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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to give my friend a lift?

131 replies

SpringTimeRain · 15/01/2013 20:19

Me and a two friends have decided to start taking an exercise class on a Wednesday. Another friend text me today to say that she is coming too and could I give her a lift?

I don't mind helping out a friend in the slightest and in this instance this is a friend who relies on everyone to drive her places (she cannot drive), she will never offer money for petrol, parking and you'll be quite lucky to get a thank you from her.

We are hopefully going to be taking this class every week so I know it will become a regular thing of me having to drive her there too.

I think I might be being unreasonable because I go by her house on the way anyway so I'm not going out of my way, but for the reasons stated above I don't think I'm being overly unreasonable to not want to give her a lift.

(She also stated in her text that she has no way of getting there which is completely untrue as there is a bus stop 2 minutes from her house and it even has a stop outside where we are going.)

OP posts:
Diddydollydo · 16/01/2013 07:00

I don't really understand why you have let this go on for years without saying anything to be honest. Why haven't you been honest with her before about how you feel if she's your friend?

I always pick up my friend on my way to the gym because I drive past her house. She's my friend and I like her. If you're saying that this woman brings nothing to your friendship then perhaps that's the issue rather than anything else.

Sugarice · 16/01/2013 07:29

I'm a non driver, if ever I needed a lift , such as when me and a friend did swimming classes together with our ds3's back when they learnt together I offered money for petrol.

She always refused so when we finished at each holiday I bought her flowers or bought her lunch as a thank you.

OP, I don't blame you for feeling taken for granted but don't stew on it, tell her.

hopenglory · 16/01/2013 07:36

Just say that you'll pick her up if you see her outside waiting for the bus, but you can't guarantee that you'll always be going or that you'll always be going from home

pigletmania · 16/01/2013 07:42

I agree diddly, she does not sound like a good friend of yours, more like someone you know, does not make tem your friend. Her attitude would really bug me. If she is not able to get to the venue by herself without needing a lift, she has to look for one closer to where she lives like I and other non car drivers have to, or if she is desparate to go, get a taxi.

LoopsInHoops · 16/01/2013 07:45

I can't believe you're asking this or that you would ever expect petrol money from a friend unless perhaps you were going miles (ie. 200) out of your way! Shock

ZillionChocolate · 16/01/2013 08:02

YANBU. I think you need to deal with this now. If you felt she was contributing to the relationship, then I suspect you wouldn't mind. The manipulation about no other way is irritating.

If you're going to go regularly, then there seems not to be any harm in picking her up. I'd definitely go for "fine, be by the door at X:XX. I'll pay the petrol, you pay the parking". I don't think it matters that you'd be going anyway and incurring those costs, I'd see them as joint costs. It's not just petrol either. HMRC allow you 45p a mile which as I understand it covers (or is intended to) fuel, depreciation, wear and tear, insurance, servicing etc.

I've only accepted petrol money for a journey over hundreds of miles or for a regular shared journey. I work on the basis with friends that it's swings and roundabouts, but none of my friends try to take me for a mug.

Smellslikecatspee · 16/01/2013 08:11

But it sounds like its not swings and roundabouts here.
Loads of you have given examples where you do X and they do Y, or the driver has offered. Neither of which seem to be the case here.
Big difference between offering to do something and been guilted in to it.

beals692 · 16/01/2013 08:30

"YABNU, IMHO, the bit that would bug me, in particular, is that fact that she said she would have no way of getting there. If that was true, why would she have signed up"

The original poster says that she invited two friends, then this other woman texted saying she was going to come and asking for a lift ie these other friends have obviously been talking to her about this class, the fact that OP is driving to it and presumably invited her to be a fourth person in the group. Maybe the conversation went something like this:

Friends: Do you want to join us and OP at this exercise class at x gym?
Woman-you-don't-like: That gym's a bit of a nightmare to get to by bus (Note to car drivers - Just because there's a bus stop doesn't mean there are regular buses, that they run into the evening or that they go to wherever you want to go to!)
Friends: Well, why don't you ask OP for a lift? She'll have to drive right past your house to get there so it shouldn't be a problem. Why don't you text her?

I don't know OP's group of friends but I can definitely imagine that happening in my circle of friends, if they presume that OP is friends with this individual, they would think that she would be happy for this person to come along and to give them a lift, particularly if it wasn't taking them out of their way at all. OP uses the word 'friend' for this woman when she clearly doesn't like her (whatever the reasons - which seem to go back a lot further and a lot deeper than this lift to the gym) so it's not surprising that her other friends would be confused.

DeWe · 16/01/2013 10:22

I get what you're saying. But having been the person who doesn't drive, people very rarely accept petrol money even if you've taken them out of their way for you. I offered most times, and I don't think it was ever accepted. I would try to buy a coffee or something for them when out though.
If someone was giving me a regular lift, then I would usually choose to give them something like chocolates/wine roughly end of each term.

I would have actually liked it if someone had said that they'd like to go halves (or more for me) on petrol because I then would have felt less guity at asking.
I also would have in that situation chosen to get the bus and if someone had chosen to offer a lift it would be a bonus. I would not ask unless I had no other public transport available.

I think if you say that you're often going somewhere else afterwards but you'll give her a lift when you're not that would be a reasonable compromise. Then you can give her a lift sometimes.

MusicalEndorphins · 16/01/2013 10:36

So one of the three of you drives. It is only reasonable and fair that the petrol is split three ways. If not for the OP, they would have to pay bus fare. Maybe word it something like this "If you guys would like to split the petrol cost with me, I'd be glad to pick you up each week"?

