Son's wife and my grandchild

[Frenchspeak]

Hello
Have changed my name to protect privacy, I apologise in advance as this might be very long and rambling. Basically I want to get some views from you to help me sort this issue

The issue is that I feel pushed out of my son?s life. I get on ok with his wife but i have always found her difficult and this has been made worse since they had a child.

When she first had the baby they requested only 2 visitors at a time. I can understand that they didn?t want to be overwhelmed with guests but feel parents and siblings are different. I wanted to see the baby with my husband and other son. This meant that my other sons girlfriend needed to come as well. So there would have been 4 of us. My son stated to please stick to what was originally said. We did do this but I feel resentful that I didn?t agree to it first of all, and that I couldn?t see my boys all together. I know this may sound silly, but i wanted to take photos of my husband, and both sons holding the baby.

This has come to a head because I was trying to organise a family party so everyone could see baby. My son said it seemed a nice idea but thought his wife might find it a bit full on. Surprise surprise, she doesn?t think she?s up to it and wants to have time just the 3 of them. I suggested she might want to just come for a couple of hours and then go home to rest. But she said she?d be taking the baby home with her. She seems to forget that we are her child?s family and need to be included.

I have tried talking to my son about it and he understands. But things just stay the same and it is very frustrating.

YABU. Very much so.

You sound like the personification of every MIL from hell that I have seen on here.

"Using her role as new mother to date when other family members will meet the baby"

This is your mistake, OP. It is her actual, proper role to do just that. What on earth has made you think it is yours?

Give yourself a good shake. These responses have been harsh but you're not listening to the message. You will hurt yourself if you don't back down and learn how things work now. You have lost your priority to her because she is the mother and you are the grandmother. Take it well or take it badly, it's true and you only harm your relationship with your son and embarrass yourself in front of your extended family with this behaviour.

Hello amistillsexy

No I haven't cooked them a meal. She's not one for cooking so I will suggest that. Hopefully it will help to build bridges.

I have offered to hold the baby but was only allowed to for a few minutes and she was then grabbed off me.

It's more that she seems to be using her role as new mother to state when other family members will meet the baby etc

It's 6 weeks - if she is bf that will still be establishing - she is probably still recovering from the birth - and trying to enjoy and find her feet establish a routine get baby to sleep at night. Basically getting used to being a mother.

There are years for the extended family. Tha baby doesn't care about the extended family right now - just need it parents.

Everything seems to be about you. It's not.

She didn't really want my other son to visit, so it's as though what she says goes.

Ermm..yes, I'd say that 'what she says goes' is about right when she's not even 24 hours post-partum, bleeding profusely, wondering if and how she'll ever wee again (let alone take a crap), and trying to breastfeed, after having gone through the equivalent of running a marathon in terms of energy expenditure.

Why the actual fuck would she want your other son to visit her? Why would he want to at that stage? I have two brothers in law, and 3 sons. I've not seen either of my BILs rushing to my bedside the moment I've given birth . If they did, I'd find it very strange.

"she needs to realise that my grandchild is part of a wider family. "

Perhaps the members of the wider family need to call your DIL and arrange a visit?

You seem to think that YOU are central to the baby being part of the wider family. Your dil is responsible for that. Now your dil is a mother she is treading on your matriarchal toes and you don't like it...

I'm trying to take on board what people are saying and will also tell my son what people have said

Everything? You mean you will tell him that the overwhelming majority agree with her?

you mean that 'her child' is part of a wider family surely?

when DD was 8 weeks old my parents insisted on being my gran to visit. DH was working.I had to take them and DD out for lung. I was having huge bf issues which i didn't want to discuss with them. The whole day was majorly stressful & I can't think if anything worse than a big family party at that point.

OP at this age babies need their parents. Let's be honest, they are quite dull really, but I didn't anyone else interfering. Play your cards right & before you know it there'll be a toddler they'll be begging you to take if their hands for a few hours. Play it wrong and you risk alienating her for good

French, don't suggest cooking her a meal because she 'not one for cooking', ffs, just cook them something if you want to. To be nice. Don't attach any strings.

With regards to the 'in charge' phrasing. I know she is in charge of the baby. It's more that she seems to be using her role as new mother to state when other family members will meet the baby etc.
That's entirely her right, yes.

She didn't really want my other son to visit, so it's as though what she says goes.
That's also entirely her right, if she and her DH agree. Perhaps she has her own reasons for this?

I think she needs to realise that my grandchild is part of a wider family.
I think you need to realise that what is best for you and the wider family isn't necessarily whats best for your DIL and your son and their child. And since its their child, what they say goes...

Op,while you're busy slating your daughter-in-law for this,step back and think...

These decisions have been made by your own son too

Both of the babys' parents have taken this stand.Have a good look at yourself,before it's too late.

"She was grabbed off me"

Deal.

Not your new baby.

You are not actually entitled to anything, so anything you get is a gift. Start ring grateful and you'll get more.

