but SHE and her mad - manic controlling attitude WHICH SOUNDS LIKE YOU - has made it impossible.

What's up French. I had to take my 4 week old son to one of these gatherings organised by my mother in law. It was HIDEOUS! He wanted to bf all the time because of all the fuss and noise but all the comfy seats were taken so I had to feed him in the bedroom where there were no chairs and I was struggling with serious pain bf and my nipples were raw by the end of it. MIL got a bit huffy because baby wasn't in the room with her and other family members much (due to feeding) and also he slept all the time at that age so when not feeding was asleep. Suffice to say it wasn't a very interactive getting to know you session. I was definitely the walking womb/milk factory when it came to that party and not really acknowledged at all as it was my MIL's grandson IYSWIM. TBH I knew what I was signing up for when I married my DH and sucked it up for family peace but I was fairly scarred by the whole experience.

Bearing in mind as a new mum you're probably still bleeding at this stage, getting an average of 2 hours sleep a night and if it's your first you're worried the wrong angle of sunlight might disturb them from the carefully constructed illusion of a routine, it can feel like a huge trauma just fetching in the milk. At 8 weeks baby is also likely to be colicky and cry quite a bit...

Can you imagine waiting a little while longer for this party? Perhaps until 4 months old? It will be much more fun for all involved and the new mum might even feel able to put on a bit of make up and enjoy being congratulated on her achievement and it will help you to bond with all of your new family. You will have the rest of your life with your grandchild. My MIL was known to cry 'she'll never give him to me!' but I did you know...

I love your DIL she sounds my kind of woman, you on the other hand...

Crikey so it wasn't a reverse AIBU.

it sounds to me as if you want to be present and overseeing everybody meeting the baby for first time. You have never been told you are not welcome or cant see baby - merely that you must only visit in twos. It seems though that you didnt want to miss out on your other son and his partner seeing the baby on their own. Same with this party you seem keen to organise so everyone can meet the baby. Surely everyone who matters can meet the baby still abiding by the two at a time request obviously in the usual manner of visiting the parents at home. But oh no - wait a minute - that means you wouldnt be there to see it and to hear everything thats said etc.
You just come across as a self centred FOMO type person to me.

Do you like your DIL?

Hi OP you are certainly getting a hard time tonight, but just to add my thought into the mix I think you should feel proud that you have brought up a son who is able to protect his wife at this stage of their lives together.
Without knowing the bigger picture have you been able to support her in the past few weeks by helping with all the mundane things of life, like taking round a meal, popping over to let her have a sleep or even offering to pay for a cleaner or ironing service if you don't live locally?
When she feels able to trust and rely on you I expect your relationship will improve.
As for the family party I think her being there with the baby for 2 hours will be enough for everyone, guests included as after a few minutes of cooing most people will be ready to move on to more interesting things to talk about, regardless of how wondrous this child is to you.

Zombie is quite simply aghast.

Yes, OP, I'd go and walk the dog or find a magazine to read or a bunker to hide in if you were around, too.

Her Mum has been at the house a couple of times when I have but usually has a little chat then goes to read a magazine, walk the dog etc.

Take lessons from her. Helpful and unobtrusive!