For just wanting my DC to go to school

[cathkidstonbag]

So the week before the Christmas hols I had youngest DC off school with D and V for week and middle DC got it for last 2 days of term. They were both ill on and off over Christmas. As was DH who spent most of the time "having naps". I came down with the same cold he had but obviously mine was nowhere near as bad ;)
So new term starts and I've had middle DC off with a throat infection, she finally starts to rally yesterday and I'm awake early this morning giddy at the thought of getting out of the house alone for the first day in a month.....with that youngest DC walked in and was sick.

AIBU to just want them back to school so I can actually get on with my life. I adore them, I truly do but FFS a month at home......!! DH thinks IBU and it's just one of those things. He's even suggested I rehome our dog as I haven't been able to walk her all week.

oh my god, this is heartbreaking stuff.

Can I just ask you, in a few years time, if your DD is living in a loveless marriage with a man who has no respect for her, treats her like a servant and is abusive on many levels, what would you want her to do? Stay and put up with it?

Your kids are going to think that this is acceptable. Even if you decide not to leave, you need to start changing things - and not just the way you cook (Really greatUncleEddie??? FFS ) - and take control of your own life

Hanikam - parents eve, sports day, etc. me. Unless I really make an issue of it eg. Insist he goes to nativity play. It will be done under sufferance. Really that isn't an issue, he works long hours and can't easily get time off. I do get that.
No he doesn't take to activities, or chat with other parents. Doesn't help with reading homework etc. generally. Will do if I ask repeatedly but doesn't really want to.
He will do chores, if only to demonstrate how to properly do them. I don't clean properly apparently! But it will again be a huge deal. He will make the DDs help (not a problem in itself) by telling them mummy was obviously too busy to Hoover this week, probably having coffee with her friends hahaha. It's all a big jokey thing to him.

What a lovely example to set for your kids.

Is this thread for real? I am finding it hard to believe tbh.
If it is, then Cath, you can't continue like this, if not for yourself then for your kids.
When you leave this utter twat you will be legally entitled to proper maintenance.
You will also be entitled to half the sale of the house, plus tax credits.
You will be fine. You will be able to get your business going in peace, and have a lovely life.
You don't need this excuse for a man. You are already doing it all alone. Doing it alone with a bit more money and maybe even a nice boyfriend who treat you well will be a piece of cake.

Also, you are clearly a lovely and social person, even with your H's controlling and emotionally abusive behaviour you managed to make some good friends. Use them. I guarantee they are dying to help you get the hell out of there.

Op, you are ignoring all the comments telling you that his behaviour is/will affect your children. Instead you reply by giving more examples of his awful behaviour. You seem to think that the things that he does to control you are proof of how much he loves you. they're not. He does these things because he is abusive and you are letting him. I don't say this lightly, but you really need to make changes or leave, at least for your children's sake.

Ok, OP, now I am seriously worried. Your DDs will grow up expecting their men to treat them this way. I'm sure as soon they are big enough, he'll have them trotting after him with Daddy's pipe and slippers, and then he'll be comparing their performance as little domestics with yours. What a game he is playing!

Don't suppose he's ever had therapy?

Regardless of his atavistic behaviour towards you, why doesn't he take an interest in his daughters? Personal question, but are you his second wife and does he feel that he's done it all before and the whole parenthood thing is rather a bore this time around?
(I have a friend in RL who is in this situation regarding her DCs).

Nobody has the power to change your life for the better but you. If you muster the courage to leave in ten years, you WILL say to yourself "Why didn't I leave ten years ago, WHY!"
Your H (Not DH) is a SHIT. A shit husband, a shit father and an appalling excuse for a man. Emotionally and financially abusive. Please, please start a plan to leave him before your DD sees this awful relationship as normal.

I second IfNotNowThenWhen.

His second wife? No I'm not. I guess bottom line is he doesn't take an interest in them because he didn't want them. So this isn't what he wanted from his life. (And no I didn't trick him into it!).

And I'm not ignoring the comments about how he will affect the DC. I am totally aware of that. And I don't think the things he does are proof of his love, it's ownership not love they show.

So Cath hes not even a dad, more a sperm donor, my ex is a dick but atleast he takes interest in our DD, your DH to your children, is basically a man who lives with you and bosses mummy about, how heartbreaking for them.

You sound so strong and capable, i think you need to work out the pros and cons of staying with him, and be honest, so far the cons are:

Cold with children
Doesnt parent children
Nags constantly
Is not loving
Leaves you without money
Wont help you when you are ill
Treats you like a slave
Wants you financially dependant
Doesnt support your dreams
Feeds your children lies

Im sure theres alot more. any pros?

