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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not understand why people blame their dc for lack of sex

150 replies

BabysPointlessPocket · 08/01/2013 17:58

Seriously, I can't!
Is it just an easy excuse for women to use when they can't be bothered?
I have young dc, one also that I bf'd. It never affected my sex drive.
Maybe its just me and I shouldn't speak for others.

OP posts:

coppertop · 09/01/2013 14:05

"I wonder how 50 or 60 years ago when lots of women had loads of kids plus full responsibility of housework and parenting minus the mod cons we have today managed to have the energy for sex?"

Sadly they often had no choice in the matter.

Dahlen · 09/01/2013 14:06

OTOH I agree that a sex drought begun for very good reasons can end up becoming long term simply out of habit.

MurderOfGoths · 09/01/2013 14:09

Amber It was a wife's "duty". And let's face it, the men back then weren't as knackered as the wives - seeing as they did little to no childcare or housework.

AmberSocks · 09/01/2013 14:14

but not allmen could of been like that there must of been some happy marriages where the women actually wanted sex.

and remember lots of men did manual work then too so probably would of been tired,i see what your saying though,it must of been awful.

HoratiaWinwood · 09/01/2013 14:34

Oh of course. I forgot that women are supposed to have sex whether they want to or not. Silly me

I do agree about intimacy though. For a long time I had zero sex drive, so I avoided intimacy in order not to give DH the wrong idea. But eventually he said he wouldn't even ask but we needed to spend more time just being intimate - talking in each other's arms, falling asleep in spoons, etc. And although we didn't have any sex, our sex life was better.

HoratiaWinwood · 09/01/2013 14:35

And don't forget that until very recently it was too expensive to light houses after dusk. What the heck else was there to do?!

ledkr · 09/01/2013 15:24

Hate it when people suggest "a quicky" it's not exactly setting your sights high and if you don't feel like sex can be the worst thing to do. It suggests that you provide a receptacle for your partner to satisfy himself. Yuck

Original poster

BabysPointlessPocket · 09/01/2013 15:59

Going from 'mummy' mode to 'slut' mode is difficult for a lot of women. Myself included. When I've finally put the kids to bed, I can't just switch to being a nympho.

Slut mode? To sleep with your dh/dp?

OP posts:

Original poster

BabysPointlessPocket · 09/01/2013 16:01

Sorry don't know how to quote posters, but that ^^ was prettyhairclips 13.53

OP posts:

dontaskforthe99 · 09/01/2013 16:07

Strange attitudes here: you have to move to slut mode to have sex? A quickie is only pleasurable to the man? You become a receptacle?

You can get alot of pleasure from a cuddle that develops into something more. Physical intimacy strengthens a relationship. Even short moments of intimacy will reduce stress and cheer you up.

Yes if your partner does bugger all round the house you will feel resentment and feel less disposed to want sex. But that's another point that should be dealt with in relationships not under this posting which deals with folk who blame their DC for lack of sex.

Susan2kids · 09/01/2013 16:10

The reasons not the DC...its being exhausted..... blaming the DC does therefore seem unfair...and I have been known to......but not because i simply cant be bothered.....more because im instantly unconcious when I hit the sack..... on other hand partner also exhausted as looking after kids....neither of us has any drive currently....

SneakyNuts · 09/01/2013 16:17

Oh for fuck's sake. We know how to have sex, how do you think we have DCs in the first place.

BunFagFreddie · 09/01/2013 17:06

Strange attitudes here: you have to move to slut mode to have sex?

No, but it's more fun.

dontaskforthe99 · 09/01/2013 17:13

Don't start joking on this thread BunFagFreddie, the people on here are very tense. Some of them have children and have not had sex in a long time, not even quick sex, which is apparently disgusting (oh no that was my comments, they were disgusting), but I digress. And....it's OK to call the OP all sorts of stuff (well it is AIBU) but if you suggest people would feel better if they had sex more often....well, just don't go there.

BunFagFreddie · 09/01/2013 17:30

Sorry, I thought it was funny was being immature.

No offense intended. I'm not about to tell people what to do with their fanjo's!

DameMargotFountain · 09/01/2013 17:32

i agree, some of the opinions voiced on this thread are appalling

scone as in stone and no butter

i'm off for a lie down (and a quickie)

Boomerwang · 09/01/2013 19:05

It's not always the women who go off sex. I'm up for it but my partner is not. Maybe he's just gone off me. Someone play a violin, quick :(

TheSecondComing · 09/01/2013 21:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whois · 09/01/2013 23:03

but if you suggest people would feel better if they had sex more often....well, just don't go there

Ha ha yeah, the more I have the more I want, and the less I have the less I want it.

Genuine question: why don't people find quickies enjoyable? If it was every time, sure, that would be a bit unsatisfying, but there is something quite attractive in sneaking in a quickie and knowing your DP wants you. Plus I still feel a lot closer to DP after a quickie even if I've not come.

I think also not having sex at all because you don't 100% feel like it is the way to a sexless life. When we've not had sex for a week or two due to me, i'll give DP a blowjob and 90% of the time by the time he's come I've forgotten that I'm tired/stressed and am pretty turned on. And if I'm not well then DP is satisfied anyway and happy and lovely to snuggle up to. So it's a win win as far as I'm concerned.

I'm not saying you should 'satisfy your man' at all costs, but DP will look after me orally and do things for me, and it's only healthy to give and take.

HoratiaWinwood · 09/01/2013 23:14

It's not about "not 100% feeling like it"; in some cases it's not even 1% feeling like it. Sometimes, particularly before my cycle came back after a baby, sex was so far from my mind it was 0%, about as appealing as learning to skydive - you can see that other people might like it, but it has no relevance to your own life.

superstarheartbreaker · 09/01/2013 23:17

I don't like this mummy mode vs slut mode personally. How is wanting sex, even really filthy sex slutty? Reminds me of the Madonna/whore complex that some men have and is one of the many reasons why men may go off sex; because they cannot see their dp who is a mother as also a sex object. I am trying to find some decent men who can make the distinction.

I've had one bf since dd was born and dd coslept . If we needed a shag we went down stairs or did it in the lounge before bed. It helped me feel like a women again. However this was the honeymoon period of the relationship and I suspect if we had been together for a long time we wouldn't have bothered. I would much rather have a damn good shag than do housework but sadly as I am a single mum I hardly ever get laid.

In conclusion though op you are being v unreasonable and smuggypants to boot.

ash6605 · 09/01/2013 23:22

I have a toddler who still sleeps in my room, a teen who sleeps in the next room and a 9yr old sleepwalker.....trust me when I say it IS the children that prevent us from having sex!!!!

Arthurfowlersallotment · 09/01/2013 23:27

Meh, if you're talking about it you are not doing it.

AmberLeaf · 09/01/2013 23:29

Each to their own..

Medical issues aside, I think some people prioritise sex and some don't.

Ive always found it a stress reliever, so whatever is going on, a bit of loving makes me feel better.

OP I don't think you were BU really and you got a bit of a kicking.

deleted203 · 09/01/2013 23:32

Oh wait til they get older, smug OP! Wait until your DCs are teenagers and are studying late at night in the room next to yours! See how sexy you feel when you know your bed creaks every time you turn over - and you know they are listening and cringing.....(even worse when DH goes to bed early and they have their mates still round - do you want four 17 yos listening to your cries of ecstasy? Cos I fucking don't). Our DCs are TOTALLY responsible for our restricted sex lives!

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