Son's wife and my grandchild

[Frenchspeak]

Hello
Have changed my name to protect privacy, I apologise in advance as this might be very long and rambling. Basically I want to get some views from you to help me sort this issue

The issue is that I feel pushed out of my son?s life. I get on ok with his wife but i have always found her difficult and this has been made worse since they had a child.

When she first had the baby they requested only 2 visitors at a time. I can understand that they didn?t want to be overwhelmed with guests but feel parents and siblings are different. I wanted to see the baby with my husband and other son. This meant that my other sons girlfriend needed to come as well. So there would have been 4 of us. My son stated to please stick to what was originally said. We did do this but I feel resentful that I didn?t agree to it first of all, and that I couldn?t see my boys all together. I know this may sound silly, but i wanted to take photos of my husband, and both sons holding the baby.

This has come to a head because I was trying to organise a family party so everyone could see baby. My son said it seemed a nice idea but thought his wife might find it a bit full on. Surprise surprise, she doesn?t think she?s up to it and wants to have time just the 3 of them. I suggested she might want to just come for a couple of hours and then go home to rest. But she said she?d be taking the baby home with her. She seems to forget that we are her child?s family and need to be included.

I have tried talking to my son about it and he understands. But things just stay the same and it is very frustrating.

OP you really are a prize...

Erm, OP, she IS in charge of HER child.

If you carry on with this shit you will lose out on seeing your grandchild, any future grandchildren and probably your son as well.

He won't choose you if you make it a choice, he'll choose his wife and child.

The only plus post for this op is clouds. Op has only posted a couple of times? Are they one and same?!?!

Could be my mil. Ugh.

Words fail me.mil was a bossy breeches pre babies but that went away (mostly) as soon as dc1 was born. You could learn a lot from her.

"it's usually up to me to put my foot down."

You don't have a foot to put down. They are their own little family unit and will do things their way.

Out of here ... this OP can't be for real. 'Night all.

Ah, your enabler dh agrees with you on everything but somehow it's always you "putting your foot down"

I think you should point your DIL towards MN. We'll sort her out for you

2 people rule was probably a hospital rule and even if not it os not a bad idea (though I would have preferred if they all came at once so they could all quickly fark off again and leave me in peace. But each to their own)

Party was a silly idea as its not your partyto throw.

Ds and Dil are in charge. It is their kid.

6 weeks is very young they need time to settle into the newness of it all.

You come across as very entitled and willlose out in the long run unless you back off.

My mil is a bitch but threads like this make me grateful I rarely have to deal with her.

If you don't watch it they will be putting their feet down regarding YOU.

Stop being a controlling nutter OP.

My mil has a similar attitude and it's done her no favours in the long run.
I wish I'd been as strong and from as your dil but I wasn't.
My mil turned up at my house the day after i got home following an emergency c section with a prem baby along with her brother and sil, who I'd previously met twice. After which arrived ten further members of the family in convoy. They stopped for six hours. I had to sit on the floor as there were no seats. They toted my baby around like he was a toy with mil saying "it's so and so's turn now" I also lost respect for my husband because he should have been on my side, I was vulnerable and shattered and couldn't stand up for myself. I'm glad your son has more sense.
When I'd had my ds and was desperately trying to feed him whilst still in hospital she suggested I give up and bottle feed him so that we could go home and she could show him off to all her friends. Sadly we never got the hang of breast feeding and I expressed for months on end instead, sometimes whilst I was expressing she stand outside the door telling me to "hurry up" because she wanted to "nurse" the baby.

And finally when I was pregnant she suggested fitting my planned c section around her holiday (which she had booked knowing me due date) and bringing it forward a week. I refused. And i was livid. And still am actually. Unfortunately ds was prem so ended up being an emerge cy c section and she wasn't on holiday. I was really hoping she would be on holiday when I had him as I knew she would be a massive pain in the arse.

Still in the long run it hasn't helped and I now am unwilling to cooperate with her at all. I allow her as little access to my child as I can. She was Vile to me when I was pregnant and unwell, telling me it only mattered about the baby and she very much saw me as a baby making vessel. And she also seemed to think that the baby would be hers. Consequently I push her out as much as I can because I can't forgive the way she behaved.
So I'd tred carefully. It isn't your child. You've had your children and now must step back a bit. It will be better in the long run than going in all guns blazing.

"Not allowed to share in the enjoyment of a new baby"??? Melodramatic, much?! How can you even type over the cacophany of all those tiny violins playing in the background?

You really have worked yourself up into a tizzy, haven't you? There are so many ways to share in the joy of a new arrival that it would break MN to list them all. What you really mean is that you are not being allowed to use the birth of the baby to make yourself feel and look good the way you want to. I'm saying this to try to get through to you, not to be bitchy. Your son and DIL not wanting loads of visitors and photography shortly after birth or feeling up to a party (or thinking it's not in the best interest of their child), is not them trying to piss on your chips.

I really,really hope that daughter-in-law is on MN and sees the support she is getting.

Because OP,you're making a show of yourself.And I'm beginning to suspect you must be hairy of hand.

