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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For just wanting my DC to go to school

312 replies

cathkidstonbag · 11/01/2013 06:38

So the week before the Christmas hols I had youngest DC off school with D and V for week and middle DC got it for last 2 days of term. They were both ill on and off over Christmas. As was DH who spent most of the time "having naps". I came down with the same cold he had but obviously mine was nowhere near as bad ;)
So new term starts and I've had middle DC off with a throat infection, she finally starts to rally yesterday and I'm awake early this morning giddy at the thought of getting out of the house alone for the first day in a month.....with that youngest DC walked in and was sick.

AIBU to just want them back to school so I can actually get on with my life. I adore them, I truly do but FFS a month at home......!! DH thinks IBU and it's just one of those things. He's even suggested I rehome our dog as I haven't been able to walk her all week.

OP posts:
Smellslikecatspee · 11/01/2013 12:43

Oh sweetheart, I just want to give a big hug.

None of this normal. . .

Or right.

He's an arse

BeckAndCall · 11/01/2013 12:46

ifnotnowthenwhen, number five on your list, leaving the family home with the kids is not the best advice - OP should see a lawyer before getting anywhere near leaving the home (unless she feels in danger, which she hasn't said she does).

izzyishappilybusy · 11/01/2013 12:46

Tbf if he is leaving at 6.30am and not home til 8 at night that dosent leave a lot of time to help out

izzyishappilybusy · 11/01/2013 12:47

I think I have missed a lot it said 2 pages and now 9 - so ignore me

JustFabulous · 11/01/2013 12:48

Your 10:21 and 10:23 posts make me feel so sad for you, and your children.

Just because he will be a worse twat after divorce is so not a reason to stay.

As for the pillows down the bed, I would be pointing him in the direction of the spare room and settling the dog into "his" space.

TanteRose · 11/01/2013 12:53

hamdangle I think Cath means "the things their father does" when she writes they

diddl · 11/01/2013 12:55

How could he be worse after divorce??

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 11/01/2013 12:56

I'm not sure quite what I'd rent a flat with and thought I should stay put??

No spare room unfortunately!

Yes I do mean the things H does. Although to be honest I have a very low opinion of the male species as a whole.

OP posts:
Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 11/01/2013 12:58

Well I'm guessing (from what he's told me) that he would fight me over everything. Because let's face it he doesn't care if the children get hurt in that. And he's their father so I can't just walk away from him. Everything would be a battle, only worse because I had the audacity to leave him.

OP posts:
ouryve · 11/01/2013 13:01

I'm with re-homing DH.

I am a SAHM/Carer without a business. When DH gets home from work, he mucks in immediately. I am not his mother and he doesn't expect me to be.

And I had one or both of the boys or DH at home ill pretty continually through December, plus a few days under the weather, myself. I'm only just getting it straightened up, now, after they've all been back a week and I still have our bedroom to tackle. It does throw you off routine.

PessaryPam · 11/01/2013 13:03

How many children do you have Cath?

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 11/01/2013 13:04

Am I including DH in that total? If not then the answer is 3.

OP posts:
GregBishopsBottomBitch · 11/01/2013 13:08

Cath He aint your childrens father, hes just the person who help make them, he makes no effort to be involved, a real father takes invested interest in his children.

JustFabulous · 11/01/2013 13:09

Life is much too long to live it in such a damaging way.

JustFabulous · 11/01/2013 13:11

You say he will do this and that, won't do this and that. Why not actually try? Tell him he is being out of order and needs to get his head out of his arse as having a dick and a job does not make him better than you. Things can't be much worse than they are now and if he gets agressive or violent then call the police.

I have a feeling you will just carry on putting up with living not even half a life though Sad.

5madthings · 11/01/2013 13:15

Oh dear god he is awful.

Op you really need to listen to the advice on here. I am sure it seems scary and yes I bet he will be a twat if you get a divorce, but you wont be living with him.

