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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For just wanting my DC to go to school

312 replies

cathkidstonbag · 11/01/2013 06:38

So the week before the Christmas hols I had youngest DC off school with D and V for week and middle DC got it for last 2 days of term. They were both ill on and off over Christmas. As was DH who spent most of the time "having naps". I came down with the same cold he had but obviously mine was nowhere near as bad ;)
So new term starts and I've had middle DC off with a throat infection, she finally starts to rally yesterday and I'm awake early this morning giddy at the thought of getting out of the house alone for the first day in a month.....with that youngest DC walked in and was sick.

AIBU to just want them back to school so I can actually get on with my life. I adore them, I truly do but FFS a month at home......!! DH thinks IBU and it's just one of those things. He's even suggested I rehome our dog as I haven't been able to walk her all week.

OP posts:
LoopsInHoops · 11/01/2013 13:34

It's bullshit. Really, it is.

You will have control of your own finances, space and time to develop your business and, best of all, yourself back. Your lovely children will have a happy mum who isn't treated like a slave and will learn appropriate respect and emotion.

Divorce is a win-win.

Yes, he will make it as difficult as possible. But then, how will he survive with no job and no assets?

Please look very carefully into your financial situation. You have given him warning, he may well have hidden funds.

LoopsInHoops · 11/01/2013 13:35

But yes, poison sounds like a suitable alternative.

manicbmc · 11/01/2013 13:39

Even if you didn't get a bean from him, you'd still be better off. You'd be happy. You'd be able to spend your time and money how you see fit.

Does the fact that your 'd'h makes your 6 year old cry if he puts her to bed not make alarm bells ring? He is vile to his wife. He is vile to his children and he doesn't deserve any of you. The dog has the measure of him.

Contact women's aid, even if it's only for advice.

MrsSiba · 11/01/2013 13:47

So you have asked him to leave and therefore must have thought of a lot of the points already raised to come to that decision. you've shown your own inner strength again by this.

Sounds like he bullied you into staying by turning the tables on you to make it seem like you would be a failure if you left. LTB does not seem so out there now. Consider if you could get out if you were able to devise a real and practical plan....it's got to be worth a try. You sound like you want things to change properly not you making a suggestion which is then stamped on and ignored.

Has DH ever referred to you asking him to leave since ie did he take you seriously?

PessaryPam · 11/01/2013 13:52

Seriously Cath, life is too short to spend it with a wanker like this. This not right for you or the children. What is his relationship with his family like?

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 11/01/2013 13:53

He has yes. He made fun of the fact I was too weak to leave and wouldn't be able to survive without him.
I don't actually care if the whole world thinks I'm a quitter and a failure but I don't want to be those things to my DC.

OP posts:
diddl · 11/01/2013 13:55

Well tbh he´s a complete bastard if he would see his own children miserable & even give up work to spite them.

By making you all miserable though-what does he really mean- no money?-because he doesn´t give you anything anyway, does he?

Does he mean he will mess the children about by promising to see them & then not bothering?-well, more fool him!

Have you got anyone nearby who could help with childcare if you do LTB?

Floralnomad · 11/01/2013 13:56

Leave and leave soon ,you can be a strong ,independent woman setting a positive example for your children . Have you any family that can help you ?

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 11/01/2013 13:56

Strange relationship with his family. I don't get it. He doesn't seem to care about them. He recently lost a parent (prob outing myself more here!) but unless I make a demand of him he doesn't seem that affected. I mean if I asked him to do something, he would say I was being cruel and too demanding when he was still mourning his parent. Could be anything from taking the bins out to looking after the DC.
And I am sympathetic about that, really I am. But I had to support my DC through the loss of a grandparent and him. He couldn't understand why they were upset, never cuddled them or talked about it.

OP posts:
Snazzynewyear · 11/01/2013 13:56

I wouldn't think anyone who had studied for 18 months toward their goal, and was trying to start up a business with no help, no time to do it and no financial support was a quitter or a failure. All those things show considerable strength.

On the other hand, I would think someone who kept his wife and children short of money, time, care and affection was an absolute disgrace. And I wouldn't be the only one.

Snazzynewyear · 11/01/2013 13:59

It's too cruel to ask him to put the bin out while in mourning? There aren't enough Hmm s on here to show how I feel about that statement.

Please use any effort you can make today to gather up bank statements and any other paperwork or proof of his income, savings etc. Put it somewhere safe, leave it at a friend's (put in a folder and say it's business plans you want to keep out of the kids' sticky hands if you have to) or even post it to a friend's or your parents' house.

Hanikam · 11/01/2013 13:59

OP, you come across as a sensible, kind and caring person. And you don't care what others think of you and your choices. Your main concern is your DDs. Did you mention earlier on that your Mum is nearby but doesn't help out? Could she have her DGDs for a while, or overnight, for you to "get your head together"?

PessaryPam · 11/01/2013 13:59

You certainly would not be the only one Snazzy. I want to scoop cath up and take her away from it all.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 11/01/2013 14:00

Cath He clearly after your last post wants a skivvy, hes not interested in acting like a married man or a father, he doesnt want your business to work because with money, you wont be dependent, he wants to keep his skivvy in line, do as i ask and not question, he doesnt love you or take you seriously and this will be what your DC's will have when they are older, he takes no pride or interest in his kids, stop finding reasons to stay, because there are none.

