For just wanting my DC to go to school

[cathkidstonbag]

So the week before the Christmas hols I had youngest DC off school with D and V for week and middle DC got it for last 2 days of term. They were both ill on and off over Christmas. As was DH who spent most of the time "having naps". I came down with the same cold he had but obviously mine was nowhere near as bad ;)
So new term starts and I've had middle DC off with a throat infection, she finally starts to rally yesterday and I'm awake early this morning giddy at the thought of getting out of the house alone for the first day in a month.....with that youngest DC walked in and was sick.

AIBU to just want them back to school so I can actually get on with my life. I adore them, I truly do but FFS a month at home......!! DH thinks IBU and it's just one of those things. He's even suggested I rehome our dog as I haven't been able to walk her all week.

Cath How can even manage to have sex with him, he treats you like garbage. I'd keep him at arms length.

Maybe get him a fleshlight or blow up doll.

loopsinhoops just read the profile of a sociopath.there's a Stephen King novel about a woman who discovers her DH and father of her DCs is actually a serial killer specialising in young women. I know it's only fiction though OP, I wonder if your DH is compartmentalising and is a totally different person at work.

Hints of a double life when this one is so strictly controlled. Do you ever see his bank statements? Does he ever hide stuff from you eg his phone, e-mails, paperwork.....

Loops - yes I did. He matched a few but not many.

Greg - because it's a pay off. I know he will be nicer and I want him to be nice to the DC. It's not a big deal, I've learnt to detach.

Cath, if you have learnt to detach from sex, that is a Big Fucking Deal.

Cath You shouldnt have to learn to detach from sex with your own husband, you should be getting as much pleasure out of it as him. And why pay him off, what does he actually do to deserve it, and you shouldnt have to have sex with him to get him to be nice to his children, he should be because hes their father, your marriage is getting more ridiculous as this thread goes on.

This is gonna sound uber harsh and im sorry if it offends, but your acting in the way a prostitute would, detached from sex, giving him sex to get things from him, gotta please him and hope hes nice, its just ridiculous. I dont wanna offend you but thats what its getting like now.

Please don't listen to your husband's "opinion" of what yoir children would think of you if you left him.

Not only does he evidently not know his own children very well at all, but he's using this as yet another tool to manipulate you and scare you into compliance.

I was a child in a family just like yours. It was very damaging.

Given the choice between wearing hand-me-downs and being subjected to a cold father & witnessing the abuse (which did extend to the children post-puberty), I'd have happily chosen the former. No contest.

Even with a potentially "messy" divorce, you'd still be setting an end point to this whole abuse.

I hope that your children are better soon, and that you get some time to yourself next week to have a good think through this all, and hopefully set some wheels in motion.

Cath you do what you have to in order to get by, from the sex to the complicity with his behaviour. Respect to you for maintaining your sanity through all this.

BUT somewhere down the line this will bite you back. It's like sweeping the dirt under the carpet. Soon it's not a carpet, it's a bloody mountain. And the longer it goes on, the worse the consequences for you will be.
I really hope you get your business up and running. My feeling is your DH will hate it and use every opportunity to belittle you when any little mishap occurs.

Gosh your life is the polar opposite to mine (sort of). My DH takes time off every time the DDs are ill because he does flexible working hours. I am a teacher so I can't drop either of my DC's off at school or nursery so he does that. He also picks them up from kids club/nursery if my parents aren't doing it.
I bath the kids, he puts them to bed, I make tea, he washes up. I put the washing on, he puts it away.
If I have tons of work (often three hours an evening) he does bath, bed and tea, and washing up. We earn the same.

I am not saying my life is perfect, and I appreciate that lots of men are not like this but I wouldn't have married someone who wouldn't have mucked in.

I am so astonished with what you put up with, really truly, I am so surprised at how your husband treats you. What a nasty spoilt bastard.
I wish I could actually shake you. He is a foul mysogynist and your children will have no relationship with him. Poor them.

What are you putting up with his behaviour? Sort your business out and then tell him to fuck the FUCK off and get some self respect.

Ps I don't want to sound rude, I feel very sad for you.

cath how is your relationship with his family?

Learning to detach from sex is de-humanising. No-one should ever have to do this. You do have alternatives Cath. You do have a choice.
Please believe what everyone on here is telling you.
I don't know whether this man is hitting you or being violent in other ways, you haven't said, but I wouldn't be surprised.
There is help out there. Ask for it. There is help on here. Ask for it-you will be amazed at how much people want to help you.

YANBU! Our school just called a snow day, we are in Utah for cristsakes! Ds was also sick before his 3 weeks off, and I had the pleasure of getting it for Christmas Day. They were back to school Monday, and now snow day. This was my one day off from work and I adore ds but Yes go back to school already!!

