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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For just wanting my DC to go to school

312 replies

cathkidstonbag · 11/01/2013 06:38

So the week before the Christmas hols I had youngest DC off school with D and V for week and middle DC got it for last 2 days of term. They were both ill on and off over Christmas. As was DH who spent most of the time "having naps". I came down with the same cold he had but obviously mine was nowhere near as bad ;)
So new term starts and I've had middle DC off with a throat infection, she finally starts to rally yesterday and I'm awake early this morning giddy at the thought of getting out of the house alone for the first day in a month.....with that youngest DC walked in and was sick.

AIBU to just want them back to school so I can actually get on with my life. I adore them, I truly do but FFS a month at home......!! DH thinks IBU and it's just one of those things. He's even suggested I rehome our dog as I haven't been able to walk her all week.

OP posts:
5madthings · 11/01/2013 17:44

Op just caught up. I know you feel you can't leave or it will be worse but honestly you cannot continue to bring your children up in this environment.

Do you want your daughters growing up thinking this is normal? I don't know if you have a son? But would you want a boy growing up and having this man as his role model?

You said yourself your family was dysfunctional, you are repeating the pattern, do you want your children to end up repeating this pattern?

You can stop this op. Please contact women's aid, see a solicitor and listen to talk the advice and support on here. You are worth more than this xxx

CheerfulYank · 11/01/2013 17:48

Get out, honey.

I'm a SAHM too, and I also feel it's my job to do most of the cooking and cleaning, but if I don't manage dinner (which I don't, some days) DH makes himself eggs or soup or whatever without a word about it.

He takes DS to tae kwon do twice a week and handles bedtime. We trade off weekends to make sure we both get a good lie in and nights out with friends every now and then. All of our money is in a joint account.

During the week I do all cleaning, laundry, etc, but on the weekends he does half or more if I am out.

Cath you really don't have to live like this. Do you have any good RL friends to speak to? Could they help?

LindyHemming · 11/01/2013 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 11/01/2013 18:24

Lets hear it for Option 3!
You can do it Cath, you really really can.
I dont think you will be able to start your business while you are living with this man.
You need a clean slate.

GreatUncleEddie · 11/01/2013 18:25

He is a bully and when I was working I represented many women in your situation. If you can, get yourself a part time job before you begin divorce proceeding, and check your entitlement to tax credits on the assumption that you live separately (you can do this online). It will be much easier if you have an income in your own right, and you have already waited a fair while so I'm sure you can wait until you are in a better position to bring things to an end.

JustFabulous · 11/01/2013 18:28

You would not be a quitter or a failure to your children if you left. You would be a fucking hero.

My blood went cold when I read about your Option 1 and 2. Bloody hell this man is evil. How you canm bring yourself to even look at him I don't know. He can threaten all that stuff but he can't do it. There are laws to protect children in this country and I am too mad to say any more now.

Get out just get out.

tinierclanger · 11/01/2013 18:50

What a horrid man.

If it helps, I grew up with hand me downs and free school meals a lot of the time. It really wasn't that big a deal and I'd far rather have grown up that way than in a household like you describe. At least I learned from mum that you don't have to depend on a man for finance.

I hope you can get some help to get rid of him and be happy.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/01/2013 18:51

I've been worrying about this. Your H knows you want to leave. He knows you don't want to have sex with him. He threatens you to make you stay. He still has sex with you. What does that make him? What kind of man is he?

Please find a way out.

verytellytubby · 11/01/2013 19:14

What a bastard.

Sad for you Sad

Assassino · 11/01/2013 19:19

Reading this thread has been so awful that I actually registered just to comment (my DH showed it to me, he was equally horrified).

I'm a health professional, who deals with families in the community, and if I met you for even ten minutes and caught wind of ANY of this, I would make a referral to social services in an absolute heartbeat for the following reasons (The fact that I cannot because I have none of your details is almost causing me physical pain.):

  • serious financial abuse
  • controlling behaviour
  • emotional abuse and manipulation of children
  • sexual abuse - the fact that you now have to disconnect yourself from any sex, that you have no interest in in the first place, shows that your sexual relationship is abusive. The fact that you also feel manipulated into having sex, and unable to have autonomy over your own sex life, is straight, out and out abuse.

I can't repeat this often enough. He is abusing you, in multiple ways, and abusing your children both directly and indirectly through you.