You'll tell your son what everyone has said? So basically you will ring him up and inform him that apart from a single poster, eeeeeeeveryone has told you that you are terrifyingly overwhelming, batshit crazy, mind-bogglingly self-obsessed control freak who sees her DIL as a rent-a-womb who has pissed you off by having the audacity not to exist solely to let you take over her child?

Do you have a medical condition that makes you read every word the opposite of what is actually there? Because that could only be the answer for why your posts don't address everything that's being said and even seem to see them as being supportive! Sounds like you're determined to totally ruin things for yourself and, more importantly, oh so much more importantly, ruin this special time for this precious new little family unit, no matter what anyone says. Why even post here?!

Continue like this and you will never be forgiven. And rightly so.

I really feel for you French your displaying such manic blindness here. It doesnt sound like your close to your DIl at all - in which case how on earth do you know what she feels like, have you even thought that maybe she just doesnt want to disclose any gory details with you of the birth or PND because she isnt close to you?

Even if she is as right as rain, cant you see how your pushing this - and your attitude is probably what made her not want so many of you there when she prob knows you are all bitching about her behind her back and dont like her - then want to take her baby for a photoshoot, as you said - lots of pics of you and sons and your DH nad baby while she is sat there like the unwanted breeder....

Do you really really expect her to welcome that, or your son...it always AMAZES me when Mils like you sound so horrid to your dils, do you not like your own son, this woman is the woman he has chosen to spend his life with! Do you not think for that alone - whatever you think of her you should try and respect her?

I totally concur with the others that say she is trying to be as polite as possible using excuses why she doesnt want to go to your house for a party instead of saying F OFF>

I feel sorry for you - because of course any grandma wants to share the joy and gets excited etc....but I feel more sorry for your DIL, she has just gone through a major event in her life - and it sounds to me like having to puts rules in place she has already been dreading YOU. Isnt that sad!

As the mother of an 11wk old, who has a MIL almost exactly like you, let me give you some advice.

Back off now before your DIL decides she doesn't want to see you at all.

I'm this close to telling my MIL to do one.

Her child does NOT belong to you. You are a loon. Here. Have my first ever

is now seething inside as this OP's post has brought up all my stressed feelings given to me by my MIL who is also a loon and pushed me to the brink within days of giving birth..and breathe..and breath..

I also haven't read the whole thread. I don't have the energy and ennui is overcoming me.

BUT - is your DIL also telling her own mum and dad that she and your son need time to be a family?

If she is treating you and them the same then you have no complaint.

That's all.

Shy

Not one for cooking

Grabbed off me

Oh, so you think your DIL is some kind of early hominid?

You know what my DMIL did when I had a baby? Bought me some fizzy water because she knows I like it. When I argued with her son in the newborn phase, because I had no sleep and he wasn't being wonderful enough, she bought me flowers.

She is passed away now and I miss her. She was special and wonderful. She was also bossy and could be irritating but managed to curtail that around my baby and my relationship. Because she wasn't bloody stupid. Try to channel her OP.

Struggling to see what the problem is here; you DIL is completely right and all credit to her for sticking up for herself! With the greatest of respect; this is not all about you.

Wow, I'm shocked at this OP, I really did have no idea MILs like you really existed.

I do have some questions for you (sadly similar to unanswered ones up thread):

What help have you offered DIL?
Have you done any washing?
Any ironing?
Cleaning perhaps?
Taken baby for a short walk so DIL can wash in peace?

My MIL stayed for 10 days when my DS was 2 weeks old (lives other end of country). She cooked, she cleaned, she washed, she ironed. She looked after DS whilst I showered, she made me tea, "walked the floor" when he cried.
She was an angel.
She wasn't doing it to gain a medal, she did it because she's considerate, kind and nice.
Not once did she criticise any of what I was doing (and I was far more dictating of visitors and times etc), she just supported me and her son while we adjusted to OUR child's arrival.

Cut your family (I mean your DIL) some slack and help out, THAT'S what makes a good grandparent.

No I haven't cooked them a meal. She's not one for cooking so I will suggest that. Hopefully it will help to build bridges.

That is the first reasonable thing you've posted. That would be a lovely first step.

I have offered to hold the baby but was only allowed to for a few minutes and she was then grabbed off me.

That's pretty normal with a newborn. If you are supportive and laid back, she will become more relaxed and your cuddles with your grandchild will get much longer. Hell, give it a few months and if she feel comfortable with you she will be chucking the baby to you so she can have 5 :)

IT'S NOT YOUR BABY

Stop your passive aggressive whining FGS. Google passive aggressive whining domineering MiL and see if you can find a cure

Stop your passive aggressive criticism of your DiL. Every utterance is a negative drip about the mother of this child (the most precious person to this child).

No the mother of your grandchild needs support not orders. She has a new baby and is adjusting to a life with the baby. Don't put pressure on your son as its not fair on him. Forget the family party to 'present' the baby . Just be thankful that you have a lovely grandchild , don't ruin what relationship you could have with your DIL and the baby as you could end up with not having a relationship at all with either. Give them time and try to remember the hard times when you had your first baby...not just the easy bits.

OxfordBags I was assuming the OP will be reading out the posts from the one poster who agreed with her and then stop.