You could speak to friend one privately and explain the reason you will be requesting this is that you are tired of friend two always taking but never giving back.

Sometimes people are simply clueless, and need to be shown the right way, in a way that they will see the light, without being embarrassed.

KhallDrogo · 16/01/2013 10:50

Yes, because you must only do favours for friends for the pay-back and gratitude Hmm

I presume that your friends has other qualities that you find valuable, despite her not being able to drive and over looking the offer of parking/petrol costs. If you do not recognise any positive attributes that out weigh this, then you are not her friend

Jeez...people make life complicated. She is your friend...why don't you talk to her about a financial contribution instead of bitchy about her on an internet forum

pigletmania · 16/01/2013 11:08

Khalldo that is totally not right and as a non car driver I do not agree with you at all. When my friend and I used to go out, she asked me whether I minded paying a little for petrol, it did not offend me in the slightest, she is a lovely erson and we have been friends for over 20 years (I am 35). If we go out I aways offer her petrol r sometimes she will say to buy her a drink, it's a mutual understanding.

Petrol money aside, I would not want to give regular lifts to someone who has very little manners, and can't even manage a thank you, who is very entitled how rude. Even my dd 5 who as autism says please and thank you.

One23 · 16/01/2013 11:17

I don't see what the problem is? You are driving past her house anyway! I wouldn't offer a friend petrol money if they were driving past my house and I wouldn't expect a friend to pay me petrol money for a short journey I was doing anyway (long drive to another part of the country would be different, but I assume this is local)

As for your analogy about taking friend's children to school...I take my friend's daughter to school 3 times a week (I have her from 8am) and collect her from school and she has tea here with us all 3 times a week (til 5/6pm) She could pay a childminder but as I am a SAHM and doing the exact same school run anyway it seems silly for my friend to waste money this way when I can help. She does not do the exact same favour in return much as she works but she does other favours for me.

Of course your friend cannot return the favour in the same way, as she does not drive. Does she do anything else for you, does she act like a good friend, is she caring and kind and friendly towards you? If so then she is your friend and picking her up on your way to a gym class is not too much for a friend to do. Of course if she is not a good friend in other ways and you are feeling resentful that she is just using you, end the friendship.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/01/2013 11:18

Not sure where you got your scenario from beals692. The OP said " Me and two friends have decided to start taking an exercise class on a Wednesday. Another friend text me today to say that she is coming too and could I give her a lift?"

She did not 'invite' these two friends, it appears to be more a mutual decision. The other two friends need not have 'invited' the friend under discussion either; it's just as likely it was mentioned casually in a New-Year's_Resolution-get-fit-going-to-start-exercise-class-Wednesdays-X-and-Y-going-too sort of way. As friend has form of several years standing of expecting asking for lifts, there's no reason to assume it was suggested to her either. If anything, it sounds more as she self-invited.

Similarly MusicalEndorphins, not sure where you got "So one of the three of you drives" from. There is nothing in any of the OP's posts about how the original two friends are getting to the gym, and since OP has not said she is giving either of them a lift I would assume they are getting there under their own steam. It is only this fourth person who is asking for a lift.

KhallDrogo · 16/01/2013 11:35

What don't you agree with piglet?

pigletmania · 16/01/2013 11:40

Well no you don't do favours because of money I agree on that point, but that aside the friend sounds rude. Yes gratitude or good manners is important I would not like to give lifts to rude entitled people who can't even bother with a thank you, that would put me right off

pigletmania · 16/01/2013 11:42

The op said she relies on people to give her lifts to places, and can't even manage a thank you. How wrong, she is not self sufficient, and sunds very entitled. That would put me off in a friend

pigletmania · 16/01/2013 11:43

Sounds a bit of a drain if you ask me, it costs nothing to have some manners

FreePeaceSweet · 16/01/2013 12:04

I'd give her a lift without comment tbh. But this clearly is about way more than giving free lifts. If she's a crap friend then either tell her and give her chance to buck up or just cut her out. If she was a friend you held in high esteem then this wouldn't even be an issue would it?

LadyBeagleEyes · 16/01/2013 12:19

As a non driver, who occasionally gets lifts from people, I always offer to pay fuel costs.
Petrol is expensive, it's only fair and polite when someone is doing you a favour.

shewhowines · 16/01/2013 12:21

Y would BU if you didn't actually give her a lift - although you will so you are NBU, but YANBU to resent the constant expectation without any gratitude. It would cheese me off too.

pigletmania · 16/01/2013 12:25

I would rather go to a different class than give someone like that a lift

ArtfulAardvark · 16/01/2013 12:27

I can understand you feeling resentful, it does seem like she either just takes advantage or doesnt think to offer to pay her way.

As you are passing her home any way I would take her but, if you need to pay for parking I would say "as I am driving you can pay for parking" which is only fair.

Any further requests which involve long trips out of your way I would ensure that she knows he has to pay for any parking and fuel before making a committment, some people just dont think about these things.

KhallDrogo · 16/01/2013 13:21

piglet I wouldn't even notice if a friend thanked me for a lift or not....no doubt we would ne chatty about summat else ad they exited the vehicle! My fuel and parking costs would be way off set by the shared shennanigans/friendly ear/ timely cups of tea or wine/being there in a crisis etc etc

Like others have said, if this person offers none of this then OP is not unreasonable to feel pissed off at being asked for a lift. BUT OP describes her as a friend. If she is a friend, then OP is being ridiculous

MeganMascara · 16/01/2013 13:22

I wouldn't even notice if a friend thanked me for a lift or not

I would notice. Bad manners really annoy me, if a friend had done me a favour then the least I could say is - thank you.