He didn't want them? So he'll let them know that forever?

x-posted, He will show his resentment to them for the rest of their lives, and that will screw them up big time. as many on here who have toxic parents will know that.

I meant I agree with IfNotNowThenWhen. I don't think you realise how strong a position you are in.

OP, you sound like a lovely person. Wish I knew you in RL!
You know this cannot go on, something has to give, and if you carry on your mental and physical health will suffer. Who will look after your DDs then?

No-ones marriage is perfect, though from your DHs pov he's got it made. No wonder he doesn't want change.

He didn´t want them?

Do they know that?

Does he want them now?

Are the expected to be eternally grateful for any tiny crumb he throws them?

And so what if you were too busy having a life to hoover?

OP there's some very good advice on here and hopefully it will help you see your situation more clearly and the steps you can take to make yours and DCs lives happier. Only you can make a change, DH has things far too good.

May I ask what is the business you are trying to set up?

Yes MrsSiba I'd like to know as well.
What did you study for 18 months? And what would you like to do?

Can I pm you both? That information coupled with everything else on here could out me in RL!

Yes sure, don't know how to do that though. More of a lurker on here till recently.

what do you mean by 'it's ownership not love they show'? Please don't think that all men are like this or would even want to live like this if they could get away with it. If by 'they' you mean 'abusive men' then you obviously know this is an abusive elationship.

You have told us all the things he gets from the relationship but what do you get from it? why are you continuing to live and bring children up in this environment?

Yes of course, sorry not trying to pry but interested as you said you had studied for 18 months

OP I wish I knew you in RL too, I wish I could do something to help you... I don't have any legal knowledge or anyt to hand out, but we're all here for you and you CAN get out if you really want to, I'm sure your RL friends will support you as I suspect would the courts after everything you've told us here!

He sounds horrible. Compare this situation to yours and maybe you'll see why he is not worth it?

I had a dad who worked very long hours (out of the house by 8am, in at 7pm, quick dinner then up to his study to work again until nearly midnight), and a sahm. I hardly saw my dad and didn't really know him. At weekends he was working again, usually in front of the TV. If I wanted a cuddle though he would work with me snuggled up to him on the sofa, or take an hour out to play with me in the garden/walk the dog with me or something. He always said goodnight, read me a bedtime story when I was little, and spent time with me when we went away on holiday. So I knew he loved me, even if he was ridiculously overworked.

My mum had a tight budget for household stuff because my dad was a little obsessed with saving, we had a vegetable garden etc (which he used as his hobby). I learnt early on that you could get money out of him, just had to show him why you needed it. He wasn't unreasonable, encouraged my mum to go to social activities, buy herself things etc. He loved to see her with jewelry/nice clothes, and wanted her to be happy. She did all the chores incl shopping, cooking, cleaning, brought him tea and a biscuit in the evening etc - but that was the way they were brought up, and if he wanted a cup of tea and she wasn't in the kitchen at the time, he'd get it himself and was perfectly able to help himself to snacks etc. He would never have dared to criticize her cleaning/cooking as she was feisty and he'd get it lol. She was a fantastic cook though and we were totally spoilt on that front! She always said to me to not give up work totally ever, that it was good to have your own money, and she tutored for some for herself.
Now she has dementia and he still goes to work, but they have a cleaner, and he does everything else - cooking, washing, shopping etc. It is incredibly hard on him with those hours, but that is what love is. I'm shortly going to stay to show him how to cook more than boiled chicken every night - he's been eating boiled chicken, rice and frozen veg for the last six months nearly!!!

In my situation, my dad worked ridiculous hours to earn the money, and my mum did everything else. BUT unlike your situation, he loved her (still does, despite the fact that she's not been 'herself' for a long time now) and me. Your situation is not normal!

I think what you should do, once the dc are well again, is this:

1. Speak to a good divorce lawyer. Get advice about your position. Print out this thread and take it with you, or write down all the things you have told us, to show why you need a divorce.

1. Contact Womens' Aid for advice on leaving.

1. Re-instate the CB forthwith and contact the dwp about other benefits. Also CSA about child support.

1. Gather your friends together. Inform them you are planning to leave and ask for help. Just ask. I don't even know you, but I would help you any way I could.

1. Make a plan, with the help and advice you now have behind you. Pick a date. Rent a flat somewhere near school. Book a van. Leave a note for H with instructions on how to work the microwave.

Your dog is a very good judge of character. Listen to her.
What would happen if you arranged it all and then told H you were leaving with the kids? What do you think he would do?