With regards to the 'in charge' phrasing. I know she is in charge of the baby. It's more that she seems to be using her role as new mother to state when other family members will meet the baby etc. She didn't really want my other son to visit, so it's as though what she says goes. I'm trying to take on board what people are saying and will also tell my son what people have said. I think she needs to realise that my grandchild is part of a wider family.

OP, what have you done to be involved in the baby's life?

Cooked a meal and left it for them to heat up and eat later (without you there)?

Offered to clean the house while your DIL and son sleep/take the baby for a walk?

Run DIL a bath and held the baby whilst she relaxed?

Offered to clean their fridges/ toilets/ oven or any other horrible job that will have needed doing in the 6 weeks since the baby was born?

Done the supermarket shop for the family (even if they pay for it)?

Brought a care package for your DIl, filled with treats you know that she enjoys?

Maybe if you do just one or two of the things on this list, you would be more welcome in the lives of your son and DIL, and they would be more obliging when it came to your show-off party.

"I think you should point your DIL towards MN. We'll sort her out for you "

Yeah we'll sort her out with a standing ovation for putting up with you

"she seems to be using her role as new mother to state when other family members will meet the baby etc."

Yep, that would be fine.

"it's as though what she says goes"

You're getting there OP, you're getting there...

I am so glad you're not my MIL, you sound nuts. This is the most U, AIBU I have ever read. If I were your DIL you'd be lucky to have any contact at all.

For the last time.

What she says DOES go.

She can state who can visit.

She does not 'need to realise' anything and your behaviour will only push her further away.

But, you know, you could just carry on righteous as you are...

I have skimmed this thread, have only read the OP's posts so apologies if others have already responded similarly.

YABU. Beyond U.

" She's fairly shy around us. "
Since you've been here a year - you really must consider that she is not being shy, she is 'nodding and smiling'. Possibly inwardly seething all the while.

" It seems like she is using my grandchild as a means to be in charge."
In charge of WHAT? Newsflash - when it comes to your grandchild, as the mother of that child she IS in charge! Who exactly do you think should be in charge, and in charge of exactly what? Although it is obvious that you think you should be in charge, but again I would ask you - in charge of WHAT? (Or as they would say where I come from - who died and made you God?)

"She seems to forget that we are her child?s family and need to be included."
And you seem to forget that she is her child's closest family and, if you do not mend your ways, her child's gatekeeper.

I found the way you write quite telling. You hold her at arm's length - she is your son's wife, not your daughter-in-law. (I suspect you were picked up on this by other posters as she was d-i-l in one of your later posts. Hmm. Not DIL, as would be usual for someone who's been here over a year. Hmm.) You expect family to attend YOUR party to see YOUR son and YOUR grandchild. Really, nobody in YOUR family would come to see her? Are you all utter bastards?

You need to look at yourself and your behaviour towards this woman honestly, and mend your ways. And do it fast, because in her shoes I'd be keeping you as far away from me as I could.

Oh dear I don't even have DC and this is unreal, its made me laugh it so unreal 10/10

"it's as though what she says goes" - Yes, OP, that would be about it.

Your life must be pretty empty if you are driven to be this controlling. Do something nice for someone else instead of diva-ing all over other people . it works.

Of course she gets to say when other family members get to meet the baby, because it's HER baby!

bangs head on wall

OMG!! I can't quite believe that you are getting all this good advice and the only one you are acknowledging or listening to is the one person who has agreed with you.

Your DIL, yes, that is what she is, your DIL, not just your sons wife. Even the way you describe her tried to diminish her importance, is in charge. It his her baby. Yes, she can threaten to not let you see your grandchild, but she hasn't doen that-yet!! Be aware that should you continue with your controlling domineering behaviour she may well take that option. She is not threatening it, but I am warning you, it could happen!!

Eight weeks old and you want to throw a party and have the baby handed round like some pass the parcel? Not a good idea. I would have hated it. I would not have allowed it. Surely the first 'party' that a baby gets to be a star at is their Christening if the parents are so inclined, or their first birthday. It is not OK for the GPs to control these events either.

Have a heart. The poor woman is struggling with new motherhood, trying to bond with her baby and dealing with the hormones involved in not long having given birth.

The reason things are not changing when you talk to your son is that he agrees with his wife. He just doesn't want to stand up to you.

Up to you whether you listen to this or not, but be warned you could not only lose your DIL, but you could lose your DS and GS and you will only have yourself to blame.

Im so bloody glad you're not my MIL, you've had your turn now let her have hers and catch a grip.her baby is exactly that her baby, and her dhs. So leave them alone to get to know each other and stop being so self centred.

YABU and making a right fool of yourself

Everyone of your posts is littered with: me, I, we. What about your dil? She's just gone through nine months of pregnancy and a birth at the end of it, people pleasing is probably not high on her agenda at the moment.

She has to realise my grandchild is part of a wider family, uh no, you have to understand what she wants to do goes. You have no right, that's no right!

An off to bed and I have a sneaking suspicion this wont be on my threads I'm on in the morning.