To ask your opinion? Re Children and seating.

[MeganScarlett]

My mum lives by herself in a smallish flat, and for her birthday always has the family over for tea and cake. My mum has four children and each of them has between 2-3 children and now some of them have their own children. So although we're not a large family it can get quite crowded when everyone is there.

The tea and cakes is always served in the dining room which is where all the adults sit and the younger children usually play in the living room. The youngest are between 4-9.

My niece and nephew were sat at the dining room table, they are both aged 17 and 15 and were the first to arrive with my sister. When others started arriving it was made clear by some that they should give up their seats for the adults and be made to sit in the living room with the younger children. I'm in my early 20s and made to feel sometimes that I am not adult enough to be sat with the older adults.

Should they have given up their seats for the older adults?

I'm really of the opinion that they shouldn't have, but others in the family would clearly disagree.

Why is that all they need?
You wouldn't say because i say so to an adult if they questioned you, you would address their concerns.

Why would you not for a child?

What has paying the bills got to do with anything

I normally reply to 'Why?' with an explanation, but sometimes there is not the time or the energy, so I might say 'because I said so'.

As long as it is not the standard response, I don't think it is too bad.

Sometimes Bamboo, there just are no explanations. Things just are the way they are.

Also, sometimes there are no explanations that would satisfy a child or teen. Adults have the benefit of experience and foresight, which children do not. You could explain it til the cows come home but children wont understand.

On these occassions, it is "because I say so."

wannabedomesticgoddess

Its got everything to do with the fact that children do not need to be around adults all the time. And it is more appropriate for a child to sit on the floor than an adult.

I've never brought up anyone having to sit on the floor. As there was enough seating for everyone.

I personally wouldn't class a 15 or 17 as a child and in the situation where it was either sit and play with toy cars with the boys or do each other hairs with the girls then I think both would rather talk to adults.

Bamboo
if your boss tells you to do something, and you don't think it is necessary, would it be unreasonable of her to say, 'Do it because I said so'?

We don't always get what we want in life, and sometimes life is unfair, sometimes other people have more power than we do. I am fine with that.

Megan
were the 15 and 17yo joining in the conversation?

And I already explained, that while teens might not want to be with the children, it is still good manners to offer the seat to adults.

When asked a question, I can always think of an answer other than 'because I say so' and I will give it.

If I am asked repeatedly, and it does happen, I will say I've already told you.

I actually find providing an explanation seems to better accepted than 'because I said so'

I just can't imagine, in most situations, when that would ever be an appropriate answer.

tbh i think there usually is an explanation for the things children ask. it just depends whether you can be bothered explaining it to them. even if you cant do it right now you can say "i'll explain it to you later when we have time" rather than "because i said so"

:o

Honestly, your houses must be idyllic and your children geniuses.

That's no the same as not providing an explanation though mme
Clearly, if I am paid to do a job and have to respond to a line manager, I would be obliged to do as they say so but fortunately, no boss of mine, given my field, would say that anyway.

But, DamnBamboo, a child doesn't have an adult's understanding of things. that's why I wouldn't necessarily justify or explain myself to a child. I really do think that it doesn't do a child any good to know all of the things that go through an adult's head when they make every decision that pertains to a child. there's enough time when a child is older to have to deal with all that.

I have been there where the OP's family was. I come from a very big family and we have gatherings once or twice a year. There was always that transition period from the "children's" table/area to the "adult" table/area. It was a rite of passage, if you will. I still think that the 15 and 17 yo in the OP should have given up their seats to the aunts/uncles. I can't understand that they would have felt comfortable sitting when those much older adults were standing. They should have offered which I gather from the OP, that they didn't.

wannabedomesticgoddess even when there are other seats available? The adult would just rather have that seat?

And MmeLindor yes both join in the conversation, especially the 17 year old.

Not sure what gives you that impression wanna or why you feel it appropriate to make that comment.

"it is still good manners to offer the seat to adults. "

but you haven't explained why.

I can't understand that they would have felt comfortable sitting when those much older adults were standing.

Again there was seating available for everyone.

You are claiming that there is an answer to everything that your children would understand and accept. I simply cannot see how that would be the case.

Of course they don't ILJJ. But I don't consider providing an explanation to be justifying myself, rather to be answering a question where it has come up.

Bearing in mind, most children don't question most things, only the stuff that they feel really impacts on them (why can't I have sweets before dinner )

DamnBamboo, but why, may I ask, would you always explain yourself to your children? Why burden them with your thought processes? When they are adult or nearly adult, they will probably understand them. Or actually, my 18yo still doesn't understand all my thought processes. In some areas he is not nearly as adult as I think he is!

no home is idylic.

I think if they were contributing to the conversation, then it is time to include them as 'adults' and allow them access to the dining room. OK, so there might need to have been a bit of a rejig as to who exactly say where, but they should be allowed to join the adults if that is what they feel they want to do (assuming you weren't going to start gossiping about inappropriate topics).

Giving them the message that their company is unwanted, their conversation is not valued and that they should go sit with the little children is just plain rude.

there is usually and age appropriate explanation for the things children ask. yes.

No, I didn't say that at all. I said if questioned, I would offer an explanation, rather than just saying 'because I said so'

I also said, if they repeatedly asked I would say 'I've told you why'

Perhaps, DamnBamboo, our DC are completely different ages? Ours are 14/16/18 and even now I don't necessarily explain every single decision. They would like to/do question every single one I make. If only the questions they asked were as simple as "why can't I have sweets before dinner?"

ILJJ my life isn't that complicated. I also don't burden them with my thought processes. I answer the questions they have, with a proper answer. Those questions tend to be age specific and really don't warrant a burdensome answer.

'Why can't we go to the skate park?'
'Why can't xxxx come over?'
'Why can't I have a diet coke?'

This is what i'm talking about.