Why in your marriage are you the only one trying, its 50/50 effort on both sides, so why is he shirking his effort, hes a bully, thats why, you children will get messed up or act just like him.

BiscuitCrumbsInBed · 11/01/2013 14:01

I've just read this whole thread and I have tears in my eyes at how much you are putting up with. Your H has convinced you that leaving will be worse for your DC and this is nonsense! Why would they think you we're a failure? They're a bit too young to get that concept right now surely, and in the future, when they understand what your life was like before you left (see, I have you leaving him already Smile ) they will realise that it's the opposite, you were being strong to make the decision to go. It will teach them self respect and independence. Two things your H obviously doesn't want you to have.

Please do see a family solicitor to get proper advice on what you would be entitled to financially if you left, rather than believing whatever your H tells you. Even if you don't do anything yet, just knowing the facts and figures will make you feel more in control. Good lunch Flowers

BiscuitCrumbsInBed · 11/01/2013 14:01

Good luck, not lunch, duh!

Snazzynewyear · 11/01/2013 14:02

OK, now I've read your 13.29 post. You've tried option 2 for 18 months. Now it's time to admit it hasn't worked even though you've tried. That is NOT YOUR FAULT. How on earth can it be that the whole success or failure of this marriage is on your shoulders? How is nothing ever his fault? He has some serious problems with how he sees the world.

Let him leave his bleeding job. How could you be worse off? You have no money as it is! Let him battle. People will see him for the tosser he is, including the courts. He has made you believe his lies out of fear. Don't be afraid. He has more reason to be afraid of life without you.

PoppadomPreach · 11/01/2013 14:02

Just another here adding to the 100% consensus that yu husband is an utter twat.

Please document everything he says/does daily from now on.

Please get legal advice - he may try to battle you every step of the way - but surely that is an easier battle than the one you are fitting now.

Don't listen when he tries to convince you you have no chance of winning or that you are a failure. The an is awful beyond words and no child should be brought up on this environment.

You are being financially and emotionally abused. You have grounds for divorce. Even if he "gives up his job" - you will still take a lot of financial benefit out of this marriage.

Be strong, this man is a worm, a pathetic little wriggly worm.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 11/01/2013 14:03

He sounds more of a wanker with everything you post.

Clearly he isn't actually grief stricken, but is just using it as another stick to beat you with and something else to manipulate you with.

cath - I am SAHM. DH set up his own business this time last year after being made redundant. Now he could have done it all in his own name, but I am a 50% shareholder and therefore receive 50% of the income from it. We share bank accounts, all financial information - everything.
When he comes home from work, he mucks in with putting the DCs to bed - he is so happy to get a chance to spend some time with them. Then we do any tidying and other jobs that need doing and have some dinner together. Sometimes he cooks sometimes I do. At the weekends everything is split 50/50.

What he would not fucking dream of doing is telling me how to do my job - and if he dared say that he didn't like his dinner done this, that or the other way then he would be wearing it and out the door.

Have you noticed, that everything he doesn't like you doing are things that might save you time and make life easier for you? Wanker.

Please tell me that you don't have sex with him?

LoopsInHoops · 11/01/2013 14:04

Does anything on this list ring any bells, OP?

IfNotNowThenWhen · 11/01/2013 14:06

Darling, I think when you were a child it was a bit harder to be a single mum. I may be wrong, but I don't think so.And...so the fuck what if your children are wearing hand me downs?
They won't give a shit because they will have a happier home.
Even if you do end up working a lot, they still won't give a shit, because they will still have you as their mum.
All children really care about is feeling safe and having a happy homelife with a happy mum.
That's all that matters. And you won't be so poor you won't be able to cope.
That's why we have a benefits system, so that people like you can escape arseholes like him. It's a safety net which is sometimes much needed.
Even if you get nothing from him, and you might not, you WILL be able to start your business, and you will be able to make your own money. Think of that.
You are not weak, you are strong. He is weak for needing to denigrate another human being in order to feel in control.
I am not someone is is always telling OP's to LTB, but in this case it's so obvious.
Do it sooner rather than later, because the longer you stay the harder it will be. I speak from experience here-nothing will change. He will not change.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 11/01/2013 14:07

Let him quit his job, he'll have no money, wont be able to claim benefits, because he choose not to work, he'll be in the poor house, you can claim benefits, maybe even work part time and get CB and CTC, you'll be fine.

But he wont quit his job, because eventually he'll work out he'll be poor, wont get the kids, he hardly knows them, Its an empty threat made by a coward.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 11/01/2013 14:11

Alibaba - sometimes, when it makes the difference to him being nice for the weekend or miserable and sulking through it. It's another job to add to the list I guess.

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 11/01/2013 14:13

Jesus Christ.

And he isn't even paying you.

LoopsInHoops · 11/01/2013 14:17

Did you look at that list on that link cath?

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