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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to give my friend a lift?

131 replies

SpringTimeRain · 15/01/2013 20:19

Me and a two friends have decided to start taking an exercise class on a Wednesday. Another friend text me today to say that she is coming too and could I give her a lift?

I don't mind helping out a friend in the slightest and in this instance this is a friend who relies on everyone to drive her places (she cannot drive), she will never offer money for petrol, parking and you'll be quite lucky to get a thank you from her.

We are hopefully going to be taking this class every week so I know it will become a regular thing of me having to drive her there too.

I think I might be being unreasonable because I go by her house on the way anyway so I'm not going out of my way, but for the reasons stated above I don't think I'm being overly unreasonable to not want to give her a lift.

(She also stated in her text that she has no way of getting there which is completely untrue as there is a bus stop 2 minutes from her house and it even has a stop outside where we are going.)

OP posts:

KoalaTale · 15/01/2013 22:24

Yanbu. She sounds rude. See if she offers you some money, if not be coming from a different direction each week thereafter and unable to provide a free taxi service for her.

rainrainandmorerain · 15/01/2013 22:25

It's the wrong journey to make a stand about, is the problem. As it is on your way and you're going to the same class, it's no real inconvenience to you.

But if you are asked for a lift to something else in a more piss-takey way, you can say no - or ask for help with costs. I think that's fair enough.

I've come across 2 annoying attitudes from non drivers. One is that some just don't think about costs/effort/practicality, because they don't drive themselves and it just doesn't occur to them. They seem to think I know the route everywhere and can park pretty much outside anywhere they want. And never get tired on long journeys. There's nothing malicious there at all, it's just... they don't think about it. They're like kids being driven around by parents!

the other attitude is actually a bit more entitled, and it annoys me. It's the kind of 'I don't have a car, you do, so obviously you should drive me around.' I think it's connected to the idea that if I have a car, I must have money and therefore it's somehow my job to drive those less fortunate than I around, IYSWIM. Which ignores the fact I have an old crappy cheap car and make some sacrifices to have that much.

So I understand you are irritated, but this journey isn't the one to make your stand over, IMO.

ThatVikRinA22 · 15/01/2013 22:29

i dont get it really.

if you seriously have an issue with it then just say No.

ZenNudist · 15/01/2013 22:35

What rainrainandmorerain just said.

Why doesn't she drive? Do you actually want to stay friends? Do you get anything out of the friendship or is it just convenient as you're in the same group? What's you're usual way of dealing with conflict?

DoodlesNoodles · 15/01/2013 22:35

YANBU. I completely see where you are coming from with not wanting to give her a lift. However, I think you are making the problem worse by not asking her to contribute to the cost of driving. If you ask her, she should be happy to contribute, if she is not happy then that proves to you that she is a pisstaker.

Use The AA's guide to car running costs as a base for how much to charge. There are seperate guides for petrol and diesel cars.

I wonder what all the posters who say YABU would do if they were in your friends position and were asked to contribute to petrol costs?

Good luck. Be strong!

mercibucket · 15/01/2013 22:37

be randomly available for lifrs, so you often are not driving past her house, that way she won't expect a lift every week
this would annoy me too - its the entitled attitude not the request itself

gimmecakeandcandy · 15/01/2013 22:37

You are getting quite harsh responses and I get how you feel. She sounds very ungrateful and like a user. But if you have been doing her favours for years and she is always the same you are at fault for putting up with it!

AnaisB · 15/01/2013 22:39

Agree with rain - if it happeens so often make a stand on a journey where youbre not driving past her house and doing an exercise class together. X x

Crazybit · 15/01/2013 22:40

YANBU She takes the piss. I see where you're coming from. Agree it is maybe the wrong journey to make a stand about though. As long as she is ready as you get there and you're not waiting. Is she like this in general or just thoughtless as she doesn't drive and doesn't understand how much it costs?

hrrumph · 15/01/2013 22:40

I think it depends on the type of friend really. If a good friend, who doesn't happen to drive for whatever reason, no problem.

If a random acquaintance who's a bit of a piss taker - maybe not.

I think the non driving is a separate issue to the being a not particularly good friend/user.

AnaisB · 15/01/2013 22:40

I do no know why i ended that with kisses - sorry for being wierd.

thegingerone · 15/01/2013 22:42

I agree with rainrainandmorerain about this not being the journey to make a stand on. There is obviously an issue here between the two of you and you need to deal with it but prob not on this one. I understand why you' 're getting so many YABUs. In practice it' s not a great hardship to pick her up. l have a "friend" just like her and I feel your pain. So YANBU about the relationship.

