Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to give my friend a lift?

131 replies

SpringTimeRain · 15/01/2013 20:19

Me and a two friends have decided to start taking an exercise class on a Wednesday. Another friend text me today to say that she is coming too and could I give her a lift?

I don't mind helping out a friend in the slightest and in this instance this is a friend who relies on everyone to drive her places (she cannot drive), she will never offer money for petrol, parking and you'll be quite lucky to get a thank you from her.

We are hopefully going to be taking this class every week so I know it will become a regular thing of me having to drive her there too.

I think I might be being unreasonable because I go by her house on the way anyway so I'm not going out of my way, but for the reasons stated above I don't think I'm being overly unreasonable to not want to give her a lift.

(She also stated in her text that she has no way of getting there which is completely untrue as there is a bus stop 2 minutes from her house and it even has a stop outside where we are going.)

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 15/01/2013 21:32

a long time ago I had a friend like this.
Never asked outright just passive/agressive about blackmailing for lifts.

In my case I always had to wait for them to leave the house (they where never on time)
I had to wait for them to leave (they always found someone to chat to)

The very last time they did this was the night before some very important exams, I wanted an earlyish night. In the end I left them to make their own way home.

Original poster
SpringTimeRain · 15/01/2013 21:35

YABU or you don't know the meaning of the word friend

I know the meaning of friend, and I also know that a friendship shouldn't just be one sided.

OP posts:
SweetSeraphim · 15/01/2013 21:38

Ok, so this is clearly a build up of issues. I see why you're reacting like this now.

In which case, all things considered, I would have to make a stand at this point. You're going to have to be really assertive and say either that you don't want to be tied into an arrangement, or that you will need to have petrol contributions.

Ivehadbetterdays · 15/01/2013 21:38

I had a similar situation to this once.
I text friend one week and said I wouldn't be able to pick her up on the way, as I was visiting my parents and going straight from theirs (other side of town) so instead of getting a reply of "no worries, I will see you there" I got "oh great!, looks like I won't be going this week then!" Hmm

SweetSeraphim · 15/01/2013 21:42

It never ceases to amaze me what pisstakers some people are.

DSM · 15/01/2013 21:45

YABU. And mean. Sorry.

I've given lifts a thousand times, and received lifts from others. I have friends who don't drive and for 10 years, I didn't. None of us have ever offered petrol money to another. It's odd.

Even when we all went on holiday together, I got up an hour early and picked everyone up, including helping them all with their luggage etc.. then took us all to the airport. The parking was paid out the kitty but it never occurred to me to ask for petrol money?

And on previous trips others have been the driver, never asked for petrol.

It's very odd. They are your friends! It's a bit like if you are in a bar and you buy drinks separately. Or if your friend needed a few pounds for something (bus, juice, coffee etc.) and you expected it back.

BornInACrossFireHurricane · 15/01/2013 21:45

I do think it's a little mean spirited BUT in your case there is obviously built up resentment

Maybe give her a lift to the gym but be prepared to address any future issues as they arise

DSM · 15/01/2013 21:46

Though I suspect your issue is nothing to do with the lift, and in fact that your friend doesn't seem to be your friend unless she wants something. She's a taker.

fairylightsandtinsel · 15/01/2013 21:48

there is also the issue of the basic use of the car. It costs £££ to run a car, not just petrol, but upkeep, insurance and tax. If you are paying 100% of that, why should someone else get all the benefits of having a car (door to door service) with none of the overheads? If it is a regular thing I would want some petrol contribution as an acknowledgment of the favour, especially if she does not reciprocate favours in any other way.

MerylStrop · 15/01/2013 21:49

Why is she planning to go to an exercise class that she has "no way" of getting to.

Generally I'd say it's mean not to give her a lift but this is clearly taking the piss.

Original poster
SpringTimeRain · 15/01/2013 21:51

Ok thanks everyone for the different opinions.

I have text her to say I will pick her up on the way. But if she asks me the same next week then I will mention something otherwise I'm just going to get more and more annoyed.

OP posts:
bebanjo · 15/01/2013 21:58

i can only assume that this friend has never done any favour for you or your family,
never once helped you out with anything, so she cant drive does that mean she has never done anything ever, never flowers or chocolates, never done your ironing, babysat, done some sewing, showed you how to do something, picked up something from town for you. that does not sound like any friend ive ever had.