Stop thinking about the immediate future. Let him fight you all the way - he's the one who will lose out in the end. You need to look towards a goal - you NEED to leave him. He is abusive, vile, and deserves to be cold and alone. He certainly does not deserve someone as apparently lovely and capable and dedicated.

You need to kick him out, now. Your children deserve a happy mother and a happy life. YOU deserve to be in charge of your own life. He deserves to be an unfortunate statistic and nothing else.

mathsconundrum · 11/01/2013 19:21

OP. Keep talking. I want this to be one of those threads where 3 months down the line your life is unrecognisable from what it was.
Although right now the thought of making big changes is daunting, look into your future when the children have left. Will you be able to enjoy retirement with the man who has been your rock, or will you despise the old git you're still stuck with.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 11/01/2013 19:38

Thank you for joining, assassino.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 11/01/2013 20:47

Hear hear assasino.
Do keep posting OP. Ask for help-you will find it. There are so many people on this website who can help you-legal advice, benefits advice-anything.
You have access to a whole new life I absolutely promise you.
You are not alone.

Hanikam · 11/01/2013 22:35

assassino maybe cathkidstonbag could pm you for some professional advice? There are too many warning signs to ignore.

BeaWheesht · 12/01/2013 00:19

I'm sorry I've been busy all day so just caught up and I stick by what I said earlier - this needs to stop - you and your kids deserve so, so much better.

Please forget about money to a certain extent - it really isn't the be all and end all and certainly isn't worth this. If he's really beaten you down so much that you don't value yourself then please value your kids.

He is an abusive and possibly potentially dangerous man and you need to leave him ASAP. IIWY I would arm myself with every scrap of info I needed to get the ball rolling and then I'd just get on with it - make yourself be one step ahead of him. You're worth more than this.

TheUnsinkableTitanic · 12/01/2013 07:39

i haven't stopped thinking about you since i read your thread yesterday Cath

Hope you are ok today - it must be very hard to read everyone's comments

Please think of what your life could be like without him

Take care and if you are in NI PM me as i would be more than happy to help practically

aufaniae · 12/01/2013 10:37

cathkidstonbag once the DCs are better, will you be able to see RL friends who you can talk about this kind of thing?

Hanikam · 12/01/2013 10:45

cathkidston where are you? Is your DH monitoring your computer activity too? Worried about you

milf90 · 12/01/2013 19:10

Are you ok op?

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/01/2013 04:34

I'm worried. Cath please come back and update.

MumVsKids · 13/01/2013 06:07

Are you ok op?

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 13/01/2013 08:05

I'm sorry I haven't been back. Not easy to do so at weekends! Did manage to escape the house yesterday for a few hours. The restorative properties of being out and a latte did wonders. A month in the house was really too much!!

I have had a few lightbulb moments and need Monday morning to roll around so I can process them. I can't begin to thank you all enough, I was so low and feeling unable to cope and I'm calmer now. I don't know quite how to sort this all out, I know I need to be a grown up and do it all myself but I wish I had somebody I could depend on. It's so hard to change things but I know I have to.

Yesterday I listened to my DC arguing and bickering. Kids do that I know. But the way they speak to each other with no respect? They've learned that. I've prided myself on being a good mum for years, that by sacrificing me their lives will be better. I really didn't think that through did I? Very sad to realise its my fault.

It won't be easy, DH spoils them materially (not the youngest though). He buys their love. I won't be able to offer them that. I hope I can offer them enough that they will choose me.

Thanks.

OP posts:
Chooster · 13/01/2013 09:08

Oh my goodness it is not your fault in the slightest. You have been doing everything you thought was right in the face of someone who has been so nasty. Its a wonder you are so together. And you never know the decsions in the past may well have been the right ones, but now yoi see negative aspects of that decesion so now realising you need to change things.

Sounds like you are being caring and responsible. Your kids are lucky to have you.

As for material stuff, its nice when they get the things but even at a young age I think they realise its all a bit hollow. Tenderness and kindness and real parental love is what matters... they'll realise that.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 13/01/2013 09:13

As a teenager I think mum being nice to you isn't as important as dad buying you a top of the range mac book (her treat with his bonus last year). I know if I had had 2 parents at that age I would have gone for the gifts!!

And having looked through the finances it appears we have a house full of stuff and no money. Forget enough to buy 2 houses, we can't afford the one we have. I wonder when he was going to tell me that???

OP posts:
TheUnsinkableTitanic · 13/01/2013 09:34

so glad you are ok - kept checking to see if you had updated

roll on monday :) hope all the children are well and able to get back to school.

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