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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to give my friend a lift?

131 replies

SpringTimeRain · 15/01/2013 20:19

Me and a two friends have decided to start taking an exercise class on a Wednesday. Another friend text me today to say that she is coming too and could I give her a lift?

I don't mind helping out a friend in the slightest and in this instance this is a friend who relies on everyone to drive her places (she cannot drive), she will never offer money for petrol, parking and you'll be quite lucky to get a thank you from her.

We are hopefully going to be taking this class every week so I know it will become a regular thing of me having to drive her there too.

I think I might be being unreasonable because I go by her house on the way anyway so I'm not going out of my way, but for the reasons stated above I don't think I'm being overly unreasonable to not want to give her a lift.

(She also stated in her text that she has no way of getting there which is completely untrue as there is a bus stop 2 minutes from her house and it even has a stop outside where we are going.)

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 15/01/2013 20:50

Just text her back and say 'thats fine, we split the petrol, say a fiver a week up front' - the ball is in her court

ceebie · 15/01/2013 20:50

Why can't you ask her to split any costs?

DoItToJulia · 15/01/2013 20:52

Mean spirited is the best description for this!

Not sure I would want you to be my friend...you are going to incur the same cost with or without your friend on board. If you are that bothered about her contributing then ask fgs!

PureQuintessence · 15/01/2013 20:53

I can see where you are coming from. I suggest texting/emailing her the following.

"The class starts at 8pm, I leave home 7.45, expect to be passing by yours at 7.50, and if you are at the roadside waiting you will of course get a lift, but I wont stop and I wont wait so ensure you give yourself good time if you want the lift."

cookielove · 15/01/2013 20:53

I do understand where you are coming from but i would still give her a lift and on the days that you are unable to or don't want to then don't.

If you this annoyed at her, why don't you tell her?

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/01/2013 20:55

OP, I know a lot of people are telling you YABU, but I totally get why you resent giving her a lift. By saying she has no other way of getting to the class - something you know to be a lie - she is pressuring you to say yes. That's not a nice thing for one friend to do to another. So since she CAN get there by bus, it comes down to her PREFERRING a lift. And since she feels no need to offer to share costs - and worse, does not even thank you for a lift - it is not unreasonable to see her preference being due to saving money, and to see her attitude to you (and anyone else who she imposes upon) as "what a mug". I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who I thought looked on me as a mug.

If you want to be friends, you need to raise it with her, it's festering with you just now and that isn't good for you. It's possible that she has a blind spot, and just doesn't see how her behaviour comes across to other people.

Maybe respond to her along the lines of "OK, I'll cover the petrol and you can pay for the parking.". Or the more direct "OK, since you save on not getting the number 55 bus there you can pay for our parking". It might be enough to make her think about all her 'free' lifts.

aftermay · 15/01/2013 20:55

Let her tag along. You might be grateful when your motivation wanes and she's the kick you need to keep going.

mrlazysfishwife · 15/01/2013 20:55

But if she wants to go and you don't stop and get her on the way past her house then she'll have to get the bus, no? Not that I think getting the bus is a hardship BUT it seems silly her having to do that if you do actually drive past her house. Especially once you come out of the class and you drive off towards her house as she waits at the bus stop in the cold!

Like others have said, ask for a contribution to the parking fee, but I don't think she'll want to be your friend for much longer if you just say no as it seems very petty.

stormforce10 · 15/01/2013 20:58

I don't drive for medical reasons but I hate asking for lifts though sometimes I can see no reasonable choice - for example dd's been invited to a party which would take three hours each way to get to by bus or about £30 taxi ride each way so I'm going to ask one of her friends mums if they'd mind taking her too but I will be offering petrol money. However for lots of things there are other ways of getting about - bus, taxi, trains, even walking. If I have to ask for a lift I offer petrol money and / or offer to return the favour in anothe way. For example I could pick up dd's friends from school or pay for a taxi on a night out. Yes its expensive but so is running a car so chances are it evens out

I don't think YABU people like her give non drivers a bad name

Honkyponk · 15/01/2013 20:58

Try and change your way of thinking. Doing something for someone else, regardless of whether it is reciprocated, could make you feel good if you'd let it.

Original poster
SpringTimeRain · 15/01/2013 21:01

I am obviously going to give her a lift, but I think it's like most people have said it's a festering resentment.

I also find it annoying that I haven't heard from her for a while either and the first text she sends me in 2013 is asking me to do her a favour.

OP posts:
SweetSeraphim · 15/01/2013 21:02

What Honkyponk said.