AndBingoWasHisNameOh · 15/01/2013 22:01

There was a long thread recently about non drivers being irritating. This is exactly the sort of non driver that annoys who doesn't pay their way, has expectations of lifts and isn't grateful.

Op YANBU. Why should she always be a free rider? Why should she never put her hand in her pocket? In your shoes I'd be thoroughly hacked off with her years of poor behaviour.

OldBagWantsNewBag · 15/01/2013 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GreenEggsAndNichts · 15/01/2013 22:05

YANBU. It wears on you after a while. :( I drove in the US, I don't drive here (will get my license! So intimidating trying to take a driving test again as an adult..) so I've been on both sides. I am always appreciative and offer to share costs when someone gives me a lift.

Lonelybunny · 15/01/2013 22:09

It would piss me off! I'm the only one out of my family who drives and I am
Sick and tired of being used for lifts and help even picked up mums friends purchase from eBay once I'm sick of it so no YANBU ! Tell her to get the bus bloody cheek! She probably just expected it as do a lot of people I know ! I'm sick of playing taxi as I'm sure you are too

threesocksmorgan · 15/01/2013 22:09

yanbu
she should learn to drive and get a car if she wants to go by car

INeedALieIn · 15/01/2013 22:12

You are acting as a free transport subsidy.

Her lack of gratitude, appreciation or attempt to do a good deed in return would piss me off.

bluer · 15/01/2013 22:13

yanbu! I am more than happy to give people without cars a lift etc but I do think people who don't drive have no idea of the expense etc. I had a so called friend who used to ask me favours like this so she didn't have to pay a taxi....taking her to shops etc..it wears thin after a while. I don't mind lifts etc but when there's never so much as the offer when you pay for parking etc it does annoy

Lonelybunny · 15/01/2013 22:13

And also what if want to go shopping after etc its not fair on you , but it will be difficult to get out of as your going past her house

DeafLeopard · 15/01/2013 22:15

Most non-drivers that I know don't expect lifts, and usually offer petrol money etc...however there are a small minority who seem to expect that drivers love being their own personal taxi service and it sounds like OPs friend is one of these.

Lonelybunny · 15/01/2013 22:15

It takes the piss seriously ! I know how you feel, I used to ferry people bout but I just cannot afford the petrol now. Someone asked today to take them to a shop as they needed something urgently , I said I can't sorry I've run out of petrol

emsyj · 15/01/2013 22:16

I'm one of those people who will always give a lift and I'm happy to do it - I will drive anywhere anytime and have no interest in petrol money or parking fees, but I would hate the regularity of this type of obligation and would be really reluctant to get into an arrangement like this.

I am a horribly late person and it would stress me out to have to add in the extra time to pick up, plus the inevitable 'where are you?' texts hurrying me along, then as another poster said you have to wait for them to be ready to leave etc. It's so irritating.

I went to an exercise class (which I'd been going to for years and years) with a neighbour once and I was ready to explode by the end of the evening - I had to wait ages while she found a water bottle, then she was faffing with a big bag of towels and toiletries thinking we would shower there afterwards (at the skanky council gym, when I had an exclusively bf 12 week old baby and just wanted to get in and out of there as fast as possible) - we were late and missed warm-up, then by the time she'd had another lengthy faff looking at posters, going to the loo twice, asking about other classes at reception etc we were late home and DD was screaming so loudly for milk that I could hear her from the car as we pulled up outside the house. I never went with her again after that, and fortunately she fell pregnant quite soon afterwards so it was never a huge issue Grin.

So YANBU to not want to be obliged to do this every week, but I can't think of a way to get out of it without appearing rude and petty.

Lonelybunny · 15/01/2013 22:17

And I genuinely had ! I need to get the kids to school tommorow but I will probably have to walk the 2 miles in the freezing cold like all the other non drivers

ImperialBlether · 15/01/2013 22:17

I think the OP is being expected to be a good friend when the other woman isn't a good friend to her.

It's a pain giving someone a lift every week, unless you really like them. It's much nicer and easier to go on your own. For it to be worth your while taking someone, you have to feel that they appreciate it, and that they appreciate it enough to put their hand in their pocket.

This woman hasn't been in touch until it came to her wanting a lift.

OP, I wouldn't want to do it either. I don't blame you.

Swipe left for the next trending thread