LibraryMum you might want to read the rest of the thread. :)

No he has never been violent to me. I don't think he would but I know he's noticed that his words don't wound me anymore. He used to be able to rip me to pieces with a few comments. Now I just wait till he stops and say "are you finished now? Anything else to say?". Inside I'm crying but I don't show it.

Nice response cath

There are not enough icons on here

Oh man this is getting worse and worse. Is it helping you to get it down? Do you feel more like you need to leave? Wondering if anyone is near you and can give you some rl support?

I meant writing it all down when I said get it down.

It's helping me but probably depressing everyone else. Sorry about that.

I think I've had it rattling around in my head for a month (and it was possibly the worst Xmas we have ever had) and can't speak to any RL friends as either he is home or ill DC are, so nobody can come round and see me.

Cath .... have got to run in a mo' but just wanted to say I agree with the general concensus here. Feel so sad and so very angry for you being treated like this. Appalling and inhumane.

Kids get ill - fact. But they don't do it deliberately or in the hope of causing you extra work, stifling you or making your life more difficult than it needs to be. Your H on the other hand does all of that deliberately which I'm afraid makes him a spiteful, twisted cunt (apologies if that word offends you). And much more too of course because he's messing up your kids as well.

The whole money deprivation thing over the CB is exactly what I've been worried about ever since the govt revealed their plans for higher earners. A high earner is no guarantee that the woman in the relationship will be "allowed" the money she and the children need which is yet another reason why I feel very strongly about the changes, apart from the various factors which are unfair. FACT is this policy is placing more stress upon women in absuive relationships. Of course if you were no longer with him then you could receive it again (without rows and criticism).

So so sorry - please call WA again if only to talk to people who can't discuss all the options open to you.

Haven't read the whole thread but wow what a twat! How can you let you're daughters see this abuse?

You have no money because it's his! When you do you're supermarket or buying the DC clothes shop get cash back open an account that sends no statements and stash it away and make it very clear you want no statements been send not even once a year! Also hide the bank card in the a DVD case.

OMG, what a fucking horrible reason to have sex.

When I WOHM I looked forward to getting home so I could hug my DCs, bath them, read them stories and put them to bed, because I'd missed them. Isn't that what normal parents do? You know, the ones who actually love their own children?

Cath Its just sad to hear of a strong, dignified, intelligent woman being treated like shit, he certainly doesnt think of you as any of that, but we can all gather that your a damn fine mum and person, whos confidence is being slowly chipped away at, he doesnt deserve someone of your loyalty, if he appreciated the things you do for him, it'd be a different matter, but he doesnt, he just snides at all the good things you have going about you, you are lovely, he is a giant wart covered dick.

Cath I just wanted to come on and say that I am so sorry you are living this. You are working so hard, doing so much, having sex to make him 'nicer'. And you don't even have any money to call your own.

If the business takes off, will you leave him? If so, do whatever you can to get that off the ground. Don't let him sabotage. He will try because he knows if you were financially independent you would LTB. Don't let him. Get all your ducks in a row, get advice from legal sources, benefits and Woman's Aid. Good luck and I hope the wind is in your sails.

omg I have just continued reading from the morning.

Cath. This 'man' is a bully. He threatens you with what he would do, knowing that over the years he has worn you down with his words, to know you will cave. It really, really doesnt have to be like this. He can threaten and intimidate as much as he wants, but once he's gone he will not be able to do any of those things because you will be legally protected.

You say that you wont have enough money to live on with him gone. You will have more than you are getting at the moment - child benefit (he stopped this for more control btw), ctc, jsa and once you start on the business wtc.

Please tell him to go. Pack his bags and tell him actually option 3. I am taking control back of my own life. Then contact job centre, tax credits and child benefit and get a claim going. followed by seeing a solicitor. As an out of work single mum you should get this free. Do not communicate with him, do it through the solicitor, so he cannot intimidate you.. If he comes to the house, tell him to leave. if he wont call the police, well within your right.. if needs be, get a restraining order.

You really dont have to live with this person. You and your children deserve much more than to be disrespected and treated like shit. Yes it will be hard at times, but even those hard times will be a lot better than your current good days.

I am very sorry to say this, but being in a dv relationship isnt just about violence, its also pyschological. You say that your children are not affected by any of this, but they will be. They are very perseptive of these things, far more than we give them credit for. The older ones will talk to their mates and school and they will realise things are different. If they go to matrs houses, they will realise things are different.

He doesnt want you talking to divorced friends because he knows on some level that he is wrong. This is another form of control, because he fears that they will tell you your rights which are plentiful.

And as for those telling Cath to change herr cooking habits.. Aree you for real. Have you even bothered to read this thread, or like her hubby are you also stuck in the stone ages?