I think you're being mean. If you had to go out of your way to pick her up and drop her home, then fair enough. But you go right pasy her house Confused I don't understand why you would want petrol money or parking if you're going anyway....

verytellytubby · 15/01/2013 21:05

I wouldn't expect petrol money if I was driving past her house. Seems very mean.

Original poster
SpringTimeRain · 15/01/2013 21:05

Not sure I would want you to be my friend.

Comments like this really aren't needed ^

Say that I'm being unreasonable fine, I did ask so I obviously want peoples opinions even if they want to disagree with me.

But such personal and spiteful comments like that just aren't needed. You don't know anything about me, or how many times I have given her a lift, even taking her to the airport which is a 3 hours journey altogether and never expecting a penny off her.

But because I'm getting rather annoyed with it now and know this will turn into a regular thing then therefore that automatically makes me a horrible person not worthy of friends.

OP posts:
HecateWhoopass · 15/01/2013 21:07

So tell her how you feel.

It's ok to tell people when you are unhappy with them.

Tell her.

Silently resenting her will do you no good. At least if it's out in the open, you stand a chance of working through it.

Original poster
SpringTimeRain · 15/01/2013 21:07

verytellytubby

I wouldn't expect petrol money if I was driving past her house. Seems very mean.

Me and a different friend used to do a spinning class together, one week she would drive there and the next I would. It was fair.

This will become a regular thing again with friend, and it will always be me who is driving there.

OP posts:
zumbaholic · 15/01/2013 21:11

I totally understand how you feel. I had a "friend" like that too a while ago, she would expect lifts all the time and use the same pressuring technique as your friend. It does make you feel resentful especially when they start taking the mick or the only contact you have from that person is requests for you to do them favours.

If its on your way and there are no parking costs Id take her but make sure she knows its on your terms eg "i can take you this week but may not be able to other weeks" and dont take her every week, even if you can, make sure you are "busy" before the class some weeks doing other things so you cant take her, this way she'll either have to miss it or make the effort and take the bus-meaning she'll (hopefully) appreciate the weeks when you can take her.
If there are parking costs, id do the same as above but say as im saving you busfare how about we go halves on parking?

Booyhoo · 15/01/2013 21:13

when my ds started scouts i realised that another mother was making out to walk home after leaving her dc off. i recognised her from around town but had no clue where she lived. anyway, i offered her a lift. turned out she livved a few streets away from me. it was out of my way to collect her and take her back each week and she had been walking up til that point but i still offered to do it each week. she never offered money but i would never have accepted anyway. we're quite good friends now. she's a lovely woman and she has never had a problem if for any reason i'm not taking ds to scouts and cant lift her.

you sound mean op. it's costing you nothing to collect her. either she's your friend or she's not. if she's your friend you wouldn't even think twice about it.

Bubblegum78 · 15/01/2013 21:13

I know what you are saying OP, she makes a habit of scrounging off others without so much as a thanks, so yes, I can totally see where you are coming from.

I used to have a friend like this, someone who is only your friend when they want something, one sided friendships are no joke.

If you are going past her house anyway just say sure, so and so is coming too so we can split the petrol 3 ways.

If she say's no thanks, it's her loss.

Original poster
SpringTimeRain · 15/01/2013 21:17

But it's a different situation Booyhoo

This woman never asked you outright, you offered yourself and therefore made it a regular thing yourself.

You also haven't been driving this woman to different places for years beforehand without so much as a thank you or an offer of helping to pay costs.

OP posts:
FabulousFreaks · 15/01/2013 21:19

Just tell her how you feel and that will resolve the situation for now and the future

Booyhoo · 15/01/2013 21:22

ok well you have choices. you aren't obliged to do it.
do it and seethe with resentment
do it and let go of the resentment, just enjoy the company in the car
do it but tell her you resent doing it for nothing as you feel she's always on the take
do it but ask her to contribute
dont do it.

morethanpotatoprints · 15/01/2013 21:23

YABU or you don't know the meaning of the word friend.

I have lifts off people, sometimes I offer to share costs and sometimes I don't. Sometimes the person takes the offer sometimes they decline.
If you expect her to help with costs tell her. Oh and just because there's a bus stop doesn't always mean busses are regular, on time etc.
I agree with the above, one friend used to take 3 of us to college. We put the expected petrol money in the well between front and back. If somebody didn't have it that week they put in double the next week. The driver never missed out as going anyway.

Hassled · 15/01/2013 21:24

You are being unreasonable, but I can understand why - this is clearly your tipping point after years of resentment building up.

Just talk to her - say yes, a lift is fine, but we will need to split petrol costs this time because I have given you an awful lot of lifts over the years.

Unfortunatlyanxious · 15/01/2013 21:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.