My dp works long crappy hours and my kids were all I'll in the run up to the holidays and dp juggled things so he could help with school runs. Whern I got I'll send had an I'll child at home and the toddler he came home! He pulls his weight and cooks and does stuff with the kids and around the house because they are OUR children, the house is OURS, money is OURS and I am a sahm.

Honestly I think you need a hug, where are you, please get in touch with some loicsl mnetters. I am in Norwich, pm me if you are local and I will walk the dog!

Springisoutthere · 11/01/2013 13:18

Please, please don't let your DC'S be subjected to his emotional abuse, he sounds like my dad in the past, I am 35 and it took me a long time to trust a man due to the way he treated and controlled my mum in a very similar way your H is to you. Thankfully my mum left but I was 16 and that is a long time, and still now it has a knock on affect to my self esteem, that behaviour shapes my life. My lovely DH is the complete opposite to yours and my dad, and my DC'S lives are so much happier for it.

Picture your life in a years time, then 5, then 10, then think you could live until 90, or older with this man, do you want your life to be one of drudge and self loathing and basically being controlled for that long?

I hope you find the strength to sort it out for yourself and your daughters.

Have a look at Womans Aid, I think it has a bit about emotional and financial abuse on there, you can just google Womans Aid.

Take Care.

Snazzynewyear · 11/01/2013 13:19

'He would fight me over everything' Hmm well, he can try but if he earns enough for you to have child benefit stopped, and you currently earn nothing and he gives you virtually nothing, I don't see how you can end up worse off. No court is going to say 'give her half the amount child benefit would be and nothing more, that's just fine', and once you see a lawyer they will tell you this. Lots of men use this 'I will fight you tooth and nail' line to scare their partners into thinking it would all be so much worse if they went for a divorce. They say that precisely because they know how much they really have to lose, and that a court would see their duty to their family as involving a lot more than they are currently willing to give.

Floralnomad · 11/01/2013 13:20

#cath# I've not read all the replies ,just your posts and a selection . When I read the start of your thread I was going to say how unreasonable you were as some of us have kids that never go to school ,due to illness etc. However OMG your husband sounds dire and you really ,really need to take on board some of the advice here and do something about your life. It may be difficult in the beginning but you must think long term ,even beyond your children leaving home , do you still want to be with this man then ? Do something and do it now to change your future .

PessaryPam · 11/01/2013 13:20

Hugs Cath. I think you need to think long and hard about what is best for them, and you should factor time-scales into that as their childhoods are passing in a dysfunction family and it must be affecting them. Easy for me to say i know.

LoopsInHoops · 11/01/2013 13:20

He may well fight you over everything, but he won't get it.

Do you even know how much he earns? If he has any savings? Where everything is kept? Can you do some VERY discreet digging on that and get copies of everything?

IfNotNowThenWhen · 11/01/2013 13:22

Beck-thats why "see a lawyer" is number 1!

You could get housing help to rent somewhere until your business started making money Cath.(see number 3 on my list).

I really wouldn't bother trying to get him out. He won't go.
You can. You CAN just walk away. He doesn't deserve the title of Father. Your children don't deserve to grow up like this.

LoopsInHoops · 11/01/2013 13:25

Just thinking here, no idea if this is the case, but as she is clearly being abused by him (financially, if not emotionally), could she try to get some kind of harassment order on him, therefore effectively forcing him to move out?

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 11/01/2013 13:29

sigh this is going to sound pitiful but I will say it as it shows why I'm trying to sort this and struggling.

About 18 months ago I asked DH to leave. He gave me 2 options. He would go but battle with me forever more over the DC and do everything possible to make us miserable. That he would probably leave his job so I couldn't get any money out of him. Or option 2, that I tried a bit harder because otherwise I was a quitter and it would be my fault.
I chose option 2.
I guess I'm a coward.
I want my DC to be warm and fed and clothed. I don't want them being laughed at by other kids about their handmedowns or to not have enough to eat or to have to put themselves to bed because mum works every hour (ie my childhood).
That's what stops me just going.

OP posts:
PessaryPam · 11/01/2013 13:30

OK it'll have to be the poison option then.

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