ConfusedPixie · 15/01/2013 22:43

If this is a habit of hers, like you say it is, then YADNBU. She's come to expect to be driven around and whilst it isn't out of your why, it's very cheeky, and after years of it, very annoying. You should tell her this because otherwise she'll slowly find people dropping her as they get more annoyed by this behaviour.

ilovesooty · 15/01/2013 22:43

Running/petrol costs are higher if you have a passenger, so I don't get all the responses saying it doesn't cost extra to take her.

It's her entitled attitude and being tied into an obligation that would make me want to say no though.

Snog · 15/01/2013 22:45

Give her a lift and get her to pay for the parking
Everyone's a winner

ProphetOfDoom · 15/01/2013 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigletmania · 15/01/2013 23:25

YANBU op, i would just say look that's fine, but can we split the petrol costs, or give me a few quid for petrol. If she says no, than dont do it. I am a non car driver, but would never expect anybody to give me a lift,if they did offer I would offer petrol money

pigletmania · 15/01/2013 23:33

she sounds a bit of a srounger tbh and I honestly do not blame you, she does not sound like a good friend. she only contacts you when she wants something, i would say no or ask for money

BackforGood · 15/01/2013 23:47

I think perhaps you must have a different interpretation of the word 'friend' from my idea of a friend.

Why on earth would you not let a friend jump in when you are driving past her home to end up at the same place ?

Dubjackeen · 15/01/2013 23:50

YABNU, IMHO, the bit that would bug me, in particular, is that fact that she said she would have no way of getting there. If that was true, why would she have signed up, and if she didn't have a way of getting there, that is really not your problem. I haven't been in the situation, but this would annoy me. As other posters have said, I would either say, straight up-ok but we need to split the costs-or, I would make sure that I was not always available, i.e. have other (genuine) plans either before or after class, so that it doesn't become a 'taken for granted' lift. It costs a lot to run a car and I would be well ticked off is someone was taking a lift for granted, without as much as a 'thank you'.

pigletmania · 15/01/2013 23:56

Exactly Dub, its not the lift, but her attitiude, her entitlement that would really irk me. That she said she would have noway of getting there, so would be expecting a lift despite having buses nearby which she could use. that kind of person gives us non car drivers a bad name

DoodlesNoodles · 15/01/2013 23:57

My DS is in a shared house at Uni, he doesn't drive and one of the other lads often gives him lifts. My son does not offer to help pay for petrol, he insists on it and does pay. IYSWIM He also never asks for lifts.

Smellslikecatspee · 16/01/2013 00:03

UANBU. Even without the history and I say this as a non driver.
I would never expect someone to give me a regular lift without offering to pay.
She's a piss taker, why did she sign up for these classes without making sure she could get herself there.

hrrumph · 16/01/2013 00:09

I think perhaps you must have a different interpretation of the word 'friend' from my idea of a friend.

i'd agree with that one.

I don't drive. But i regularly look after my friend's dd and take her to an activity - on foot. We often stop at a cafe for a snack. Sometimes my friend drives mine home. Sometimes my friend takes mine out for a day and I'll give her the entrance fee and a packed lunch - but there'll invariably be an ice cream or something she's paid a pound for. Sometimes we take her dd out at the weekend (my dh drives). Currently I take my friend's dd to an activity once a week because she can't. Yes it's harder than just taking my own, but it's what you do because you're friends.

Neither of us add up the extra weight in the car or analyse how much petrol that might use. Nor do we add up how many cakes we've bought the dc.

It's just swings and roundabouts.

This analysing costs is bizarre and petty. If she's not that good a friend, say no.

Bus routes tend to be infrequent. So you might think there's a bus route, but it doesn't run at that particular time. A lot of ours stop at 5pm or they run hourly - so if the class ends at a particular time, there's no bus for an hour.

My dh belongs to an adult education group. There's a lady he doesn't know from adam who wouldn't be able to go if someone didn't pick her up. He picks her up. It's five minutes out of his way. she never offers petrol (she's 85) and he doesn't ask for any. Neither does he analyse how much it costs. But happiness comes from giving.

Sometimes I think all the goodwill has gone out of life.

But please - not all non drivers are greedy grasping lazy types, who don't appreciate the cost of petrol. Personally I have never asked anybody for a lift in my adult life.

BoneyBackJefferson · 16/01/2013 06:40

It's just swings and roundabouts.

I suspect that if it was swings and roundabouts it wouldn't be an issue

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